Finally Some Good News

So... we've just arrived back from a fantastic holiday and there is so much I want to write about, but I'm having a hard time with jet lag, so will get to writing a detailled post in a few days.

For now though I just wanted to let you all know that we finally got our chromosome results from The Kilkenny Clinic today..... and I am chromosomally 100% normal..... i.e. there is no underlying chromosomal issue that means I would be unable to carry a pregnancy to full term.

The ferility nurse will contact us in the next day or two to make an appointment to review our situation and discuss the best path to take from this point.

For now though..... I've got some sleeping to catch up on, but we are very, very happy with this news.

Perhaps 2013 will be our year after all.xx.

Christmas Time... Mistletoe and Crying.....

So...... Christmas then............ Ok... I had a really really hard time in the weeks coming up to Christmas. I guess Christmas is always a hard time for me. The first baby that I ever miscarried was due on Christmas Eve 2007, and would have turned 5 this year......... and with all that has happened since then..... meh, Christmas is just horrible for me.

At work... Christmas is huge, we pull out all of the stops to make Christmas so special for every single child and their families and I love that, I really really do, its all so special and so perfect and it makes me think about how we will do Christmas in our house when we have kids......

I was doing quite well on Christmas Eve, got through it without getting too upset, well except a little bit when I was chatting to one of my best friends and I made a promise to myself that this would be the last year that there are no children in our house for Christmas.

Christmas Day.......... well..... that was a different story. I woke up and was feeling ok........ and then I logged into Facebook....... BIG MISTAKE...!!!!!!! Every post on there was about all my friends and the wonderful time they were having with their kids, how much fun they were having with what Santa brought...... most of them accompanied by beautiful photographs of beaming children.

The tears started and I actually felt my heart crumbling in my chest.... and it hurt, it physically hurt.
I cried and cried for ages, sobbing uncontrollably. It is just so terribly unfair. I wanted to go back to bed and stay there til all of the merriment had passed, I felt like a proper Scrooge... and actually I guess I really did feel like a proper Scrooge..... I started to think about how much I used to love Christmas and how I'd have the tree and the decorations taken down from the attic in November some time and how Patrick and I would argue about when was too early to put them up and how much was 'too much', and how I used to hate having to take down the tree and the decorations............ then I got to thinking about how different things are now and how much I absolutely hate Christmas Day, and how we havent even put up a tree for the past two years because it was just too hard for us to face even doing that much................ then I began to think about the promise I had made to myself the night before.. that this would be the absolute last Christmas without a child in our house, and I began to think about how future Christmasses might be, but I couldnt allow my mind to wander too far in that direction, I think I was subconsciously protecting myself from creating a false sense of hope (I am the absolute master of thinking that if I say something and create an ultimatum for myself, well then it has to happen). Life has most certainly taught me that this is not the case...!!!

I then logged into Twitter, where I follow and am followed-by a lot of fertility related people and companies, one in particular had simply tweeted 'so, anyone else finding today really really difficult?', I responded to her saying that it was one of the hardest days ever for me and I'd spent most of the morning crying. We chatted a bit back and forth and that support was really great, knowing that other people were feeling exactly how I was feeling, they understood because they are in the exact same situation as I am in. So yeah.... Christmas was hard...!!!!!!!

As we approach New Year's Eve, I think back on the events of the year and how this time last year I said that things just could not be worse in 2012 than they had been in 2011. For once I was right, things certainly were not as bad in 2012 as they were in 2011.... that's not really to say that things were very good in 2012... just not as bad as the previous year.

What 2012 held for us..... A fantastic holiday to Florida... from which I returned home pregnant (naturally)..... an ectopic pregnancy which resulted in extensive ovarian surgery... from which I am still suffering pain, we received results that the condition of Patrick's sperm has gotten so much worse that it is at the worst that it could possibly be and there is no hope of reversing this condition, we went ahead with a double transfer which resulted in a double miscarriage, I suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns which will leave me scarred for life, I am having ongoing problems with cysts and ovarian pain.

What 2013 holds for us...... Another fantastic holiday to Florida, on which I am planning on having the time of my life. We are still awaiting results from The Kilkenny Clinic, which will tell us what options (if any) that we have going forward, We have been looking into fostering and adoption and depending on the results from The Kilkenny Clinic... those might be on the cards for us much sooner than we had expected. And really... well, I have no idea what else 2013 might hold for us.

