Some Lovely Poems...Really Says It All.xx.

A friend sent me these this morning and I just wanted to share...

Angel of my Tears

How do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there's nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life

and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it's done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
~Author Unknown.

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here.

He took a breath

and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but I got chosen by dear God and
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
before I was set free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.

2011.......

This time last year, after what I thought was the worst year ever...I put the folllowing as my Facebook status...

"For the past 2 years on New Year's Eve, I have said the next year just has to be better than

the last...........I was wrong both times.... so 2011..........do your worst, I'm ready for ya...!!!"

Boy.....was I wrong...!!!

2011 has been a year of loss, of illness, of grief, of despair, of heartbreak. It's been 12 months of tragic occurances, each one more soul destroying than the last.

As we see out the end of 2011, we find ourselves in a Limbo of sorts. We both still want children so badly, but we are both so painfully aware of the fact that no matter which road we take on the journey from here to parenthood....it is not going to be easy, and we know that we risk enduring more of the same in the process.

The pain and grief of losing seven babies, and more prominently the five that we have lost in 2011, will always be there, but it seems to have become something that words cannot do justice to anymore. It's like it's just there, it's always there and we know it is. It has become a part of who we are and when we see new babies or pregnant women, or when we see storylines on TV about characters losing babies....... I shed silent tears which run down my face and Patrick goes quiet and picks at the skin on his hands. We don't vocalise how much it hurts anymore...because we don't need to...we both know and we both know that words could never describe that pain.

And when that moment has passed and my tears have fallen and Patrick has picked that piece of skin off his hands...we share a glance and we take eachother's hand... because....... we just know.

For 2012... we haven't made any plans (apart from a fabulous trip to Florida and a Caribbean cruise), we are not able to plan forward anymore so when we get back from our holiday...we are going to take things day by day and just see what happens.

So...whether you spend the last minutes of 2011 in a crowded pub, or just with close friends or family, or perhaps just with one special person, I hope you take a moment to accept a heartfelt 'Thank you' from me, because although I may not know you and we may never have met...the fact that you are reading this makes you one of the positive aspects of my 2011.

Have a Wonderful New Year's Eve and all the very best for 2012.xx.

(Oh...and if 2011 has taught me anything.....it's never EVER challenge destiny.......

That bitch takes no prisoners...!!!)

Merry Christmas (Well...Kinda...!!!)

So...the Christmas Eve madness seems to have settled a bit (Thank God), all the presents are wrapped and ready and my final task for this evening was to post a Merry Christmas message to everyone who reads this blog.

I kinda felt that I would just post a brief feel-good message so as not to dampen the generic 'good spirits' of the season, but I have just been reminded of the original purpose an reason for starting this blog in the first place...to be true to myself and express truthfully, honestly and openly how things really are...and if truth be told.......... I usually absolutely love Christmas and everything that comes with it...but this year.... I am hating every second of it because every little thing reminds me of the hell that this year has been and how it all should be so different.

Christmas shopping (anyone who knows me...knows that I live for shopping...!!!)...but this year...all I saw was people yelling at their kids, stressed out parents getting cross with their kids for being too excited while they rush around the shopping centre trying to pick up the last minute must-haves, people dragging their kids through grocery stores, Families queuing impatiently at Santa grottos and then aggrevated parents getting annoyed with their little ones because after they have queued for so long, the little darlings decide that they were actually afraid of the man in red and didnt want to go and see him after all.
Two weeks ago we went shopping in the Crescent Shopping Centre in Limerick and after an hour, I told Patrick that I just wanted to go home. I didnt see the joy in Christmas shopping and choosing gifts for people this year (I'm not saying it wasnt there...just I was unable to see it), I couldnt enjoy it, it was a chore...something I had to do rather than something I wanted to do.

Christmas decorations.....well Patrick took them down from the attic at the beginning of December...and well...they are still in boxes...I just havent been able to bring myself to put them up, I'm not really sure why...but something stops me everytime I think about doing it.
Again...decorating the house is something that I usually love to do, something I look forward to doing and I usually hate when January arrives and it is time to take down the decorations...but this year...again, it seems like a chore and I just cannot bring myself to open those boxes and decorate the house.

We went shopping this morning with the intent of me picking something that I want for Christmas from Patrick. I usually have a list of things that I want...but this year...it wasnt that I couldnt think of something that I wanted...I genuinely did not want anything. Everything just seemed so material to me.
Patrick pointed out lots of nice sparkly things...things that I usually would have just had to have...but today...I just felt like...yes, those are very pretty and yes, they will make me happy for about 5 minutes...but then the initial feeling is gone and they will just be yet another material thing that will, in truth, mean nothing in the greater scheme of things.

I know I'm sounding like a proper Grinch now, but I just cannot bring myself to get into the spirit of joy and happiness this year and this is both brought on and compounded by one main contributing factor;
I thought I was doing really well...and finally starting to cope with all that has happened but there was one factor that I didnt really ever consider...On the three occassions this year that I have been pregnant...I shared similar due-dates with several people that I know... friends, people I know through work...etc... even though I see these people on a weekly basis and have seen their pregnancies grow and develop...I guess it kinda slipped my mind that they will have their babies to hold at the end of their pregnancies.
According to my iphone app (which has recently started giving me weekly updates on how my 'pregnancy' is progressing...!!!)... from my April transfer...I would now be just over 36 weeks pregnant... I know 4 people who got pregnant right around the same time as I did then... two of those people have had their babies in the past week and the other two are due very very shortly..................and it is absolutely killing me!
I am so happy for them, but gosh...it is so difficult for me...I find myself fighting tears a lot recently and you know what...it isnt jealousy or envy or even me feeling sorry for myself...its just pure raw grief and emotion and trying to make sense of it all, and I know that I will continue to experience these feelings until the 16th of January (actual due date) and again in April and May when the babies from my second and third transfers would have been due, but I guess we will just cross that bridge when we come to it.

For now...I hope everyone does have a wonderful Christmas and I hope that reading this has not brought anyone down but instead has caused you, if just for a second...to cast a thought of appreciation for all the wonderful things you do have in life. Even though I do not have what I really really want, and even though I am finding this time of year very tough this year... I am very grateful for all my wonderful friends, for my family and for all the people who will read this post and just understand.

Merry Christmas Everyone.xx.

A Brief Update

A comment was made to me today " Your business is your baby", and this has really got me thinking, like its thrown my mind into severe overdrive. The comment wasnt made to be nasty or cause hurt (and I'm sure the person who said it was probably regretting their choice of words as soon as they had said it), it was meant to indicate an understanding of how much work I had put into building up my business and how I would never let anything happen to it.

It has sent my mind spinning off in the direction of wondering if, once again, I am using work and my 'business' as a distraction and to compensate for other things. It does tend to be the constant in my ever-changing and ever more-challenging world.

My Grandmother passed away a week ago, and was buried last Friday. An inspirational woman who lived an inspirational life of 92 years. She didnt have an easy life and had to bear the loss of many family members including her husband and her two sons, one of whom was my Dad who died shortly after my 12th birthday.
My Grandmother always adapted a 'Just get on with it' approach to whatever life threw at her and several times over the past week, I have been told that is where I get my stubbornness from.

