'Not the Mama'

I have been having a really tough time lately, and to top it all off...I'm ill with a chest and throat infection and still having a lot of pain from the ectopic pregnancy. Dr took lots of bloods today, so hopefully we will have a better idea of what is going on when the results come back.

I had a beautifully vivid dream last night...or early this morning to be more precise. I dreamt that I was in labour...very very vivid labour, and I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy. He had the brightest blue eyes and although in the dream we had already decided what we were going to call him...when he arrived, we just couldnt think of a name special enough to suit him. Anyway...it was continuing to be a beautiful dream and everything I ever wanted until Patrick arrives, the proud Dad and picks the baby up...who then snaps at Patrick's nose in a Dinosaur style 'not the mama' motion. It then became very clear that it was a dream and I woke up in tears at the fact that once again...it wasnt to happen.

As many of you will know by now...Ive had some rather horrid messages from a certain person, these messages have not bothered me and have not caused my desire to continue with this blog to diminish in any way. It has however shown me the kind of support that I have out there in the world. The amount of people who jumped to my defense and to that of this blog, both on here and on Facebook and in private messages. It really is lovely to see, and it is so meaningful to me that people continue to read and support this blog...even though the story seems never ending.

I went to see Gordon last Wednesday, primarily because I needed my receipts for Tax purposes, but we ended up sitting and chatting for quite a while. He used the analogy of a car crash that just keeps on happening. 'its like you had a car accident and then the ambulance that came to bring you to hospital crashed into a wall and then the next ambulance drove off a cliff, each time it gets worse and at some point you realise that travelling by vehicle is not working out right now, so how about walking for a while?'

And he is right, because if I just 'walk' for a while, then I am in control of how everything is happening, I am in control of what we do and the pace at which we do it, I am not a passenger in a vehicle that is being driven erratically, with the hope that I arrive at my destination safely but the outcome constantly being the exact opposite.

My immune system is quite badly compromised from the chemotherapy, hence being so ill right now but I am on antibiotics to fight the infections, and after we chatted on Wednesday, Gordon said that he felt I would benefit from a session of acupuncture...during which he worked on points that would hopefully help with the panic attacks that I am still having.

My GP gave me some meds to help with these today, but I dont think I am going to take them (unless I really really need them) because I know that this is a phase that will pass and I am the worst in the world for taking tablets unless I absolutely need to!

So...for now...I am under strict orders from my GP and from Gordon to 'Just rest', so...that is the plan...for a few days anyway...at least until I am starting to feel a bit better.