Apart from my very good friends Rachel and Mary, and the online support I have received which has just been overwhelming, I cannot finish this end-of-year post without mentionning the person who has been most instrumental in keeping me sane over the past 12 months, and that person is Gordon, my acupuncturist. When I think of how many times during this year that I have called or emailled him and told him that I'm not in a good 'place', and his response has always been 'come down, we'll fix it', and you know what.... he has fixed it, every single time, The emails I've sent him ranting and raving and well, just venting about how much I hate the world and how everything just isn't fair and well... basically me being hormonal and irrational and I have never once gotten a response from him that didn't make me feel better, The two occasions that he travelled up here to treat me when I was post-op and couldn't travel to Cork for treatment, The phone calls between him and Patrick when they have been concerned about how I am doing. I have had a rough year both physically and emotionally, and I genuinely believe that I have gotten through it in the way that I have because of this support and moreso the availability of this support. I believe that angels walk this Earth and I am convinced that one operates from the Aculife Clinic in Cork, in the form of Gordon Mullins.

To Rachel, to Mary, to Gordon, to all my online supporters, to everyone who reads this blog, to all my facebook and twitter friends who keep up-to-date with how we are doing, to everyone who has ever taken one second to hope or pray that this will happen for us and to everybody out there who is on a similar journey to us........ Thank you all so much for you support, wishes, prayers, mesages..... just thank you for being there.

A lot of people expect 2013 to be a year of bad luck... but its gotta be the opposite for us.... right???????

Happy New Year Everyone xx

I Would Die For That.......

Gordon showed me this video today, and it just encapsulates and explains my thoughts, feelings and emotions, more than I ever could explain with words. I watched it again when I got home and the tears just haven't stopped flowing........ its beautiful and perfect... and absolutely heartbreaking.
 I actually would die for that.......

Time Is A Great Healer

Patrick and I went to Limerick on Sunday to do some Christmas shopping, we had a lovely day out and got everything that we wanted to get... a successful day shopping-wise, but an even more successful day in another way......

We went into a shop to get a gift for Patrick's niece who is just three months old, and it was only when we were stading in the queue for what seemd like forever, that I realised what shop I was in and the impact that shops like that used to have on me. We were standing in the queue in Mothercare, surrounded by pregnancy and baby related items and pregnant women and couples with new babies, It should have been an absolute nightmare, but it wasnt, it was actually fine (well, apart from the fact that it took forever to actually get served). I was even comfortable enough to look around that shop, to admire a beautiful nursery set... the one that I know I will just have to have when the time comes.

Time really does heal all wounds, I'm finding myself being genuinely happy for my friends who have recently told me that they are pregnant, and I mean genuinely  happy, not feigned 'happiness' tainted with the usual tinge of sadness or regret that it should be me, just really happy for them and looking forward to sharing this journey with them.

I have come to realise that I can't make this happen for me, on my schedule, I also realise that I am in no great hurry for this to happen, its not like I am 38 and am running out of time, I am 28 and I have time.

We jumped into the ICSI/IVF process when I was just 25 and at that point I wanted it to happen and I wanted it to happen NOW, I never for a second thought that it wouldnt work out, never mind remotely imagined that what actually happened would have been the outcome.  So... the realisation that I actually have time and dont have to rush this process, is quite a welcome one.

We went to visit the Kilkenny Fertility Clinic and the Dr. we met there... well.... she kinda made me panic about how much time I have left to embark on this journey, as in... she made me feel like I was running out of time and needed to act on this quite quickly. I brought this notion to Gordon and his response..... 'Anne-Marie, 90% of the women who attend my clinic would pull both of their arms off to be where you are timewise' , so that was enough to put my mind at ease regarding time.

We have been to have some more tests done, at the request of the Dr. in Kilkenny, one test in particular, a chromosome test which should have been done before we ever started any IVF treatment, will reveal whether I am actually able to carry a pregnancy past 8 weeks. There may be a chromosomal issue which would most likely put an end to our fertility journey, so we are waiting for the results of these tests to come back before we even begin to think about where we might go from here.

There's been a few setbacks over the past few weeks, with notes being misplaced and bloods being mixed up and that kind of thing, but I've made a conscious decision to laugh these things off, because there are just more important things in life that warrant getting stressed and upset over, than basic human error.

