Me Me Me Me Me.......

Ok...so I went back down to see Gordon yesterday and the conversation started about my last blog post...which he had read.....and he proceded to tell me off for not talking more about myself and what I had done...!!! (I just can't win...!!!)

Hence the title of this post.

My thinking has evolved so much since I began attending for acupuncture. I no longer feel bitter or negative because of the babies I have lost, I no longer fear miscarrying again the next time I get pregnant. I am so looking forward to being pregnant again. It no longer bothers me when I see new born babies or pregnant women.

When I was waiting for my appointment yesterday (I had arrived 30 minutes early as I had gotten the time wrong), the lady with the appointment before mine came out of the treatment room. This lady was definitely at least 6 months pregnant and in my mind she was just beautifully pregnant. When I said this to Gordon he commented on how much my thinking and emotions had evolved from the very first time I had gone to see him, when it was too upsetting for me to sit in his waiting room because there were lots of pictures of babies on the wall and at the time, I just couldnt handle that.

My relationship with Patrick has evolved too, we are now a lot more open with eachother and we are communicating more than we ever have. I think I spent a long time expecting him to be a mindreader, I wanted him to understand how I was feeling...but I wasn't able to tell him how I was feeling.

Lulu.....well... she is just great...it is just not even conceivable how much love I have for that dog, she is beyond spoiled...!!!

and to top it all off...My cat is pregnant and not long off delivering I would imagine. Patrick and I are going away for a few days the week after next and even though Liam is staying at our house...I have visions of us returning to a scene of Lulu running around the house with a kitten in her mouth like a squeaky toy...!!!

So for now...we are going to enjoy the long weekend, hopefully a bbq tomorrow with some friends (weather permitting) and then some quality time with Patrick until its back to the grind on Tuesday.

Happy Weekend Everyone.xx.

A Glimmer of Hope

Ok, so its been just over seven weeks since I have posted on here..........the reason being...I simply needed a break. The words just would not come so I decided it best to wait until I felt up to posting again.

The last seven weeks have been a mixture of heartbreak, tears, complete dispair, trauma and among all of those things...a tiny glimmer of hope.

This glimmer of hope comes in the form of Gordon Mullins, an acupuncturist who specialises in fertility issues. He has a natural fertility clinic in Cork and as of now, I have been to see him 4 times.

The first visit, we just sat and talked for two and a half hours, I got to tell my story and to my surprise...he actually listened, and not only that...he was certain that he could help. He gave me hope, he told me that he would do everything that he could to ensure that my next pregnancy is a healthy one that goes to full term...(well, everything except actually get me pregnant...he did stress on several occassions that he will not actually get me pregnant...................I assured him that was quite alright and I'd prefer my husband to do that anyway...!!!)

On the second appointment, he introduced the needles which really are not anything like what I thought they would be. They are tiny and most of the time you only barely feel them, although a few times...they have actually hurt.........I am assured that this is not actually pain but the shifting of energy. During this appointment, Gordon told me that he would induce a period, and that I would have a bleed which would consist only or bright red blood. I think I may have laughed at him.....I got my first period when I was just nine years old and in all those years, I have never had a period that was just bright red blood. Gordon explained to me that if the bleeding is usually dark or contains clots...that is not a healthy womb lining for an embryo to grow in, as there is little or no oxygen in the womb lining.

That appointment was on a Thursday, by Sunday I was crippled with back pain...just like Gordon told me I would be...and by Tuesday, I had started to bleed...and yes...it was purely bright red blood...!!!

This guy is a Miracle Worker...!!!

Patrick came with me on the second and third visits, a true sceptic, but even he had no choice but to become a believer when, on the third visit...Whatever Gordon did gave me a sharp pain over my left eye, to which Gordon responded by putting a needle in the top of my right foot..............and the pain disappeared...yes, it actually just went instantly. Gordon explained that a pain over my left eye is connected to my liver and the spot where he put the needle in my foot is also connected to the Liver and therefore counter-acted the pain.

So...my most recent visit was last Thursday and during this visit I was finally able to vocalise my fear at the thought of going back to the Clinic and going through all of this again. I am terrified and at this point do not want to go back.

Initially after I miscarried, I told myself that I would go back straight away, as soon as I could and then I wouldnt have to deal with the underlying fear...I would just get on with it. But my sessions with Gordon have taught me that I need to deal with that fear and the fact that I do not want to go back to the Clinic means that I am simply not ready to. I am learning the importance of vocalising instead of internalising, a method I have studied in depth in a professional context...... but sometimes it is not so easy to follow your own advice.

For now.......Patrick and I are just enjoying being together. We are married three years on the 9th of August and in all honesty...that whole time has been spent between trying to have a baby, getting pregnant, losing babies, hospitals, clinics, medications, injections and just an unbelievable amount of stress.
So, we are spending some time just reconnecting, enjoying eachother's company and getting to know eachother as a couple, outside of trying to be parents.

As Gordon told me.....we need to bring the Happiness back into our relationship. Patrick and I have a very good relationship, we are very close....but the most-part of the past three years has been tinged with sadness and grief, so we are going to take some time just to be us.

I will see Gordon again on Thursday of next week and both Patrick and I so look forward to the appointments because it has made such a difference. The overwhelming part for us is that we have found someone who actually cares. Gordon will often call to see how we are doing or how I am feeling, and I know that I can email him at any time with any thoughts or questions.

I was feeling very tired and off form all day, so I put together what was practically a novel within an email, pretty much explaining how nothing was right with the world and I sent it to Gordon, it was not an email that he needed to read...it was an email that I needed to send.

His response basically told me that if I re-read that email, all of the answers I am looking for are portrayed very obviously in my own words.............and he was right.

However, I was able to attribute today's mood-swings, indecisiveness and well...'that email' to one thing this evening.............I am ovulating...........Its been so long since I have ovulated, I had actually forgotten how it felt.  So yes...I am a little bit hormonal, but so unbelievably delighted that my system has returned to a functioning state.

I really want to thank each and every one of you that has supported us throughout this whole thing, it has been a very difficult time but it would have been a whole pile more difficult without the support of our family, friends and the many people around the world who have sent us messages.

And to my friends who put off telling me the fantastic news that they are pregnant, I am so happy for each of you, I am genuinely delighted for you and I know that you will make fantastic parents. It is not hard for me to see people who are pregnant, some days I do find it difficult but those days are few and far between and I genuinely believe that it will not be too much longer and we will be shouting to the world that we are in our second trimester.............

Gordon says so.....and we believe him.

(He does want us to call our first boy 'Gordon' though......ah, we can discuss that when the time comes...!!!)

Enter Lulu.xx.

Yeah...so we got a puppy...!!!

I know all you Psychologists out there (both qualified and amateur) are probably screaming at the computer screen right now...!!!

I was having a really crappy day yesterday, which was spent between crying and and making my fingers raw, cleaning things that were already clean, oh yeah and much of that time was spent doing both.

So, about 7:30 yesterday evening we decided 'lets get a puppy', I think we were both so relieved at the thought of getting something that was going to distract us, even temporarily, from the constant pain and sense of loss that we are feeling.............and Lulu.....well, she has done just that.

She is the cutest, most affectionate little thing, she is just beautiful.

I did have about half an hour of feeling unbelievably guilty this evening, I felt so guilty that maybe I was trying to replace the baby we just lost with this beautiful little puppy, but in truth, that isnt the case at all.
She is just something that can make me forget my pain from time to time, something that makes me unable to not smile when I look at her because she is just so cute and she gives me lots of kisses and cuddles, so hey...that cant be a bad thing...!!!

And yeah..I am not denying that she will probably be the most spoiled puppy in the world...but we both have so much love to share right now, so we may as well share it with her until the time comes for us to go back to the Clinic to try again.