I went to see a General Surgeon in Clonmel today as my GP wanted to further investigate this ongoing pain that I am still experiencing. On a quick read of my file and a quick run down of what has taken place over the last year he just stopped and said "What a brave person you are, I cant imagine the mental strength that it could take to put yourself through that time and time again, you truly are a remarkable person"

I was quick to tell him that I didnt think it was brave at all, but in fact, far from the most intelligent thing I have ever done. He corrected me, telling me that even though it didnt work out as we would have liked, the courage that it takes to keep going back and doing something after consistently failing at it, is immeasurable.
So anyway...he is going to do investigative surgery in February to figure out what is going on and to fix it.

More surgery...fun... fun... fun...!!!

This is just a brief update (as the title suggests) and is so because I am just shattered tired. I am seeing Gordon tomorrow so I'm sure I will find lots to blog about after that.

.xx.

Angels Do Exist.xx.

I woke up this morning to the most amazing offer.........Someone I have known for years, but have not been very close with...asked this morning if I had considered surrogacy and if so, her womb is mine if I'd like to borrow it. This lady had her own little boy just a few months ago and it has changed her life. She said that pregnancy really agreed with her and that nobody deserves a baby more than me...she is willing to let me borrow her body for 9 months...she is willing to go through pregnancy and labour and give birth...and then hand over the baby that she has carried for 9 months......and she is willing to do all of this for us...!!!

I was speechless...I just didnt know what to say, I just cannot believe that someone would even offer to make that kind of sacrifice...for us!

Surrogacy is not something that we are considering right now as unfortunately the problem is with the embryos and not with my womb, and using a different womb would not solve the problem.

An amazing offer from an amazing and very very special person, and something that I will never forget as long as I live.

I've been having a lot of pain today, a strange burning type pain in the area of my left fallopian tube...I do not know if this is a good thing or bad thing, but it has become more of a tight, pinchy-type pain as the evening has progressed and I'm beginning to think that a trip to A+E may be on the cards during the night if it doesnt settle down. I've taken some pain killers, so hopefully it will settle down........

And all the sympathy I'm getting from my husband..." I told you not to carry those bags...you're doing way too much, you need to rest yourself!"

...yeah, ok....maybe he is right......this time.......

'Not the Mama'

I have been having a really tough time lately, and to top it all off...I'm ill with a chest and throat infection and still having a lot of pain from the ectopic pregnancy. Dr took lots of bloods today, so hopefully we will have a better idea of what is going on when the results come back.

I had a beautifully vivid dream last night...or early this morning to be more precise. I dreamt that I was in labour...very very vivid labour, and I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy. He had the brightest blue eyes and although in the dream we had already decided what we were going to call him...when he arrived, we just couldnt think of a name special enough to suit him. Anyway...it was continuing to be a beautiful dream and everything I ever wanted until Patrick arrives, the proud Dad and picks the baby up...who then snaps at Patrick's nose in a Dinosaur style 'not the mama' motion. It then became very clear that it was a dream and I woke up in tears at the fact that once again...it wasnt to happen.

As many of you will know by now...Ive had some rather horrid messages from a certain person, these messages have not bothered me and have not caused my desire to continue with this blog to diminish in any way. It has however shown me the kind of support that I have out there in the world. The amount of people who jumped to my defense and to that of this blog, both on here and on Facebook and in private messages. It really is lovely to see, and it is so meaningful to me that people continue to read and support this blog...even though the story seems never ending.

I went to see Gordon last Wednesday, primarily because I needed my receipts for Tax purposes, but we ended up sitting and chatting for quite a while. He used the analogy of a car crash that just keeps on happening. 'its like you had a car accident and then the ambulance that came to bring you to hospital crashed into a wall and then the next ambulance drove off a cliff, each time it gets worse and at some point you realise that travelling by vehicle is not working out right now, so how about walking for a while?'

And he is right, because if I just 'walk' for a while, then I am in control of how everything is happening, I am in control of what we do and the pace at which we do it, I am not a passenger in a vehicle that is being driven erratically, with the hope that I arrive at my destination safely but the outcome constantly being the exact opposite.

My immune system is quite badly compromised from the chemotherapy, hence being so ill right now but I am on antibiotics to fight the infections, and after we chatted on Wednesday, Gordon said that he felt I would benefit from a session of acupuncture...during which he worked on points that would hopefully help with the panic attacks that I am still having.

My GP gave me some meds to help with these today, but I dont think I am going to take them (unless I really really need them) because I know that this is a phase that will pass and I am the worst in the world for taking tablets unless I absolutely need to!

So...for now...I am under strict orders from my GP and from Gordon to 'Just rest', so...that is the plan...for a few days anyway...at least until I am starting to feel a bit better.

The Case Of The Uninvited Egg...!!!

Patrick brought me to town on Thursday because I needed to go to the bank. I was in the bank...picked up the lodgement slip to fill it out and I couldnt find a pen...which is no big deal...except it was a huge deal at the time and I started to panic...my throat felt tight and I was starting to sweat, I felt like I just needed to get out of there...!  Fortunately, in my panic I managed to spot a pen on one of the other counters and all was fine.

Fast forward to Saturday morning...my friend Mary picked me up and we went to this beautiful cafe in Cahir for lunch. I ordered a bagel with cream cheese and bacon....except when it came out it was a bagel with cream cheese, bacon and some kind of an egg-based spread. Immediately the same thing happened, my throat got tight, I started to sweat..I was panicking. Not wanting to make it obvious...I picked up the bagel and took a bite...only to find it very difficult to swallow because my throat was so tight...so my immediate reaction was to concentrate on being able to breathe (Poor Mary, I swear she thought I was choking...!!!). So, I then told her what was going on...and I figured out that I could just scrape the eggy stuff off the bagel and all was fine.

Turns out these arent panic attacks in the conventional sense, but more an attack brought on by my body being so physically and mentally exhausted that it just cannot rationalise how to deal with such everyday occurances.

I've still not been getting much sleep if any...its usually around 6 or 7am when I'm finally dozing off. Was the same story on Sunday night...didnt start to doze off until 8am Monday morning, woke up at 11am and found that I was unable to move, my body felt like it was made of concrete. I had hit the point of being so completely exhausted that my body just could not move. I spent all of Monday in bed, flitting between dozing and just laying there. I did manage to get a few hours sleep last night...so hopefully the whole not sleeping thing is starting to improve.

Home Two Weeks...Yes, It's Only Been Two Weeks...!!!

I'm home just over 2 weeks now and am still having unreal pain. My tube has started contracting this evening, which has just been excrutiating. The Dr. told me this would happen once the embryos were completely dead as both the womb and the tube have to expel their contents...just the tube has to contract a lot more than the womb and it is so so painful. Unfortunately....I am informed that this pain can last for any length from 6 weeks to 3 months...!!!

I had a really good morning today, met a friend for coffee (or three) and a chat, called into work for a bit and then went to the supermarket...and that's when the pain started. (I think I'm going to have to stop going shopping...I seem to end up in pain everytime I go now...!!!). I ended up having to get some morphine and that just knocked me out...I slept for a few hours and the pain started again not long after I woke up.

I made the decision yesterday to go and get my hair cut, It was in such bad condition from the Methotrexate and all the other drugs, it was breaking off and starting to fall out, so I figured it was best to just get it all cut up. It absolutely killed me to do it...I just cried the whole time my hair was being cut...and then seeing all of my once beautiful hair on the floor...it was just terrible.

Everyone is telling me my hair is nice this way and I have to admit that it looks much healthier as all the bad hair is gone. I think it was just the defining moment for me...having to have all my hair cut up just compounded how badly all of this has gone wrong!

