Christmas Time... Mistletoe and Crying.....

So...... Christmas then............ Ok... I had a really really hard time in the weeks coming up to Christmas. I guess Christmas is always a hard time for me. The first baby that I ever miscarried was due on Christmas Eve 2007, and would have turned 5 this year......... and with all that has happened since then..... meh, Christmas is just horrible for me.

At work... Christmas is huge, we pull out all of the stops to make Christmas so special for every single child and their families and I love that, I really really do, its all so special and so perfect and it makes me think about how we will do Christmas in our house when we have kids......

I was doing quite well on Christmas Eve, got through it without getting too upset, well except a little bit when I was chatting to one of my best friends and I made a promise to myself that this would be the last year that there are no children in our house for Christmas.

Christmas Day.......... well..... that was a different story. I woke up and was feeling ok........ and then I logged into Facebook....... BIG MISTAKE...!!!!!!! Every post on there was about all my friends and the wonderful time they were having with their kids, how much fun they were having with what Santa brought...... most of them accompanied by beautiful photographs of beaming children.

The tears started and I actually felt my heart crumbling in my chest.... and it hurt, it physically hurt.
I cried and cried for ages, sobbing uncontrollably. It is just so terribly unfair. I wanted to go back to bed and stay there til all of the merriment had passed, I felt like a proper Scrooge... and actually I guess I really did feel like a proper Scrooge..... I started to think about how much I used to love Christmas and how I'd have the tree and the decorations taken down from the attic in November some time and how Patrick and I would argue about when was too early to put them up and how much was 'too much', and how I used to hate having to take down the tree and the decorations............ then I got to thinking about how different things are now and how much I absolutely hate Christmas Day, and how we havent even put up a tree for the past two years because it was just too hard for us to face even doing that much................ then I began to think about the promise I had made to myself the night before.. that this would be the absolute last Christmas without a child in our house, and I began to think about how future Christmasses might be, but I couldnt allow my mind to wander too far in that direction, I think I was subconsciously protecting myself from creating a false sense of hope (I am the absolute master of thinking that if I say something and create an ultimatum for myself, well then it has to happen). Life has most certainly taught me that this is not the case...!!!

I then logged into Twitter, where I follow and am followed-by a lot of fertility related people and companies, one in particular had simply tweeted 'so, anyone else finding today really really difficult?', I responded to her saying that it was one of the hardest days ever for me and I'd spent most of the morning crying. We chatted a bit back and forth and that support was really great, knowing that other people were feeling exactly how I was feeling, they understood because they are in the exact same situation as I am in. So yeah.... Christmas was hard...!!!!!!!

As we approach New Year's Eve, I think back on the events of the year and how this time last year I said that things just could not be worse in 2012 than they had been in 2011. For once I was right, things certainly were not as bad in 2012 as they were in 2011.... that's not really to say that things were very good in 2012... just not as bad as the previous year.

What 2012 held for us..... A fantastic holiday to Florida... from which I returned home pregnant (naturally)..... an ectopic pregnancy which resulted in extensive ovarian surgery... from which I am still suffering pain, we received results that the condition of Patrick's sperm has gotten so much worse that it is at the worst that it could possibly be and there is no hope of reversing this condition, we went ahead with a double transfer which resulted in a double miscarriage, I suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns which will leave me scarred for life, I am having ongoing problems with cysts and ovarian pain.

What 2013 holds for us...... Another fantastic holiday to Florida, on which I am planning on having the time of my life. We are still awaiting results from The Kilkenny Clinic, which will tell us what options (if any) that we have going forward, We have been looking into fostering and adoption and depending on the results from The Kilkenny Clinic... those might be on the cards for us much sooner than we had expected. And really... well, I have no idea what else 2013 might hold for us.

Apart from my very good friends Rachel and Mary, and the online support I have received which has just been overwhelming, I cannot finish this end-of-year post without mentionning the person who has been most instrumental in keeping me sane over the past 12 months, and that person is Gordon, my acupuncturist. When I think of how many times during this year that I have called or emailled him and told him that I'm not in a good 'place', and his response has always been 'come down, we'll fix it', and you know what.... he has fixed it, every single time, The emails I've sent him ranting and raving and well, just venting about how much I hate the world and how everything just isn't fair and well... basically me being hormonal and irrational and I have never once gotten a response from him that didn't make me feel better, The two occasions that he travelled up here to treat me when I was post-op and couldn't travel to Cork for treatment, The phone calls between him and Patrick when they have been concerned about how I am doing. I have had a rough year both physically and emotionally, and I genuinely believe that I have gotten through it in the way that I have because of this support and moreso the availability of this support. I believe that angels walk this Earth and I am convinced that one operates from the Aculife Clinic in Cork, in the form of Gordon Mullins.

To Rachel, to Mary, to Gordon, to all my online supporters, to everyone who reads this blog, to all my facebook and twitter friends who keep up-to-date with how we are doing, to everyone who has ever taken one second to hope or pray that this will happen for us and to everybody out there who is on a similar journey to us........ Thank you all so much for you support, wishes, prayers, mesages..... just thank you for being there.

A lot of people expect 2013 to be a year of bad luck... but its gotta be the opposite for us.... right???????

Happy New Year Everyone xx

I Would Die For That.......

Gordon showed me this video today, and it just encapsulates and explains my thoughts, feelings and emotions, more than I ever could explain with words. I watched it again when I got home and the tears just haven't stopped flowing........ its beautiful and perfect... and absolutely heartbreaking.
 I actually would die for that.......

Time Is A Great Healer

Patrick and I went to Limerick on Sunday to do some Christmas shopping, we had a lovely day out and got everything that we wanted to get... a successful day shopping-wise, but an even more successful day in another way......

We went into a shop to get a gift for Patrick's niece who is just three months old, and it was only when we were stading in the queue for what seemd like forever, that I realised what shop I was in and the impact that shops like that used to have on me. We were standing in the queue in Mothercare, surrounded by pregnancy and baby related items and pregnant women and couples with new babies, It should have been an absolute nightmare, but it wasnt, it was actually fine (well, apart from the fact that it took forever to actually get served). I was even comfortable enough to look around that shop, to admire a beautiful nursery set... the one that I know I will just have to have when the time comes.

Time really does heal all wounds, I'm finding myself being genuinely happy for my friends who have recently told me that they are pregnant, and I mean genuinely  happy, not feigned 'happiness' tainted with the usual tinge of sadness or regret that it should be me, just really happy for them and looking forward to sharing this journey with them.

I have come to realise that I can't make this happen for me, on my schedule, I also realise that I am in no great hurry for this to happen, its not like I am 38 and am running out of time, I am 28 and I have time.

We jumped into the ICSI/IVF process when I was just 25 and at that point I wanted it to happen and I wanted it to happen NOW, I never for a second thought that it wouldnt work out, never mind remotely imagined that what actually happened would have been the outcome.  So... the realisation that I actually have time and dont have to rush this process, is quite a welcome one.

We went to visit the Kilkenny Fertility Clinic and the Dr. we met there... well.... she kinda made me panic about how much time I have left to embark on this journey, as in... she made me feel like I was running out of time and needed to act on this quite quickly. I brought this notion to Gordon and his response..... 'Anne-Marie, 90% of the women who attend my clinic would pull both of their arms off to be where you are timewise' , so that was enough to put my mind at ease regarding time.