I Just Don't Get It

I really just dont understand how this could have happened.
We have had so many tests to make sure there is nothing wrong with me, we went through the gruelling process of egg collection and the selection of the best quality eggs, the Clinic lab technicians selected the best quality sperm.
They injected the best quality sperm into the best quality egg, to ensure best quality fertilisation, which resulted in an embryo and then a blastocyst of the best quality, which was then cyropreserved and survived the thawing process with no problems because it was of such good quality.
The Embryo Transfer went off without a hitch and the Embryo implanted days before it was expected to, because my womb lining was so think because of the hormones I had been taking for weeks.
I tested positive six days before it was expected to show up on a home pregnancy test.

So...where did it all go wrong...???

"Its just one of those things", I swear, if I hear that once more...how can something be 'just one of those things'? Its something that just happens...........but how can this 'just happen'? We took every precaution, every thing was in place.

We thought that the last place where it could have gone wrong was if the embryo didnt attach to the womb lining, which would have resulted in a negative pregnancy test, but it did attach and six positive pregnancy tests later, we let ourselves relax and actually believe that our time had finally come, that we were actually going to be parents. We had so many delightful moments of disbelief when we had to just remind eachother that it was actually happening, that I was actually carrying our baby. We giggled so much, it was like all our Christmasses had come at once, it was everything we ever wanted.

Suddenly all the things that used to seem 'big' to us, became so not important, the trip we had planned to New York later in the year, well lets not bother with that because we could spend that money on beautiful nursery furniture, I'm not going to buy the new Radley handbag that I wanted, because OMG, Have you seen the Radley baby changing bags, those are the cutest ever, I'm definitely going to get one of those instead!, The things that we wanted became so irrelevant because we had everything that we ever wanted right there inside my womb.

And then, in the blink of an eye, it was all taken away from us and I just can't understand it, I need a logical explanation for it and there just isn't one.

People keep saying to me 'Oh, it wasn't to be', well, I'd love to know exactly how it 'wasn't to be', am I supposed to just accept that?

It took us nine months of treatment to get to the stage where we could see those two beautiful lines on the first pregnancy test, nine months of stress and strain caused by the physical, emotional and financial demands of the IVF process, and what do we have to show at the end of it...???

Nothing, absolutely nothing (apart from an unhealthy-looking bank account and an emptiness that we are never going to be able to fill...!!!).

Weird .......... Or What ..........???

I came across this picture last night, when I was tagging some pictures on Facebook. This picture is from our wedding day, the 9th of August, 2008.

Note the orb of light on the womb of that statue..........not too strange, right? orbs often appear in photos.

Except........that orb appeared in the same place on that statue in three different pictures, taken from three different cameras, by three different people.

Weird, or What...???

Cruel, Cruel Games...!!!

The pains started yesterday afternoon and really were quite mild, but around 6:30 yesterday evening the contractions started to get really strong and were coming about every six minutes.
I was adament that I was not going to the hospital, so instead I rang the Caredoc and got an appointment for 9pm.
We had to go to Tipperary town as there was no Dr. in Cashel at the time, but Tipp town is only about 20 mins away.

We arrived just before 9pm, I was doubled over in pain by this time but I explained to the Dr. that I did not want to go to the hospital, I really just wanted something to help with the pain and if it got worse or I started bleeding very heavily, I would go straight to the hospital.

The Dr. agreed, as I wasnt actually bleeding at all at this stage. He gave me an injection of morphine, which kicked in after just a few minutes and I got instant relief. I could still feel tightness with the contractions, but could feel no pain. The Dr. also gave me some tablets which are basically the same as what was in the injection, but just in tablet form.

We came home then, and I got absolutely no sleep at all last night, I'm not sure whether it was the morphine, or the contractions or the fact that I was conscious that my body was simulating active labour and in my mind, it just wasnt fair that I would have to go through all of that and not have a beautiful baby to hold at the end of it. Life really can play cruel games at times.

Ive been absolutely wrecked all day, kinda dozing a bit most of the day. The pains arent too bad today, the morphine is keeping on top of it and although I am aware of the pain, it is bearable. The bleeding has started too, but it is quite light yet.

I am both emotionally and physically drained, so here's hoping I actually manage to get some sleep tonight.

Ok, So Here's The Story......

I called the Clinic in Cork on Tuesday morning and explained the situation to them. The nurse told me to come down straight away and they would do a scan and run some tests to see how everything is going.

We got the the Clinic around 11:15 and they saw us straight away. The nurse did an internal scan first to see what was going on in my womb, it was very unclear.

The nurse then said that she wanted me to do a urine pregnancy test, which I did. Initially it wasnt showing anything and that was the initial heart break. The nurse then asked if we wanted to meet with Dr. Wiergandt, one of the consultants, so we did.

We went across the corridor to meet him in one of the consultation rooms. A few seconds later the nurse came back in and asked the Dr if she could see him outside the room for a minute. About three minutes later, both the nurse and the Dr came back in to the room, the pregnancy test had turned positive, but the line was faint. This provided a very faint bit of hope for us. I was definitely still pregnant.

Unsure about what was happening, she suggested that we go across the road to the Bons Hospital and have a blood test done to check the level of pregnancy hormones, in a naturally progressing pregnancy the HCG hormone level will double about every 2-3 days.

We went across to have the test and the results only took about 20 minutes to come back. The hormone level had dropped from 101.7 on Sunday to 20.4 on Tuesday, the pregnancy was fading and it was fading fast.
We had a couple of options, we could go and have a procedure to have the contents of my womb removed or we could go home and let everything happen naturally.

I just wanted to go home, I couldnt handle the thought of going through an anasthetic and just waking up 'not pregnant anymore' again, I wanted everything to happen naturally.

So basically, when the hormone level drops to almost nothing, my cervix will start to open and my body will start to expel everything in my womb. This could take anything from 10-14 days and throughout that time, I will be bleeding heavily and it could be quite painful.

These pains started last night and are continuing today, although I havent actually started bleeding yet, but I'm sure it wont be too much longer before that starts too.

Patrick is taking it very hard, much harder than any of the previous losses we have suffered. It has been such a long process to get to the stage where we could actually say that 'we're having a baby', and gosh were we excited. Patrick was in the middle of painting the nursery and I had even ordered the perfect curtains for the perfect baby's room, we were so looking forward to being parents.

But, once again, our dream has been ripped from us. We had 6 wonderful weeks of being pregnant, 21 fantastic days of knowing that our baby was in my womb, 13 of the most superb days knowing that our baby had attached and was growing in my womb and now we are left with a life time of knowing that, once again, our little one has been robbed from our clutches, we were so close, just so so close.

It just isnt fair!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'll post details later or in a few days, but for now the news is that the hormone levels are dropping very fast, which means that the embryo is dying and there is nothing anyone can do.

Once the levels drop below a certain level, which will probably happen this evening or early tomorrow, my cervix will open and I will start bleeding very heavily, this will be my body expelling the embryo, the placenta and the womb lining.

The Health System in this Country...!!!

I started bleeding again last night, so we left for the hospital and arrived there at around midnight.

We had to wait in the maternity visiting room for a bit, while we were waiting for the Dr to arrive.
So, after about 15 minutes some guy comes in with a packet of cigarettes in his hand 'Mind if I smoke?'

eh........this is a maternity ward and I am pregnant, of course I bloody mind if you smoke...!!!

I got up and let the room and after a few minutes of waiting in the corridor, one of the nurses came and called me.

The bleeding had settled down a bit by this stage, but they decided to keep me in anyway just to be safe.

So, I was put into a ward with two mad oul biddies who kept shouting out in their sleep...!!!

This morning the Dr.s came around and said that they should have the results back by around 2pm.
I honestly thought 2pm was never going to come around, but it did and it passed.

I called Patrick and told him to come down, that we should have the results in the next few minutes.