When I called into work I got loads of hugs and kisses from the children....one of whom asked if I was all better now...to which I responded that I was nearly all better....the response I got...
"But we made you a magic card to make you all better...did it not work?"  (Heart-breaking stuff...!!!)

I am now a firm believer of 'what goes around, comes around'. Me, as a person...I hate to see anyone upset or having a hard  time and it is in my nature to want to help and make everything ok. The amount of calls, messages and emails that I have received from people reminding me of how they have never forgotten that I was there for them in their time of need, telling me not to hesitiate to pick up the phone if I need anything.

I really do appreciate it because I am finally at a stage where I can actually admit that I do need help (yeah, yeah I know...finally...!!!). I am simply not able to do everything right now and most of all...I am finally able to ask for help. But the most amazing part for me is that people actually want to help...I know everyone says that they want to help...but this time...people actually do want to.

Patrick and I are starting to realise that for everything we dont have...we really do have a lot, and even though our bank balance isnt too healthy after a year of IVF treatment, we are rich with friends, real friends and most of all...we have eachother...even though there are times we could kill eachother...this whole thing has brought us so close and we know that whatever the future may hold...we will get through it so long as we have eachother.

Coffee, Chocolate Cake and No More Chemo...!!!

We went to the hospital to have bloods taken on Thursday morning to check the HCG levels, and I got a call from the nurse yestersay to say that my levels are down to 1.2, which is both good and bad....good because it means I won't need to have anymore chemotherapy...and bad because it means that my embryos are almost completely dead, and as soon as they are dead...I will start to lose them...which means more pain and bleeding as both my womb and my left fallopian tube begin to contract in order to expel the contents.

I feel like this is beginning to start already as I am starting to have some cramps this evening.

I had a really nice day today...my friend Rachel came to pick me up and brought me to town for a bit, initially I really did not want to go, as I absolutely hated the thought of going out and being around people and meeting people and having to talk to them, but it turned out to be a good thing. The more walking around I did, the less it was hurting me to move around, we went for coffee and cake, chocolate of course, and we did some shopping. I did meet some people that I know and although my concern was having to talk to people and not wanting to...it turned out to be a lot more uncomfortable for the people that I met, as they just did not know what to say, yet they wanted to say something.

The last thing I want to do is make people feel uncomfortable around me, I know everyone wants to help and people genuinely do not know what to say, but don't worry...because the 'right words' do not exist, but I really do appreciate the effort and the sentiment.

Today is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support and Awareness Day and people all over the world are lighting candles to contribute to the World Wide Wave of Light between 7pm and 8pm to show their support. Lots of people have sent me pictures of their lighted candles along with messages that they are thinking of us at this time, and even though it is heartbreaking for me, it has made me smile everytime.

We genuinely feel that people all over the world, but mostly our friends here are really and truly sharing this experience with us. From Patrick's sister-in-law who came to see me in the hospital on the day we found out that the babies were both going to die and couldnt talk because she was so upset for us, to my friend Mary who came to visit me, armed with a big box of chocolates because she just didnt know what to say (apart from telling me that there was a fire at work and the place was surrounded with fire-brigades and police cars...!!!) you have a strange sense of humour, but you made me smile...........to my friend Rachel, who is the best in the world, she is there for me no matter what I need, to laugh, to cry, to talk, to scream, to rant...whatever it is...I know she is there to help me through it....to all the girls at work who sent me flowers and lovely messages and are keeping the place standing and running in my absence (I know its hard without me, girls, but ye are doing a great job...!!!) To Paul and Hilary, who sent me flowers all the way from the UK...to my friends in America and the UK who have called and text and sent lovely emails, and even though they dont know anything other than 'Anne-Marie has a sore tummy'...to all the children at Bright Beginnings who made me the most beautiful cards...which I will treasure for ever, along with the memory of my bed in the hospital being covered in glitter from the cards. I wish I could name everyone who has sent us messages and thoughts throughout this whole experience which can only be described as a bizzare series of events, and to those of you who continue to be there for us no matter what...

Thank you all so much, we will never forget the level of support we have received and how each and every one of you has helped us at this time. Lots of Love to you all.xx.

International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support and Awareness Day.xx.

People around the world are lighting candles from 7pm to 8pm in support of October 15th, International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support and Awareness Day.

I've lit seven candles...one for each of my little angels...

It's a small gesture but it means a lot to people who have lost babies, both in the womb or shortly after birth.

Thank you for lighting your candle.xx.

Home Six Days

Ok so...I am home from hospital 6 days now and unfortunately my levels seem to have stopped at 47 and don't seem to be dropping any further. I have to  go back to the hospital tomorrow to have my levels tested again and if they have not dropped to below 5, we will have to repeat the chemotherapy......which we really really do not want to do.

Unfortunately, the drugs used in chemotherapy do not just attack embryonic cells...they attack any cells in the body that develop quickly, so they have attacked the cells in my nose, mouth and throat, causing lots of ulcers and blisters. It has also attacked my hair, causing it to become very brittle and parts of it are just breaking off.......so, we really do not want to repeat the chemotherapy process!

Yesterday, I got very worried that I am still in a lot of pain as I really thought it would have started to subside by now, but Patrick told me that the surgeon had said that it could be 4 or 5 weeks before I begin to notice any decrease in pain levels.

I know many people could argue that I did not cope well on previous occassions, but I am really really not coping well this time. I think that on previous occassions I always had it in my head that we would go straight back and try again, but this time...knowing that we will not be going straight back...it feels very final and that is very very hard to accept.

I am kind of flitting between being upset and being angry. Yesterday, I was watching telly and one of those ads came on about the starving children in Africa and asking people to send 'just £3 a month...'. The picture showed a woman who was clearly starving and malnourished, holding her baby....this made me so angry. I wasnt angry that they were looking for help or support....I was angry that she was starving and malnourished and had no prenatal care and yet she managed to get pregnant and give birth to a relatively healthy baby.

I know it may not be rational thought, but this blog has always been about writing truthfully and honestly from the heart and espressing how I am feeling and what is going through my head as we go along this rollercoaster of a path that has been laid before us.

However, we have just realised (or been forced to realise) that the rollercoaster is not the only amusement at this fair that we call Life, so we are going to take a break from the rollercoaster, a long-term break.

We're just going to enjoy the 'Fair' for a while.

Ectopic Pregnancy, Emergency Surgery and Chemotherapy...!!!

So...we were on our way to Clonmel on Sunday to do some shopping and I knew I was having some cramps as we were in the car. When we got to the shopping centre I just went to the bathroom where I was bleeding very heavily and then felt a ripping sensation in my left side.

We went straight to the hospital and thirty minutes later I was on the way to theatre for emergency surgery.

One of the embryos had made its way into my left fallopian tube, causing an ectopic pregnancy.

The Dr. did not remove the tube as the swelling in the tube at that time was quite small and he said that they do not like to take tubes from young women unless it is absolutely necessary.

Meanwhile, the results of Saturday's blood test came back and the levels were 811 which is a good number. The levels were checked again on Monday morning, and we got the results back yesterday morning; 356.

Initially this looked like both embryos were failing and it would just be a matter of time, however it turned out that the embryo in the womb was failing fast but the one in the tube was still developping and the pain was getting more and more intense, until it became more like a popping, throbbing sensation.

At this point the Dr. came in to tell us that we need to do something and we need to do it fast. There were 2 options; open surgery to remove the tube or Methotrexate, a course of low-dose chemotherapy (yes, the same drugs that they give to cancer patients). The purpose of the Methotrexate is to kill fast-developping cells, so it would instantly attack both embryos, however the list of side-effects appeared to be endless.

