Guinness Book Of Records...???

My babies from the September transfer/October disaster would have been due yesterday and I genuinely thought I was doing ok about it. I did get a bit upset yesterday but wasnt anywhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be............... Until today.............

I bounced into Gordon's Clinic today, feeling really good, the sun was shining and I was really looking forward to the appointment. Gordon commented that he felt I was finally back to myself and said he was really proud of me for getting there. I then told him of the significance of yesterday and how I was doing surprisingly well about it... but it was at this point I found myself unable to make eye contact with him. It was only then that I realised that I really, really wasnt doing so well about it... and I knew that he could see it. It didnt take me long to get to the point of being so choked up I was unable to speak, I have no idea how long I lay there in silence, but at some point Gordon put three needles in my right wrist and forearm, he later informed me that these points are for grief and loss. I eventually began to open up and talk about what I was feeling, although I'm not entirely certain he heard most of what I was saying as I was crying a lot, not openly crying but crying from deep inside me, crying that kept getting caught in my throat and the tears just freely flowed.

I really don't know how long I was lying there, at some point Gordon left the room, when he returned we talked some more about what was going on and I made the comment jokingly that I should probably contact the Guinness Book of Records because I bet there aren't too many people who have lost six babies in the space of nine months.... I then made the comment that most women get to hold one baby inside them for the whole nine months... and of course that set me off again.

Gordon talked about how we are closer to reaching the point of carrying a pregnancy to full term than we ever have been, he said we are just one step away, he said that we have never had the answers that we have now and he reminded me of the progress we have made in the past 11 months.... from dealing with Clinical Intervention and frozen embryos to actually managing to get pregnant naturally, he told me that is a huge step and reminded me that being able to make that amount of progress while going through everything we have been through in that time is just amazing. Of course he is right (but don't tell him I said that ;-) ), we are more informed than we have ever been and the progress has been phenomenol.

At the end of the session, he reminded me of a promise he had made to me a long time ago, he said that he truly believes that I can and will have a healthy pregnancy and carry my baby to full term and he promised me that he would do everything in his power to help me achieve this. He also told me that he would never stop wanting to help me for as long as I was on this journey because that is how strong his belief is that I can have a healthy pregnancy and have a healthy baby at the end of the pregnancy.

I left there feeling a bit confused about how I was feeling and how quickly he was able to bring out my true feelings, I think he sprinkles the room with truth serum or something before I arrive because I never leave there with any feelings hidden and I always do feel better afterwards, usually straight away but I think I need to take a few days this time and allow myself to grieve for those two little angels, one which I lost to ectopic pregnancy and the other which I had to terminate two days later with low dose chemotherapy. I also need to get my head around the thought that this really is the end of an era, the IVF era of our lives. The transfer of those embryos was the last time we set foot inside the Fertility Clinic and now it truly feels like we can close that chapter in our lives. He has asked me to email him on Monday and let him know how I am doing then.

We are going to do this naturally, Gordon believes we can, we believe we can... so the only thing left to do is get fully better and then do it (no pun intended) !