Patrick arrived around 3pm and still no sign of the results. We waited for about 45 minutes and then a nurse came in to tell us that they have the blood results from Sunday but were still waiting for the results from Friday to compare them and see what the progression was.
I asked her what the HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels on Sunday were and she told me they were 101.7, which is a bit lower than average but is still within the normal range for the time frame. She told me that it would be about another 30 minutes before they would have Friday's results.

That was about all I could take, I broke down and cried, I just couldnt handle any more waiting and not knowing...!!!

About 50 minutes later, another nurse came in and said that the Dr. wanted to do another scan.

While I was on the scanning table, with the probe shoved up my you-know-what, another nurse broke the news to us that they had not been able to locate the results from Friday. She said she had been on the phone to the lab in Waterford and they had no record of them, she then said that she called the lab in the Hospital in Clonmel and they were unable to locate them.

So basically right now, we dont have a bloody clue what is going on...!!!

The nurse then told us that I would have to come back tomorrow to have more bloods taken, which would then be sent away and we would have the results on Wednesday evening which they would compare with the results of the bloods from Sunday to see what the progression is like!

NO BLOODY WAY...!!!

I told her that I will go to Cork in the morning and they will take the bloods and have the results back for me within an hour.

I am so drained and fed up right now, it is the hardest thing in the world not knowing whether my baby is growing inside me or not, I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take...

Playing This Waiting Game...!!!

I have had no more pain or bleeding since 10pm on Friday night, although that hasnt stopped me running to the loo every 5 minutes just to make sure. I've even stopped myself from sneezing on several occassions for fear that sneezing will cause me to start bleeding again.

We went down to the hospital this morning to have some more bloods taken, and of course all of my veins decided to hide. So after a few minutes of playing 'stick the needle into the patient' the nurse decided that the only place to get it would be the main vein on the inside of my wrist..........the exact same place that was bruised because the canula was put in there on Friday.....so yeah, that hurt a bit...!!!

Anyway, she eventually got the blood that she needed and said that they would ring me tomorrow at 4pm, when the results come back and hopefully the hormones will have increased since Friday.

So, for now I am waiting anxiously, I keep talking to my little one, telling him/her to 'hang in there'.
I've had some visitors today, so that was really nice and apart from that I have just been resting on the couch with my feet up...(oh yeah, and running to the loo every five minutes...just to be sure...!!!)
.
Having all of my loyal readers thinking positive has worked so far along this journey, so everybody ..........

Think 'Hormonal'

.xx.

Threatened Miscarriage

Ok so Thursday evening I had some cramping and shooting pains in my lower abdomen, which I just passed off as a tummy bug as Liam had been sick with a bug.

Yesterday lunchtime I had really bad pains and when I went to the bathroom, I was bleeding very very heavily. I called the Clinic in Cork and they told me to go to the nearest maternity unit as soon as possible.

We went to Clonmel straight away and the silence in the car on the way there was just deafening. We were both so convinced that I was miscarrying, we couldn't speak.

By the time we got to Clonmel I was losing a lot of blood.

They took me to the gynae emergency room and did an internal scan but I was bleeding too much, they couldnt see anything on the scan.

The Dr. then did a speculum exam (holy crap...that thing never gets easier...the pain of it...!!!), which showed that the cervix was still closed.

The Dr. then informed us that I was experiencing a threatened miscarriage which could go either way, they took some bloods and said that they would repeat the blood test on Sunday to compare the hormone levels, which will tell us whether the baby is alive or not and if he/she is alive, whether the pregnancy is progressing or whether the baby has stopped growing.

We will have the results of both tests on Monday.

So, they kept me in hospital last night, gave me some pethidine for the pain (which I was assured several times, would not have any effect on the baby or the pregnancy). The bleeding got less and less and eventually stopped around 10 pm and hasn't started again since.
The pain also settled last night, apart from a few twinges but I have been feeling those ever since the embryo transfer so I am not worried about those.

For now, I have just gotten home and am on complete bedrest with my feet up, we will go back to the hospital tomorrow for the blood tests and if all is ok, I will be on bedrest for a few weeks until we are out of the danger zone.

People keep asking how I am feeling and the honest answer is that I really don't know. I am completely on auto-pilot. We are hoping for the best, but we are so aware and conscious of my history of miscarriages, that subconsciously I think we are both preparing ourselves for yet more bad news, while holding onto any tiny bit of hope that our little baby will fight to hold on. We feel that he/she has defied all of the odds this far,that maybe, just maybe he/she will pull through this obstacle too.

We will never forget the day the Queen of England came to Cashel...!!!

5 Weeks and I'm Loving it...!!!

5 Weeks and I have just been completely wiped out the past 2 days, I couldnt even make it out of bed this morning, never mind even think about getting into work.

So, we're currently in week 5 and apparantly our baby's heart should be developped and beating by Thursday.

I spoke to the Clinic yesterday and we have our first scan on Thursday the 26th at 12:45, exactly a year to the hour of when I sat in my Gynaecologist's office to be told 'Natural Pregnancy, it is never going to happen'.

What a year it has been, and what a complete and utter train wreck of emotional instability. It does seem though that as soon as we saw that first faint positive line, all of the emotions and stresses and the completely draining physical demands of the past year just completely dissolved.

So, for now we are putting the past behind us and although we will never forget, we are focussing all of our energies on the little person who is growing inside me, the person who we love so much already and although we just can't wait to meet him or her, I am just loving being pregnant (yes, even the sickness) and am so looking forward to the next 7ish months.xx.

Day 33 .......... D-Day Tomorrow....(Well...Officially...!!!)

Day 33 and my connection was too crappy to allow me to post last night (probably because the Eurovision was on and everybody had to post to facebook about it...!!!).

We went to Limerick yesterday and I didnt actually manage to find something to wear to the wedding, well I found a few nice dresses, but the queue for the dressing rooms was so long, I just couldnt be bothered queueing, especially when I was feeling so crap.

I was having a lot of stretching pains in my lower abdomen yesterday and those have continued today, along with some like serious overwhelming tiredness, causing me to nap for at least an hour a day.

So...at a count...I have taken 6 pregnancy tests, 2 of them digital and every single one of them positive...!!!
Pretty good going...considering I really wasn't supposed to test til tomorrow.

I will call the clinic again tomorrow and they will give me a date for my first scan, which will tell me how many bambinos are in my womb (even though they only implanted one blastocyst, it was of very good quality and there is a chance that it could have split in two).

The night time sickness seems to have settled down a bit for the last two nights and apart from a few bouts of quesiness during the day, the sickness really hasnt been too bad for the last 2 days.
I have however, been suffering with headaches a bit more than usual.

So, am looking forward to getting in touch with the clinic tomorrow and sharing our good news, for now though, I am going to relax on the couch with a class of juice and my wonderful husband.xx.

Day 30 .......... Til Someone Loses an Eye...!!!

Day 30 and I'm feeling really good today.

Still been quite sick but I think I am getting used to the sickness...and hey...if I wasn't sick...I'd probably think there is something wrong...!!!

I had a really nice day at work and Patrick and I went out to lunch for his birthday...but of course, when we got to the restaurant...I just couldnt eat anything, I did however manage two cartons of apple juice.

So, am looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend and maybe some shopping tomorrow.

One of my friends is getting married in a few weeks, so I need to find something to wear to that...something that fits over my newly humongous boobs ( well, they weren't exactly small to begin with...!!!).

I want all the focus to be on the beautiful bride and not on me coz I turned around too fast and took somebody's eye out...!!!

Day 29 .......... The Dark Blue Line

Day 29 and the pregnancy line was much darker on the test this morning, so yep... still pregnant...!!!

I was wickedly sick today, it was just horrid. I went to work for a bit and was just feeling horrible all day...and then the vomiting started...!!!

So I came home early and slept for a couple of hours, feeling a bit better now.