I guess my thinking has shifted a bit, and I'm attributing this to something a very good friend of mine said to me while I was doing my whole 'While adoption is an option, I'm not ready to give up on carrying my own baby' speech. She asked me which was more important... to carry a child for 9 months, or have one for the rest of my life? It really got me thinking, and while I still feel that I am not ready to give up on the whole trying to get pregnant thing..... it has become less of the focus now, and I do realise that there are other options available to us.

That is pretty much everything that has been going on with me lately, and I'll post again when I find out the results of the tests.

.xx.

Cyber-Bullying, Its Not Just For Kids

Ok, I know I've not posted in a while, and that is really because I didn't really feel that I had much to write about. I've not felt up to even thinking about where we go from here in relation to our fertility journey, never mind try to write about it.
This post is not going to be fertility related either, it is about something that has been bothering me recently, and is very prominent in recent times.

I wanted to write about the whole area of 'cyber-bullying'. I recently became aware of ask.fm and the very disturbing stories of two young teenagers who commited suicide because they were being bullied on that anonymous social networking site. How sad is it that two young girls, completely unconnected to eachother, apart from suffering a similar fate, should feel that they have no way out, that things are so terrible, that they took their own lives. Their pages on that site are accessible to anyone, and it is sickening to read the things that were being said to them.
When I initially heard about it, I thought some of it could be down to immaturity of the posters and an almost 'herd' mentality that sometimes accompanies puberty and being a teenager(well, if everyone else is doing it...etc), Someone even mentioned that 'kids can be so cruel to eachother', and while this is true, unfortunately it is not confined to teenagers.

A good friend of mine recently started noticing things being written about them on the internet, nasty things with no truth to them, nor any apparent agenda for them being posted... again on anonymous forums. Blatant lies that could have been very damaging to this person and their livelihood. Luckily on consultation with the forum administrator, the posts were removed quite quickly and hopefully with minimum damage, but the site admin said that unfortunately, that sort of thing was a daily occurance.

I spoke with this friend yesterday and the conversation turned to this cyber-bullying. They told me how frustrated it made them feel, how violated and unfairly they felt they were being treated, how utterly unnecessary it all was and how scary it is that anyone, anywhere can join a forum anonymously and say anything they want about anyone, with no gauge or regard for how true or otherwise the content might be.

They then made the statement that if it affected them so much, as a grown adult who is both confident and comfortable with who they are and what they are doing with their life, can you imagine how something like that could affect a young teenager, who is at such an awkward time in their lives anyway.

I've had some people post anonymous messages on this blog from time to time, some of which haven't been very nice, but I guess I've always been of the opinion that if someone doesn't like what I write.... I'm not forcing anyone to read it.

I just find the whole thing rather frightening, I can see how it happens but gosh, I will never understand why it happens, kids being mean to eachother is one thing, and while it does happen, measures should be taken to ensure that it never gets to the stage of anyone feeling that they have to take their own life over something that has been said to them online, but I will never understand why grown adults will take to anonymous forums, with no reason or agenda but to cause trouble for another human being.

I, for one, would hope that if someone had something to say about me, that they would pick up the phone, email, text, or whatever the channel of communication... and they would say it TO me, not about me on the world wide web for all to see........

Ten Candles

My first post in more than 2 months… here goes…….

 

I managed to get myself to a place where I found a balance within myself, I found that I didn’t have to let things upset me just because they were baby-related. I found that I could be around pregnant people and not have it bother me as much as it used to. Most of all, I found that I was able to identify what and who were really important in my life, I found I was able to focus on what was really important and the people who are really important in my life, and by removing the people and things that were causing me unnecessary stress, I found that I was much happier and much more at ease.

 

I have had a bad couple of weeks lately though. It started on the 2^nd of October, exactly a year after the ectopic pregnancy/ losing twins/ emergency surgery/ chemotherapy episode and I found that it affected me a lot more than I thought it would, I was genuinely upset at the memories. It surprised me that it did upset me so much because I had thought that I had reached a place where I could almost chose what upsets me and what doesn’t….. turns out I was wrong…!!!

