Tomorrow Will Be Better.......

Just when I thought I was turning a corner....... I've been back to work five days now, have met lots of people and have even met three beautiful new babies and somehow managed to hold it all together, but tonight... tonight, I am once again taken by surprise at how quickly and suddenly this grief can strike. I would think by now that I would be used to this, that I would be ready for it whenever it was to strike, but I wasnt and I now truly believe that nobody could ever possibly be ready for this.

It feels almost like a combination of pain, exhaustion and introvertness, except I can block out the pain (except for when it is really bad) and I can handle the tiredness. I am though, unable to vocalise what is going on in my head and in my heart.
Patrick knows I'm feeling 'off-form' tonight, he threads carefully as he is not quite sure what is wrong. What follows is five questions.....

"Are you tired?"                                               "No"
"Are you in a lot of pain?"                               "No"
"Are you upset?"                                               No response
"Do you want to talk?"                                     I shook my head
"Will I just leave you alone?"                           I nod

Its really odd, because the last thing I wanted was to be left alone, in fact I wanted him to hold me and tell me that he just knew, and I wanted to cry, I really really wanted to cry... but... he left me alone...why?... because I told him to. In my head, I am then annoyed with him because he left me alone when I am feeling like this even though I know that he is probably as lost as I am right now and he just doesnt know what to do. Also... he has assured me on several occassions that he is actually not a mind reader...!!!

It is all just so strange, because we have been through this so many times and each time we are taken by surprise. When I think of 'Trauma', I think of what other people go through, never what I have been through. But the reality is that I have been through more trauma in the past 5 years, and more predominantly the last two and a half years, than most people will experience in their lifetimes, and unfortunately that takes a toll. It changes how you see things, it prevents you from truly looking forward to a time when things are better and you finally achieve what you have been fighting for.

I have become an expert at 'misleading' people in this regard, I can now quite easily spout off a whole speech about how we can look forward now and close the book on what has happened, we have some answers now and we have a plan and its all great...... we do have answers now, but there is no plan, I am not able to look forward to a 'happier' time, because I am stuck in right now and right now sucks!

When I was with Gordon last Wednesday, he asked me about something I had written in my blog a little while ago. I wrote that when I read back through this blog, it is almost like reading someone else's story. I was attributing this to the medication I was on, but Gordon offered a theory that perhaps it was my mind protecting me from the memory of the trauma I have been through and in a way has blocked it out. This actually makes more sense than my theory, although I imagine it was a combination of both.
When I think about the egg collection procedure and the transfer procedures, it is almost like I am standing in the corner of the room watching what is happening, similar to how we see things in dreams. I do remember everything that has happened and everything that we have been through, but I remember it as if I was watching it happen to someone else. I guess in a sense, I have detached myself from the process and perhaps that is just my way of coping with it.

Writing on this blog is my channel for release, it is where I can be totally honest about what I am feeling and what is really going on within me, and I am especially appreciative of this mode of release at times such as tonight when I have reached the stage where I am beyond the ability to put my thoughts into spoken words. I know I could talk to Patrick, or I could pick up the phone and call a friend, but when I think about doing this... I never know what I will say.......... when I start typing on here... the words just flow and very often when I get to the end of writing a blog post, I have to read back over it because I get so lost in writing.... I dont fully know exactly what I have written.

Once again, I am left reminding myself that it is just a bad evening and maybe tomorrow will be better...... Hopefully tomorrow will be better.......