Are You Freaking Kidding Me...???

We went to see Dr Haq in Clonmel on Wednesday as a follow up after my operation and he suggested that Patrick go and have another semen analysis done, just so we can see exactly where we are in order to decide the best course of action from here.
So... On Friday morning Patrick went down to the new Fertility Check Clinic which happens to be right across the road from Gordon's clinic. Dr. Michelle O'Connor is the andrologist there, a lovely lady who agreed to do the test straight away and have the results for us in 30 minutes.

I couldnt understand why, but I was really anxious about getting these test results. I was expecting them to be good as Gordon had put Patrick on lots of supplements back in February to improve his fertility.

Patrick rang me with the results and initially they seemed to have improved significantly, the count and motility had improved and the IgA antibodies (antibodies from infection) had improved unbelievably. It all seemed quite positive until we got the IgG antibodies result and that was 100%,  this has risen from 2% in 2 years. IgG antibodies are antibodies that the body can produce and are commonly known as Anti-Sperm antibodies, and exactly as the name suggests... they are antibodies that surround the sperm and attack them. Michelle explained it to me in terms of when she looks at sperm with no or few IgG antibodies under the microscope, the sperm appears to swim, but sperm with high levels of IgG antibodies appears to vibrate but not progress or move along, as the IgG antibodies have surrounded each sperm and are fighting to destroy them.
So... as you can imagine... this is really really bad news, as if the sperm cannot progress... it certainly cannot fertilise an egg.

I called Michelle, I called Gordon and then I called my G.P. and it became very obvious that the results themselves and what they meant was not our most immediate problem............ usually men who have high levels of IgG antibodies have them because of a childhood illness or injury, but 2 years ago Patrick's IgG levels were normal at just 2%, Last December the DNA Fragmentation of the sperm was 13.2% , again within the normal range............... but now, just 6 months later it has risen to 100%, and this is something that cannot be reversed. The most immediate thing for us now though, is to find out what has caused the levels to rise so high so quickly. My G.P booked both Patrick and myself in for full screening on Monday morning to see if we can figure it out and also to make sure that there is nothing serious going on that has been overlooked.

Isn't life just ridiculously unfair...???  We finally got to a stage where we were certain that all of the issues had been addressed and resolved, we had been assured by several Dr.s that if I were to get pregnant in the next 6 months... I would have a much better chance of carrying to full term... we were ready to start trying again and we were so hopeful and confident.......... and then we get hit with this and find out that things are actually worse than they have ever been, this is something that could not have been foreseen, something that was never even an issue, never even a consideration in our fertility journey and now it has jumped in with two feet and pretty much put a halt to our plans.

We have to find out what has caused this before we can even think of looking at our options for getting pregnant, again, we need to be sure that Patrick is healthy and there is nothing wrong.

It looks though that our only option after that for getting pregnant again... will be more IVF treatment unfortunately, even though I had promised myself that I would never put myself through that again... faced with the prospect of never being able to get pregnant safely again.... I am once again of the mindset that I will do whatever it takes. We have 2 remaining embryos in Cork and I suppose implanting those will be the next step on our fertility journey as at least we know that Patrick's sperm was practically IgG free when they were injected into my eggs 2 years ago. After that... we have a lot of decisions to make and may even have to consider using donor sperm, but either way it means a lot more treatment.......

I suppose we are both in shock, it does feel like everytime we get ahead, something happens that puts us right back where we started and even now... we are in a worse place than we were 2 years ago. It just all seems so terribly unfair.

20,000 Page Views

There are so many things I have in my head that I want to write about... and I will... but this post is purely about reaching the milestone that is achieving 20,000 page views.

I truly cannot believe that there are so many people reading and appreciating this blog, when I write on here... its just my words, my feeling, my thoughts and sometimes just pure ranting and I truly do forget that there are a lot of people out there reading my words and thoughts and feelings.

I remember being hugely surprised when the pageviews had reached 2,000 and at that point I couldnt believe that my words had reached out to so many people. Every day I get messages from people all over the world... sometimes even from people who live in places that I have never even heard of (geography never was my strong point). People who are suffering with infertility and people who are embarking on IVF tell me that they get so much information about what to expect from reading this blog, People who has suffered baby loss tell me that I have managed to put their exact feelings into words and it helps them so much knowing that they are not alone, but most of all... I get messages from people who have no fertility issues and have never suffered the loss of a pregnancy... mostly they stumble upon this blog by complete accident when googling something else... they tell me that reading this blog has opened their eyes up to something they were completely oblivious to, something they have always taken for granted and they tell me that it has made them more aware of what people actually go through and it has made them more sensitive and accepting of people who have been on a similar journey to mine.

This truly makes it all worth while, as while it is difficult enough to go through it all, it is even more difficult to plaster that fake smile on your face and pretend that everything is fine... for the sake of not making other people uncomfortable. I think this blog has made some people more aware and open to talking about fertility issues and baby loss and I truly hope that at some point the whole idea of it being a 'taboo' subject will no longer exist and people will no longer feel that they have to go through this pain alone.