 

On top of that, it just seems that its one person after another having their babies right now and while I am so happy for each and every one of them, it just compounds for me that it is them and not me. I find myself having to continually remind myself that my time will come, and while I still genuinely believe that it will… the constant reminder that it is not going to happen anytime soon is very very difficult for me.

 

I emailed Gordon this morning to tell him I was having a crap time, he rang me straight away… Ok, so I got told off for allowing myself to be feeling emotionally crap for 2 weeks and not contacting him sooner, but he then reminded me that I am only human and my past will always be a part of me and there will always be times when I feel down or upset. He also reminded me that having a bad day is normal and it is only important to notice how quickly you come out of your bad day, but sometimes when your bad days become bad weeks and the next day does not seem any brighter than the last… that it is ok to ask for help.

 

I haven’t been to see Gordon for quite a while, I haven’t needed to. I had been doing so great emotionally and physically that I was almost constantly in the state that I usually leave Gordon’s clinic in, and I think it was because of that… that I didn’t contact him this time when I noticed that this was more than just a bad day. He reminded me that ‘me not needing him’ is actually a good thing, but I guess I just felt bad that I hadn’t really been in touch.

 

So today is the 15^th of October, International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Those of you who have followed this blog will remember last year when I posted a picture of seven lighting candles. Parents of angel babies around the world light candles for their little angels from 7-8pm on the 15^th of October every year.

 

This year, I have ten candles lighting, one for each of our little angels, it is unfortunate that we have had to add another three candles this year but here’s hoping that we will just be lighting 10 candles again next year.xx.

 

 

Just Wanted To Share...

I have opened this page so many times over the past week, so many times I have wanted to write on here... but I just couldnt, the words would not come to me. I am still in the midst of attempting to process all that has happened in the past 2 weeks and there is so much I need to write about, but I'm just not able to right now.

I do, however, want to share something with you. I received something in the post this morning, something that is so very special... all I could do was stare at it. It is something that I will treasure forever because it is the perfect way to symbolise the two little angels that I have just lost.

This gift came from somebody that I don't know very well or for very long, but this person has shown a great interest in my story and has been a fantastic source of support in recent times.

All I can say is

Thank You.xx.

A Crazy Series Of Events.......

So...after what can only be described as an unbelievably crazy series of events.... I am suffering bigtime.

The burns are really bad, especially the ones on my arm.

This was taken yesterday morning at the hospital. I was unable to take pictures of the rest of the burns.

The burns on my side, back and leg arent quite as bad and they seem to be healing more quickly than the burns on my arm and the right side of my stomach, but unfortunately I had the hot water bottle on my stomach, under my arm when it burst so hence why those areas got so badly burned.

I am going to A&E every morning to have the burns reviewed and redressed. This morning was just horrific coz they had to scrape the top layer of skin and blisters off the surface of the burns with a knife-like implement. This especially hurt my arm and stomach as while all of the burns are raw, those areas are very deep and open.

I was talking to the nurse this morning at the hospital and we were just saying how unbelievably simple it is for things like this to happen. I have been using a hot water bottle to help with tummy cramps since I was about 9 years old and have never had any problems. I think I can safely say that there will never be a hot water bottle used in my house again...!!!

My body seemed to go into shock after I got burned on Sunday night and this seems to have caused the process of miscarrying to stop for a bit.  I havent had any cramps or contractions since Sunday night, nor have I felt my cervix dilating any further. I have started to feel some light cramps just in the past few hours, so I think maybe things are starting to happen again.

Really not looking forward to the amount of pain I will be in trying to cope with the pain of the burns along with the labour-like pain of miscarrying..................

You Won't Believe This..........

So.... my cervix started to dilate earlier and I was in a lot of pain.

Patrick got me a hot water bottle and I was snuggled up on the couch with my pillow and hot water bottle, when the hot water bottle burst.

I got absolutely roasted. The skin on my right elbow and forearm just like melted, it looks like melted plastic, and all down my stomach, back and my upper right leg is covered in blisters.

I had to go to A&E by ambulance, the pain was so bad the paramedic had to give me some gas to take the edge off of it on the way to the hospital.

Initially they covered the burns in a water gel which they left on for 30 minutes, they then removed that and covered them in a gauze. I have to go back tomorrow morning to have the dressings changed and to have the extent of the burns properly assessed, but for not it looks like 3rd degree burns on my right arm and upper leg, and 2nd degree burns on my stomach, side and back.