We have been to have some more tests done, at the request of the Dr. in Kilkenny, one test in particular, a chromosome test which should have been done before we ever started any IVF treatment, will reveal whether I am actually able to carry a pregnancy past 8 weeks. There may be a chromosomal issue which would most likely put an end to our fertility journey, so we are waiting for the results of these tests to come back before we even begin to think about where we might go from here.

There's been a few setbacks over the past few weeks, with notes being misplaced and bloods being mixed up and that kind of thing, but I've made a conscious decision to laugh these things off, because there are just more important things in life that warrant getting stressed and upset over, than basic human error.

I guess my thinking has shifted a bit, and I'm attributing this to something a very good friend of mine said to me while I was doing my whole 'While adoption is an option, I'm not ready to give up on carrying my own baby' speech. She asked me which was more important... to carry a child for 9 months, or have one for the rest of my life? It really got me thinking, and while I still feel that I am not ready to give up on the whole trying to get pregnant thing..... it has become less of the focus now, and I do realise that there are other options available to us.

That is pretty much everything that has been going on with me lately, and I'll post again when I find out the results of the tests.

.xx.

Cyber-Bullying, Its Not Just For Kids

Ok, I know I've not posted in a while, and that is really because I didn't really feel that I had much to write about. I've not felt up to even thinking about where we go from here in relation to our fertility journey, never mind try to write about it.
This post is not going to be fertility related either, it is about something that has been bothering me recently, and is very prominent in recent times.

I wanted to write about the whole area of 'cyber-bullying'. I recently became aware of ask.fm and the very disturbing stories of two young teenagers who commited suicide because they were being bullied on that anonymous social networking site. How sad is it that two young girls, completely unconnected to eachother, apart from suffering a similar fate, should feel that they have no way out, that things are so terrible, that they took their own lives. Their pages on that site are accessible to anyone, and it is sickening to read the things that were being said to them.
When I initially heard about it, I thought some of it could be down to immaturity of the posters and an almost 'herd' mentality that sometimes accompanies puberty and being a teenager(well, if everyone else is doing it...etc), Someone even mentioned that 'kids can be so cruel to eachother', and while this is true, unfortunately it is not confined to teenagers.

A good friend of mine recently started noticing things being written about them on the internet, nasty things with no truth to them, nor any apparent agenda for them being posted... again on anonymous forums. Blatant lies that could have been very damaging to this person and their livelihood. Luckily on consultation with the forum administrator, the posts were removed quite quickly and hopefully with minimum damage, but the site admin said that unfortunately, that sort of thing was a daily occurance.

I spoke with this friend yesterday and the conversation turned to this cyber-bullying. They told me how frustrated it made them feel, how violated and unfairly they felt they were being treated, how utterly unnecessary it all was and how scary it is that anyone, anywhere can join a forum anonymously and say anything they want about anyone, with no gauge or regard for how true or otherwise the content might be.

They then made the statement that if it affected them so much, as a grown adult who is both confident and comfortable with who they are and what they are doing with their life, can you imagine how something like that could affect a young teenager, who is at such an awkward time in their lives anyway.

I've had some people post anonymous messages on this blog from time to time, some of which haven't been very nice, but I guess I've always been of the opinion that if someone doesn't like what I write.... I'm not forcing anyone to read it.

I just find the whole thing rather frightening, I can see how it happens but gosh, I will never understand why it happens, kids being mean to eachother is one thing, and while it does happen, measures should be taken to ensure that it never gets to the stage of anyone feeling that they have to take their own life over something that has been said to them online, but I will never understand why grown adults will take to anonymous forums, with no reason or agenda but to cause trouble for another human being.

I, for one, would hope that if someone had something to say about me, that they would pick up the phone, email, text, or whatever the channel of communication... and they would say it TO me, not about me on the world wide web for all to see........

Ten Candles

My first post in more than 2 months… here goes…….

 

I managed to get myself to a place where I found a balance within myself, I found that I didn’t have to let things upset me just because they were baby-related. I found that I could be around pregnant people and not have it bother me as much as it used to. Most of all, I found that I was able to identify what and who were really important in my life, I found I was able to focus on what was really important and the people who are really important in my life, and by removing the people and things that were causing me unnecessary stress, I found that I was much happier and much more at ease.

 

I have had a bad couple of weeks lately though. It started on the 2^nd of October, exactly a year after the ectopic pregnancy/ losing twins/ emergency surgery/ chemotherapy episode and I found that it affected me a lot more than I thought it would, I was genuinely upset at the memories. It surprised me that it did upset me so much because I had thought that I had reached a place where I could almost chose what upsets me and what doesn’t….. turns out I was wrong…!!!

 

On top of that, it just seems that its one person after another having their babies right now and while I am so happy for each and every one of them, it just compounds for me that it is them and not me. I find myself having to continually remind myself that my time will come, and while I still genuinely believe that it will… the constant reminder that it is not going to happen anytime soon is very very difficult for me.

 

I emailed Gordon this morning to tell him I was having a crap time, he rang me straight away… Ok, so I got told off for allowing myself to be feeling emotionally crap for 2 weeks and not contacting him sooner, but he then reminded me that I am only human and my past will always be a part of me and there will always be times when I feel down or upset. He also reminded me that having a bad day is normal and it is only important to notice how quickly you come out of your bad day, but sometimes when your bad days become bad weeks and the next day does not seem any brighter than the last… that it is ok to ask for help.

 

I haven’t been to see Gordon for quite a while, I haven’t needed to. I had been doing so great emotionally and physically that I was almost constantly in the state that I usually leave Gordon’s clinic in, and I think it was because of that… that I didn’t contact him this time when I noticed that this was more than just a bad day. He reminded me that ‘me not needing him’ is actually a good thing, but I guess I just felt bad that I hadn’t really been in touch.

 

So today is the 15^th of October, International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Those of you who have followed this blog will remember last year when I posted a picture of seven lighting candles. Parents of angel babies around the world light candles for their little angels from 7-8pm on the 15^th of October every year.

 

This year, I have ten candles lighting, one for each of our little angels, it is unfortunate that we have had to add another three candles this year but here’s hoping that we will just be lighting 10 candles again next year.xx.

 

 

Just Wanted To Share...

I have opened this page so many times over the past week, so many times I have wanted to write on here... but I just couldnt, the words would not come to me. I am still in the midst of attempting to process all that has happened in the past 2 weeks and there is so much I need to write about, but I'm just not able to right now.

I do, however, want to share something with you. I received something in the post this morning, something that is so very special... all I could do was stare at it. It is something that I will treasure forever because it is the perfect way to symbolise the two little angels that I have just lost.

This gift came from somebody that I don't know very well or for very long, but this person has shown a great interest in my story and has been a fantastic source of support in recent times.

All I can say is

Thank You.xx.

A Crazy Series Of Events.......

So...after what can only be described as an unbelievably crazy series of events.... I am suffering bigtime.

The burns are really bad, especially the ones on my arm.

This was taken yesterday morning at the hospital. I was unable to take pictures of the rest of the burns.

The burns on my side, back and leg arent quite as bad and they seem to be healing more quickly than the burns on my arm and the right side of my stomach, but unfortunately I had the hot water bottle on my stomach, under my arm when it burst so hence why those areas got so badly burned.

I am going to A&E every morning to have the burns reviewed and redressed. This morning was just horrific coz they had to scrape the top layer of skin and blisters off the surface of the burns with a knife-like implement. This especially hurt my arm and stomach as while all of the burns are raw, those areas are very deep and open.

I was talking to the nurse this morning at the hospital and we were just saying how unbelievably simple it is for things like this to happen. I have been using a hot water bottle to help with tummy cramps since I was about 9 years old and have never had any problems. I think I can safely say that there will never be a hot water bottle used in my house again...!!!

