At work... Christmas is huge, we pull out all of the stops to make Christmas so special for every single child and their families and I love that, I really really do, its all so special and so perfect and it makes me think about how we will do Christmas in our house when we have kids......
I was doing quite well on Christmas Eve, got through it without getting too upset, well except a little bit when I was chatting to one of my best friends and I made a promise to myself that this would be the last year that there are no children in our house for Christmas.
Christmas Day.......... well..... that was a different story. I woke up and was feeling ok........ and then I logged into Facebook....... BIG MISTAKE...!!!!!!! Every post on there was about all my friends and the wonderful time they were having with their kids, how much fun they were having with what Santa brought...... most of them accompanied by beautiful photographs of beaming children.
The tears started and I actually felt my heart crumbling in my chest.... and it hurt, it physically hurt.
I cried and cried for ages, sobbing uncontrollably. It is just so terribly unfair. I wanted to go back to bed and stay there til all of the merriment had passed, I felt like a proper Scrooge... and actually I guess I really did feel like a proper Scrooge..... I started to think about how much I used to love Christmas and how I'd have the tree and the decorations taken down from the attic in November some time and how Patrick and I would argue about when was too early to put them up and how much was 'too much', and how I used to hate having to take down the tree and the decorations............ then I got to thinking about how different things are now and how much I absolutely hate Christmas Day, and how we havent even put up a tree for the past two years because it was just too hard for us to face even doing that much................ then I began to think about the promise I had made to myself the night before.. that this would be the absolute last Christmas without a child in our house, and I began to think about how future Christmasses might be, but I couldnt allow my mind to wander too far in that direction, I think I was subconsciously protecting myself from creating a false sense of hope (I am the absolute master of thinking that if I say something and create an ultimatum for myself, well then it has to happen). Life has most certainly taught me that this is not the case...!!!
I then logged into Twitter, where I follow and am followed-by a lot of fertility related people and companies, one in particular had simply tweeted 'so, anyone else finding today really really difficult?', I responded to her saying that it was one of the hardest days ever for me and I'd spent most of the morning crying. We chatted a bit back and forth and that support was really great, knowing that other people were feeling exactly how I was feeling, they understood because they are in the exact same situation as I am in. So yeah.... Christmas was hard...!!!!!!!
As we approach New Year's Eve, I think back on the events of the year and how this time last year I said that things just could not be worse in 2012 than they had been in 2011. For once I was right, things certainly were not as bad in 2012 as they were in 2011.... that's not really to say that things were very good in 2012... just not as bad as the previous year.
What 2012 held for us..... A fantastic holiday to Florida... from which I returned home pregnant (naturally)..... an ectopic pregnancy which resulted in extensive ovarian surgery... from which I am still suffering pain, we received results that the condition of Patrick's sperm has gotten so much worse that it is at the worst that it could possibly be and there is no hope of reversing this condition, we went ahead with a double transfer which resulted in a double miscarriage, I suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns which will leave me scarred for life, I am having ongoing problems with cysts and ovarian pain.
What 2013 holds for us...... Another fantastic holiday to Florida, on which I am planning on having the time of my life. We are still awaiting results from The Kilkenny Clinic, which will tell us what options (if any) that we have going forward, We have been looking into fostering and adoption and depending on the results from The Kilkenny Clinic... those might be on the cards for us much sooner than we had expected. And really... well, I have no idea what else 2013 might hold for us.
Apart from my very good friends Rachel and Mary, and the online support I have received which has just been overwhelming, I cannot finish this end-of-year post without mentionning the person who has been most instrumental in keeping me sane over the past 12 months, and that person is Gordon, my acupuncturist. When I think of how many times during this year that I have called or emailled him and told him that I'm not in a good 'place', and his response has always been 'come down, we'll fix it', and you know what.... he has fixed it, every single time, The emails I've sent him ranting and raving and well, just venting about how much I hate the world and how everything just isn't fair and well... basically me being hormonal and irrational and I have never once gotten a response from him that didn't make me feel better, The two occasions that he travelled up here to treat me when I was post-op and couldn't travel to Cork for treatment, The phone calls between him and Patrick when they have been concerned about how I am doing. I have had a rough year both physically and emotionally, and I genuinely believe that I have gotten through it in the way that I have because of this support and moreso the availability of this support. I believe that angels walk this Earth and I am convinced that one operates from the Aculife Clinic in Cork, in the form of Gordon Mullins.
To Rachel, to Mary, to Gordon, to all my online supporters, to everyone who reads this blog, to all my facebook and twitter friends who keep up-to-date with how we are doing, to everyone who has ever taken one second to hope or pray that this will happen for us and to everybody out there who is on a similar journey to us........ Thank you all so much for you support, wishes, prayers, mesages..... just thank you for being there.
A lot of people expect 2013 to be a year of bad luck... but its gotta be the opposite for us.... right???????
Happy New Year Everyone xx
someone in Texas loves you too. miss my imaginary friend
ReplyDeleteThis made me smile, some great memories from my time in Texas, all smile-worthy, some very very good times. Thank you xx
ReplyDeleteanne marie 2013 will be a good year for you and I, I can just feel it, it will all work out. you inspire me and others with your blog xx
ReplyDeleteIt will be hun, it has to be our year... it just has to be...!!! Coffee soon...???
DeleteI actually came across your blog yesterday.... its very good. Thank you xx
ReplyDeleteDoes this gordan take on people by just calling or does it have to be a gp referral or something. Is he taking on new people at the minute or is there a waiting list. How can I contact him?