Its Patrick's birthday tomorrow so I'm just hoping I'm feeling well enough to maybe go out to dinner or lunch or something, although judging by how I've been feeling I doubt I will be up to doing much.

Sibling Rivalry at its best...!!!

Ok so on getting my result this morning, of course I called Liam to tell him. Liam arrived at our house in about 10 minutes. No 'Congratulations', No 'Thats Great News' ....... Oh No......My big brother Liam said

' Have you any more of those sticks...I want to pee on a stick...!!!'

So yes, Liam took the pregnancy test into the bathroom and followed the instructions...(although admittedly had trouble keeping the flow of urine on the tab for 10 seconds...!!!) and then emerges from the bathroom looking very down-trodden at the fact that he is, in fact, not pregnant...!!!

Talk about trying to steal my thunder...!!!

So anyway, I got ready to go into work then and we went out to the car, Liam had his ipod on shuffle and the song which played immediately was 'Sweet Child of Mine' from Guns n' Roses...!!!

So what have we learned today...???

1. I am pregnant.

2 Liam is not pregnant.

3.I have the best friends in the world (Thank you so much for all the lovely messages.xx.)

Day 28 .......... I Couldn't Wait...!!!

Day 28 and I just couldnt wait any longer to test, it was a bit of a risk testing five days early.......but........

The faintest positive line but it is definitely there...!!!

I'm Pregnant...!!!

Day 27 .......... Big Thunder Mountain(s)

Day 27 and no the title is not in any way related to my recently doubled-in-size, crazy painful boobs...!!!

I had really really bad pains at around 3am, they lasted just over an hour and then just stopped. I was convinced that that was the end of it, but I'm still having lots of the same symptoms today that I've been having, along with lots of headaches.

I went in to work for a while again today, and again, fell asleep for a bit when I got home.

I've been having lots of cramps this evening, they almost feel like pre-menstrual cramps, but my next period isn't due til the 17th.

All this waiting and experiencing symptoms and not knowing what they mean..........it is all completely headwrecking...!!!

The whole IVF process is an unbelievable emotional rollercoaster, the waiting, the worrying, the uncertainty. At times it just seems so much, but we are clinging on to whatever hope we can find that whenever this journey ends for us, we will have a precious little baby to hold in our arms.

Day 26 .......... Bowling Balls...!!!

Day 26 and I didn't sleep well last night, got very little sleep actually. I went into work this morning and ended up staying there til 3:30, I wasnt doing anything much, just some light paperwork (oh and lots of talking...!!!). I was, however, completely exhausted by the time I got home and have slept until now.
Just hope I'm able to sleep tonight now...!!!

The nausea was really really bad today, I was getting waves of it every few minutes it was just horrid.

I didn't have much pain, just some minor lower-abdominal cramping today.

My breasts have started to become very sore and swollen, I feel like I have 2 bowling balls (minus the finger holes ) hanging on the front of my chest...!!! (Ok Guys.......Stop picturing that NOW)

So, 'D' Day is only a week away now...xx.

Day 25 .......... 5 Days Post-Transfer

Day 25 and I got out of the house for a bit today. We went in to town for some lunch and to do some shopping. It was nice to get out of the house, but gosh, I was wrecked by the time we got home.

I am feeling a lot of lower abdominal pressure today.

So, we're at Day 5 post-transfer, 8 days to go...although I have to admit, I am itching to test sooner than the 16th, I know I really should wait but gosh, it is oh so difficult...!!!

I feel like I might go into work tomorrow for an hour or so, just to get out of the house for a bit,obviously I wont be driving because I am still experiencing regular dizzy spells, but Patrick is still off of work with his ankle so he will be able to drive me into work for a bit.

Day 24 .......... Fussy Little Fecker...!!!

Day 24 and I am just completely wiped out, I managed to get up for a bit today but not for long.

Liam thought it might be nice if we went out for dinner, a lovely idea...but not a hope in hell my body was going to let me do that.
Patrick went out with Liam and a few friends, so he should be home shortly enough.

I was absolutely certain that I wanted some green tea earlier, so I made some........ but as soon as I got the smell of it, I was hit by a wave of nausea.

I tell ya this baby is a fussy little fecker...!!!

Everyone keeps sympathising with my pain and sickness, but I really don't mind it too much, every twinge or bout of nausea is just my baby's way of telling me that he/she is still there.

Day 23 .......... Not Much Change

Day 23 and I was very sick last night, but have not been sick so far today. Am still very tired all the time and crampy and headachy, but apart from that......not much progress since yesterday.

Still feeling very positive about everything as I am feeling exactly the same as I did the last time I was pregnant, even my gums are annoying me...!!!

I've completed my three days of complete bed-rest now, so will try and get up a bit tomorrow and progressively more over the next few days and hopefully that will make the time go a bit faster until we can test.

Day 22 .......... Day Time TV

Day 22 and I am completely wiped out...!!!

I'm feeling very very tired, but not sleepy. The cramps are worse today too, accompanied by a feeling of pressure in my lower abdomen and I keep getting a light-headed, almost dizzy feeling.

I feel like I need to go to the loo every 30 minutes.

The headaches are pretty bad today too, and Patrick thought maybe I should take some paracetamol (which apparantly is safe to take), but I just couldn't. I'd prefer to put up with the pain because if I took something, I would never stop blaming myself if the test comes back negative on the 16th.

I've pretty much had about all the Day-time TV that I can sanely handle, Thank God for the Internet...!!! 

Day 22 .......... Day Time TV

Day 22 and I am completely wiped out...!!!

I'm feeling very very tired, but not sleepy. The cramps are worse today too, accompanied by a feeling of pressure in my lower abdomen and I keep getting a light-headed, almost dizzy feeling.

I feel like I need to go to the loo every 30 minutes.

The headaches are pretty bad today too, and Patrick thought maybe I should take some paracetamol (which apparantly is safe to take), but I just couldn't. I'd prefer to put up with the pain because if I took something, I would never stop blaming myself if the test comes back negative on the 16th.

I've pretty much had about all the Day-time TV that I can sanely handle, Thank God for the Internet...!!! 

Day 21 ..........So Bad, Its Good...!!!

Day 21 and I am very sore, but feeling very positive.

Headaches ... check, cramping ... check, being so tired I feel like I've been hit by a bus ... check, having pulling feelings and twinges in my abdomen ... check...!!!

All the symptoms are as they should be, painful and uncomfortable but easier to bear with the knowledge that it is our baby in my womb that is causing the symptoms.
I am experiencing all the signs of early pregnancy, exactly as I should be, and difficult as it is to cope with, every twinge makes me smile.

Ok...so...maybe a bit hasty........but I checked what my due date will be.............the 19th of January ...... which is my Dad's anniversary, perhaps a coincidence, perhaps a sign, either way...it made me smile.

I have lots of internal bruising from yesterday's procedure, but hopefully that will ease after a few more days.

Now...my body is telling me that I need to doze off for a bit....so...nighty night.xx.

Day 20 ..........Successful Transfer...!!!

Day 20 and I got pretty much no sleep lastnight, I was just really anxious about today.

I got up early and headed into work for a bit, just to pass the time.

I couldn't wait til 10:30 though, I rang the clinic at 10:10 and was put through to the lab. At that stage, they were able to tell me that the embryo had been thawed and had survived the thawing process. At that point, it hadn't started to swell yet, so they were going to leave it about another 30 minutes and if it did not start to swell at that point, they would thaw another embryo. Fortunately the embryo did start to swell a few minutes later and was looking very very healthy.

We headed down to the Clinic and got there just after 12, had to wait about 10 minutes and then we both got gowned up and went down to one of the recovery rooms. We had to sign some more consents and got to talk with the embryologist for a bit. Then we went in to the operating theatre. The Dr. did some scans first to make sure everything was ok and to ensure that no cysts had appeared in the past week.