Honestly... I feel like a puppet on a string, and I'm sure if I wasn't so doped up on painkillers I would definitely be questionning why all of this is happening to me, but for now.... I'm just home and am going to try and find some way of getting relatively comfortable for the night.

I Can't Think Of A Title For This Post.

It seemed so ridiculously cruel and unfair that I should suffer morning sickness today. There is part of me that wishes I knew what it was that I did to deserve all of this.

I am having some pains today, so I think things might happen faster than I thought. The Dr. had said it could be about 3 days before I notice any pains.

So... now we play the waiting game... again.... waiting for my body to simulate labour and to expel the contents of my womb... once again, bringing our total number of angel babies to 10.

The only emotion I feel is numbness, this actually just cannot be happening again...!!!

Why.... Oh Why... Oh Why...???

Well... that was short lived.

We went to Cork this morning because I was having some pain in my left side and just wanted to completely rule out another ectopic pregnancy.

They did some blood tests to check how the levels are progressing.

Unfortunately, they are not progressing and they are dropping very fast.

I am miscarrying both embryos, the nurse said it will probably be just another 2 or 3 days and then I will start to lose them.

Words.......... they just dont exist..........

I Think......... Maybe..........

So...all in all..... I think I might be pregnant...!!!

Looking at the symptoms:

Headaches : Check

Raised Temperature : Check

Sore Boobs : Check

Stretching Pains : Check

Crazy Heartburn : Check

Fatigue : Check

Leg Cramps : Check

Lots of Sneezing : Check

Lower Back Pain : Check

Ovary Pain : Check

Heightened Sense of Smell : Check

Oh yeah..... and these................

:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

Day 2 Post Transfer

So its been two days since transfer and I'm having lots of Implantation symptoms, bloating, lower back pain, uterus pains, mild cramping, headaches......... all of these are really good signs as Implantation would be expected to happen before the end of today.

I'm happy with how I am feeling and am hoping that I will be feeling pure crap (for all the right reasons) by this time next week.

We really were impressed with the Clinic on Tuesday, they were very accomodating and pleasant and really contributed to making this experience a much more positive one than the last three.

I'm going back to work tomorrow for a bit, but will be taking it easy. I will try and keep busy though coz those feelings of 'how many more days til I can test?' are starting to creep in already...!!!

Medication-wise... I have finished the courses of Oxytetracycline and Medrone, I am continuing to take the highest doses of Fematab and Progesterone (I think these continue until the end of the first trimester), I started the Innohep injections and NuSeals Aspirin on Tuesday and have to continue those, along with the Metformin for 13 weeks (I think).

I really dont mind having to take all of these medications now, anything that helps this work out for us.

Patrick and I sat and watched two episodes of 'From Here To Maternity' last night, somethign we have not been able to do in a long, long time. In fact, we have not been able to watch any TV programmes that have anything to do with babies or pregnancy or anything like that in a long time, but last night... we were able to... and it just filled us with hope, every couple on there had their own story, each one had a journey... and in the end... they each left the hospital with their babies in the arms..... just like we will...!!!

Day 1 Post Transfer

Day one post transfer and I'm feeling surprisingly good. I'm having lots of pains, but good pains. I'm feeling quite tired and clammy today.

I have very little soreness compared to my previous transfers and am so filled with hope, even I am finding it difficult to believe how hopeful I am. From the moment we found out that both embryos had survived yesterday.... I was just filled with hope, my fears and anxieties just disappeared. I knew at that point that everything was going to be ok... and I still believe that.

I know I've been so up and down emotionally throughout this cycle that there was never a point where I truly believed that it will happen this time...... not until now, now there isnt a tiny part of me that even considers that this is not going to be the time that it works for us.

Apart from feeling hopeful, I em experiencing a very interesting calmness, not the usual nerves and anxiety that I experienced the previous times. I am embracing the cramps and pains and headaches... because I know they are good pains. I know that my two babies are inside of me and I know that they are doing everything they can to hang on in there...... and every twinge I feel is a twinge of hope... that maybe... just maybe everything will be fine this time.

Day 17..... Miracles Do Happen :-)

What an amazing day.