The Dr. told us that the risks involved in taking a course of Methotrexate are much less than the risks involved in open surgery, especially at Midnight.

They had to send a courier to Waterford hospital to collect the drugs as they had not used them previously in Clonmel, they arrived just after Midnight. A little while later 2 Drs and 3 nurses enter my room, covered from head to toe, the drugs were very carefully unwrapped and were then injected into my body through two needles, one in each hip. This was the scariest part of the whole experience for me, knowing that those drugs are so powerful that the Medical staff can not risk any contact with them, but yet they were being injected straight into my body!

I was very sick after this and spent most of the night vomiting, until they gave me an injection to stop the sickness.

I slept most of the day today, until the Dr. came in at 5 o'clock to say that the methotrexate had worked well and I was out of the danger zone as the levels were down to 66.

First Question: "Can I go home?"

He was happy enough to let me go home on the condition that I do absolutely nothing and I go back down to the hospital every day to continue to have my levels monitored.

So...to recap; Emergency Surgery is no fun, Ectopic pregnancies are no fun, having three incisions and lots of stitches, not to mention the bruising and pain...is no fun, Morphine on demand is kinda fun but that only lasts so long...and Chemotherapy is definitely no fun...!!!

So...This whole experience has been a whole pile of NO FUN, and we have decided that we need to give IVF a break for a while. I am going to get better, I know it will take a while but I will get better and then we will go away on a holiday and just take a break from this thing that has consumed our lives for the past 2 years.

My brother Liam rang me last night when he heard about the Chemotherapy and he said 'Anne-Marie, I know how much you want to have a baby, but you are going to kill yourself in the process' and last night compounded that for me.....ectopic pregnancies, emergency surgery, chemotherapy...these are all scary terms and they are even scarier when you have no choice but to have your body cut open and then a little while later, lay there while Dr.s pump your body full of dangerous chemicals, and all for the purpose of saving my life and saving my fertility.

It is time for us to just stop now.

On the up side, I am just home now and even though I am very sore and in a lot of pain...I have gotten so many kisses and cuddles from Lulu, the excitement when she saw me...Oh I missed that puppy so much...!!!

I Am Such A Worry-Wart...!!!

I had some more bleeding this evening, so I rang Clonmel hospital and they said to come straight down.

They did an ultra sound scan which didn't show anything, so they then did a transvaginal scan which showed definite 'occupancy of my womb' but the scanning machine was not strong enough to give a clear picture of how many embryos are in there.

They also did a urine pregnancy test which turned positive straight away, and they took some blood to check the HCG Levels, so we will have those results on Monday.

I know some bleeding in early pregnancy is probably nothing to worry about but gosh, with our history...any amount of bleeding causes pure panic and thoughts that the worst is happening again.

Right now, We are so elated that I am still pregnant, every time that we have gone to the hospital with bleeding before...we have come home with bad news...but not this time.

I know it is just a small step, but for us it is a huge leap...it is like all of our Christmasses have come together...!!!

Yaaayyyyy Still Pregnant...!!!

So... being pregnant definitely kicks not-being-pregnant's ass...!!!

Even if I do feel like my uterus is about to burst and I am routinely dreaming that I am chopping people up and feeding them to my dogs...!!!

I rang the Clinic today so my scan is scheduled for Friday week at 12pm, during which we will find out how many little miracles are in my womb.

I am having morning sickness in the afternoons, seem to be spending half my time peeing, my boobs are ginormous and I am still having some spotting.

All horrid, but all good pregnancy signs, although with the pressure and stretching pains that I am feeling...I reckon there must be about seven of them in there...!!!

I Am Soooooooooooooo

Pregnant...!!!

Turns out the bleeding was just caused by the Cyclogest pessaries irritating my cervix.

So we will find out next week how many babies are in there.

Sooooo exciting...xx.

Here We Go Again.......

I have had some bleeding tonight, a small amount but enough to be worrying.

A call to the hospital was completely useless as I was just told that unfortunately we will not be able to tell anything until Wednesday.

I know that a small amount of bleeding at this stage can be implantation bleeding, but implantation bleeding is usually dark red or brownish in colour, and the bleeding I am having is very bright red in colour.

...and so the waiting begins to see what hand Fate has dealt us this time.......

The State of P.U.P.O

I am currently in the increasingly familiar state of being Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.

I am still quite sore today and feel like I have a lot of bruising from the procedure yesterday. I am also developing a lot of horrid bruises on my stomach from the daily Innohep injections that I started yesterday, along with  NuSeal Aspirin, both of which are supposed to thin my blood and prevent clots in the hope of decreasing the chances of miscarriage.

I am also taking six lots of Fematab Hormones in tablet form every day and two lots of Cyclogest Progesterone Pessaries every day, both of which are designed to make my womb lining very thick and hopefully a snug place for the embryos to latch on to.

I've finished the course of Oxytetracycline today, which was four times a day for 5 days and its purpose is to prevent infection before, during and after the Transfer.
I also finished the course of Medrone today, which is also Progestrone based and its purpose is to prevent a build-up of estrogen in the womb.

I have to continue with the full dose of Fematab, Cyclogest, Innohep and NuSeal Aspirin for the next few weeks and possibly up to week 14 of pregnancy (all going well)...!!!

For now though, it is sleepy time for me. I'm still collecting 'Sticky Thoughts' so keep sending them my way for the next 24 hours please.

Nighty Night.xx.

Speculum Wins...So Glad That's Over...!!!

Round three definitely goes to 'The Speculum'

I am crippled after it, it was just pure agony.

So...I definitely will not be moving off of the couch for thenext few days...!!!

On the bright side though...I have 2 beautiful embryos inside me, they thawed with no problem and we had no delays with the transfer.

I was very anxious before and during the procedure, as soon as the nurse asked me how I am...I burst into tears...(and this was before we had even left the waiting room...!!!)

It was all relatively quick and we were back on the road within an hour.

The wait is only 12 days this time and in all honesty, I am not even thinking about that. I really am in too much pain right now. I am curled up on the couch waiting for one of my best friends (and she really is one of the best friends anyone could ever have) to come over for a bit and keep me company as my wonderful Husband has to go to work for a few hours.

I think I will stay on the couch tonight, as trying to make it up the 14 steps to the bedroom simply does not seem like a plausible option right now.

Thank you all so much for all your kind words, messages and prayers today, every time I received one, it made me smile and made me so aware that even though I was in bits with nerves...I knew I wouldnt be alone through this.

Still thinking 'Sticky' please.xx.

Sticky Thoughts Please.xx.

Ok...so I didn't have any nerves last night...but that has been completely rectified this morning...!!!

I woke up at 6am with a knot in my stomach, I actually feel physically sick with nerves and anxiety about today.

I won't be able to have acupuncture before and after the transfer this time. This really helped the last time as I was so relaxed getting to the Clinic, I didnt feel anything. Gordon is leaving for the UK this morning, hence my appointment with him yesterday evening and I will see him again on Monday. (I have, of course, asked him if he wouldn't mind running his plans by me in future, before confirming anything to ensure this type of thing does not happen again ;-) )

I am oozing nerves this morning and I still have 3 hours before I can even call the Clinic to see if our embryos have survived the thawing process or not.