Then the Dr inserted this big metal speculum thing.....Holy Mother Of Christ..............the size of it...!!!!! That was bad enough...but once it was in place he made it expand............the pain, oh Jesus, the pain...!!!

He then informs me that it will have to stay in place for about 15 minutes while the embryo is being loaded into the catheter. Eventually the lab technician arrived with the loaded catheter and they checked like 10 times to make sure it was the correct embryo ....ie...that it was actually belonging to Patrick and I..!!!

During the actual transfer I only felt a little pinch and it was over very quickly. The removal of that speculum hurt really bad as well, but it didnt take long.

We had to wait around for a bit but we got back on the road quickly and I've been on the couch ever since.

Moving around is very painful and Patrick is being an absolute star. I slept for about 2 hours when I got home. I have to have complete bedrest for 3 days and then take it very easy for the rest of the 14 day period.

We have to test on the 16th to see if the embryo has successfully attached to the womb (I'm having lots of cramps...so that is a good sign)..................so 13 sleeps to go :)

Day 19 ..........It's Only A Day A-Way ..........

Day 19 and we're almost there.

I've tried not to really think about it all day, but I am beginning to find it difficult to ignore the butterflies that are dancing treble jigs in my tummy...!!!

I've been in kinda crappy form all day and have been feeling a lot of pressure in my lower abdomen.

Gosh, its hard to believe that the time is almost here, although it really shouldnt be hard to believe as I have received 16 messages today saying " One More Sleep", Those made me smile.

So.. I had a bit of a panic this morning when I realised that Patrick wont be able to drive me home from the Clinic tomorrow because of his broken foot, and I wont be able to drive after the Transfer. I was getting myself into a state about it, until Patrick reminded me of the many many friends I have (sometimes I do forget...!!!), and in the end my brother Liam said that he would be able to move some classes around and he would bring us to Cork and then bring us home again afterwards.
I had suggested that maybe we should just book into a hotel for tomorrow night, forgetting of course that Patrick is going back to the hospital about his ankle early on Wednesday morning.

I suppose...up til a few hours ago, I hadn't really considered the possibility of our blastocyst not surviving the thawing process, but now I am absolutely dreading making that phone call tomorrow morning.
I suppose I just feel like there must be something we can do to increase the chances...but in reality...there is absolutely nothing we can do that is going to make any difference to the outcome of tomorrow's thawing process.

I was thinking I would get an early night tonight, but I think there is little chance of me getting much sleep.

Regardless of what happens tomorrow, Patrick and I want to express our heart-felt gratitude and appreciation for all the support we have received to date. All the messages of support we have received from people we haven't seen in years, and the thousands of messages we receive from strangers all over the world, but most of all to our families and our many fantastic friends who have supported us no end throughout our journey to date.............and also...apologies to anyone I may have upset or offended over the past few weeks..........it wasn't intentional....it was the hormones...!!!

Thank you all so much.xx.

Day 18 ................ Fish, Meringues and Sulphur Lollipops

Day 18 and I woke up at 6am with the most horrific headache. It was very similar to a migraine-type pain, but without the other migraine symptoms. It was just awful and it took ages for it to go away, I had it for a good 7 hours and then I have just been feeling horrid and nauseous all day.

So, I was laying on the couch, doing some work on the laptop, feeling just horrible and craving meringues (which we didnt have)............when Patrick decided to light the fire...........The smell of the sulphur from the matches...OMG it was fabulous....and yes, you can probably guess what I did next.............straight into my gob, sulphur end first and oh gosh did it taste just fabulous...and the nausea just like...disappeared...!!!

So...it looks like a diet of fish, meringues and matches for the foreseeable future...!!!

It just hit me about an hour ago that today is Sunday, tomorrow is Monday and then like its just the day after that......Two More Sleeps...!!!

Day 16 .......... Day 17 .......... Its Not a Chicken...!!!

Yesterday was Day 16 but unfortunately my internet connection wouldnt stay connected long enough for me to post here.

I've had a crazy couple of days at work in preparation for the time I will take off after Implantation on Tuesday.

I started two new medications today, one of which is making me feel very strange and I keep getting really bad cramps.

I'm still having crazy cravings for fish, but I am prepared and have stocked up on smoked salmon...just in case...!!!

I am thinking that I will go into work for a bit on Tuesday Morning because i think if I stay at home..... I will be climbing the walls waiting for 10:30 to come so that I can call the Clinic and find out whether the embryo has survived the thawing process.
The Embyologist explained to us that  the embryo is like a sponge, when it is cyropreserved (frozen), it shrinks up, so when it is thawed it is supposed to spring back up, but sometimes it will collapse and then it will die.

So here's hoping all goes well with the thawing process.......which I keep calling 'defrosting' and keep being reminded that it is an embryo, not a chicken...!!!

Day 15 ........ I Need Fish

Day 15 and all I want is fish...!!!

I was doing pretty good all morning, but the evening was a different story.

I started the new medications today, they havent affected me too much...yet anyway.

I keep getting spontaneous cravings for fish, like real fish, its like a strong need for it and I just have to have it...!!!

Right now I am super-tired and feeling crap, so I'm gona get some sleep and hope to God I'll be feeling more human tomorrow...!!!

Day 14 ................ Six More Sleeps

Day 14 and what a lovely day it was.

I went into work this morning. I was a bit sore but wasnt feeling too bad. Was a productive morning at work and then I called out to see a friend for a cup of tea and some fabulous scones.

She has the most beautiful baby girl who is just 9 weeks old. I held her for a few minutes and was chattering away to her and all of a sudden she took off into fits of like proper laughing, which apparently she had never done before. It was such a special moment, one I will cherish for a long, long time.

Right now, I'm feeling very tired and looking forward to a nice long hot bath and an early night.

I have to start taking the new medications tomorrow, so really have no idea how my system is going to react to those.

Six more sleeps to Implantation......

Day 13..............Achieved Adequate Thickness

Day 13 and we are just back from the Clinic.

The scan hurt loads and I am in a lot of pain.

Good news though...All those 'thick' thoughts worked.....My womb lining has reached adequate thickness to go ahead with Implantation.

What we did not know was that there is a stage between womb lining thickening and Implantation.........which is 6-7 days of intense medication and hormones.

So...the Implantation is scheduled for next Tuesday....well, more accurately...the Thawing is scheduled for next Tuesday and we have to call the Clinic at 10:30 to find out whether the embryo has survived the thawing process or not.

We are a bit disappointed that we have to wait another week, as we weren't expecting it, but I suppose its good news anyway.

Thank you all so much for your 'I'm Thinking Thick' messages yesterday............Keep those positive thoughts coming coz they are certainly working...!!!

Day 12 ............ Sickness, Sulking and Smoked Coley...!!!

Day 12 and I am pretty much resigned to nausea and vomiting on a regular basis...!!!

I wasnt feeling too bad when I woke up, but it didnt take long for the nausea to start.

So, I asked Patrick to do something this morning and his initial reaction was to refuse to do it, which he quickly changed to 'Oh, I suppose I better do it...coz you'll be sulking for the day if I dont'

SULKING......I'll give him F'n sulking......... Yeah...I'm a bit emotional at times coz I'm so doped up on hormones..........but sulking...??? so I resign myself to believing (temporarily) that he has no idea how difficult all of this is for me and of course, he just doesn't care....oh and of course...This is all his fault anyway coz if he didnt break his stupid ankle we would be on our cruise right now and I wouldnt be sick and hormonal..... ( Ok...so logic had escaped me momentarily...!!!)

We went to Dunnes in Thurles for a bit to do some shopping. I usually do not eat much fish coz I dont really like it and I never buy it...well...unless it is covered in breadcrumbs and comes in a box in the freezer...!!! I usually hate the smell from the fish counter, but today....I was drawn to it and just had to have some smoked coley.....Ok...so I had never even heard of coley before and even Patrick was super surprised that I wanted to buy fresh fish as it is so unlike me.

