The only way I can describe how I felt leaving Gordon's clinic yesterday is the exact same relief that I have felt when I have been in really bad physical pain and it gets to the point where I just cant take it anymore and I go to the Dr and get a pain-killing injection and I feel that instant sense of relief, its almost a feeling of 'fuzziness', a feeling of being able to comfortably breath, that wonderful feeling of no longer being in pain. That wonderful sense of relief.
Things were just so much brighter today. I didnt sleep well last night, I tossed and turned most of the night because even though I couldnt remember all of the emotions I had gone through when I wrote on here last night, as soon as I lay down in bed.... each emotion came back to me in turn, provoking thought and killing sleep.
Even sleep deprived... today was so much better than every previous day since this cycle began.
Patrick only read last night's blog post a few minutes ago... and when he had finished reading it he asked "Do you actually feel better after writing all of that?"
I responded that I did, I really did.
Unfortunately, reading all of that has had the opposite effect on him and he is now experiencing all of the feelings of anger that he had experienced back then. He describes the experience as barbaric and inhumane. I have suggested to him that maybe he needs to find a way to release all of those emotions because I believe that, like me, it is possibly holding him back from moving forward.
I have received a lot of messages in the past 24 hours, some suggesting I should be contacting a lawyer, others expressing disgust at what I was put through, I received some messages congratulating me on finally releasing all of the pain I had been hanging on to, but the messages that had the biggest effect on me... were messages of hope, and I received a lot of those.
My own thinking and attitude has completely changed now too, the change is phenomenol.
A good friend of mine told me today that she is expecting and she had been hiding it from me, but felt that she couldnt hide it anymore. I get the feeling she was expecting me to push her away and perhaps I would have done that if she had broken the news to me 24 hours earlier when I was in such a bad place..... but today... my response....
"Oh fantastic..... I'll only be 5 months behind you"
And you know what...... I will be........
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