I'm half thinking of going in to work for a few hours, but I fear I may be shot if I do...with my army of 'you take care of yourself and don't lift a finger all weekend, we have everything under control', and I know they do have everything under control, they are just fantastic.......now.......if I could only get these nerves under control...!!!

I think time is actually going backwards this morning, it is passing so slowly...!!!

Not that I am especially looking forward to beginning round three of  Me Vs 'The Speculum', but this waiting is just awful!

I think I may be a little bit delirious with nerves, it is just such an anxious time.....I hate waiting, and what is even worse than the waiting is the fact that I have absolutely no control over the outcome. I will leave the Clinic today with two embryos in my womb and what happens after that is completely in the hands of Fate...

The dice will be rolled.....the coin tossed....Will the embryos stay in place.......or......will they fail to attach,   will they attach for a while and then be hit with a curve ball, causing them to detach, will I once again get to hear my babies' heartbeats and then miscarry shortly after..................... The answer, unfortunately, is not up to me..........It lays in the hands of Fate and lets all just hope and pray that even through the wind and the rain that is lashing down outside, Fate finds a tiny window of opportunity to allow its light to shine on me and my babies for the next few weeks..........It just has to work this time, right?

I need you all to send 'sticky' thoughts my way for the next few days.....and if this doesn't work...I may be having a tube of superglue put in with them next time...!!!

All Systems Go

Just home from my last accupuncture session before the Transfer tomorrow.

I guess I'm feeling ok about it, not feeling nervous (yet...!!!), but that most likely will change in the morning.

I'm heading off to bed now...its been a very busy week and I need to be well rested for tomorrow's procedure, then its bedrest until Monday morning.

Will update tomorrow evening...fingers crossed everything goes well.xx.

Transfer Number Three

Just back from Cork and all is looking fine.

We will be transferring two more blastocysts on Friday morning.

How am I feeling about this...???...I honestly do not know.

Still experiencing a sense of numbness regarding the whole thing, I feel like I'm in a constant state of being lost in thought yet unable to think.

I do feel that it is the right thing to do to go ahead and have two more transferred straight away, so hopefully it is the right decision and all will go well this time.

Strength is . . .

Gordon said to me today 'You are one of the strongest people I know, but today you are weak'.

This completely threw my whole perception. You see....I thought I was being strong, or at least I was trying to be. Going to work, putting on a front, pretending that I am fine, refusing to deal with what is actually going on.

I arrived at Gordon's clinic today, after coming from the Fertility Clinic. I was stressed beyond belief, I was exhausted, irritable and just completely pissed off. I was at the point where I just was not even able to talk. Gordon commented that he has never seen me so tense.

After two and a half hours of mimicking a pin cushion, being made to talk and externalise what was going on inside of me, having my buttons pushed, questionning and eventually breaking down and crying..........I finally was stronger, because I had been taking the easy way out by not dealing with what was going on, and that made me weak.

I left Gordon's clinic today, and I was a different person to the person who walked in two and a half hours earlier. In that short period of time I had been made to deal with what might have taken me months to deal with had I kept going the way I was going.

I am feeling completely different now. I feel like I will finally get some decent sleep tonight, so yeah...definitely a good change.

I have to go back to the Fertility Clinic on Sunday for another scan and all going well, I think we will have 2 more embryos implanted towards the end of next week. I know this might sound like we are rushing back into this...but there is a method to my madness.......I am on medication which contain high levels of hormones from the previous transfer, and the come-down off of those hormones is just horrid, not to mention the uncertainty of waiting for my cycle to return and stabilise, so I made the decision this time that I will not go through that. I decided that I would stay on the hormones after the miscarriage and would have another implantation done as soon as possible.

We have four embryos left in cyropreservation in Cork, we had eight, we implanted one during the first transfer, one died during the thawing process of the second transfer, during which we transferred two embryos, so this time we will also have two transferred.

I know it is going to be a rough road emotionally, both dealing with what I have just gone through and dealing with the fears and uncertainties of a new transfer and all of the risks that it poses.

For now though, I need an early night and I need some decent sleep. Today turned out to be a very good day emotionally for me, I let go of a lot of the pain I was hanging on to. I know there will be some tough days in the next few weeks, some days where I will return to old habits of suppressing how I am feeling and not externalising, there will be lots of days when I will be weak again....but today.....Today, I am Strong.

Untitled...!!!

Isn't it funny how we try to fool ourselves...???

After coming from Cork on Tuesday I went straight to work and stayed there all day.......I worked all day Wednesday, I went to Cork for a scan yesterday and yes, you guessed it...I went straight back to work and stayed there all day and today again, a 10 hour day...just to keep my mind occupied.

I spent all week trying to convince everyone (and myself) that I'm actually fine, I'm doing ok. I'm much stronger this time and I am able to cope with this.

Except..............unfortunately...there comes a time when there is no more paperwork to redo just for the sake of it, there are no more reports to review for a third time...just in case I might have missed something the first two times. There comes a time when you have to come home from work, knowing you are going home to an empty house, knowing that at some point you are going to run out of distractions.

The fear of not having these pseudo-distractions, dominated only by the sheer panic of knowing that this is going to hit me, I am going to have to deal with this and it is not going to be easy.

I've done it so many times before, I was certain that I could just go through the motions this time and get on with things and just not let it affect me.

900 channels and nothing on, nobody on Facebook to chat to, that familiar knot begins to form in my stomach and it takes me a few minutes to realise what is causing it. I flick through the channels again...there must be something I can watch...anything..............but no...you see...there isn't anything that can stop this from happening. There isn't anything that can prevent me from once again having my heart ripped out and have it broken in half right before my eyes, knowing that eventually it will be replaced back into my chest...the problem being though...that once something has been broken, it never truly fits properly ever again.

I've laughed off the knowing looks of my friends all week....my real friends...the people who see past my facade and know that its all going to come crashing down, no matter how hard I try to avoid it.

Well, my dear friends..........you were right!

That knot in my stomach escalates to an unignorable level and I notice a warm tear rolling down my cheek.

I panic...I cannot go through this again! This stupid television...why can't there just be something on...???

The truth though, is that it wouldn't matter what was on the television tonight. My two little angels need me to deal with this and to let them go.

As I lay here, fighting to see the screen through my tears, knowing that as each of my real friends read this, they will want to know why I didnt just pick up the phone and call them, because every single one of them will feel this pain for me...............but tonight...this pain is all mine, it belongs to me and over the next few days as my body expels what could have been our beautiful twins and the physical pain escalates to the point where I honestly believe that it cant get any worse (and it will!), I will be comforted, if only slightly, by the fact that the physical pain is the easy part!

I hate to admit it, but I am beginning to lose hope. How many more times do I have to go through this before I can hold my own baby in my arms?...Will I ever hold my own baby in my arms...???

Two More Angels.......

Ok..so we wanted to surprise everyone in a few weeks with the news that I am pregnant with Twins..............

Unfortunately, I will not be pregnant with twins in a few weeks time.

Once again, I will fail to get past the 8 week mark. I have a cyst on my ovary which is taking the hormones from the babies. The hormone levels have dropped very fast so once again, we play the waiting game, waiting for the inevitable to happen.......

An Eye Opener

I went to the Clinic today for a routine scan, just to make sure everything is ok and to check that no cysts are forming on the ovaries and that type of thing.
As Patrick was working, my friend Rachel came with me. We shared a few giggles in the waiting room about the fact that we must have looked like a same-sex couple, among a room full of hetrosexual couples.