It started off pretty bad actually............ The clinic didn't have the right contact mumbers for either of us so I ened up having to call them at about 10:10... only to be told that one of the embryos had died and time will tell on the other one. I was pretty distraught at this.... it just seemed that in a split-second...... our chances of success had just been halved.

We went to see Gordon before the transfer and I really wasnt in a good place. He asked me to lay on the table as he felt I would benefit from some specific points. So... I stood up and what happened.....??? Yep... I twisted my ankle and fell over...... it just got worse and worse...!!!

Gordon used a lot of needles and used some pretty strong points. He also played a hypnosis track in the background and he left the room.... within a few minutes, all of my worries had melted away and I truly was just floating. He came back into the room after about 20 minutes and asked how I was... I think I told him to go away.... I was just so relaxed. He left me alone for about 10 more minutes.

When he came back in I asked him what that hypnosis track was as I wanted to see if I could download it and use it during the transfer...... Gordon picked up his iPod, handed it to me and told me to take it with me.

When we got to the clinic, we just had a few minutes to wait and then we were called to the theatre. We got all gowned up and were asked to wait in one of the recovery rooms, where we got the consents signed and the embriologist came to speak to us. She told us that we would be transferring 2 embryos.... we must have looked at her like she had 2 heads or something... so she explained to us that the embryo that initially hadnt survived, suddenly just sprung to life and while it is not as good quality as the other one, it is definitely viable and would definitely be worth transferring.

As soon as we heard this... we were on cloud 9, it was the exact boost of hope that we needed. We went into the theatre and I lay on the table, switched on Gordon's iPod and let myself float away. Patrick told me afterwards that the Dr. was talking to me the whole time and asking me questions and I was just completely unaware of it. I was in such a deep state of relaxation, that while I was aware of all of the sensations, I wasnt feeling any pain. In my head, I was comfortable and safe in Gordon's clinic and I truly was just floating. It was such a difference experience to the previous three transfers, where I was struggling and crying because it was just hurting so much, It was actually the most beautiful experience and it was over before I knew it.

We went back to Gordon's clinic afterwards and I was still just floating... so much that as soon as he put the needles in and left the room..... I fell asleep...!!!

We got home about 4pm and I fell asleep again for another hour.

I'm feeling a little discomfort but nothing compared to the usual pain and soreness I feel after transfer. I'm gona stay on bedrest for a day or two and give these two little embryos the best chance ever.

It has been an amazing day, a miraculous day... lets hope the miraculous continues to happen.xx.

Day 16.......... A Little Freak-Out

Day 16 and I can't believe its only like 14 hours away.....!!!!!

Ok.... so I had a little Freak-Out this evening. I was a bit unsettled about tomorrow anyway.... I had an appointment with Gordon at 4pm..... so I went down to Cork. I kinda thought I was doing sort-of ok.... but as soon as I walked into the treatment room and sat down on the super-comfy chair..... I just broke down.

I was in bits, a combination of being anxious and nervous and dreading the thought of how much it is going to hurt and needing to be certain that I was going ahead with this transfer for all the right reasons.

Ok... it was sooo bad... Gordon didnt even get to stick any needles into me today......... instead we just sat and talked and talked until I could finally see that I was doing this transfer for all of the right reasons and he quoted me from when I was in a better place and I said that if there is any chance that this transfer could be the one that works.... then it is worth taking that chance.

So...... we are doing this transfer tomorrow. We are seeing Gordon before and after the procedure.

Thinking I am probably not gona sleep very well tonight coz of how anxious I am feeling...............

Fingers crossed everyone.xx.

Day 15... So Far So Good

Day 15 and I started the next two medications yesterday, Medrone and Oxytatracycline. Am feeling ok on them, not having many undesirable effects... just mainly tiredness, some mild headaches and some abdominal pain. I havent been sleeping very well and when I do sleep... I seem to have the weirdest dreams.

I added a chat client to this blog yesterday, as was suggested by one of my regular readers.... if anyone has any questions or comments, please feel free to use the chat box on the right of the page.

I can't believe it is just 36 hours til we go through with this transfer... in some ways it has been the longest 2 weeks of my life..... in others, it has come around much faster than I expected.

Its funny... coz even though I have been through this three times before... I am still finding myself searching the internet for ways to make this transfer easier, trying to find a way to make it hurt less, trying to find a way to reassure myself that it will hurt... but it will be ok... even though I have done it three times before and while it hurt like crazy... I did survive and I did get through it.