I know there are probably times when I might be a little bit too open about talking about my experiences and everything we have been through, but it has taken me a long time to realise that just because someone asks me how I am, doesnt mean I have to respond with 'I'm fine'. I've also become an expert at knowing when some is asking 'how are you?' just to be polite and when someone genuinely wants to know the answer.


20,000 pageviews truly is an amazing and unbelievable number and I would like to thank everybody who has ever clicked onto this blog. As the pageviews increase, so does my sense of support and not being alone, so thank you so much to every single one of you and I truly hope that in the near future I will be able to write some good news on here for you all to read.


From the bottom of my heart, Thank you all so much for helping me achieve this milestone.xx.

Guinness Book Of Records...???

My babies from the September transfer/October disaster would have been due yesterday and I genuinely thought I was doing ok about it. I did get a bit upset yesterday but wasnt anywhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be............... Until today.............

I bounced into Gordon's Clinic today, feeling really good, the sun was shining and I was really looking forward to the appointment. Gordon commented that he felt I was finally back to myself and said he was really proud of me for getting there. I then told him of the significance of yesterday and how I was doing surprisingly well about it... but it was at this point I found myself unable to make eye contact with him. It was only then that I realised that I really, really wasnt doing so well about it... and I knew that he could see it. It didnt take me long to get to the point of being so choked up I was unable to speak, I have no idea how long I lay there in silence, but at some point Gordon put three needles in my right wrist and forearm, he later informed me that these points are for grief and loss. I eventually began to open up and talk about what I was feeling, although I'm not entirely certain he heard most of what I was saying as I was crying a lot, not openly crying but crying from deep inside me, crying that kept getting caught in my throat and the tears just freely flowed.

I really don't know how long I was lying there, at some point Gordon left the room, when he returned we talked some more about what was going on and I made the comment jokingly that I should probably contact the Guinness Book of Records because I bet there aren't too many people who have lost six babies in the space of nine months.... I then made the comment that most women get to hold one baby inside them for the whole nine months... and of course that set me off again.

Gordon talked about how we are closer to reaching the point of carrying a pregnancy to full term than we ever have been, he said we are just one step away, he said that we have never had the answers that we have now and he reminded me of the progress we have made in the past 11 months.... from dealing with Clinical Intervention and frozen embryos to actually managing to get pregnant naturally, he told me that is a huge step and reminded me that being able to make that amount of progress while going through everything we have been through in that time is just amazing. Of course he is right (but don't tell him I said that ;-) ), we are more informed than we have ever been and the progress has been phenomenol.

At the end of the session, he reminded me of a promise he had made to me a long time ago, he said that he truly believes that I can and will have a healthy pregnancy and carry my baby to full term and he promised me that he would do everything in his power to help me achieve this. He also told me that he would never stop wanting to help me for as long as I was on this journey because that is how strong his belief is that I can have a healthy pregnancy and have a healthy baby at the end of the pregnancy.

I left there feeling a bit confused about how I was feeling and how quickly he was able to bring out my true feelings, I think he sprinkles the room with truth serum or something before I arrive because I never leave there with any feelings hidden and I always do feel better afterwards, usually straight away but I think I need to take a few days this time and allow myself to grieve for those two little angels, one which I lost to ectopic pregnancy and the other which I had to terminate two days later with low dose chemotherapy. I also need to get my head around the thought that this really is the end of an era, the IVF era of our lives. The transfer of those embryos was the last time we set foot inside the Fertility Clinic and now it truly feels like we can close that chapter in our lives. He has asked me to email him on Monday and let him know how I am doing then.

We are going to do this naturally, Gordon believes we can, we believe we can... so the only thing left to do is get fully better and then do it (no pun intended) !

Tomorrow Will Be Better.......

Just when I thought I was turning a corner....... I've been back to work five days now, have met lots of people and have even met three beautiful new babies and somehow managed to hold it all together, but tonight... tonight, I am once again taken by surprise at how quickly and suddenly this grief can strike. I would think by now that I would be used to this, that I would be ready for it whenever it was to strike, but I wasnt and I now truly believe that nobody could ever possibly be ready for this.

It feels almost like a combination of pain, exhaustion and introvertness, except I can block out the pain (except for when it is really bad) and I can handle the tiredness. I am though, unable to vocalise what is going on in my head and in my heart.
Patrick knows I'm feeling 'off-form' tonight, he threads carefully as he is not quite sure what is wrong. What follows is five questions.....

"Are you tired?"                                               "No"
"Are you in a lot of pain?"                               "No"
"Are you upset?"                                               No response
"Do you want to talk?"                                     I shook my head
"Will I just leave you alone?"                           I nod

Its really odd, because the last thing I wanted was to be left alone, in fact I wanted him to hold me and tell me that he just knew, and I wanted to cry, I really really wanted to cry... but... he left me alone...why?... because I told him to. In my head, I am then annoyed with him because he left me alone when I am feeling like this even though I know that he is probably as lost as I am right now and he just doesnt know what to do. Also... he has assured me on several occassions that he is actually not a mind reader...!!!