The scan went off without a hitch, the nurse had no problem finding my ovaries which was a huge surprise and the result was that everything is fine, there are no cysts forming and everything looks good.

We got out to the car and I rang Gordon to see if he had an appointment available, which he did, so as we were already in Cork, I thought it a good idea to go and have some acupuncture done too.

When I got off the phone with Gordon, I noticed that Rachel had a troubled look on her face. I asked if she was ok and she just responded that she just could not believe the amount of people that routinely struggle with what she and many others just take for granted. I suppose ten or twelve couples passed through the waiting room in the hour that we were there, every single one of them wanting so much to be parents and every single one of them carrying a similiar story to that of mine and Patrick's.

Rachel came with me to see Gordon, who took great pleasure in asking her about me and how I was really doing between acupuncture sessions. Rachel responded that I am a lot more relaxed, not as uptight and am not thinking about fertility all the time anymore.

Gordon then said to me 'She is a very good friend, she knows you very very well', indeed she is and indeed she does. Rachel has been there for me throughout my previous IVF cycle and is one of the first people to ask about how each appointment goes with Gordon (she made the comment at the weekend that even though she has never met Gordon, she feels like he is her best friend because she hears so much about him), I think even though today was an eye opener for her and I would go as far as to say that it shocked her a little bit, I think she understands on a deeper level what we are actually going through.

On some level, I think I have become slightly oblivious to the amount of people who go through the fertility clinic as I have been on the inside looking out for so long, but for someone like Rachel, who has two beautiful children...I suppose I could liken the experience to a first-world resident visiting a third-world country...

The product yearned is different, but the starvation is the same.

Every person attending that clinic has a hunger, a need to be a parent and every time they get knocked back...a tiny piece of them dies.

I now have something that a lot of the other people attending that clinic do not have, I now have hope and with my support network including professionals like Gordon and special friends like Rachel, not to mention the thousands of people around the world...I know that whenever we decide to go back for our next transfer...we will be blessed with a healthy and full term pregnancy...and what comes after that is too exciting for me to even think about at this time of night...!!!

Gordon told me "Babies choose us, we don't choose them. Babies decide when they will come into our lives"

Well, little one...whenever you are ready...Mommy and Daddy are waiting for you.xx.

Me Me Me Me Me.......

Ok...so I went back down to see Gordon yesterday and the conversation started about my last blog post...which he had read.....and he proceded to tell me off for not talking more about myself and what I had done...!!! (I just can't win...!!!)

Hence the title of this post.

My thinking has evolved so much since I began attending for acupuncture. I no longer feel bitter or negative because of the babies I have lost, I no longer fear miscarrying again the next time I get pregnant. I am so looking forward to being pregnant again. It no longer bothers me when I see new born babies or pregnant women.

When I was waiting for my appointment yesterday (I had arrived 30 minutes early as I had gotten the time wrong), the lady with the appointment before mine came out of the treatment room. This lady was definitely at least 6 months pregnant and in my mind she was just beautifully pregnant. When I said this to Gordon he commented on how much my thinking and emotions had evolved from the very first time I had gone to see him, when it was too upsetting for me to sit in his waiting room because there were lots of pictures of babies on the wall and at the time, I just couldnt handle that.

My relationship with Patrick has evolved too, we are now a lot more open with eachother and we are communicating more than we ever have. I think I spent a long time expecting him to be a mindreader, I wanted him to understand how I was feeling...but I wasn't able to tell him how I was feeling.

Lulu.....well... she is just great...it is just not even conceivable how much love I have for that dog, she is beyond spoiled...!!!

and to top it all off...My cat is pregnant and not long off delivering I would imagine. Patrick and I are going away for a few days the week after next and even though Liam is staying at our house...I have visions of us returning to a scene of Lulu running around the house with a kitten in her mouth like a squeaky toy...!!!

So for now...we are going to enjoy the long weekend, hopefully a bbq tomorrow with some friends (weather permitting) and then some quality time with Patrick until its back to the grind on Tuesday.

Happy Weekend Everyone.xx.

A Glimmer of Hope

Ok, so its been just over seven weeks since I have posted on here..........the reason being...I simply needed a break. The words just would not come so I decided it best to wait until I felt up to posting again.

The last seven weeks have been a mixture of heartbreak, tears, complete dispair, trauma and among all of those things...a tiny glimmer of hope.

This glimmer of hope comes in the form of Gordon Mullins, an acupuncturist who specialises in fertility issues. He has a natural fertility clinic in Cork and as of now, I have been to see him 4 times.

The first visit, we just sat and talked for two and a half hours, I got to tell my story and to my surprise...he actually listened, and not only that...he was certain that he could help. He gave me hope, he told me that he would do everything that he could to ensure that my next pregnancy is a healthy one that goes to full term...(well, everything except actually get me pregnant...he did stress on several occassions that he will not actually get me pregnant...................I assured him that was quite alright and I'd prefer my husband to do that anyway...!!!)

On the second appointment, he introduced the needles which really are not anything like what I thought they would be. They are tiny and most of the time you only barely feel them, although a few times...they have actually hurt.........I am assured that this is not actually pain but the shifting of energy. During this appointment, Gordon told me that he would induce a period, and that I would have a bleed which would consist only or bright red blood. I think I may have laughed at him.....I got my first period when I was just nine years old and in all those years, I have never had a period that was just bright red blood. Gordon explained to me that if the bleeding is usually dark or contains clots...that is not a healthy womb lining for an embryo to grow in, as there is little or no oxygen in the womb lining.

That appointment was on a Thursday, by Sunday I was crippled with back pain...just like Gordon told me I would be...and by Tuesday, I had started to bleed...and yes...it was purely bright red blood...!!!

This guy is a Miracle Worker...!!!

Patrick came with me on the second and third visits, a true sceptic, but even he had no choice but to become a believer when, on the third visit...Whatever Gordon did gave me a sharp pain over my left eye, to which Gordon responded by putting a needle in the top of my right foot..............and the pain disappeared...yes, it actually just went instantly. Gordon explained that a pain over my left eye is connected to my liver and the spot where he put the needle in my foot is also connected to the Liver and therefore counter-acted the pain.

So...my most recent visit was last Thursday and during this visit I was finally able to vocalise my fear at the thought of going back to the Clinic and going through all of this again. I am terrified and at this point do not want to go back.

Initially after I miscarried, I told myself that I would go back straight away, as soon as I could and then I wouldnt have to deal with the underlying fear...I would just get on with it. But my sessions with Gordon have taught me that I need to deal with that fear and the fact that I do not want to go back to the Clinic means that I am simply not ready to. I am learning the importance of vocalising instead of internalising, a method I have studied in depth in a professional context...... but sometimes it is not so easy to follow your own advice.

For now.......Patrick and I are just enjoying being together. We are married three years on the 9th of August and in all honesty...that whole time has been spent between trying to have a baby, getting pregnant, losing babies, hospitals, clinics, medications, injections and just an unbelievable amount of stress.
So, we are spending some time just reconnecting, enjoying eachother's company and getting to know eachother as a couple, outside of trying to be parents.

As Gordon told me.....we need to bring the Happiness back into our relationship. Patrick and I have a very good relationship, we are very close....but the most-part of the past three years has been tinged with sadness and grief, so we are going to take some time just to be us.

I will see Gordon again on Thursday of next week and both Patrick and I so look forward to the appointments because it has made such a difference. The overwhelming part for us is that we have found someone who actually cares. Gordon will often call to see how we are doing or how I am feeling, and I know that I can email him at any time with any thoughts or questions.

