Time Is A Great Healer

Patrick and I went to Limerick on Sunday to do some Christmas shopping, we had a lovely day out and got everything that we wanted to get... a successful day shopping-wise, but an even more successful day in another way......

We went into a shop to get a gift for Patrick's niece who is just three months old, and it was only when we were stading in the queue for what seemd like forever, that I realised what shop I was in and the impact that shops like that used to have on me. We were standing in the queue in Mothercare, surrounded by pregnancy and baby related items and pregnant women and couples with new babies, It should have been an absolute nightmare, but it wasnt, it was actually fine (well, apart from the fact that it took forever to actually get served). I was even comfortable enough to look around that shop, to admire a beautiful nursery set... the one that I know I will just have to have when the time comes.

Time really does heal all wounds, I'm finding myself being genuinely happy for my friends who have recently told me that they are pregnant, and I mean genuinely  happy, not feigned 'happiness' tainted with the usual tinge of sadness or regret that it should be me, just really happy for them and looking forward to sharing this journey with them.

I have come to realise that I can't make this happen for me, on my schedule, I also realise that I am in no great hurry for this to happen, its not like I am 38 and am running out of time, I am 28 and I have time.

We jumped into the ICSI/IVF process when I was just 25 and at that point I wanted it to happen and I wanted it to happen NOW, I never for a second thought that it wouldnt work out, never mind remotely imagined that what actually happened would have been the outcome.  So... the realisation that I actually have time and dont have to rush this process, is quite a welcome one.

We went to visit the Kilkenny Fertility Clinic and the Dr. we met there... well.... she kinda made me panic about how much time I have left to embark on this journey, as in... she made me feel like I was running out of time and needed to act on this quite quickly. I brought this notion to Gordon and his response..... 'Anne-Marie, 90% of the women who attend my clinic would pull both of their arms off to be where you are timewise' , so that was enough to put my mind at ease regarding time.

We have been to have some more tests done, at the request of the Dr. in Kilkenny, one test in particular, a chromosome test which should have been done before we ever started any IVF treatment, will reveal whether I am actually able to carry a pregnancy past 8 weeks. There may be a chromosomal issue which would most likely put an end to our fertility journey, so we are waiting for the results of these tests to come back before we even begin to think about where we might go from here.

There's been a few setbacks over the past few weeks, with notes being misplaced and bloods being mixed up and that kind of thing, but I've made a conscious decision to laugh these things off, because there are just more important things in life that warrant getting stressed and upset over, than basic human error.

I guess my thinking has shifted a bit, and I'm attributing this to something a very good friend of mine said to me while I was doing my whole 'While adoption is an option, I'm not ready to give up on carrying my own baby' speech. She asked me which was more important... to carry a child for 9 months, or have one for the rest of my life? It really got me thinking, and while I still feel that I am not ready to give up on the whole trying to get pregnant thing..... it has become less of the focus now, and I do realise that there are other options available to us.

That is pretty much everything that has been going on with me lately, and I'll post again when I find out the results of the tests.

.xx.