Strength is . . .

Gordon said to me today 'You are one of the strongest people I know, but today you are weak'.

This completely threw my whole perception. You see....I thought I was being strong, or at least I was trying to be. Going to work, putting on a front, pretending that I am fine, refusing to deal with what is actually going on.

I arrived at Gordon's clinic today, after coming from the Fertility Clinic. I was stressed beyond belief, I was exhausted, irritable and just completely pissed off. I was at the point where I just was not even able to talk. Gordon commented that he has never seen me so tense.

After two and a half hours of mimicking a pin cushion, being made to talk and externalise what was going on inside of me, having my buttons pushed, questionning and eventually breaking down and crying..........I finally was stronger, because I had been taking the easy way out by not dealing with what was going on, and that made me weak.

I left Gordon's clinic today, and I was a different person to the person who walked in two and a half hours earlier. In that short period of time I had been made to deal with what might have taken me months to deal with had I kept going the way I was going.

I am feeling completely different now. I feel like I will finally get some decent sleep tonight, so yeah...definitely a good change.

I have to go back to the Fertility Clinic on Sunday for another scan and all going well, I think we will have 2 more embryos implanted towards the end of next week. I know this might sound like we are rushing back into this...but there is a method to my madness.......I am on medication which contain high levels of hormones from the previous transfer, and the come-down off of those hormones is just horrid, not to mention the uncertainty of waiting for my cycle to return and stabilise, so I made the decision this time that I will not go through that. I decided that I would stay on the hormones after the miscarriage and would have another implantation done as soon as possible.

We have four embryos left in cyropreservation in Cork, we had eight, we implanted one during the first transfer, one died during the thawing process of the second transfer, during which we transferred two embryos, so this time we will also have two transferred.

I know it is going to be a rough road emotionally, both dealing with what I have just gone through and dealing with the fears and uncertainties of a new transfer and all of the risks that it poses.

For now though, I need an early night and I need some decent sleep. Today turned out to be a very good day emotionally for me, I let go of a lot of the pain I was hanging on to. I know there will be some tough days in the next few weeks, some days where I will return to old habits of suppressing how I am feeling and not externalising, there will be lots of days when I will be weak again....but today.....Today, I am Strong.