I was feeling very tired and off form all day, so I put together what was practically a novel within an email, pretty much explaining how nothing was right with the world and I sent it to Gordon, it was not an email that he needed to read...it was an email that I needed to send.

His response basically told me that if I re-read that email, all of the answers I am looking for are portrayed very obviously in my own words.............and he was right.

However, I was able to attribute today's mood-swings, indecisiveness and well...'that email' to one thing this evening.............I am ovulating...........Its been so long since I have ovulated, I had actually forgotten how it felt.  So yes...I am a little bit hormonal, but so unbelievably delighted that my system has returned to a functioning state.

I really want to thank each and every one of you that has supported us throughout this whole thing, it has been a very difficult time but it would have been a whole pile more difficult without the support of our family, friends and the many people around the world who have sent us messages.

And to my friends who put off telling me the fantastic news that they are pregnant, I am so happy for each of you, I am genuinely delighted for you and I know that you will make fantastic parents. It is not hard for me to see people who are pregnant, some days I do find it difficult but those days are few and far between and I genuinely believe that it will not be too much longer and we will be shouting to the world that we are in our second trimester.............

Gordon says so.....and we believe him.

(He does want us to call our first boy 'Gordon' though......ah, we can discuss that when the time comes...!!!)

Enter Lulu.xx.

Yeah...so we got a puppy...!!!

I know all you Psychologists out there (both qualified and amateur) are probably screaming at the computer screen right now...!!!

I was having a really crappy day yesterday, which was spent between crying and and making my fingers raw, cleaning things that were already clean, oh yeah and much of that time was spent doing both.

So, about 7:30 yesterday evening we decided 'lets get a puppy', I think we were both so relieved at the thought of getting something that was going to distract us, even temporarily, from the constant pain and sense of loss that we are feeling.............and Lulu.....well, she has done just that.

She is the cutest, most affectionate little thing, she is just beautiful.

I did have about half an hour of feeling unbelievably guilty this evening, I felt so guilty that maybe I was trying to replace the baby we just lost with this beautiful little puppy, but in truth, that isnt the case at all.
She is just something that can make me forget my pain from time to time, something that makes me unable to not smile when I look at her because she is just so cute and she gives me lots of kisses and cuddles, so hey...that cant be a bad thing...!!!

And yeah..I am not denying that she will probably be the most spoiled puppy in the world...but we both have so much love to share right now, so we may as well share it with her until the time comes for us to go back to the Clinic to try again.

I Just Don't Get It

I really just dont understand how this could have happened.
We have had so many tests to make sure there is nothing wrong with me, we went through the gruelling process of egg collection and the selection of the best quality eggs, the Clinic lab technicians selected the best quality sperm.
They injected the best quality sperm into the best quality egg, to ensure best quality fertilisation, which resulted in an embryo and then a blastocyst of the best quality, which was then cyropreserved and survived the thawing process with no problems because it was of such good quality.
The Embryo Transfer went off without a hitch and the Embryo implanted days before it was expected to, because my womb lining was so think because of the hormones I had been taking for weeks.
I tested positive six days before it was expected to show up on a home pregnancy test.

So...where did it all go wrong...???

"Its just one of those things", I swear, if I hear that once more...how can something be 'just one of those things'? Its something that just happens...........but how can this 'just happen'? We took every precaution, every thing was in place.

We thought that the last place where it could have gone wrong was if the embryo didnt attach to the womb lining, which would have resulted in a negative pregnancy test, but it did attach and six positive pregnancy tests later, we let ourselves relax and actually believe that our time had finally come, that we were actually going to be parents. We had so many delightful moments of disbelief when we had to just remind eachother that it was actually happening, that I was actually carrying our baby. We giggled so much, it was like all our Christmasses had come at once, it was everything we ever wanted.

Suddenly all the things that used to seem 'big' to us, became so not important, the trip we had planned to New York later in the year, well lets not bother with that because we could spend that money on beautiful nursery furniture, I'm not going to buy the new Radley handbag that I wanted, because OMG, Have you seen the Radley baby changing bags, those are the cutest ever, I'm definitely going to get one of those instead!, The things that we wanted became so irrelevant because we had everything that we ever wanted right there inside my womb.

And then, in the blink of an eye, it was all taken away from us and I just can't understand it, I need a logical explanation for it and there just isn't one.

People keep saying to me 'Oh, it wasn't to be', well, I'd love to know exactly how it 'wasn't to be', am I supposed to just accept that?

It took us nine months of treatment to get to the stage where we could see those two beautiful lines on the first pregnancy test, nine months of stress and strain caused by the physical, emotional and financial demands of the IVF process, and what do we have to show at the end of it...???

Nothing, absolutely nothing (apart from an unhealthy-looking bank account and an emptiness that we are never going to be able to fill...!!!).

Weird .......... Or What ..........???

I came across this picture last night, when I was tagging some pictures on Facebook. This picture is from our wedding day, the 9th of August, 2008.

Note the orb of light on the womb of that statue..........not too strange, right? orbs often appear in photos.

Except........that orb appeared in the same place on that statue in three different pictures, taken from three different cameras, by three different people.

Weird, or What...???

Cruel, Cruel Games...!!!

The pains started yesterday afternoon and really were quite mild, but around 6:30 yesterday evening the contractions started to get really strong and were coming about every six minutes.
I was adament that I was not going to the hospital, so instead I rang the Caredoc and got an appointment for 9pm.
We had to go to Tipperary town as there was no Dr. in Cashel at the time, but Tipp town is only about 20 mins away.

We arrived just before 9pm, I was doubled over in pain by this time but I explained to the Dr. that I did not want to go to the hospital, I really just wanted something to help with the pain and if it got worse or I started bleeding very heavily, I would go straight to the hospital.

The Dr. agreed, as I wasnt actually bleeding at all at this stage. He gave me an injection of morphine, which kicked in after just a few minutes and I got instant relief. I could still feel tightness with the contractions, but could feel no pain. The Dr. also gave me some tablets which are basically the same as what was in the injection, but just in tablet form.

We came home then, and I got absolutely no sleep at all last night, I'm not sure whether it was the morphine, or the contractions or the fact that I was conscious that my body was simulating active labour and in my mind, it just wasnt fair that I would have to go through all of that and not have a beautiful baby to hold at the end of it. Life really can play cruel games at times.

Ive been absolutely wrecked all day, kinda dozing a bit most of the day. The pains arent too bad today, the morphine is keeping on top of it and although I am aware of the pain, it is bearable. The bleeding has started too, but it is quite light yet.

I am both emotionally and physically drained, so here's hoping I actually manage to get some sleep tonight.

Ok, So Here's The Story......

I called the Clinic in Cork on Tuesday morning and explained the situation to them. The nurse told me to come down straight away and they would do a scan and run some tests to see how everything is going.

We got the the Clinic around 11:15 and they saw us straight away. The nurse did an internal scan first to see what was going on in my womb, it was very unclear.

The nurse then said that she wanted me to do a urine pregnancy test, which I did. Initially it wasnt showing anything and that was the initial heart break. The nurse then asked if we wanted to meet with Dr. Wiergandt, one of the consultants, so we did.

We went across the corridor to meet him in one of the consultation rooms. A few seconds later the nurse came back in and asked the Dr if she could see him outside the room for a minute. About three minutes later, both the nurse and the Dr came back in to the room, the pregnancy test had turned positive, but the line was faint. This provided a very faint bit of hope for us. I was definitely still pregnant.

