Merry Christmas (Well...Kinda...!!!)

So...the Christmas Eve madness seems to have settled a bit (Thank God), all the presents are wrapped and ready and my final task for this evening was to post a Merry Christmas message to everyone who reads this blog.

I kinda felt that I would just post a brief feel-good message so as not to dampen the generic 'good spirits' of the season, but I have just been reminded of the original purpose an reason for starting this blog in the first place...to be true to myself and express truthfully, honestly and openly how things really are...and if truth be told.......... I usually absolutely love Christmas and everything that comes with it...but this year.... I am hating every second of it because every little thing reminds me of the hell that this year has been and how it all should be so different.

Christmas shopping (anyone who knows me...knows that I live for shopping...!!!)...but this year...all I saw was people yelling at their kids, stressed out parents getting cross with their kids for being too excited while they rush around the shopping centre trying to pick up the last minute must-haves, people dragging their kids through grocery stores, Families queuing impatiently at Santa grottos and then aggrevated parents getting annoyed with their little ones because after they have queued for so long, the little darlings decide that they were actually afraid of the man in red and didnt want to go and see him after all.
Two weeks ago we went shopping in the Crescent Shopping Centre in Limerick and after an hour, I told Patrick that I just wanted to go home. I didnt see the joy in Christmas shopping and choosing gifts for people this year (I'm not saying it wasnt there...just I was unable to see it), I couldnt enjoy it, it was a chore...something I had to do rather than something I wanted to do.

Christmas decorations.....well Patrick took them down from the attic at the beginning of December...and well...they are still in boxes...I just havent been able to bring myself to put them up, I'm not really sure why...but something stops me everytime I think about doing it.
Again...decorating the house is something that I usually love to do, something I look forward to doing and I usually hate when January arrives and it is time to take down the decorations...but this year...again, it seems like a chore and I just cannot bring myself to open those boxes and decorate the house.

We went shopping this morning with the intent of me picking something that I want for Christmas from Patrick. I usually have a list of things that I want...but this year...it wasnt that I couldnt think of something that I wanted...I genuinely did not want anything. Everything just seemed so material to me.
Patrick pointed out lots of nice sparkly things...things that I usually would have just had to have...but today...I just felt like...yes, those are very pretty and yes, they will make me happy for about 5 minutes...but then the initial feeling is gone and they will just be yet another material thing that will, in truth, mean nothing in the greater scheme of things.

I know I'm sounding like a proper Grinch now, but I just cannot bring myself to get into the spirit of joy and happiness this year and this is both brought on and compounded by one main contributing factor;
I thought I was doing really well...and finally starting to cope with all that has happened but there was one factor that I didnt really ever consider...On the three occassions this year that I have been pregnant...I shared similar due-dates with several people that I know... friends, people I know through work...etc... even though I see these people on a weekly basis and have seen their pregnancies grow and develop...I guess it kinda slipped my mind that they will have their babies to hold at the end of their pregnancies.
According to my iphone app (which has recently started giving me weekly updates on how my 'pregnancy' is progressing...!!!)... from my April transfer...I would now be just over 36 weeks pregnant... I know 4 people who got pregnant right around the same time as I did then... two of those people have had their babies in the past week and the other two are due very very shortly..................and it is absolutely killing me!
I am so happy for them, but gosh...it is so difficult for me...I find myself fighting tears a lot recently and you know what...it isnt jealousy or envy or even me feeling sorry for myself...its just pure raw grief and emotion and trying to make sense of it all, and I know that I will continue to experience these feelings until the 16th of January (actual due date) and again in April and May when the babies from my second and third transfers would have been due, but I guess we will just cross that bridge when we come to it.

For now...I hope everyone does have a wonderful Christmas and I hope that reading this has not brought anyone down but instead has caused you, if just for a second...to cast a thought of appreciation for all the wonderful things you do have in life. Even though I do not have what I really really want, and even though I am finding this time of year very tough this year... I am very grateful for all my wonderful friends, for my family and for all the people who will read this post and just understand.

Merry Christmas Everyone.xx.