It is all just so strange, because we have been through this so many times and each time we are taken by surprise. When I think of 'Trauma', I think of what other people go through, never what I have been through. But the reality is that I have been through more trauma in the past 5 years, and more predominantly the last two and a half years, than most people will experience in their lifetimes, and unfortunately that takes a toll. It changes how you see things, it prevents you from truly looking forward to a time when things are better and you finally achieve what you have been fighting for.

I have become an expert at 'misleading' people in this regard, I can now quite easily spout off a whole speech about how we can look forward now and close the book on what has happened, we have some answers now and we have a plan and its all great...... we do have answers now, but there is no plan, I am not able to look forward to a 'happier' time, because I am stuck in right now and right now sucks!

When I was with Gordon last Wednesday, he asked me about something I had written in my blog a little while ago. I wrote that when I read back through this blog, it is almost like reading someone else's story. I was attributing this to the medication I was on, but Gordon offered a theory that perhaps it was my mind protecting me from the memory of the trauma I have been through and in a way has blocked it out. This actually makes more sense than my theory, although I imagine it was a combination of both.
When I think about the egg collection procedure and the transfer procedures, it is almost like I am standing in the corner of the room watching what is happening, similar to how we see things in dreams. I do remember everything that has happened and everything that we have been through, but I remember it as if I was watching it happen to someone else. I guess in a sense, I have detached myself from the process and perhaps that is just my way of coping with it.

Writing on this blog is my channel for release, it is where I can be totally honest about what I am feeling and what is really going on within me, and I am especially appreciative of this mode of release at times such as tonight when I have reached the stage where I am beyond the ability to put my thoughts into spoken words. I know I could talk to Patrick, or I could pick up the phone and call a friend, but when I think about doing this... I never know what I will say.......... when I start typing on here... the words just flow and very often when I get to the end of writing a blog post, I have to read back over it because I get so lost in writing.... I dont fully know exactly what I have written.

Once again, I am left reminding myself that it is just a bad evening and maybe tomorrow will be better...... Hopefully tomorrow will be better.......

Healing Needles From Healing Hands

Sooo... its been just over 5 weeks since I had surgery and I am just now finally starting to feel a bit better. About 3 weeks ago, I started getting the most awful, really debilitating migraines. I was getting them every day, they were coming on very early in the morning and lasting 8-9 hours.

After the last visit with Gordon, I really was taking it easy and in all honesty... with the migraines I was getting, I really wasnt able to do anything, just lifting my head off the pillow was a very painful  experience.

Patrick called Gordon 2 weeks ago to give him an update on how I am doing and to tell him how bad the migraines had gotten. Gordon then did something that I never would have imagined... he offered to drive up here and treat me at home. I genuinely could not believe that he was willing to do that... but he was... and the following Saturday, Gordon arrived at my house equipped with needles and alcohol swabs. He put needles in my feet and in my face, one in the middle of my forehead and one in either temple. He left them in for about 30 minutes and then removed them. He then told me that he would come back up the following week to treat me again.
After he had taken those needles out... I was physically unable to do anything, the only way I can describe how I was feeling is 'completely zonked'. I fell asleep right after he had left and slept deeply for a few hours... and I slept really really well that night too.

I didnt notice much difference in the frequency and severity of the migraines in the next few days and at one point, the pain got so bad that I actually passed out with it.
Gordon came back up here last Friday and repeated the process he had done the previous Saturday. When he had removed the needles, he produced 'press needles', they look like little thumb tacks. He put two in each foot in the grove between my big toes and my second toes, He then put one on the inside of each ankle. These tacks are to be left in and changed every 48 hours.

Almost immediately I felt my head clear. I was migraine free until Sunday evening (but I was out and about on Sunday, so may have overdone it a bit), We changed the tacks on Sunday evening and once that migraine had cleared, my head didnt bother me again until yesterday, but the severity of yesterday's migraine was a lot milder than what I had been experiencing for the previous 3 weeks.

I guess I just can't believe that he went to that trouble for me... It takes over an hour to drive from Cork to here, but it just goes to show once again, how different this experience has been from our previous experiences. Now, our case is not just a number on a chart to be referenced only on invoices, Gordon Mullins actually cares about his patients and for the past 10 months, he has gone through every step of this journey with us and he is the source of all of our hope.

We went to see Gordon in Cork today and he commented on how much better I was doing, he said that I was beginning to be myself again, and he is right, I am. I am feeling much better and am ready to start getting out again.

As I lay on the table and he was checking my pulses, he said something that really put a lump in my throat. He said 'Well done on coming out the other side', He went on to say that 99.9% of people would most likely have taken the Prozac (which has been almost pushed on me several times since the surgery) but I wouldnt take it. It was amazing to me how willing Dr's were to write perscriptions. I'm sure there have been times over the past 5 weeks where it must have seemed that I was hovering on the borderline of depression... and perhaps I was, it would seem almost natural, taking into account my history and what I have just been through, but to me... I was just having bad days and having been in this situation many, many times before... I know that bad days happen and as time goes on they become less and less frequent.
I always remember what Gordon said to me after my very first visit with him... 'Remember, its just a bad day, And remember its not about the bad day, but how quickly you come out of your bad days, thats the improvement.'