I am hoping to bring my iPod into the operating theatre with me this time (pending Clinic's policy on this), I have downloaded the same music that Gordon plays during acupuncture sessions and I think that if I can lay on the operating table, close my eyes and listen to that music... somehow I can distance myself from what is actually going on in my nether regions.

One of the girls at work was asking me about the procedure on Friday and I told her to imagine stuffing a turkey for Christmas.... except, instead of opening the turkey and stuffing it with a spoon... you use a car-jack to open it and a shovel to stuff it. While that conjured up some pretty funny images in her head... In my mind... in it a fairly good description  of what takes place.


I really hope nobody who reads this is having turkey for dinner on Tuesday...........

Acupuncture SOS

So... This migraine was getting ridiculously bad and nothing was helping it at all. I remembered that Gordon had put tacks in my feet before but couldnt remember the exact points. I sent him a message to ask him and he rang me.

He instructed me over the phone on the placement of 5 tacks, one on the inside of each ankle, one on the outside of each ankle and one in the grove between the big toe and second toe on my left foot...... initially it didnt have any effect, the tack on the outside of my right ankle didnt feel right, so I moved it down slightly... and that must have been the exact right combination of points coz instantly I could feel the migraine just dissolve until it was completely gone.

Just unbelievable because I had suffered with it for most of the day.

Amazing, Just Amazing......

Day 12... Starting Progesterone

Its Day 12 and I started the progesterone this morning........... been suffering with the most awful migraine all afternoon, its been just really bad. I dont remember getting migraines from it before so it could be caused by something else but I suppose the next few days will tell.

We've got to go down to Cork again tomorrow to get bloods done... they need to be sure that neither of us has contracted HIV or anything like that before they transfer...!!!

Apart from that... there isnt much else going on. I'm going to have an early night tonight and hope that this migraine settles down. Once it does, I will insert the foot tacks for a few days and hopefully they will keep the migraines away coz I have to start some more hormones and other medications on Saturday.

Day 11..... Scan...... More Hormones... and Transfer Date

Day 11 and I had to increase the hormone doses again.... not finding it too difficult though, feeling much better than I did on the last increase. I am feeling tired, really tired but I find that I'm not sleeping very well, seem to be tossing and turning a lot at night. I wonder if this might be down to having to take the hormones when I'm going to bed so I must enquire as to whether it matters if I take them a bit earlier.

I went for scan today... a very difficult scan, unusually... the nurse located my left ovary with no problems but had serious difficulty finding my right ovary... she actually had to put her hand on my stomach and almost under my hip bone to guide the probe in further..... yeah... not very pleasant at all.... and extremely painful. I lay there with my eyes closed picturing myself in my most relaxed state at Gordon's clinic, trying to block out the pain... and suddenly I realised what I was doing.... I was sub-consciously rubbing the third knuckle on my right hand..... the exact point that Gordon had used as an anchor point during Monday's session.

My womb lining has reached adequate thickness so it looks good for going ahead with the transfer and they have scheduled for next Tuesday.

I went to see Gordon after my scan and had a lovely relaxing session with him. Weirdest thing though..... he used a point today on my right wrist... like near the base of my thumb. He has used this point once before and the exact same thing happened. When he inserted the needle... I felt the needle going in to the knuckle of my right index finger and not in the point where he actually put it.... He did explain it to me... something to do with movement of energy.... I dont fully remember what it was, but I will ask him when I see him next.

The next time I see Gordon it will be in direct preparation for the transfer. I will see him on Monday evening, then I will see him on Tuesday morning directly before the transfer and on Tuesday afternoon directly after the transfer... and if he is not completely sick of the sight of me by then... hopefully I will get a few sessions in during my two week wait.... so we can give these little ones the best possible chance of survival.

I'm feeling quite sore this evening from today's scan but my emotions have completely settled down in relation to this transfer. Gordon asked me today if I was feeling any anxiousness about it and I quite honestly told him that I wasnt. He told me he was really proud of how far I had come and he said that there had been a few times in the past 2 weeks when he wasnt so sure that I would get to this point this time... and to be honest... neither was I...!!!

All is good now though and my emotions are in the right place... apart from dreading Round 4 of Me Vs The Speculum... I'm really feeling very positive about it all.