My body seemed to go into shock after I got burned on Sunday night and this seems to have caused the process of miscarrying to stop for a bit.  I havent had any cramps or contractions since Sunday night, nor have I felt my cervix dilating any further. I have started to feel some light cramps just in the past few hours, so I think maybe things are starting to happen again.

Really not looking forward to the amount of pain I will be in trying to cope with the pain of the burns along with the labour-like pain of miscarrying..................

You Won't Believe This..........

So.... my cervix started to dilate earlier and I was in a lot of pain.

Patrick got me a hot water bottle and I was snuggled up on the couch with my pillow and hot water bottle, when the hot water bottle burst.

I got absolutely roasted. The skin on my right elbow and forearm just like melted, it looks like melted plastic, and all down my stomach, back and my upper right leg is covered in blisters.

I had to go to A&E by ambulance, the pain was so bad the paramedic had to give me some gas to take the edge off of it on the way to the hospital.

Initially they covered the burns in a water gel which they left on for 30 minutes, they then removed that and covered them in a gauze. I have to go back tomorrow morning to have the dressings changed and to have the extent of the burns properly assessed, but for not it looks like 3rd degree burns on my right arm and upper leg, and 2nd degree burns on my stomach, side and back.

Honestly... I feel like a puppet on a string, and I'm sure if I wasn't so doped up on painkillers I would definitely be questionning why all of this is happening to me, but for now.... I'm just home and am going to try and find some way of getting relatively comfortable for the night.

I Can't Think Of A Title For This Post.

It seemed so ridiculously cruel and unfair that I should suffer morning sickness today. There is part of me that wishes I knew what it was that I did to deserve all of this.

I am having some pains today, so I think things might happen faster than I thought. The Dr. had said it could be about 3 days before I notice any pains.

So... now we play the waiting game... again.... waiting for my body to simulate labour and to expel the contents of my womb... once again, bringing our total number of angel babies to 10.

The only emotion I feel is numbness, this actually just cannot be happening again...!!!

Why.... Oh Why... Oh Why...???

Well... that was short lived.

We went to Cork this morning because I was having some pain in my left side and just wanted to completely rule out another ectopic pregnancy.

They did some blood tests to check how the levels are progressing.

Unfortunately, they are not progressing and they are dropping very fast.

I am miscarrying both embryos, the nurse said it will probably be just another 2 or 3 days and then I will start to lose them.

Words.......... they just dont exist..........

I Think......... Maybe..........

So...all in all..... I think I might be pregnant...!!!

Looking at the symptoms:

Headaches : Check

Raised Temperature : Check

Sore Boobs : Check

Stretching Pains : Check

Crazy Heartburn : Check

Fatigue : Check

Leg Cramps : Check

Lots of Sneezing : Check

Lower Back Pain : Check

Ovary Pain : Check

Heightened Sense of Smell : Check

Oh yeah..... and these................

:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

Day 2 Post Transfer

So its been two days since transfer and I'm having lots of Implantation symptoms, bloating, lower back pain, uterus pains, mild cramping, headaches......... all of these are really good signs as Implantation would be expected to happen before the end of today.

I'm happy with how I am feeling and am hoping that I will be feeling pure crap (for all the right reasons) by this time next week.

We really were impressed with the Clinic on Tuesday, they were very accomodating and pleasant and really contributed to making this experience a much more positive one than the last three.

I'm going back to work tomorrow for a bit, but will be taking it easy. I will try and keep busy though coz those feelings of 'how many more days til I can test?' are starting to creep in already...!!!

Medication-wise... I have finished the courses of Oxytetracycline and Medrone, I am continuing to take the highest doses of Fematab and Progesterone (I think these continue until the end of the first trimester), I started the Innohep injections and NuSeals Aspirin on Tuesday and have to continue those, along with the Metformin for 13 weeks (I think).

I really dont mind having to take all of these medications now, anything that helps this work out for us.

Patrick and I sat and watched two episodes of 'From Here To Maternity' last night, somethign we have not been able to do in a long, long time. In fact, we have not been able to watch any TV programmes that have anything to do with babies or pregnancy or anything like that in a long time, but last night... we were able to... and it just filled us with hope, every couple on there had their own story, each one had a journey... and in the end... they each left the hospital with their babies in the arms..... just like we will...!!!

Day 1 Post Transfer

Day one post transfer and I'm feeling surprisingly good. I'm having lots of pains, but good pains. I'm feeling quite tired and clammy today.

I have very little soreness compared to my previous transfers and am so filled with hope, even I am finding it difficult to believe how hopeful I am. From the moment we found out that both embryos had survived yesterday.... I was just filled with hope, my fears and anxieties just disappeared. I knew at that point that everything was going to be ok... and I still believe that.

I know I've been so up and down emotionally throughout this cycle that there was never a point where I truly believed that it will happen this time...... not until now, now there isnt a tiny part of me that even considers that this is not going to be the time that it works for us.

Apart from feeling hopeful, I em experiencing a very interesting calmness, not the usual nerves and anxiety that I experienced the previous times. I am embracing the cramps and pains and headaches... because I know they are good pains. I know that my two babies are inside of me and I know that they are doing everything they can to hang on in there...... and every twinge I feel is a twinge of hope... that maybe... just maybe everything will be fine this time.

Day 17..... Miracles Do Happen :-)

What an amazing day.

It started off pretty bad actually............ The clinic didn't have the right contact mumbers for either of us so I ened up having to call them at about 10:10... only to be told that one of the embryos had died and time will tell on the other one. I was pretty distraught at this.... it just seemed that in a split-second...... our chances of success had just been halved.

We went to see Gordon before the transfer and I really wasnt in a good place. He asked me to lay on the table as he felt I would benefit from some specific points. So... I stood up and what happened.....??? Yep... I twisted my ankle and fell over...... it just got worse and worse...!!!

Gordon used a lot of needles and used some pretty strong points. He also played a hypnosis track in the background and he left the room.... within a few minutes, all of my worries had melted away and I truly was just floating. He came back into the room after about 20 minutes and asked how I was... I think I told him to go away.... I was just so relaxed. He left me alone for about 10 more minutes.

When he came back in I asked him what that hypnosis track was as I wanted to see if I could download it and use it during the transfer...... Gordon picked up his iPod, handed it to me and told me to take it with me.

When we got to the clinic, we just had a few minutes to wait and then we were called to the theatre. We got all gowned up and were asked to wait in one of the recovery rooms, where we got the consents signed and the embriologist came to speak to us. She told us that we would be transferring 2 embryos.... we must have looked at her like she had 2 heads or something... so she explained to us that the embryo that initially hadnt survived, suddenly just sprung to life and while it is not as good quality as the other one, it is definitely viable and would definitely be worth transferring.

As soon as we heard this... we were on cloud 9, it was the exact boost of hope that we needed. We went into the theatre and I lay on the table, switched on Gordon's iPod and let myself float away. Patrick told me afterwards that the Dr. was talking to me the whole time and asking me questions and I was just completely unaware of it. I was in such a deep state of relaxation, that while I was aware of all of the sensations, I wasnt feeling any pain. In my head, I was comfortable and safe in Gordon's clinic and I truly was just floating. It was such a difference experience to the previous three transfers, where I was struggling and crying because it was just hurting so much, It was actually the most beautiful experience and it was over before I knew it.

We went back to Gordon's clinic afterwards and I was still just floating... so much that as soon as he put the needles in and left the room..... I fell asleep...!!!

