Day 4: Stop Fighting This....

Cycle Day 4 and I'm feeling a bit better than I was.

I saw Gordon yesterday evening and the outcome of that appointment was that I need to stop fighting this process..... and I am fighting it, I feel resentful of taking the hormones and medication, I feel resentful of taking folic acid, I feel resentful of having to go for scans and I feel resentful of how crap I am feeling.

Gordon told me yesterday that he believes so much that this is going to happen for me, he told me that he will do everything he can to help and support me, he told me that he will see me as many times a week as I want and that he will travel up to me if I dont feel like travelling to Cork. I was a bit astounded at how much he was willing to do for me, and it got me thinking that if he is prepared to do so much, maybe I need to try and stop feeling so resentful and I need to accept the hand that I have been dealt and play it the best I can.

I was trying to find a way to explain to Gordon why I was feeling the way I am about this transfer process and I came up with an analogy...........

"Imagine if my goal in life was to jump out of an aeroplane and land on my feet, except the last 6 times that I attempted this... the parachute failed and I crashed to the ground, seriously injuring myself every time. Then one day, I get a phone call to say that there is only one thing I can do to give my husband what he wants most in life, and I only have one chance to do it.... and that is to jump out of a plane and land on my feet"

It is no longer my decision, it is no longer something I do because it is what I want to do..... it is now something that I have to do and I'm scared and terrified and absolutely dreading every part of this.

Gordon then said something that immediately interrupted my train of thought and changed how I was thinking about this.

He said...

"There is one difference this time.... this time I am jumping with you.... and I am carrying a spare parachute"


And you know what....... he truly is.