Untitled...!!!

Isn't it funny how we try to fool ourselves...???

After coming from Cork on Tuesday I went straight to work and stayed there all day.......I worked all day Wednesday, I went to Cork for a scan yesterday and yes, you guessed it...I went straight back to work and stayed there all day and today again, a 10 hour day...just to keep my mind occupied.

I spent all week trying to convince everyone (and myself) that I'm actually fine, I'm doing ok. I'm much stronger this time and I am able to cope with this.

Except..............unfortunately...there comes a time when there is no more paperwork to redo just for the sake of it, there are no more reports to review for a third time...just in case I might have missed something the first two times. There comes a time when you have to come home from work, knowing you are going home to an empty house, knowing that at some point you are going to run out of distractions.

The fear of not having these pseudo-distractions, dominated only by the sheer panic of knowing that this is going to hit me, I am going to have to deal with this and it is not going to be easy.

I've done it so many times before, I was certain that I could just go through the motions this time and get on with things and just not let it affect me.

900 channels and nothing on, nobody on Facebook to chat to, that familiar knot begins to form in my stomach and it takes me a few minutes to realise what is causing it. I flick through the channels again...there must be something I can watch...anything..............but no...you see...there isn't anything that can stop this from happening. There isn't anything that can prevent me from once again having my heart ripped out and have it broken in half right before my eyes, knowing that eventually it will be replaced back into my chest...the problem being though...that once something has been broken, it never truly fits properly ever again.

I've laughed off the knowing looks of my friends all week....my real friends...the people who see past my facade and know that its all going to come crashing down, no matter how hard I try to avoid it.

Well, my dear friends..........you were right!

That knot in my stomach escalates to an unignorable level and I notice a warm tear rolling down my cheek.

I panic...I cannot go through this again! This stupid television...why can't there just be something on...???

The truth though, is that it wouldn't matter what was on the television tonight. My two little angels need me to deal with this and to let them go.

As I lay here, fighting to see the screen through my tears, knowing that as each of my real friends read this, they will want to know why I didnt just pick up the phone and call them, because every single one of them will feel this pain for me...............but tonight...this pain is all mine, it belongs to me and over the next few days as my body expels what could have been our beautiful twins and the physical pain escalates to the point where I honestly believe that it cant get any worse (and it will!), I will be comforted, if only slightly, by the fact that the physical pain is the easy part!

I hate to admit it, but I am beginning to lose hope. How many more times do I have to go through this before I can hold my own baby in my arms?...Will I ever hold my own baby in my arms...???