In all honesty...I probably would have eaten the smoked coley there and then, if it wasnt totally like socially unacceptable to do that...........oh yeah...and the fact that it could have killed me......... but I was seriously craving it...!!!

Yeah and then like two seconds later we passed the fresh meat counter and I had to run to the bathroom and be sick...!!!

We came home then and I've been relaxing since. Its almost time for me to take the next lot of hormones so should be a fun, nausea-filled evening.

We're going back to the Clinic in the morning to see if my womb lining is thick enough to maybe go ahead with the Implantation on Wednesday or Thursday, if it is not thick enough we will probably have to increase the hormones again and wait a few more days..............so think 'thick' everyone...!!!

Day 11.................I Just Don't Care...!!!

Day 11 and I was just so sick I just had to come home. We had planned to stay in Cork til Tuesday, but I am feeling so crappy, all I wanted to do was come home.

I had to increase the hormones again this morning and I have never been so sick and upset and just plain fed-up, in my life...!!!

Even a cup of tea made me sick this afternoon.

So yeah..I've been feeling pretty miserable all day.............well...up until about 5 minutes ago...when I received a well-worded text message from one of my best friends, reminding me that I could be pregnant in just a few days. (Thanks Mary.xx.)

Its almost time for me to take the increased dose of hormones again, so I think I'm just going to snuggle up on the couch for the evening with a bottle of soda water and maybe I'll try some food again a bit later...!!!

Day 10....started off really well......

Day 10 and it started off really well.

We had a lovely breakfast, went shopping for a bit....which was just fabulous...it was relaxed shopping, we stopped and I had a fruit drink, Patrick had a coffee and we just watched the world rushing about for a while. Then we came back to the hotel and had a fabulous lunch.

We came up to the hotel room and after lunch and before I knew it...it was almost 5pm...I had fallen asleep and had slept for almost 2 hours...!!!

I took the hormones at 6pm and was feeling ok for a while. We had arranged to meet Liam in the City at 7:30 and he was taking us out for dinner.
I started to feel a bit weird right before we left, but we got a taxi into the City anyway and Liam took us to the most fabulous restaurant.
As soon as the starter came out, I knew I just couldnt eat it.........my stomach just turned, it was just awful.

The poor waiter, an Italian chap, couldnt understand what was wrong, he thought there was something wrong with the food...!!!

I managed to have most of the main course and of course the Tiramisu stayed down with ease. Patrick and Liam wanted to go for a drink afterwards, but I just couldnt.  I was suffering with major nausea while we were walking down the street and at that point I really just wanted to go back to the hotel.

So, we hopped into a taxi...of course a taxi with a stupidly strong air freshener...which really wasnt helping my nausea situation...!!!

So...we're just back at the hotel now and I'm snuggled up in the bed.

Not really looking forward to tomorrow as I have to increase the hormones again tomorrow and I have been desperately sick every time I have increased the dose.

Patrick has just walked into the room...and even his aftershave (which I love)... has just made me desperately sick.

I think I'm gona try and get some sleep and hopefully shake off this nausea for a few hours anyway......

Day 9 .............. Feeling Great

Day 9 and I am feeling just fantastic.

We have settled into our Hotel room, ok we did have to complain and change rooms coz the first one wasnt clean...but even that didnt result in hormonalness.

I've only had a nausea feeling once today and even that passed very quickly.

So basically all I have planned for the next three days is relaxing, relaxing and more relaxing...(oh and eating lots of ridiculously rich food, spa treatments and maybe even some shopping...!!!)

ok...am off down for dinner now.......

Day 8.............Half Way Point

Day 8 and we have reached the half way point.

Am doing pretty good today. Had a fabulous day at work and spent the evening with some very special friends.

The nausea wasn't too bad today, it came in waves every so often but at least wasn't constant like yesterday. I have been feeling ridiculously tired for most of the day, so hopefully I will get some decent sleep tonight.

We're going away for the weekend tomorrow, so looking forward to that. Will be nice to get a break away from everything (even if its not on a fabulous Mediterranean cruise...!!!).

I am off to the land of nod for now (and hopefully for a decent number of hours)

I am not sure if I will have a wifi connection to update this while I am away, but I will do my best.

Oh...also...we got our first official donation for the Noah Foundation this evening, I was quite emotional accepting it.

So...overall, its been a pretty great day, hopefully it will continue........

Sleep...............Hellooooooooooooo.......Where Are You...???

It figures that as I have increased the hormones, my body is reacting to the increased dose in the same way that it did when I first started taking the hormones. Hence I am not able to sleep, am crippled with nausea...and its feels like it's almost reaching boiling point here right now, I keep burning up...!!!

I have to admit I am feeling quite disheartened about the whole thing right now. Yes, I know it is only a fleeting feeling and is brought on by the fact that I am feeling so crappy, and in the general scheme of things...it probably is not really that big a deal..but right now...in my sleep deprived, nauseous and feverous state...its the biggest deal ever...!!!

Ok...I'm gona try and give this sleeping lark another go.

Nighty Night.xx.

Day 7 ......Nausea, Nausea...and more Nausea...!!!

Day 7 and I've been so sick all day.

I had to double the hormones today and Oh Good God, The nausea has been unreal all day, it just hasn't let up at all.

I came home from work early and went to sleep for an hour, thinking some sleep would help, but I've been worse than ever since I woke up, nausea, headaches, dizziness... Today has just been a nightmare...!!!

Am looking forward to the long weekend and even though we will not be going on our cruise as we had planned, we are going to go away for the weekend, just to get away and relax and unwind before Implantation next week.

Hoping I'm feeling better tomorrow as we have a great day planned at work, The Easter Bunny is coming to visit.

People keep saying to me that it must be so difficult to be working with children, with what I am going through and you know what....it used to be...but not anymore, now, everytime a child runs over to give me a hug or smiles up at me, it makes me smile because it reminds me of what I will have in the (hopefully) not too distant future.

Seven days down, nine to go......

Day 6 ...... Sore 'Mangina'

Day 6 and I got loads of sleep last night, was great.

I was doing really well today, was uncomfortable all day but not in a lot of pain.

I did manage to put a staple through my finger today though...which apparently was very very funny to watch, the pain of it wasnt so funny though.

Patrick and I have taken to watching programmes about pregnancy and labour and babies and anything related to that kind of thing. So...we were watching 'A Baby Story' this evening when my brother Liam came to visit. Trying to feign interest, he asked what an epidural is and I explained to him what it is.
On the show it was explaining about how the woman's pelvis has to expand to create space for the baby's head to fit through.

On hearing this...Liam turns about 20 different shades......... and declares....

"My vagina is hurting just hearing that".

The poor guy is in shock...!!! (I didn't have the heart to explain the difference between male and female anatomy to him...but, at 30...it would explain why he is still single...!!!)

 I have to double the dose of hormones tomorrow, which I am not looking forward to, as I haven't been doing so well on the low dose....I started  crying this evening because I could only find one of my flip-flops...!!!

Ok...Desperate Housewives time.......

Day 5........ Very Tired

Day 5 and I didnt get any sleep last night, so I've been super tired all day.

I came home from work early and slept on the couch for about 30 mins until Patrick came in to the sitting room to watch Air Crash Investigation and woke me up.

The nausea was pretty bad this evening, but seemed to pass after an hour or so.

Seriously exhausted right now, so going to get some sleep...or at least try...

Day 4 cont'd...............I Stand Corrected...!!!

So its after 2:30am on Day 4...........or is it Day 5...???

Right now, I couldn't care less what bloody day it is...I just want this pain to stop and I want to get some sleep...!!!