In other news, my cat had three beautiful kittens 10 days ago. Two of them were healthy, but the third was delayed and when she was born, I suppose the mother cat thought she was dead and didnt really bother with her. I had to cut the cord and stimulate her to take her first breathe... which she did. The little one wouldnt latch on to the mother and the mother appeared to have no interest in her at all. We began feeding her with a syringe and she was doing really well. We rang the vet the day after she was born to be told that there is nothing that could be done and we might be best to just 'let her go'... Not on my watch...!!!

We continue to syringe feed the little one every couple of hours and she lasted well for 4 days, but when Patrick checked on her on Thursday morning, she was dead. It is impossible for me to describe how devestated we both were, I guess I dont think we were devestated about the kitten so much as what that kitten represented for us, this tiny little being who depended completely on us. Patrick buried the little one and I genuinely do not think I have ever seen him so upset.

The other two kittens were doing well... until one of them developped kitten flu. We were able to get her a powdered antibiotic but she has also stopped feeding from her mother and we are having to syringe feed her now also. The poor little thing has lost so much weight and is so weak she cant hold her head up. To be honest, we werent really expecting her to still be alive when we got back from Cork today, but she was. She is hanging in there, just barely, it will be an absolute miracle if she pulls through.

So, I'm thinking about venturing into work for a bit tomorrow, so long as the migraines stay away. I feel like I have rested completely for long enough and although I will ease myself back in to my usual hectic schedule, I do feel like it is time for me to start getting out again. I am assured that it is ok for me to do this, so long as I listen to my body and know when enough is enough.

One Lovely Blog Award

OK... so up until this morning, I had no idea that such an award existed, but I have been given a 'One Lovely Blog Award' by  Ali @ Not All Dreams Are Free. From what I understand, this is an award given by other bloggers who enjoy and appreciate your blog, so Thank you so much Ali, It is so nice to know that my words are appreciated by others.

So... I'm told on accepting this award... I have to link the person who gave it to me (done that), I have to give 7 random facts about myself, I then have to list 15 blogs that I enjoy reading and attach the 'One Lovely Blog Award' pic to my page.


Ok... So Seven Random Facts About Me...

1. I LOVE pink, yep... I'm a real girly girl and love just about anything that is pink... I even make the staff at work wear bright pink... pink, pink, pink... its gotta be pink :-)

2. I love hand crafts, knitting, crocheting, embroidery, latch-hooking, lace making, I love them all and find it a lovely way to relax after a long day at work.

3. I bake when I'm upset or mad... If Patrick comes home and the Kenwood is about to burn out, he knows it's probably best if he leaves me alone for a while...... on the upside though... he does get some nice homebaked treats... later... when I'm feeling better :-)

4. I love animals, I currently have 4 cats, 2 Norwegian Elkhounds and a Bichon Frise, The Bichon is my baby and I got her after I miscarried last May... she rules the house... she is definitely the boss.

5. I managed to dye my Bichon PINK (it actually was an accident), I'd gotten her a new collar, pink of course and didnt take it off when I was giving her a bath and of course the dye ran into her lovely white fur, she had a pink mane for about a month...!!!

6. My name is Anne-Marie and I am an Apple Addict (no, not the fruit, although I like those too), I love Apple products, iPads, iPods, iPhones. I have no idea how I managed to function before I had them.

7. I love Handbags, designer handbags are my weakness. Louis Vuitton store is my idea of heaven.

Fifteen Blogs that I enjoy reading and want to pass this award on to;

1. Kat's IVF Journey
2. Our Journey through ICSI & PGD
3. The 2 Week Wait
4. In The Name Of The Father
5. The Luckiest: No Matter What!
6. Silent Hope
7. The Years Of Trying To Conceive Tears
8. Life Of An Army Wife
9. Ellie, As Always
10. Path2Parenthood
11. My Surrogate Baby
12. Fertile Dandelion
13. The Hopeful Baby Maker
14. If You Don't Stand For Something
15. {Inevitable} Motherhood


The 'One Lovely Blog Award' Picture

Done, Done and Done.xx.

Stop Trying To Be Superwoman

A week ago, just when I thought I was starting to turn a corner, we ended up having to go to Caredoc in the middle of the night because the pain got really really bad and I started vomiting so couldnt keep any pain killers down. Turns out I had a kidney infection on top of everything else.... and now, three weeks after surgery and three lots of antibiotics later... the infection still hasnt cleared and the pain has eased.

So... me being me, thought it would be a great idea to go in to work for a few hours on Monday, I didnt drive, but I did spend about 4 hours there, I wasnt exactly doing anything, just talking and meeting people... but I did spend a lot of time on my feet.........BIG MISTAKE...!!!

I was crippled on Tuesday, I couldnt move all day. I had a lot of abdominal distension and swelling... and the pain... and then I got the worst migraine I can ever remember having in my life... I was just miserable.

