2011.......

This time last year, after what I thought was the worst year ever...I put the folllowing as my Facebook status...

"For the past 2 years on New Year's Eve, I have said the next year just has to be better than

the last...........I was wrong both times.... so 2011..........do your worst, I'm ready for ya...!!!"

Boy.....was I wrong...!!!

2011 has been a year of loss, of illness, of grief, of despair, of heartbreak. It's been 12 months of tragic occurances, each one more soul destroying than the last.

As we see out the end of 2011, we find ourselves in a Limbo of sorts. We both still want children so badly, but we are both so painfully aware of the fact that no matter which road we take on the journey from here to parenthood....it is not going to be easy, and we know that we risk enduring more of the same in the process.

The pain and grief of losing seven babies, and more prominently the five that we have lost in 2011, will always be there, but it seems to have become something that words cannot do justice to anymore. It's like it's just there, it's always there and we know it is. It has become a part of who we are and when we see new babies or pregnant women, or when we see storylines on TV about characters losing babies....... I shed silent tears which run down my face and Patrick goes quiet and picks at the skin on his hands. We don't vocalise how much it hurts anymore...because we don't need to...we both know and we both know that words could never describe that pain.

And when that moment has passed and my tears have fallen and Patrick has picked that piece of skin off his hands...we share a glance and we take eachother's hand... because....... we just know.

For 2012... we haven't made any plans (apart from a fabulous trip to Florida and a Caribbean cruise), we are not able to plan forward anymore so when we get back from our holiday...we are going to take things day by day and just see what happens.

So...whether you spend the last minutes of 2011 in a crowded pub, or just with close friends or family, or perhaps just with one special person, I hope you take a moment to accept a heartfelt 'Thank you' from me, because although I may not know you and we may never have met...the fact that you are reading this makes you one of the positive aspects of my 2011.

Have a Wonderful New Year's Eve and all the very best for 2012.xx.

(Oh...and if 2011 has taught me anything.....it's never EVER challenge destiny.......

That bitch takes no prisoners...!!!)