We got home about 4pm and I fell asleep again for another hour.

I'm feeling a little discomfort but nothing compared to the usual pain and soreness I feel after transfer. I'm gona stay on bedrest for a day or two and give these two little embryos the best chance ever.

It has been an amazing day, a miraculous day... lets hope the miraculous continues to happen.xx.

Day 16.......... A Little Freak-Out

Day 16 and I can't believe its only like 14 hours away.....!!!!!

Ok.... so I had a little Freak-Out this evening. I was a bit unsettled about tomorrow anyway.... I had an appointment with Gordon at 4pm..... so I went down to Cork. I kinda thought I was doing sort-of ok.... but as soon as I walked into the treatment room and sat down on the super-comfy chair..... I just broke down.

I was in bits, a combination of being anxious and nervous and dreading the thought of how much it is going to hurt and needing to be certain that I was going ahead with this transfer for all the right reasons.

Ok... it was sooo bad... Gordon didnt even get to stick any needles into me today......... instead we just sat and talked and talked until I could finally see that I was doing this transfer for all of the right reasons and he quoted me from when I was in a better place and I said that if there is any chance that this transfer could be the one that works.... then it is worth taking that chance.

So...... we are doing this transfer tomorrow. We are seeing Gordon before and after the procedure.

Thinking I am probably not gona sleep very well tonight coz of how anxious I am feeling...............

Fingers crossed everyone.xx.

Day 15... So Far So Good

Day 15 and I started the next two medications yesterday, Medrone and Oxytatracycline. Am feeling ok on them, not having many undesirable effects... just mainly tiredness, some mild headaches and some abdominal pain. I havent been sleeping very well and when I do sleep... I seem to have the weirdest dreams.

I added a chat client to this blog yesterday, as was suggested by one of my regular readers.... if anyone has any questions or comments, please feel free to use the chat box on the right of the page.

I can't believe it is just 36 hours til we go through with this transfer... in some ways it has been the longest 2 weeks of my life..... in others, it has come around much faster than I expected.

Its funny... coz even though I have been through this three times before... I am still finding myself searching the internet for ways to make this transfer easier, trying to find a way to make it hurt less, trying to find a way to reassure myself that it will hurt... but it will be ok... even though I have done it three times before and while it hurt like crazy... I did survive and I did get through it.

I am hoping to bring my iPod into the operating theatre with me this time (pending Clinic's policy on this), I have downloaded the same music that Gordon plays during acupuncture sessions and I think that if I can lay on the operating table, close my eyes and listen to that music... somehow I can distance myself from what is actually going on in my nether regions.

One of the girls at work was asking me about the procedure on Friday and I told her to imagine stuffing a turkey for Christmas.... except, instead of opening the turkey and stuffing it with a spoon... you use a car-jack to open it and a shovel to stuff it. While that conjured up some pretty funny images in her head... In my mind... in it a fairly good description  of what takes place.


I really hope nobody who reads this is having turkey for dinner on Tuesday...........

Acupuncture SOS

So... This migraine was getting ridiculously bad and nothing was helping it at all. I remembered that Gordon had put tacks in my feet before but couldnt remember the exact points. I sent him a message to ask him and he rang me.

He instructed me over the phone on the placement of 5 tacks, one on the inside of each ankle, one on the outside of each ankle and one in the grove between the big toe and second toe on my left foot...... initially it didnt have any effect, the tack on the outside of my right ankle didnt feel right, so I moved it down slightly... and that must have been the exact right combination of points coz instantly I could feel the migraine just dissolve until it was completely gone.

Just unbelievable because I had suffered with it for most of the day.

Amazing, Just Amazing......

Day 12... Starting Progesterone

Its Day 12 and I started the progesterone this morning........... been suffering with the most awful migraine all afternoon, its been just really bad. I dont remember getting migraines from it before so it could be caused by something else but I suppose the next few days will tell.

We've got to go down to Cork again tomorrow to get bloods done... they need to be sure that neither of us has contracted HIV or anything like that before they transfer...!!!

Apart from that... there isnt much else going on. I'm going to have an early night tonight and hope that this migraine settles down. Once it does, I will insert the foot tacks for a few days and hopefully they will keep the migraines away coz I have to start some more hormones and other medications on Saturday.

Day 11..... Scan...... More Hormones... and Transfer Date

Day 11 and I had to increase the hormone doses again.... not finding it too difficult though, feeling much better than I did on the last increase. I am feeling tired, really tired but I find that I'm not sleeping very well, seem to be tossing and turning a lot at night. I wonder if this might be down to having to take the hormones when I'm going to bed so I must enquire as to whether it matters if I take them a bit earlier.

I went for scan today... a very difficult scan, unusually... the nurse located my left ovary with no problems but had serious difficulty finding my right ovary... she actually had to put her hand on my stomach and almost under my hip bone to guide the probe in further..... yeah... not very pleasant at all.... and extremely painful. I lay there with my eyes closed picturing myself in my most relaxed state at Gordon's clinic, trying to block out the pain... and suddenly I realised what I was doing.... I was sub-consciously rubbing the third knuckle on my right hand..... the exact point that Gordon had used as an anchor point during Monday's session.

My womb lining has reached adequate thickness so it looks good for going ahead with the transfer and they have scheduled for next Tuesday.

I went to see Gordon after my scan and had a lovely relaxing session with him. Weirdest thing though..... he used a point today on my right wrist... like near the base of my thumb. He has used this point once before and the exact same thing happened. When he inserted the needle... I felt the needle going in to the knuckle of my right index finger and not in the point where he actually put it.... He did explain it to me... something to do with movement of energy.... I dont fully remember what it was, but I will ask him when I see him next.

The next time I see Gordon it will be in direct preparation for the transfer. I will see him on Monday evening, then I will see him on Tuesday morning directly before the transfer and on Tuesday afternoon directly after the transfer... and if he is not completely sick of the sight of me by then... hopefully I will get a few sessions in during my two week wait.... so we can give these little ones the best possible chance of survival.

I'm feeling quite sore this evening from today's scan but my emotions have completely settled down in relation to this transfer. Gordon asked me today if I was feeling any anxiousness about it and I quite honestly told him that I wasnt. He told me he was really proud of how far I had come and he said that there had been a few times in the past 2 weeks when he wasnt so sure that I would get to this point this time... and to be honest... neither was I...!!!

All is good now though and my emotions are in the right place... apart from dreading Round 4 of Me Vs The Speculum... I'm really feeling very positive about it all.

Day 10.... A Whole New Day

Yesterday's session with Gordon was the most difficult acupuncture session I have ever had, but also the most productive. Today was a whole new day for me, with a whole new set of feelings..... positive feelings.
The only way I can describe how I felt leaving Gordon's clinic yesterday is the exact same relief that I have felt when I have been in really bad physical pain and it gets to the point where I just cant take it anymore and I go to the Dr and get a pain-killing injection and I feel that instant sense of relief, its almost a feeling of 'fuzziness', a feeling of being able to comfortably breath, that wonderful feeling of no longer being in pain. That wonderful sense of relief.
Things were just so much brighter today. I didnt sleep well last night, I tossed and turned most of the night because even though I couldnt remember all of the emotions I had gone through when I wrote on here last night, as soon as I lay down in bed.... each emotion came back to me in turn, provoking thought and killing sleep.

Even sleep deprived... today was so much better than every previous day since this cycle began.

Patrick only read last night's blog post a few minutes ago... and when he had finished reading it he asked "Do you actually feel better after writing all of that?"

