The strangest thing happened to me on Thursday evening. I got home from work and was feeling fine, but withing 30 minutes of getting home... I began to feel really really odd, after about another hour I was feeling really ill. I put this down to the fact that Patrick had been ill all day and figured I had judt picked up whatever he had, but after about another 30 minutes... I was almost completely incapacitated... everything hurt, every muscle in my body was actually aching, even swallowing my own saliva was agony, my glands were swollen, I had fever and chills and felt like it was agony to even try and move. I fell asleep for about 40 minutes but didnt feel any differently when I woke up, I was really hot but freezing cold at the same time, it was so odd. But stranger than how fast this came on, was how quickly it just went away. It lasted almost exactly 6 hours and they by about 2am... I was feeling fine again.
I went to see Gordon yesterday morning and I told him what had happened. Since Thursday night, I have been feeling really drained and lethargic and just really sleepy. Gordon hinted that it might have something to do with the fact that I have been working 70-80 hour weeks for the past 8 weeks and have pretty much ignored any advice to slow down a bit. So, I have come to the conclusion that Thursday night's episode was a warning from my body to just slow down a bit and to start really looking after myself.
Today is Day 7 and I have had to double the hormone doses today... which hasnt helped my energy levels. I've been feeling proper odd all day, lots of ovary pain, so lethargic and just no drive to do anythying. I go back to the clinic on Wednesday morning and hopefully by then they will be able to give me a date for transfer.
I am really finding this cycle really odd, I am finding myself physically unable and unwilling to engage in the process, I don't really even feel like talking about it. Gordon keeps asking me how I am feeling about it and in all honesty... I have no idea how to answer him. I don't know how I am feeling about it... it is all just kinda happening.
I know I am being a bit hormonal and probably a bit snappy, it is completely unintentional and I have myself convinced that it is nothing to do with the amount of hormones I am taking... but instead that people in general have conspired to just be really annoying around me lately...... (yep, that is how in denial I actually am...!!!)
Even though I have recently lost a lot of weight, I am feeling bloated and horrible... 3 wardrobes full of clothes and nothing that fits (or more accurately.... nothing that I want to wear) .... Its like PMS x 4...!!!
Gordon used some new points yesterday, detox points... one in each foot, one in my right wrist and one in the back of my left hand. He warned me that I might find these points tough and I suppose I didnt fully understand what he meant..... usually when he says that I end up in floods of tears five minutes later. It is today that I am finding those points tough... I slept til noon... something I can never remember doing before (I am usually a very early riser), I reluctantly went to town for an hour and came home and just wanted to sleep again.
I know I really need to start listening to my body and paying attention to the signs my body is giving me, and I will do this... I have to do this because in less than 10 days time... I will be pregnant and no amount of detachment from the process can change that fact.
I went to see Steps in Cork last night with Rachel, and while it was cheesy out... it was just so much fun... and I'm not a bit embarrassed to admit that knowing every word of every song made it so much more enjoyable! We had a great time and it was just the little pick-me-up that I needed.
The funny thing is though... the whole time I was at the concert... all I could think about was this process and all I have been through to get to where I am now. I could relate every song to a different part of the journey. From Tragedy to Heartbeat to One for Sorrow to Last Thing on my Mind to Chain Reaction and finally to Summer of Love and Here and Now.... the words of each song... to me... it was almost like it was telling my story and that got me thinking that maybe I am not as detached from this process as I am trying to tell myself that I am, maybe subconsciously I am using detachment as a way of protecting myself from the pain of the risk of this all going wrong again... maybe, just maybe.......
I know this blog post is a bit scatty and all over the place, but unfortunately... that is exactly how I am feeling right now............ can you imagine how bad it will be in a few days time when I have to triple the hormone doses...???????
Woah, I know the crazy emotions and weird feelings that these hormones can give. It seems wrong that we would do this to ourselves! My hubby is very concerned about the side effects of the hormones because they can lead to some pretty depressive behaviour. Anyway, I'm glad you have started to try to listen to your body's needs and hopefully slow down a little bit. It's all temporary. I wish you all the best for the next upping of your dosage!
ReplyDeleteThanks Ali, I do feel all weird and keep having to question whether how I am feeling is how I am actually feeling or is it down to the hormones. I am getting the feelings of being down without fully understanding why... its all just so much. Great to have the support of others who are going through the same thing or have been through it though.xx.
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