Unsure about what was happening, she suggested that we go across the road to the Bons Hospital and have a blood test done to check the level of pregnancy hormones, in a naturally progressing pregnancy the HCG hormone level will double about every 2-3 days.

We went across to have the test and the results only took about 20 minutes to come back. The hormone level had dropped from 101.7 on Sunday to 20.4 on Tuesday, the pregnancy was fading and it was fading fast.
We had a couple of options, we could go and have a procedure to have the contents of my womb removed or we could go home and let everything happen naturally.

I just wanted to go home, I couldnt handle the thought of going through an anasthetic and just waking up 'not pregnant anymore' again, I wanted everything to happen naturally.

So basically, when the hormone level drops to almost nothing, my cervix will start to open and my body will start to expel everything in my womb. This could take anything from 10-14 days and throughout that time, I will be bleeding heavily and it could be quite painful.

These pains started last night and are continuing today, although I havent actually started bleeding yet, but I'm sure it wont be too much longer before that starts too.

Patrick is taking it very hard, much harder than any of the previous losses we have suffered. It has been such a long process to get to the stage where we could actually say that 'we're having a baby', and gosh were we excited. Patrick was in the middle of painting the nursery and I had even ordered the perfect curtains for the perfect baby's room, we were so looking forward to being parents.

But, once again, our dream has been ripped from us. We had 6 wonderful weeks of being pregnant, 21 fantastic days of knowing that our baby was in my womb, 13 of the most superb days knowing that our baby had attached and was growing in my womb and now we are left with a life time of knowing that, once again, our little one has been robbed from our clutches, we were so close, just so so close.

It just isnt fair!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'll post details later or in a few days, but for now the news is that the hormone levels are dropping very fast, which means that the embryo is dying and there is nothing anyone can do.

Once the levels drop below a certain level, which will probably happen this evening or early tomorrow, my cervix will open and I will start bleeding very heavily, this will be my body expelling the embryo, the placenta and the womb lining.

The Health System in this Country...!!!

I started bleeding again last night, so we left for the hospital and arrived there at around midnight.

We had to wait in the maternity visiting room for a bit, while we were waiting for the Dr to arrive.
So, after about 15 minutes some guy comes in with a packet of cigarettes in his hand 'Mind if I smoke?'

eh........this is a maternity ward and I am pregnant, of course I bloody mind if you smoke...!!!

I got up and let the room and after a few minutes of waiting in the corridor, one of the nurses came and called me.

The bleeding had settled down a bit by this stage, but they decided to keep me in anyway just to be safe.

So, I was put into a ward with two mad oul biddies who kept shouting out in their sleep...!!!

This morning the Dr.s came around and said that they should have the results back by around 2pm.
I honestly thought 2pm was never going to come around, but it did and it passed.

I called Patrick and told him to come down, that we should have the results in the next few minutes.

Patrick arrived around 3pm and still no sign of the results. We waited for about 45 minutes and then a nurse came in to tell us that they have the blood results from Sunday but were still waiting for the results from Friday to compare them and see what the progression was.
I asked her what the HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels on Sunday were and she told me they were 101.7, which is a bit lower than average but is still within the normal range for the time frame. She told me that it would be about another 30 minutes before they would have Friday's results.

That was about all I could take, I broke down and cried, I just couldnt handle any more waiting and not knowing...!!!

About 50 minutes later, another nurse came in and said that the Dr. wanted to do another scan.

While I was on the scanning table, with the probe shoved up my you-know-what, another nurse broke the news to us that they had not been able to locate the results from Friday. She said she had been on the phone to the lab in Waterford and they had no record of them, she then said that she called the lab in the Hospital in Clonmel and they were unable to locate them.

So basically right now, we dont have a bloody clue what is going on...!!!

The nurse then told us that I would have to come back tomorrow to have more bloods taken, which would then be sent away and we would have the results on Wednesday evening which they would compare with the results of the bloods from Sunday to see what the progression is like!

NO BLOODY WAY...!!!

I told her that I will go to Cork in the morning and they will take the bloods and have the results back for me within an hour.

I am so drained and fed up right now, it is the hardest thing in the world not knowing whether my baby is growing inside me or not, I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take...

Playing This Waiting Game...!!!

I have had no more pain or bleeding since 10pm on Friday night, although that hasnt stopped me running to the loo every 5 minutes just to make sure. I've even stopped myself from sneezing on several occassions for fear that sneezing will cause me to start bleeding again.

We went down to the hospital this morning to have some more bloods taken, and of course all of my veins decided to hide. So after a few minutes of playing 'stick the needle into the patient' the nurse decided that the only place to get it would be the main vein on the inside of my wrist..........the exact same place that was bruised because the canula was put in there on Friday.....so yeah, that hurt a bit...!!!

Anyway, she eventually got the blood that she needed and said that they would ring me tomorrow at 4pm, when the results come back and hopefully the hormones will have increased since Friday.

So, for now I am waiting anxiously, I keep talking to my little one, telling him/her to 'hang in there'.
I've had some visitors today, so that was really nice and apart from that I have just been resting on the couch with my feet up...(oh yeah, and running to the loo every five minutes...just to be sure...!!!)
.
Having all of my loyal readers thinking positive has worked so far along this journey, so everybody ..........

Think 'Hormonal'

.xx.

Threatened Miscarriage

Ok so Thursday evening I had some cramping and shooting pains in my lower abdomen, which I just passed off as a tummy bug as Liam had been sick with a bug.

Yesterday lunchtime I had really bad pains and when I went to the bathroom, I was bleeding very very heavily. I called the Clinic in Cork and they told me to go to the nearest maternity unit as soon as possible.

We went to Clonmel straight away and the silence in the car on the way there was just deafening. We were both so convinced that I was miscarrying, we couldn't speak.

By the time we got to Clonmel I was losing a lot of blood.

They took me to the gynae emergency room and did an internal scan but I was bleeding too much, they couldnt see anything on the scan.

The Dr. then did a speculum exam (holy crap...that thing never gets easier...the pain of it...!!!), which showed that the cervix was still closed.

The Dr. then informed us that I was experiencing a threatened miscarriage which could go either way, they took some bloods and said that they would repeat the blood test on Sunday to compare the hormone levels, which will tell us whether the baby is alive or not and if he/she is alive, whether the pregnancy is progressing or whether the baby has stopped growing.

We will have the results of both tests on Monday.

So, they kept me in hospital last night, gave me some pethidine for the pain (which I was assured several times, would not have any effect on the baby or the pregnancy). The bleeding got less and less and eventually stopped around 10 pm and hasn't started again since.
The pain also settled last night, apart from a few twinges but I have been feeling those ever since the embryo transfer so I am not worried about those.

For now, I have just gotten home and am on complete bedrest with my feet up, we will go back to the hospital tomorrow for the blood tests and if all is ok, I will be on bedrest for a few weeks until we are out of the danger zone.

People keep asking how I am feeling and the honest answer is that I really don't know. I am completely on auto-pilot. We are hoping for the best, but we are so aware and conscious of my history of miscarriages, that subconsciously I think we are both preparing ourselves for yet more bad news, while holding onto any tiny bit of hope that our little baby will fight to hold on. We feel that he/she has defied all of the odds this far,that maybe, just maybe he/she will pull through this obstacle too.

We will never forget the day the Queen of England came to Cashel...!!!