I responded that I did, I really did.

Unfortunately, reading all of that has had the opposite effect on him and he is now experiencing all of the feelings of anger that he had experienced back then. He describes the experience as barbaric and inhumane. I have suggested to him that maybe he needs to find a way to release all of those emotions because I believe that, like me, it is possibly holding him back from moving forward.

I have received a lot of messages in the past 24 hours, some suggesting I should be contacting a lawyer, others expressing disgust at what I was put through, I received some messages congratulating me on finally releasing all of the pain I had been hanging on to, but the messages that had the biggest effect on me... were messages of hope, and I received a lot of those.

My own thinking and attitude has completely changed now too, the change is phenomenol.

A good friend of mine told me today that she is expecting and she had been hiding it from me, but felt that she couldnt hide it anymore. I get the feeling she was expecting me to push her away and perhaps I would have done that if she had broken the news to me 24 hours earlier when I was in such a bad place..... but today... my response....

"Oh fantastic..... I'll only be 5 months behind you"

And you know what...... I will be........

Day 9....... Revelations

I'm sure by now you will all have figured out that I have been having a really, really rough time this past week and in truth, I really couldnt figure out why. I knew I was feeling really resentful and angry and I was finding myself being really 'snappy' and impatient. For the most part I was putting this down to the hormones but it just wasnt sitting fully right with me.

I went down to see Gordon today... it was a last minute appointment and he was very good to accomodate me at such short notice. I was just feeling so angry and lost and I knew that he could help me or at least I knew that I could really talk to him about what was going on.....

But when I got there..... I found myself unable to vocalise what was going on... I genuinely did not know... and usually when I tell Gordon that I don't know what is going on... he knows that I do actually know and he pushes me until I can talk about it, but today... he realised that I actually didn't know.

He suggested we try a technique known as a Hypnotic Emotional Drop Through, initially I wasn't too willing... I have used this technique and I have seen what it can do to people's emotions, but Gordon assured me that I could stop it at any point if I didnt want to go fully through with it.

Basically, it involves getting into a very relaxed state and beginning with the most prominent emotion, you must vocalise that emotion. For me, it was anger. Once the emotion has been vocalised you must take a very deep breath and hold it for a few seconds and only release it when you are ready to release the attachment to that emotion. You then take some more deep breaths until you return to a fully relaxed state. The next step is to 'drop down' through that emotion and find the next emotion that is directly under that. It can take a bit of searching to find the emotion that you are truly feeling... but the thing about this technique is that it only works if you are true to your emotions and find the actual emotion that you are feeling. The next emotion for me was frustration, and so we repeated the process.

The other thing about this technique is that it is a hypnotic technique... therefore... I dont fully remember what all the emotions that we went through were, but there were about 20 I would imagine..... until I got to 'scared' and that was the last emotion that I could 'drop-through'. I said to Gordon that I couldnt drop through that emotion because dropping through that brought me to full circle and back to anger, instead I felt that I had to move in a horizontal direction and almost parrallel to being scared..... the emotion I found there was the tiniest glimmer of hope, we repeated the process and Gordon asked me to drop-through that emotion and I did... although it felt more like raising above that emotion than dropping through it, I found 'possibility', once again we dropped through it and I struggled to put a word to the next emotion... describing it as the 'opposite to the funnel effect', I eventually vocalised 'blossoming', and that was it. Gordon brought me back to a fully conscious state and then left me alone for a few minutes to fully comprehend what had just happened.

My emotions has gone from Angry, Frustrated and Scared to Hope, Possibility and Blossoming... but even still it just didnt feel properly right to me.

Gordon had used an 'anchoring' technique on the positive emotions (anchoring goes back to Pavlov's experiments and basically creates an attachment between a stimulus and an emotion... for example... squeezing a knuckle when thinking of 'hope', so eventually one will feel hope when that knuckle is squeezed).

He then asked me what emotion I attach to going back to having this transfer, I immediately said 'hatred'. Gordon then put pressure on the anchor point and asked me to think about going for this transfer in terms of hope, possibility and blossoming. It seemed a bit odd and I wasn't fully sure where this was going..... but all of a sudden it was like a light bulb went off in my mind, suddenly everything just felt connected, it all clicked for me.

Gordon could see what had happened and asked me to vocalise what was going on in my head, it took me a minute to find the words but eventually I told him that I had just realised that my feelings of anger, hatred and frustration are not in fact connected to CFC or IVF or even my history and fear of it all going wrong, in fact... those feelings are personal feelings that I have towards the owner of CFC and were caused by the way I was treated at one point.

I never wrote or even spoke in detail about my egg collection procedure... there were two reasons for this, the first being that I didnt want to bring any negativity to the process or attach any negativity to the clinic..... the second being that I knew there were a lot of people reading this blog who were on the same journey as me and I didnt want to scare anyone with details of my bad experience.

But it is now time for me to write about that experience, because that is where my negative feelings have come from..... so here goes........

We were told that I would be sedated and completely asleep for the whole procedure, so we didnt really think too much of it. As far as I was concerned I wouldnt know anything about the process until it was long over. The morning of the procedure I was gowned up and brought into the theatre, Patrick was told to go away and to come back in about 3 hours.

I remember being given the sedation into the vein on the inside of my right wrist.... and then I remember waking up... except when I woke up... the procedure wasnt over... in fact it had only just begun. The procedure is done by passing a thick needle through the vaginal wall, bursting the follicles and collecting the egg-containing fluid. This has to be done for each follicle..... I had 36 follicles.

It had appeared that the needle had come out of my arm or my vein had collapsed... either way I was no longer sedated... and there is only a tiny window of time to collect these eggs before the body ovulates naturally and the eggs would be lost. I remember screaming at the Dr to stop as he pushed that needle through my vaginal wall over and over again, I remember my arms being held by nurses as they tried to keep me still so that they could proceed with the process. I remember begging them to stop, the pain was just horrific.

Eventually it was over and they brought me back to the recovery room. I immediately called Patrick and instantly he knew something wasnt right... as far as he was concerned I'd be asleep for at least another 2 hours. I was crying and screaming down the phone to him, I was so traumatised.
Patrick came back as quickly as he could and he was fuming.

He called for one of the Dr's but instead one of the lab technicians came in and told me that I should have told them that I had a low pain threshold.... yep.... it was my fault...!!!

The nurse then came in and explained that there had been a problem with the sedation and that is was a very difficult egg collection procedure due to the placement of my left ovary.

We left for home then and it was right after then that I developped all the problem with my bowels... which later came out that there was a possibility that my bowel was needled due to my struggling during the procedure... yep..... my fault again...!!!

I spent 4 weeks in hospital then due to a combination of bowel problems and Ovarian HyperStimulation Syndrome. When I got out of hospital, Patrick and I asked to meet with the owner of the Clinic, a well respected Dr. I told him that I was hugely upset over what had taken place and that I should have been told that there was a chance that I may not be fully asleep during the procedure. His response was that there is always a risk of not being fully asleep with sedation but he didnt see the point in telling every patient that as soon as they walked through the door.

I was deeply upset and told him that he had an obligation to his patients to give them all of the information before any procedure so that they could be fully informed and in my mind... knowledge is always power. If I know something could happen.... I can prepare myself for that eventuality.

We were basically told that we didnt know what we were talking about and that he didnt see anything wrong with what had taken place during my egg collection procedure and it was 'unfortunate' that I was feeling the way I was.... yes... you guessed it..... my fault again...!!! His attitude was completely inappropriate and clearly his 'God-like' ego did not like being told that maybe he should have done something differently.