It feels like someone has been stabbing me in my left ovary for the past 4 hours, so if there is somebody out there holding a grudge and a voodoo doll...please, please stop...!!!

I'm really really thirsty too, which I assume is yet another side effect of these hormones.

The nausea seems to come in waves, but only in the evening time.

I remembered that the sulphuric smell of matches used to help with the morning sickness when I was pregnant last, and it seemed to help with the nausea this evening too, so that's something at least.

It is really difficult right now and I am finding it a lot to bear, but I suppose, in my head I am conscious that in just 2 weeks it will all be over. I think it makes it a bit easier that we have a schedule and we can count down the days, not like before when the timescale was fairly indefinite and every visit to the Clinic was tinged with uncertainty about whether the cycle would be cancelled that day or not.

Alright, I suppose I better try again to get some sleep.

Nighty night.xx.

Day 4 ....... Not too bad

Day 4 and things are not too bad.

I'm in a lot of pain today, but seem less irritable than I have been for the past few days. (Patrick might disagree)

Although...my afternoon did involve shopping and chocolate, so that could have something to do with it.

I am feeling very tired and hugely uncomfortable today, but I haven't had much nausea today, although saying that...it was much later yesterday evening when the nausea came on, so I guess time will tell.

Day 3 .............. "Seriously Ross Breathe Louder"

Day 3 and I am reminded of that episode of Friends where Rachel is unbelievably hormonal and poor Ross can't do right for doing wrong.

I woke up this morning to see what appeared to be the perfect silhouette of a pregnant woman on the curtain............yes, it was just a combination of the way the other curtain was sitting behind it and how the sun was shining in, but it did make me smile.

A sign...could it be???

Everything is annoying me today, I couldnt find my favourite jeans, my hair straightener wasnt heating up fast enough, idiots kept pulling out in front of me when I was driving into town and then just to complete my afternoon of irritation....the coleslaw was touching the lasagne on my plate when we went for lunch...!!!

My ovaries are extremely painful today too.

And here's the mad part..............I am still only on the low dose of hormones...!!!

Suffice to say...people may be offended, insulted or even injured over the next 2 weeks.

I apologise in advance and just remember...it is all for a good cause.

.xx.

Day 2 ......... Enter Hormones

Day 2 and all is not too bad, I guess.

I began taking the lower dose of the hormones today, started off not too bad, but wasn't long before the ovary pains started, mild at first but got progressively worse as the day went on.

Then, this evening the nausea and dizziness started. I called the Clinic and they said that it is normal to feel that way and it should get easier.

I'm feeling a bit weepy today too, but had a really nice day at work (I work with very understanding people...!!!)

I keep having waves of nausea, its just horrid...!!!

Here's hoping it gets easier...SOON...!!!

Never underestimate the power of THE BLOG

So.....a few minutes after my last post.............guess who makes an appearance...!!!

Full steam ahead for tomorrow...!!!

.xx.

Day 1..............I think...???

Ok, so my period, which has been like clockwork for the past 3 months, was due on Tuesday, meaning I would have started the hormones yesterday.

Tuesday came and went..................no sign...!!!

Wednesday came and went........................still no sign, but good God those cramps are unreal.

Thursday..........is almost gone and I am doubled over with cramps and some bare spotting, but................................. period...............helloooooooooooo................are you there...???????

I'm a little (VERY) hormonal this evening too, which has not been helped by the fact that one of my cats seemed to mistake one of my designer handbags for his litter tray..................thanks Charlie...!!!!!!!

Any way...I am currently chilling on the couch, Patrick sitting across the room on the other couch...poor guy afraid to open his mouth or to even look at me crooked, for fear of getting his head bitten off.............. wasn't the best evening for him to complain about me doing some work on my laptop after I got home...............!!! (Sorry Honey).

so for now...fingers crossed that I will have some progress on the whole period thing before midnight, so I can start the hormones tomorrow............Imagine how impossible I will be to live with then...!!!

Countdown to Implantation

Ok.....so...Patrick's ankle is proper broken, so we've had to cancel our cruise...!!!

We were super disappointed for a while, but then we realised...well....if we're not going to be away...we have no reason to wait til May to go back to the Clinic.

I rang the Clinic on Tuesday and the said I could go for my Pre-Menstrual Scan on Friday morning.

So, we went down this morning to have the scan, basically they need to check if there are any cysts on my ovaries before resuming treatment.

The scan hurt as much as it ever did...that left ovary is a master at hide-and-seek...!!!

But ...GOOD NEWS.....no cysts...!!!!!

So, we have all the medication...we just have to wait for my cycle to begin and can start the medication on Day 2, then there will be about 14-16 days of medication before Implantation.

Exciting times...very, very exciting...!!!

Mother's Day Tomorrow...

Ok, so I was doing really well...or at least I thought I was.

I guess I kept pushing it to the back of my mind that tomorrow should have been my first Mother's Day as a Mother.
Avoiding (or at least trying to avoid) these crippling feelings of loss and grief.

I've been restless all day, trying to keep busy...needing to keep busy, anything to keep me occupied to avoid dealing with how I am feeling.

But...as usual...my evasive plan was self-foiled and I am being hit with an overwhelming feeling of missing my son, of needing my son, of wanting him here so badly it actually hurts, it physically hurts...!!!

Mother's Day is supposed to be a happy day, where we show our appreciation to our Mothers, we buy them gifts and take them out to lunch, but do we forget all of the Mothers in the world, who are without their babies? The Mothers out there who find Mother's Day to be one of the hardest days of the year, its right up there with the day they lost their baby and the day their little angel was due.
It is a day which compounds in our hearts just what we have lost, it reminds us of what we are missing from our lives, of what we want the most in our lives but was taken from us.

All is not lost though...my current need to nurture is being well 'accomodated' right now (and not exploited at all...!!!!!!!!) by my husband who missed the bottom step while climbing out of his truck last night and ended up breaking his foot. So, after spending the majority of the day at the hospital, Patrick is laid up on the couch with a hard cast right up to his knee, he is in a lot of pain and is pretty much unable to do anything for himself.
I guess its my turn to look after him for a while.

To all the Mothers out there, whether you can hold your little ones in your arms or not,

Have a very Special Day Tomorrow

.xx.

Baby Retail Therapy...!!!

After getting that fantastic news on Friday, I have been pretty much just buzzing ever since.

One of my best friends had a beautiful baby girl about 4 weeks ago. I so much wanted to go shopping for the perfect present for this beautiful little lady, but after about 7 attempts...during only one of which I managed to actually make it into the baby section of the store, I just couldnt do it.

So, I got the brainwave that if I told my friend that I was going shopping for a baby present, well then...surely I would have to do it.

So, as I was chatting to her on facebook chat, I made a joke that I was going shopping the following day for a baby present, asked whether the little princess preferred Baby Burberry or Gucci Baby, of course the response was 'oh she is a fan of both' (Clever Mommy...!!!)

So, the following day, Patrick and I went off shopping. All day, I was super confident that we were going to buy a pressie for the baby at some stage during the day. So, of course we managed to go to every section of every store, apart from the baby section...!!!

Eventually Patrick that he wanted to go and look at the Guitar Magazines, so I thought...ok, this is my chance, 'I'll go and have a look for something for the baby while you're doing that'

As I entered the store I was still feeling super confident...well, I'd told my friend I was doing it...so I had to...right?

WRONG...!!!

I came to a junction in the store....go left to the baby section...go right to the accessories.............well.....I needed some hair clips, so I'll just go and get those first.  So, I pick some clips (that I havent actually worn to this day) and notice that Patrick is entering the store, having finished looking at the magazines.

Well, I didnt want to keep him waiting (yes, there is a first time for everything...!!!)...I pay for the clips and we leave the store.

I just couldn't do it.

