Home Six Days

Ok so...I am home from hospital 6 days now and unfortunately my levels seem to have stopped at 47 and don't seem to be dropping any further. I have to  go back to the hospital tomorrow to have my levels tested again and if they have not dropped to below 5, we will have to repeat the chemotherapy......which we really really do not want to do.

Unfortunately, the drugs used in chemotherapy do not just attack embryonic cells...they attack any cells in the body that develop quickly, so they have attacked the cells in my nose, mouth and throat, causing lots of ulcers and blisters. It has also attacked my hair, causing it to become very brittle and parts of it are just breaking off.......so, we really do not want to repeat the chemotherapy process!

Yesterday, I got very worried that I am still in a lot of pain as I really thought it would have started to subside by now, but Patrick told me that the surgeon had said that it could be 4 or 5 weeks before I begin to notice any decrease in pain levels.

I know many people could argue that I did not cope well on previous occassions, but I am really really not coping well this time. I think that on previous occassions I always had it in my head that we would go straight back and try again, but this time...knowing that we will not be going straight back...it feels very final and that is very very hard to accept.

I am kind of flitting between being upset and being angry. Yesterday, I was watching telly and one of those ads came on about the starving children in Africa and asking people to send 'just £3 a month...'. The picture showed a woman who was clearly starving and malnourished, holding her baby....this made me so angry. I wasnt angry that they were looking for help or support....I was angry that she was starving and malnourished and had no prenatal care and yet she managed to get pregnant and give birth to a relatively healthy baby.

I know it may not be rational thought, but this blog has always been about writing truthfully and honestly from the heart and espressing how I am feeling and what is going through my head as we go along this rollercoaster of a path that has been laid before us.

However, we have just realised (or been forced to realise) that the rollercoaster is not the only amusement at this fair that we call Life, so we are going to take a break from the rollercoaster, a long-term break.

We're just going to enjoy the 'Fair' for a while.