It turns out that was waaaayyyyy too early to be up and about and ridiculously too early to be spending that amount of time on my feet. Apparently, this operation was a much bigger deal than I had first thought. The entire surface of both my ovaries had to be blasted and completely burnt, meaning that both of my ovaries are completely black and will take quite some time to heal. They also had to fix the left tube, and also there was a lot of scar tissue and adhesions from previous surgeries that had to be cut out and removed.

Patrick took me to see Gordon on Wednesday afternoon, admittedly... I was nowhere near up to travelling to Cork and this was very obvious by the way I hobbled into the clinic. Gordon was surprised by the fact that I had travelled the whole way down there in the condition I was in. I suppose I felt that if I was going down there... I was doing something and I knew that Gordon would be able to help me sort out my head and my emotions... I just kinda forgot one thing............... I am probably in the worst physical condition I have ever been in and I need to allow my body to heal first. He told me to 'Stop trying to be Superwoman', he said that it is ok to just rest and that it is so important for me to allow my body all the time it needs to heal completely, he pointed out that my body has been through so much, that I just need to recover, I need to put me first and do what is best for me. He said that I need to be able to ask people for help, I need to be able to tell people that I am actually not ok and that I need some assistance to do things. I struggle with this, I hate the thought of asking for help, I'd hate to think that I was putting someone else out for me... at this point, Patrick pointed out that I put myself out for other people every day and I never think twice about it.

This experience has been very different for me than the previous experiences, primarily because this time my body is not pumped full of hormones and steroids, everything I am feeling is what I am actually feeling and it is very different. The scary part is that I remember very little of what I went through last year, when I read back through the blog, it is actually like I am reading someone else's story and this is purely down to the volume of hormones and steroids that was being pumped into my system. This is difficult emotionally, very difficult, but at least I know that what I am feeling is real, it is not a side effect of coming off the hormones, and this is the reason that we have decided that we will not be going back to IVF treatment.

We have answers now and we both truly believe that I can get pregnant naturally and have a healthy pregnancy right to full term............... but for now, I need to take the advice of Mr. Mullins and just recover.

Pain Through Poetry...

Poetic Insanity

The obliviousness hidden behind a clear screen of opaqueness

The only light being that what is opaque is not dark, not yet.

In this state of familiarity, I will wait…

I will wait for the darkness because it will come, it always comes.

The pain will strike and not that remnant of the surgery,

Not that which can be subdued by opiates. There is no solace from this pain.

It will pounce from within, its wrath symbolising the consequence of a helpless wildebeest

encountering a ravenous lion, there will be no mercy.

The silhouette of my grief a perfect octagon, each side guarded by a perfect angel, eight perfect

angels, akin only to the Madonna and child, they had eight angels,
differing only by the fact that she

got to keep her baby……..

Classification Sucks.......

So... with Easter coming up I have just received an email entitled 'How to survive family occasions as an infertile.'

This has gotten me thinking... Do we now belong to a whole new category of 'sub-humans' because we have fertility issues...???

In the last year, I have become more and more aware of a very supportive community of people, who are struggling with getting pregnant or staying pregnant, most of these people admit to having such problems only in an online capacity. (I think the statistic is one couple in every eight) We have recently found out that some close friends of ours had been going through IVF for years and they never told anyone. I suppose I struggle with the thought of it being such a taboo subject, I just don't understand why it is.

I've recently been made aware of a comparision that has been made between how 'fertile' people view infertility in relation to other illnesses....

I dont know how many times over the past 5 years it has been said to me to 'just relax, take it easy', 'don't be worrying about it, no stress'...etc...

The point being made by the comparison was that... those things would not be said to someone who was suffering from a different kind of illness/disease. Someone who was suffering with cancer would not be told not to be worrying about it, someone with diabetes isnt told to just forget about it and someone suffering from athsma definitely isnt told to just get on with their lives.

Why then, are people suffering with fertility issues told these things every day...?????

I'll tell you why... because it just isnt recognised as a 'real' dis-ease, and certainly not in this country. In the UK, people with fertility issues are entitled to up to three cycles of IVF on the NHS... whereas here... I cant even claim back on my health insurance for any of my GP/Consultant visits if they are IVF related. My Health Insurance Company claims to refund half the cost of alternative medicines like acupuncture..... eh... yeah... except if it is 'fertility acupuncture...!!!

It just makes me so mad... if I had cancer, diabetes or athsma I'd be given professional help and support, but because I am an 'infertile'... I'm told to just forget about it and get on with my life...!!!

Yes, I have fertility issues but I most certainly am not an 'infertile', I refuse to be considered less of a human because of this.

I know there are hundreds of people with fertility issues who read this blog... the question you need to ask yourself is

'Am I a person who has some fertility issues, or am I am 'infertile'?'

The Beginning Of The Journey

So... This day 5 years ago our infertility journey began. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks.  At the time we just took it for what it was and didnt really dwell too much on it. It was only two and a half years later when I had an ectopic pregnancy and the rollercoaster started from there.... and what a ride it has been...!!!