Things got very heated that day, I was in a hugely traumatic state, we had no way of knowing how much damage had been done, Patrick was in bits with worry and this Dr was having an attitude with us and refusing to tell us anything..... I hate to admit how close it came to a violent confrontation between them, but it was very close.

Things lay quiet for a few months til we went back to CFC for our first transfer, then the second and third transfers. After the disaster that was the third transfer I called the clinic to set up an appointment with the same Dr in an attempt to find out why it kept going wrong for us. We had the appointment for 4 weeks and I called the morning of the appointment to double check the time.... only to be told that said Dr. would not be in the clinic that day and I should have called earlier to double check..... yep... all my fault...!!!

I have been carrying this pain for almost 2 years, and I never spoke about it or wrote about it..... until today. Up til now I was blaming everything else for how I was feeling, but now I truly realise why I have been feeling the way I was.

Gordon asked me how I was going to deal with this in a way that would allow me to go ahead with this transfer, and after thinking for a minute... I realised that I didnt need to deal with it... all I had to do was seperate it.... and I was able to do that. I realised that my feeling of anger and hatred were personal feelings I had towards this Dr., not feelings or emotions related to the transfer or getting pregnant......... and that was that...!!!

Almost immediately I felt better, that cloud had lifted and now I feel hope, I see possibility and I can feel my body preparing for my babies to blossom inside of me...... Now, I can get pregnant and I fully believe that now..... I can stay pregnant.

Lets do this transfer...!!!

Day 8...... Is It Only Day 8...???

Day 8 and I don't know whether to laugh or cry...!!!

I'm feeling tired and hormonal, lots of bloating and ovary pain, feels like my abdomen is going to explode. I've been very restless all day but at the same time have done absolutely nothing.

Its hard for me to believe that I have done this three times before, I guess I've probably felt this way each time but I find it so difficult to recall how I felt each time before. I'm at the point where it seems so endless, we are only 8 days into this cycle... that is really the very beginning of the cycle and it feels like we've been doing this so long already.

The symptoms get worse each day and whats worse than the physical symptoms is the feelings and emotions and not being able to properly deal with what you are feeling coz it isnt what you are actually feeling... it is almost psuedo-emotions caused by the hormones.

My ability to achieve rational thought has completely disappeared, as has most of my spatial awareness (any jokes about women drivers will not be well received right now...!!!) I find myself getting easily irritated over things that usually would not cost me a thought and maintaining a comfortable temperature is physically impossible right now, I'm either too hot or too cold!

I'm trying to remember when things get better... but I'm fairly reliably ensured that it gets a lot worse before it gets better...... I suppose I'll start to worry when Patrick starts hiding any knives or sharp objects...................

Day 7 Just Quite Odd.......

The strangest thing happened to me on Thursday evening. I got home from work and was feeling fine, but withing 30 minutes of getting home... I began to feel really really odd, after about another hour I was feeling really ill. I put this down to the fact that Patrick had been ill all day and figured I had judt picked up whatever he had, but after about another 30 minutes... I was almost completely incapacitated... everything hurt, every muscle in my body was actually aching, even swallowing my own saliva was agony, my glands were swollen, I had fever and chills and felt like it was agony to even try and move. I fell asleep for about 40 minutes but didnt feel any differently when I woke up, I was really hot but freezing cold at the same time, it was so odd. But stranger than how fast this came on, was how quickly it just went away. It lasted almost exactly 6 hours and they by about 2am... I was feeling fine again.

I went to see Gordon yesterday morning and I told him what had happened. Since Thursday night, I have been feeling really drained and lethargic and just really sleepy. Gordon hinted that it might have something to do with the fact that I have been working 70-80 hour weeks for the past 8 weeks and have pretty much ignored any advice to slow down a bit. So, I have come to the conclusion that Thursday night's episode was a warning from my body to just slow down a bit and to start really looking after myself.

Today is Day 7 and I have had to double the hormone doses today... which hasnt helped my energy levels. I've been feeling proper odd all day, lots of ovary pain, so lethargic and just no drive to do anythying. I go back to the clinic on Wednesday morning and hopefully by then they will be able to give me a date for transfer.

I am really finding this cycle really odd, I am finding myself physically unable and unwilling to engage in the process, I don't really even feel like talking about it. Gordon keeps asking me how I am feeling about it and in all honesty... I have no idea how to answer him. I don't know how I am feeling about it... it is all just kinda happening.

I know I am being a bit hormonal and probably a bit snappy, it is completely unintentional and I have myself convinced that it is nothing to do with the amount of hormones I am taking... but instead that people in general have conspired to just be really annoying around me lately...... (yep, that is how in denial I actually am...!!!)

Even though I have recently lost a lot of weight, I am feeling bloated and horrible... 3 wardrobes full of clothes and nothing that fits (or more accurately.... nothing that I want to wear) .... Its like PMS x 4...!!!

Gordon used some new points yesterday, detox points... one in each foot, one in my right wrist and one in the back of my left hand. He warned me that I might find these points tough and I suppose I didnt fully understand what he meant..... usually when he says that I end up in floods of tears five minutes later. It is today that I am finding those points tough... I slept til noon... something I can never remember doing before (I am usually a very early riser), I reluctantly went to town for an hour and came home and just wanted to sleep again.

I know I really need to start listening to my body and paying attention to the signs my body is giving me, and I will do this... I have to do this because in less than 10 days time... I will be pregnant and no amount of detachment from the process can change that fact.

I went to see Steps in Cork last night with Rachel, and while it was cheesy out... it was just so much fun... and I'm not a bit embarrassed to admit that knowing every word of every song made it so much more enjoyable! We had a great time and it was just the little pick-me-up that I needed.

The funny thing is though... the whole time I was at the concert... all I could think about was this process and all I have been through to get to where I am now. I could relate every song to a different part of the journey. From Tragedy to Heartbeat to One for Sorrow to Last Thing on my Mind to Chain Reaction and finally to Summer of Love and Here and Now.... the words of each song... to me... it was almost like it was telling my story and that got me thinking that maybe I am not as detached from this process as I am trying to tell myself that I am, maybe subconsciously I am using detachment as a way of protecting myself from the pain of the risk of this all going wrong again... maybe, just maybe.......

I know this blog post is a bit scatty and all over the place, but unfortunately... that is exactly how I am feeling right now............ can you imagine how bad it will be in a few days time when I have to triple the hormone doses...???????

Day 4: Stop Fighting This....

Cycle Day 4 and I'm feeling a bit better than I was.

I saw Gordon yesterday evening and the outcome of that appointment was that I need to stop fighting this process..... and I am fighting it, I feel resentful of taking the hormones and medication, I feel resentful of taking folic acid, I feel resentful of having to go for scans and I feel resentful of how crap I am feeling.

Gordon told me yesterday that he believes so much that this is going to happen for me, he told me that he will do everything he can to help and support me, he told me that he will see me as many times a week as I want and that he will travel up to me if I dont feel like travelling to Cork. I was a bit astounded at how much he was willing to do for me, and it got me thinking that if he is prepared to do so much, maybe I need to try and stop feeling so resentful and I need to accept the hand that I have been dealt and play it the best I can.

I was trying to find a way to explain to Gordon why I was feeling the way I am about this transfer process and I came up with an analogy...........