So....after talking to the clinic on Friday..................I went to the store on Saturday and pretty much bought every pink baby outfit in sight. I called to my friend's house on the way home to give her the pressies, and was immediately handed this tiny little baby girl, oh gosh she was so tiny.

And.....for the first time in months, it wasnt breaking my heart to be holding this beautiful little being.

So, yes...that is definately progress..!!!

Needed a Break

As you will have noticed, I haven't posted for a while. I simply wasn't able to, I was seriously struggling with the overwhelming emotions of what we had just been through and just needed to take a break from it for a bit.


Over the past 4 months, I have basically picked up every illness going, my system was so low.


But I'm on the road to fighting fit again.


So, I spoke to the Clinic yesterday and everything is fine, we are good to go ahead with the Frozen Embryo Transfer on my next cycle (if we want to).


We are going to wait til the following cycle though, as we are going away on a fantastic Mediterranean Cruise at the end of next month, which would not be allowing enough time for the F.E.T cycle.


So, pretty much...when we come back from our holiday, we will have about a week and then we will be able to start back into treatment.


It really just was the best news I could have heard and I have been floating ever since hearing it.

To My Little Angel.......

Its been just over a year since you've been ripped from my womb, robbed of the chance to be born into a world where you would have been loved more than you could ever imagine.
I think of you all the time, we talk about how you would have looked, probably blue/green eyes and dark hair. I wake at night because I hear you crying in my dreams and all I want to do is comfort you, I want to hold you, I ache to hear your light breathing through silent nights.

I am crumbling tonight, a silly comment made by your Dad brought to the fore all the emotions I have been bottling up for over a year. Things keep going wrong and I am so terrified of losing another baby,  I just don't think I am strong enough to go through that again.

When I was in the emergency room on the 6th of November, exactly a year after we lost you, the lady in the next cubicle had gone into labour and had a fetal heart monitor attached, her baby's heart beat echoed throughout the room and it broke my heart to hear it.

I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in angels and I know you are there somewhere, trying to keep me strong, when in reality it should be me looking after you.

We should be preparing for your first Christmas now, every time I go to the supermarket I see something that I would love to be buying for you, the perfect 'Baby's First Christmas' outfit, a blue 'Baby's First Christmas' stocking to hang from the mantlepiece.

I shared a joke (and a secret tear) with your Dad last weekend, when we spotted a baby's shirt saying 'my Daddy rocks'. I should have been buying that for you, (although knowing your Dad, it would be accompanied by a fender strat and a drum kit...!!!!!!!)

We never got to meet you, but we never stop thinking about you. You are a huge part of our lives and we love you so much. We talk about how you would like Postman Pat and Fireman Sam, and how we would love to be showing you the shows we watched as kids, like Bosco, and how we would never have inflicted that obnoxious purple dinosaur on you.

Its so hard because we both believe that we would make great parents, but for some reason the Universe does not want that to happen right now and it is just so hard to understand.

I've cried so much tonight, cried hysterically to the point where I was crying so hard I was gasping for breathe. (I guess this is why we are not supposed to bottle up our feelings!)

I still ache when I see a new baby and I guess I always will, but I guess I just have to accept that there was a greater reason that you could not be born into this world.

" An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book

 'Too Beautiful for Earth'"

Take care my beautiful little angel.xx.

Home, Once Again.......

Four weeks, four hospital admissions.....hopefully that is the end of it now. The next time I end up in hospital, I better be in labour...!!!

I am starting to feel better, still rather sore (and very sore at times) but definately on the mend.

Starting to get out a bit now and wanting to get out more and meet people, which I think is a sign that I must be on the mend.

I am still exhausted after doing basic things and still not really sleeping very well, but I think that will improve once I start being more active.

The girls at work have come up with some fantastic ideas for fundraising for the Noah Foundation, I will post more information once we have some definate plans, but please keep sending your ideas to me.

I received a letter in the post today, it was a copy of  the report letter that Dr. Waterstone sent to my G.P.. Gosh, it is interesting to read everything I have been through in the past few weeks. I think most of it had slipped my mind actually, but it was a very interesting read.
It was also quite wonderful to be able to read back through this blog and look at how I was feeling during each stage of the process, to remember emotions both good and bad.

People keep asking how long I am going to continue writing to this blog, and I guess the answer is that I have no plans to stop anytime soon anyway. I enjoy doing it and I truly believe that it helps and informs people.

For now, I am going to get a relatively early night and hopefully some decent sleep.

4 Inch Stillettos, Hovercraft Ambulances And General Rambling...

I forgot how difficult and draining it is to do simple, everyday things when you haven't been doing them for a while.

I had to go to a work meeting this morning, wasn't ideal, but couldn't really be avoided.

I didn't sleep well last night, was very sore, but anyway I got up at 8am to get ready for the meeting. It took me about 30 minutes to get ready and I was just wiped out after that much. I had to go and lay down for half an hour before Liam came to pick me up.

Liam dropped me home afterwards and I have done absolutely nothing since. I am completely drained, so tired. I feel like I have over-exerted myself with the small amount I did today. 14 hour working days seem a distant memory now and an impossible feat...!!!

I guess I will just do a little more each day until I am back into the swing of things.

Surprisingly enough, I find wearing heels to be much more comfortable than flat shoes right now. I have figured out that this is because the pain is so low down on the right side of my abdomen, wearing flat shoes puts all my weight on my heels, which puts increased pressure on my lower abdomen, adding to the pain. Wearing heels puts most of my weight on the balls of my feet, which eases the pressure on my heels, therefore decreasing the pressure on my abdomen, making walking around much more comfortable.

I have to say I was getting some very strange looks today, walking around in boots with 4 inch stilletto heels while at the same time being off work with abdominal pain...!!!

Oh yeah...I probably should have said beforehand..........I seem to have developped a tendancy to ramble on a bit about random topics lately, one such ramble involved an idea for an ambulance design. This involved a hovercraft design with a siren attachment to stop it hurting when travelling to the hospital. As anyone who has ever been in the back of an ambulance will know that they are the most uncomfortable mode of transport ever, you end up getting battered and bruised on the way to the hospital, as you get thrown around with every little bump on the road.

Sleep Works Wonders

I finally got a decent night's sleep last night, slept from 11:30 pm til 10:00am.

Probably a combination of being home, finally knowing what's wrong and finally having some decent pain medication that actually takes away the pain.

I am up and about a bit today, getting some minor paperwork done, but at the same time following the strict orders I have been given to take it easy...!!!

Home From Hospital Again

The pain got pretty bad again on Sunday night so we went to CareDoc who sent us to Clonmel hospital.

They did some x-rays and tests and also some scans. Again, these showed the PCOS in the right ovary.

There was still some very clear blood in my urine. The Dr's were fantastic and very informative, although they readily admitted that they know very little about the IVF process.

They kept me in hospital, on Cyclomorph (morphine) injections until this morning, when we left for Cork as we had a pre-arranged appointment with Dr. Waterstone and it was very necessary that we keep this appointment.

So they did a scan at the Clinic and together we discussed and reviewed the issues and test results that had accumulated over the past four and a half weeks. Everything was pointing to a pretty significant blockage in my bowel. So, Dr. Waterstone gave me a prescription for some enemas and some medication to help to clear out my bowels, with instructions that if they haven't worked by Thursday to contact him directly and return to the Clinic.

For now though, I am super glad to be home (again) and am very tired. I never sleep properly in hospital.

We also spoke to Dr. Waterstone today about the Noah Foundation and what our plans were and how we would like to deal exclusively with his Clinic. He was quite surprised and even admitted to feeling humbled at what he was hearing.

He is very happy to liaise with us, so that through the Noah Foundation, we can provide as much support as possible to individuals and couples who are going through the same thing as us.

I am very excited about the whole Noah Foundation idea and can't wait to be well enough to really get working on it.

Must go and rest for now though, all curled up in front of the fire.