Hopefully, just hopefully all of the problems have been identified and addressed now and perhaps we can look forward to brighter times.

I'm having a lot of pain and soreness from the operation six days ago, but I'm told that is to be expected as they did have to do a lot of patching up inside.

I am having some trouble sleeping, partly due to the pain and soreness, but I always have trouble sleeping after having surgery, things just seem to play on my mind more at night.

I guess I could be considered a pro at this stage, but it certainly doesnt get any easier.......

Good News, Bad News and Finally Some Answers.......

The Good News is that I did manage to get pregnant naturally and would have been 6 weeks gone yesterday. This was absolutely huge news for us and we just couldnt believe it. I got pregnant on the first month after we decided that we would not be going back for more IVF treatment, I still have weekly acupuncture appointments with Gordon, but apart from that... no other assistance.


The Bad News is that I 'would have been' six weeks gone yesterday... unfortunately this pregnancy was also ectopic and I had to have emergency surgery yesterday.

The Answers.... FINALLY....... The surgeon was finally able to offer us some answers as to why I keep either miscarrying or having ectopic pregnancies. My left fallopian tube was swollen from the ectopic but was also twisted which would have caused the ectopic pregnancy, the surgeon was able to untwist the tube and save it and hopefully the swelling will go down by itself.

He also found out what is causing the recurring miscarriages..... both of my ovaries were covered in hundreds of tiny little cysts... too small to be detected on a scan, and the pain and 'popping' sensation I was experiencing was due to the cysts bursting. He was able to blast the cysts and burnt them at the roots so as to prevent them from coming back for at least 6 months, and has informed me that if I was to get pregnant in the coming months, I would have a much better chance of carrying to full term as my ovaries are now cyst-free. He has also put me on a 3 month course of medication to help regulate my ovaries and to help them to heal from the presence of all the cysts.

So... a mixture of hope and heartbreak but mostly relief that we finally have some answers.

I just got home from hospital this evening and am very sore and stiff, I have four incisions in my abdomen but hopefully they wont take too long to heal.

I guess we've not really got past the shock of finding out that I actually got pregnant naturally... never mind everything that has followed in the past few days, its all happened so fast so I guess it will take some time for it all to sink in.......

Wishing It Was Me.......

I guess I've not made a secret of the fact that I'm having a pretty crap time at the minute, really feel like the universe is testing me to see just how far I can be pushed before I crack.

Aside from what I wrote in the First Time for Everything  post, Two of my best friends have just broken the news to be that they are pregnant. I suppose what surprises me most is how difficult it was for them to tell me, they were fretting so much about how I was going to react. Both of these peole have had struggles in this area, both have been trying for a long time to get pregnant and funnily enough, both had recently confided in me that they are just ready to give up trying (before they found out they were pregnant obvioulsy).

These people are my friends, and that is not something that I can honestly say about a lot of people; There are not too many people in this world that I truly consider to be my 'friend'. I am so happy for both of them and I would hate for their joy and happiness in this time to be ruined for them because of how they imagined I would feel about it. Is there a part of me that wishes it was me? Of course there is, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't starting to feel more and more left behind everytime I hear of someone else who has found a way through their struggle and has become pregnant, but I truly want this to be the most special pregnancy experience ever for my friends, because although I am green with envy, I know how hard the journey has been for them and I know how much they deserve to be where they are right now. So ladies...stop worrying about how you think this is affecting me and just enjoy this womderful time in your lives...(Just promise to keep notes for me and tell me all about it when I finally get to that stage.xx.)

So...as I was alone last night, I took to Twitter to find some people who blog for similar reasons to mine, and I was overwhelmed by the number of people who are going through the same thing...like hundreds of thousands of people who are having this same struggle. I got talking to some people and I found that it was really helping. I got talking to one lady in particular, who is a similar age to me and in a very similar situation and she simply asked me 'how many attempts have you had?'

You know...I really had to think............ and when I did...the result was just staggering...I really did lock a lot of things away in the back of my mind to the point where it felt like someone else's story, and as this conversation was taking place in text form...I had to type it out (as Twitter only allows 140 characters, it had to all be abbreviated, hence why people suffering from infertility issues become masters of abbreviation), but the results are as follows;

1 x Natural Miscarriage at 9 weeks.
1 x Natural Ectopic Pregnancy at 7 weeks.
ICSI-IVF resulting in 8 Embryos and a severe case of Ovarian HyperStimulation Syndrome.
Transfer No.1; 1 embryo, BFP, Miscarried at 7 weeks.
Transfer No.2; 1 embryo died in thawing process, 2 embryos implanted, BFP,  Miscarried at 6 weeks.
Transfer No. 3; 2 embryos, BFP, 1 lost by ectopic pregnancy at 6 weeks, 1 lost by Methotrexate at 7 weeks.
2 embryos left in cyropreservation.