"Imagine if my goal in life was to jump out of an aeroplane and land on my feet, except the last 6 times that I attempted this... the parachute failed and I crashed to the ground, seriously injuring myself every time. Then one day, I get a phone call to say that there is only one thing I can do to give my husband what he wants most in life, and I only have one chance to do it.... and that is to jump out of a plane and land on my feet"

It is no longer my decision, it is no longer something I do because it is what I want to do..... it is now something that I have to do and I'm scared and terrified and absolutely dreading every part of this.

Gordon then said something that immediately interrupted my train of thought and changed how I was thinking about this.

He said...

"There is one difference this time.... this time I am jumping with you.... and I am carrying a spare parachute"


And you know what....... he truly is.

Cycle Day Two

Day 2 and by 11 o'clock this morning, I was already fed up!

I've started the hormones at the lowest doses and am already experiencing that familiar horribleness that I seemed to have let slip my mind. I had forgotten about all the side effects, the pain, the soreness, the bloating, the headaches and the overall feeling just pure crap!

Its only Day 2 and already I hate where this is going. I'm feeling tired and drained and there quite honestly is not one part of me that wants to continue with this. I hate that I have to put myself through all of this, it is such a horrible process. I hate what the medication does to me, I hate the physical effects and I hate the hormonal and emotional rollercoasters that I must ride for the next 12 weeks.

I'm really not looking forward to the next few days when I will have to double and then triple the doses I am taking now.

I'm going to finish this post now, because I am feeling so crap that I am genuinely struggling to find the words to write. I think an early night, a hot water bottle and a mug of steaming green tea is all that is on the cards for me tonight... oh and more hormones of course...!!!

Will write more tomorrow if I'm feeling up to it.......

Back To CFC

So we went back to Cork Fertility Centre on Tuesday. We parked the car across the road and as we walked to the building.. with every step I dreaded entering that building even more. I stopped on the footpath outside the Clinic and told Patrick that there is not one part of me that wants to enter that building. But we did enter the building...

The nurse scanned me and of course it hurt as much as it always did, and they went through the whole protocol once again about what will take place. To be honest, I found the whole thing quite tiresome and irritating. I just did not want to be there.

We then met with one of the Dr's who had some concerns about what has taken place since the transfer last September and what I have been through. Some of the cysts have returned already, but they are microcysts and apparantly should not pose too much of a risk.

We then met with an embryologist from the lab to sign consent forms for the fourth time. I felt that he put a lot of emphasis on the risk of the embryos not surviving the thawing process. Maybe he didnt emphasize it any more than they had before but it just seemed to me that he kept coming back to that point.

Everyone at the Clinic seemed quite surprised that we didnt have any questions about the transfer or the procedure... seriously like... we are pros at this stage!

We are both very numb to this, just going through the motions. Going back for the final transfer should have been our decision to make, but it wasnt... that decision was made for us and this isnt sitting very well with us.

Patrick picked up all the drugs for me today... so much medication, hormones and steroids. I think I am actually resentful that I have to pump all of those into my body again. I feel like I am just finally getting back to myself, all the weight I had put on with IVF Treatment was finally falling off and I was beginning to feel like myself again.

I keep reminding myself of why we are doing this but I genuinely do not have those jittery excited feelings I had every other time. I am now of the opinion that what will be, will be and our contribution to what will be has minimal effect on the outcome.

So basically I am now waiting for my cycle to begin so that I can start taking the hormones.

I will keep you all updated.......

Acupuncture-versary ;-)

On the 15th of June last year, I set foot in Gordon's Clinic for the first time ever. I had just miscarried from the first transfer and was in a pretty bad place within myself. When I first walked into the Clinic, Gordon asked me to wait in his waiting room... I went in there, saw all the pictures on the wall of all the babies that had come into the world after their mothers had attended Gordon's Clinic.
I walked straight out of the waiting room and waited in the lobby, I was in such a bad place within myself that I just could not bear to even look at those pictures.

Gordon and I sat and talked for more than 2 hours that day, and instantly I knew that this was someone who I could trust, I knew that he genuinely wanted to help and he truly believed that he could. From that very first appointment, he told me that I could definitely get pregnant and would be able to carry to full term, and every time that it has gone wrong in the past year... I have asked him if he feels the same way or have his thoughts changed in any way.... his response is always that there is no doubt in his mind that I can go to full term...... and when things have felt really bad and I have been at my lowest points over the past year... hearing that from Gordon has always been enough to pick me up a bit and renew my hope.

I left Gordon's Clinic that day with a sense of hope, something I had not had in a long time. I walked out of the treatment room and straight into the waiting room. I was able to look at the pictures then, accompanied by the knowledge that every baby in that frame had been born to a woman who has been on a journey similar to mine, it was at that point that I knew that someday there will be a picture of my baby in that frame and I still believe that.

I have attended Gordon's Clinic regularly for the past year, but the appointments will become more frequent now as we prepare for the next transfer. He told me this week that we need to give these embryos the best possible chance that we can, so that is what we are going to do. I truly believe that this transfer will be the one that works, but there is part of me that is absolutely terrified that the past will repeat itself. Added to that, the pressure of the knowledge that the results of this transfer will have a huge impact on Patrick... it is not going to be easy.

So..... I dont ask for much... but I'm asking for thoughts and prayers and telepathetic messages and anything else that may help this transfer be 'The One'.  Please, please, please.......

Decisions, Decisions.......

Isn't it funny how we can have our minds so firmly made up and in a split second, everything can change. This time last week, I was adamant that I would not be going back for more fertility treatment, I swore that I would never go through taking all of those drugs and hormones again, that I would never put myself through the pain of a transfer again, not to mention the emotional rollercoaster that begins every time one sets foot in the fertility clinic.

But now... Just 5 days later... I have scheduled all of the scans and appointments for another transfer... I am going to put myself through all of that again, the process and the risks remain the same, and even though I swore that I would never do it again... faced with the results that we got last Friday and everything those results mean... we do what we have to.

We both absolutely hate the thought of going through this again, this is primarily based on our past experiences and knowing what all of those drugs and hormones have done to me in the past, but I suppose the ray of hope comes in the knowledge that my system is clear now and while all the cysts have contributed to miscarriages in the past... those are all gone now and we are assured that my chances of being able to carry to full term have improved dramatically.

So, Ive booked the pre scan for the 27th of June with the hope of transferring on the 3rd or 4th of July.... then its the dreaded two week wait, then test day............. and then, the scariest 4 weeks of my life.

We went to see our GP yesterday and had lots of blood tests done so we should have the results back next Tuesday and hopefully that will shed some light on the rapid rise in IgG levels.

Are You Freaking Kidding Me...???

We went to see Dr Haq in Clonmel on Wednesday as a follow up after my operation and he suggested that Patrick go and have another semen analysis done, just so we can see exactly where we are in order to decide the best course of action from here.
So... On Friday morning Patrick went down to the new Fertility Check Clinic which happens to be right across the road from Gordon's clinic. Dr. Michelle O'Connor is the andrologist there, a lovely lady who agreed to do the test straight away and have the results for us in 30 minutes.

I couldnt understand why, but I was really anxious about getting these test results. I was expecting them to be good as Gordon had put Patrick on lots of supplements back in February to improve his fertility.

Patrick rang me with the results and initially they seemed to have improved significantly, the count and motility had improved and the IgA antibodies (antibodies from infection) had improved unbelievably. It all seemed quite positive until we got the IgG antibodies result and that was 100%,  this has risen from 2% in 2 years. IgG antibodies are antibodies that the body can produce and are commonly known as Anti-Sperm antibodies, and exactly as the name suggests... they are antibodies that surround the sperm and attack them. Michelle explained it to me in terms of when she looks at sperm with no or few IgG antibodies under the microscope, the sperm appears to swim, but sperm with high levels of IgG antibodies appears to vibrate but not progress or move along, as the IgG antibodies have surrounded each sperm and are fighting to destroy them.
So... as you can imagine... this is really really bad news, as if the sperm cannot progress... it certainly cannot fertilise an egg.