ReplyDeleteHi Maria, You can just call or email Gordon, he may not answer the phone as he might be in Clinic, but he will call you back and will have a chat with you about your situation and stuff like that. As far as I know he is taking on new people, he is always happy to help and as far as having to wait.... I've been seeing him for 18 months and I have never had to wait more than a week for an appointment. All his details are on www.aculife.ie or you can email him at gordon@aculife.ie. Contact him.... it will be the best thing you will ever do.xx.
ReplyDeleteI used ta see Gordan but found it was hard ta contact him a lot of the time. I only had 2 sessions with him nd they were fine but nw I see a guy calld Pierce Hennessey near Middleton nd I find him very good. accupuncture is really good when you find the right person ta do it. id defenately shop around before just deciding on 1.
ReplyDeletei stopped seeing him too for the same exact reason he was great while we were in a session but no chance of getting a response outside of then we found that really annoying so just didnt bother contacting him for another appointment I got pregnant anyway and now have a beautiful baby son accupuncture can be really great but just make sure you find the right accupuncturist theyre are loads of them out there best of luck on your journey
ReplyDeleteI do remember a time when I felt it was difficult to get a response when I called Gordon.... so I emailled him directly to know what was going on, he looked into it and discovered that there was some problem with the call centre he was using and he actually wasnt getting the messages, so couldn't return the calls... through no fault of his. I think its a pity that you both stopped seeing Gordon because of that as you both seem quite happy with what took place during your acupuncture sessions with him. 'Anonymous', I have heard about Pierce from Gordon, he talks very highly of him, I'm glad you have found someone else to help you and I hope you do get to hold your bundle of joy really soon. 'Georgina', how fantastic you now have a son, well done you, you don't give details of your journey, but I can only imagine that if you are reading this blog and you attended Gordon's clinic for acupuncture.... it can't have been an easy one. It's always fantastic to hear about someone who got through their fertility struggle and came out the other side holding their beautiful baby.xx.
ReplyDeleteWel that mite explain it but even so he should of contacted all of his patients to let them know that hed had problems with the call center then and wasnt just not returnin theyre calls infertility is such a sensitive thing and its about time that the people we pay thousands of our hard earned or borrowed cash to help us start being more compassionnate infertility is a 24 7 problem not a 60 mins every 2 weeks problem
ReplyDeleteI'd have to agree with you that fertility is an all-the-time problem and I also struggled with the lack of empathy and compassion that we received at the Fertility Clinic. I have several times referred to it as 'The fertility factory' for that exact reason. It feels like you're put on a conveyor belt and you really have no control over where you end up.
ReplyDeleteI don't know your story, but I know that I have found it very difficult to live with 'infertility' hanging over my head all the time and still be expected to get on with a 'normal' life. I've found that I have had to create a support network for myself..... be that a combination of friends, colleagues, family members, blog readers, online strangers who are going through something similar, writing on my blog.... and yes, acupuncture, my GP and even in some small way.... the fertility clinic. The thing is though.... no single one of these people can provide support 24/7 and I found that there were times when I had to learn how to support myself and how to get myself through the really bad days.
Acupuncture is fantastic (I was as sceptical as they come about it before I tried it) and yes, it is difficult that you can't always have treatment on the day that you're at your lowest or whatever, but I've found that you can make the most of your weekly/fortnightly session and that it really can help you to be strong enough to deal with the bad times even when you are on your own.
I think a common feeling among women who have fertility issues is the feeling of being alone, of having no-one that understands and I know I felt that way until I met Gordon and started having acupuncture regularly. I then learned that he understood..... and the fact that his Clinic is quite busy... means that there are a lot of women in the area who do understand because they are going through it.... which then led to thoughts of how many people all over the world understand because they are going through it. If you go looking... you will find thousands of people who understand, people who are wanting to listen and to help eachother.... because they have been there.
It is also very easy for us to look for someone to 'blame' when things don't go exactly as we would like them to, but sometimes it helps to take a step back and look at the bigger picture and figure out what really matters and what is causing us unnecessary stress and really doesn't matter at all in the great scheme of things.
Gosh, sorry.... I know I went on a bit there, but I hope at least some of what I've said might make sense.xx.
wel your good at this are you a councillor or something id love to chat with you sometime
ReplyDeleteLol, something like that. You can PM me or email me and I'd be happy to chat with you.
ReplyDeleteTake care of you and your beautiful son.
Look forward to hearing from you,
Anne-Marie xx
Aw my dear sweet Ami, this is just you down to the ground. even when your going thru a crap time your always reaching out to help someone else. you really do have a heart of gold. We'll all be including you in our prayers and praying that 2013 will be the year that you get to hold your baby, if anyone deserves that, YOU DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteLove from Texas xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Love to Patrick and that sweet sweet puppy of yours
I have a few qs for those of you who have had accupuncture. Do the needles hurt? I am terrified of needles, how long does a session last?, is it expensive?, how often would I have to go? where do the needles get put in? Are there any risks? Is there like a treatment plan or is it just depending on whats going on per session? do I have to wear anything specific? how intrusive is it? and the ultimate question does it really work? I'd really appreciate any info at all, am really wanting to go but I'm a real chicken when it comes to needles!
ReplyDeleteHi honey I duno what its like in Eire but I have accupuncture here in the US and I luv it. each appointment lasts about 20-25 mins and the needles can be put anywhere but mostly in my back or hands and sometimes in my feet. they do hurt but just for a sec when there going in and then you don't feel it anymore. a session here costs me $75 which I know is steep but I only go once a month and it is worth it. you should check if you can claim it back on your PMI if you have some. hope this was helpful.
ReplyDeleteLove this blog btw, I been following it for bout a year now and I have to say it is the most honest and deep blog that I have ever read. Its such raw feelings and emotions and I thank you for being brave enough to share those with the world. You are an inspiration to the world and your baby is going to be the luckiest child in the world to have you for a Mom.
Sending Prayers from Nevada
Jilly