It seems so clinical writing it all out like that, its just a history of facts, there are no emotions, no feelings, no concept or indication of just how difficult it all is, And unfortunately, to a lot of people who are not going through something similar or have no experience of infertility, miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies and anything related to subfertility.....that list that I have typed out could just as well be a list of what their mechanic did to their car during its last service. It seems that even though the number of people suffering in a similar manner to me is absolutely huge, we have to come to terms with the fact that unless they have experienced it and lived it, other people simply cannot understand how truly it difficult it is. This is not a negative reflection on those people, its just impossible to truly understand if you haven't experienced it.

I think this is why it was so hard for my friends to tell me that they are pregnant...because they have lived the struggle and they know how difficult it is, they have felt those feelings when others have broken the news to them that they were pregnant, they have experience of wanting to be happy for your friends but at the same time wishing so much that it was you to the point where you start to question if it will ever be you.

I know that in a few days, I will be able to draw hope from my friends' pregnancies, hope that it can happen for me too...but for right now... I'm still stuck on wishing it was me.xx.

African Fertility Statues

Had to be worth a try...!!!

And just something that made me smile during a very difficult time.......

First Time For Everything........

I did something today that I have never done before, something I thought I never would do........... I cancelled my appointment with Gordon...at the last minute. It was no reflection on Gordon or the wonderful work that he does, he has helped so many people have happy, healthy pregnancies, I just cant praise him enough. So...I'll rewind a bit and explain.......

We had a fabulous holiday, it truly was wonderful and was just what we needed. We had an appointment with Gordon a few days after we got back, a very positive appointment...in which we decided that we never wanted to see the inside of the Cork Fertility Clinic again. Gordon reiterated what he had said to us over 6 months ago...that he is certain that there is no reason that I could not get pregnant naturally and have a very healthy pregnancy to full term. So, at the end of the appointment, we were both feeling very positive, we had no schedule, just Patrick had to start taking some supplements and we were just going to see what happens. It was great, it was like we were in control again, we fully believed that this will work and we were ready to do it.

Fast forward to 5 days later...I was booked in to have a minor prodedure in Clonmel hospital...to investigate the pain I am still having since the ectopic pregnancy in October. I was fine, wasnt a bit nervous, I knew I was going to be knocked out for it and wasnt a bit bothered............until I got to the operating theatre and got that distinctive operating theatre smell. That smell brought back the fear and heartbreak I had experienced last October, knowing that entering that room meant that I was coming out of that room no longer pregnant with two beautiful babies.................and I began to cry and I began to panic. The poor theatre nurses didnt know what was going on and I wasnt able to explain it because I really didnt know what was going on myself. I guess they thought I was just really really nervous about this very minor procedure I was having done.

Ever since then (about 9 days ago) I have been feeling really down. I know that I want to get pregnant and have a baby more than anything in the world, however...I also realise that I now have a serious fear of being pregnant and everything that means for me...the fear, the worry, the waiting for something to go wrong, the trips to the hospital in case something is wrong, the over thinking everything, the what ifs......... I feel like we came back from holidays and we were on top of the world, we were feeling good and felt like we could do anything...felt like we could maybe embark on this journey again, but take a different path...a path that allowed us to control the pace, but yet something as small but as hugely significant as the smell of the operating theatre threw me right back into a place where I am once again terrified of being pregnant..... And that is why I cancelled that appointment today...because I simply couldnt do it...and I know I have gone to see Gordon before when I was having feelings similar to this and he helped me work through those feelings and I have left his clinic feeling a million times better, but today I just felt like I didnt want to vocalise it, I didnt want to make it real.....I didnt want to be back 'there'.

I emailled Gordon this evening to apologise for cancelling at the last minute, he emailled me back telling me that he was expecting this to happen, that it had to happen at some point. (I guess it isnt possible to go through what I have been through and not have a fear of it happening again...imagine that...!!!).

He also told me to 'be good to you'...and I think that is the part I struggle with the most. I guess there will always be a part of me that blames myself for losing all of my babies, there is always the 'what ifs' (what if I didnt go to work, what if I didnt eat chocolate, what if I drank more water...). So...when I feel down about it...I really do not want to be good to me. It really is hard to treat yourself when you are feeling so crap....!!!

I will make another appointment to see Gordon really soon, as soon as I am feeling any way up to talking about all of this and actually vocalising it (isnt it amazing that I can write all about it here, but find vocalising it absolutely impossible right now...???).

I also have some really interesting pictures of African Fertility Dolls which I took in Florida, that I must post on here...I will get around to that in the next few days hopefully.xx.

40 Weeks.......

So...I've just received a message on my iPhone from the Baby Centre App saying 'Congratulations, You are 40 weeks pregnant, your baby weighs around 7.5 lbs and will be making an appearance soon'

Yep...today was my due date for my first transfer last year. At the time, I convinced myself that it was a lucky date and the fact that it would fall on this date meant it was sure to all go ok. (Isn't it funny the things we cling on to in search of hope?) You see...today is a special day for another reason..... 16 years ago today, my Dad passed away.

So yeah...today is a difficult day, a very very difficult day.