I called Michelle, I called Gordon and then I called my G.P. and it became very obvious that the results themselves and what they meant was not our most immediate problem............ usually men who have high levels of IgG antibodies have them because of a childhood illness or injury, but 2 years ago Patrick's IgG levels were normal at just 2%, Last December the DNA Fragmentation of the sperm was 13.2% , again within the normal range............... but now, just 6 months later it has risen to 100%, and this is something that cannot be reversed. The most immediate thing for us now though, is to find out what has caused the levels to rise so high so quickly. My G.P booked both Patrick and myself in for full screening on Monday morning to see if we can figure it out and also to make sure that there is nothing serious going on that has been overlooked.

Isn't life just ridiculously unfair...???  We finally got to a stage where we were certain that all of the issues had been addressed and resolved, we had been assured by several Dr.s that if I were to get pregnant in the next 6 months... I would have a much better chance of carrying to full term... we were ready to start trying again and we were so hopeful and confident.......... and then we get hit with this and find out that things are actually worse than they have ever been, this is something that could not have been foreseen, something that was never even an issue, never even a consideration in our fertility journey and now it has jumped in with two feet and pretty much put a halt to our plans.

We have to find out what has caused this before we can even think of looking at our options for getting pregnant, again, we need to be sure that Patrick is healthy and there is nothing wrong.

It looks though that our only option after that for getting pregnant again... will be more IVF treatment unfortunately, even though I had promised myself that I would never put myself through that again... faced with the prospect of never being able to get pregnant safely again.... I am once again of the mindset that I will do whatever it takes. We have 2 remaining embryos in Cork and I suppose implanting those will be the next step on our fertility journey as at least we know that Patrick's sperm was practically IgG free when they were injected into my eggs 2 years ago. After that... we have a lot of decisions to make and may even have to consider using donor sperm, but either way it means a lot more treatment.......

I suppose we are both in shock, it does feel like everytime we get ahead, something happens that puts us right back where we started and even now... we are in a worse place than we were 2 years ago. It just all seems so terribly unfair.

20,000 Page Views

There are so many things I have in my head that I want to write about... and I will... but this post is purely about reaching the milestone that is achieving 20,000 page views.

I truly cannot believe that there are so many people reading and appreciating this blog, when I write on here... its just my words, my feeling, my thoughts and sometimes just pure ranting and I truly do forget that there are a lot of people out there reading my words and thoughts and feelings.

I remember being hugely surprised when the pageviews had reached 2,000 and at that point I couldnt believe that my words had reached out to so many people. Every day I get messages from people all over the world... sometimes even from people who live in places that I have never even heard of (geography never was my strong point). People who are suffering with infertility and people who are embarking on IVF tell me that they get so much information about what to expect from reading this blog, People who has suffered baby loss tell me that I have managed to put their exact feelings into words and it helps them so much knowing that they are not alone, but most of all... I get messages from people who have no fertility issues and have never suffered the loss of a pregnancy... mostly they stumble upon this blog by complete accident when googling something else... they tell me that reading this blog has opened their eyes up to something they were completely oblivious to, something they have always taken for granted and they tell me that it has made them more aware of what people actually go through and it has made them more sensitive and accepting of people who have been on a similar journey to mine.

This truly makes it all worth while, as while it is difficult enough to go through it all, it is even more difficult to plaster that fake smile on your face and pretend that everything is fine... for the sake of not making other people uncomfortable. I think this blog has made some people more aware and open to talking about fertility issues and baby loss and I truly hope that at some point the whole idea of it being a 'taboo' subject will no longer exist and people will no longer feel that they have to go through this pain alone.

I know there are probably times when I might be a little bit too open about talking about my experiences and everything we have been through, but it has taken me a long time to realise that just because someone asks me how I am, doesnt mean I have to respond with 'I'm fine'. I've also become an expert at knowing when some is asking 'how are you?' just to be polite and when someone genuinely wants to know the answer.


20,000 pageviews truly is an amazing and unbelievable number and I would like to thank everybody who has ever clicked onto this blog. As the pageviews increase, so does my sense of support and not being alone, so thank you so much to every single one of you and I truly hope that in the near future I will be able to write some good news on here for you all to read.


From the bottom of my heart, Thank you all so much for helping me achieve this milestone.xx.

Guinness Book Of Records...???

My babies from the September transfer/October disaster would have been due yesterday and I genuinely thought I was doing ok about it. I did get a bit upset yesterday but wasnt anywhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be............... Until today.............

I bounced into Gordon's Clinic today, feeling really good, the sun was shining and I was really looking forward to the appointment. Gordon commented that he felt I was finally back to myself and said he was really proud of me for getting there. I then told him of the significance of yesterday and how I was doing surprisingly well about it... but it was at this point I found myself unable to make eye contact with him. It was only then that I realised that I really, really wasnt doing so well about it... and I knew that he could see it. It didnt take me long to get to the point of being so choked up I was unable to speak, I have no idea how long I lay there in silence, but at some point Gordon put three needles in my right wrist and forearm, he later informed me that these points are for grief and loss. I eventually began to open up and talk about what I was feeling, although I'm not entirely certain he heard most of what I was saying as I was crying a lot, not openly crying but crying from deep inside me, crying that kept getting caught in my throat and the tears just freely flowed.

I really don't know how long I was lying there, at some point Gordon left the room, when he returned we talked some more about what was going on and I made the comment jokingly that I should probably contact the Guinness Book of Records because I bet there aren't too many people who have lost six babies in the space of nine months.... I then made the comment that most women get to hold one baby inside them for the whole nine months... and of course that set me off again.

Gordon talked about how we are closer to reaching the point of carrying a pregnancy to full term than we ever have been, he said we are just one step away, he said that we have never had the answers that we have now and he reminded me of the progress we have made in the past 11 months.... from dealing with Clinical Intervention and frozen embryos to actually managing to get pregnant naturally, he told me that is a huge step and reminded me that being able to make that amount of progress while going through everything we have been through in that time is just amazing. Of course he is right (but don't tell him I said that ;-) ), we are more informed than we have ever been and the progress has been phenomenol.

At the end of the session, he reminded me of a promise he had made to me a long time ago, he said that he truly believes that I can and will have a healthy pregnancy and carry my baby to full term and he promised me that he would do everything in his power to help me achieve this. He also told me that he would never stop wanting to help me for as long as I was on this journey because that is how strong his belief is that I can have a healthy pregnancy and have a healthy baby at the end of the pregnancy.

I left there feeling a bit confused about how I was feeling and how quickly he was able to bring out my true feelings, I think he sprinkles the room with truth serum or something before I arrive because I never leave there with any feelings hidden and I always do feel better afterwards, usually straight away but I think I need to take a few days this time and allow myself to grieve for those two little angels, one which I lost to ectopic pregnancy and the other which I had to terminate two days later with low dose chemotherapy. I also need to get my head around the thought that this really is the end of an era, the IVF era of our lives. The transfer of those embryos was the last time we set foot inside the Fertility Clinic and now it truly feels like we can close that chapter in our lives. He has asked me to email him on Monday and let him know how I am doing then.

We are going to do this naturally, Gordon believes we can, we believe we can... so the only thing left to do is get fully better and then do it (no pun intended) !