But hopefully it is just going to be a difficult day...we head off on holidays tomorrow. A well deserved 17 days of absolute bliss, including a 7 night Western Caribbean Cruise, 7 nights in Orlando and brief stop-offs in Atlanta and New York.

The holiday of a life-time and although I know it will be absolutely fabulous... I guess it will be tinged with the knowledge of how things should be different........

Some Lovely Poems...Really Says It All.xx.

A friend sent me these this morning and I just wanted to share...

Angel of my Tears

How do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there's nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life

and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it's done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
~Author Unknown.

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here.

He took a breath

and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but I got chosen by dear God and
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
before I was set free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.

2011.......

This time last year, after what I thought was the worst year ever...I put the folllowing as my Facebook status...

"For the past 2 years on New Year's Eve, I have said the next year just has to be better than

the last...........I was wrong both times.... so 2011..........do your worst, I'm ready for ya...!!!"

Boy.....was I wrong...!!!

2011 has been a year of loss, of illness, of grief, of despair, of heartbreak. It's been 12 months of tragic occurances, each one more soul destroying than the last.

As we see out the end of 2011, we find ourselves in a Limbo of sorts. We both still want children so badly, but we are both so painfully aware of the fact that no matter which road we take on the journey from here to parenthood....it is not going to be easy, and we know that we risk enduring more of the same in the process.

The pain and grief of losing seven babies, and more prominently the five that we have lost in 2011, will always be there, but it seems to have become something that words cannot do justice to anymore. It's like it's just there, it's always there and we know it is. It has become a part of who we are and when we see new babies or pregnant women, or when we see storylines on TV about characters losing babies....... I shed silent tears which run down my face and Patrick goes quiet and picks at the skin on his hands. We don't vocalise how much it hurts anymore...because we don't need to...we both know and we both know that words could never describe that pain.

And when that moment has passed and my tears have fallen and Patrick has picked that piece of skin off his hands...we share a glance and we take eachother's hand... because....... we just know.

For 2012... we haven't made any plans (apart from a fabulous trip to Florida and a Caribbean cruise), we are not able to plan forward anymore so when we get back from our holiday...we are going to take things day by day and just see what happens.

So...whether you spend the last minutes of 2011 in a crowded pub, or just with close friends or family, or perhaps just with one special person, I hope you take a moment to accept a heartfelt 'Thank you' from me, because although I may not know you and we may never have met...the fact that you are reading this makes you one of the positive aspects of my 2011.

Have a Wonderful New Year's Eve and all the very best for 2012.xx.

(Oh...and if 2011 has taught me anything.....it's never EVER challenge destiny.......

That bitch takes no prisoners...!!!)

Merry Christmas (Well...Kinda...!!!)

So...the Christmas Eve madness seems to have settled a bit (Thank God), all the presents are wrapped and ready and my final task for this evening was to post a Merry Christmas message to everyone who reads this blog.

I kinda felt that I would just post a brief feel-good message so as not to dampen the generic 'good spirits' of the season, but I have just been reminded of the original purpose an reason for starting this blog in the first place...to be true to myself and express truthfully, honestly and openly how things really are...and if truth be told.......... I usually absolutely love Christmas and everything that comes with it...but this year.... I am hating every second of it because every little thing reminds me of the hell that this year has been and how it all should be so different.

Christmas shopping (anyone who knows me...knows that I live for shopping...!!!)...but this year...all I saw was people yelling at their kids, stressed out parents getting cross with their kids for being too excited while they rush around the shopping centre trying to pick up the last minute must-haves, people dragging their kids through grocery stores, Families queuing impatiently at Santa grottos and then aggrevated parents getting annoyed with their little ones because after they have queued for so long, the little darlings decide that they were actually afraid of the man in red and didnt want to go and see him after all.
Two weeks ago we went shopping in the Crescent Shopping Centre in Limerick and after an hour, I told Patrick that I just wanted to go home. I didnt see the joy in Christmas shopping and choosing gifts for people this year (I'm not saying it wasnt there...just I was unable to see it), I couldnt enjoy it, it was a chore...something I had to do rather than something I wanted to do.

Christmas decorations.....well Patrick took them down from the attic at the beginning of December...and well...they are still in boxes...I just havent been able to bring myself to put them up, I'm not really sure why...but something stops me everytime I think about doing it.
Again...decorating the house is something that I usually love to do, something I look forward to doing and I usually hate when January arrives and it is time to take down the decorations...but this year...again, it seems like a chore and I just cannot bring myself to open those boxes and decorate the house.

We went shopping this morning with the intent of me picking something that I want for Christmas from Patrick. I usually have a list of things that I want...but this year...it wasnt that I couldnt think of something that I wanted...I genuinely did not want anything. Everything just seemed so material to me.
Patrick pointed out lots of nice sparkly things...things that I usually would have just had to have...but today...I just felt like...yes, those are very pretty and yes, they will make me happy for about 5 minutes...but then the initial feeling is gone and they will just be yet another material thing that will, in truth, mean nothing in the greater scheme of things.

I know I'm sounding like a proper Grinch now, but I just cannot bring myself to get into the spirit of joy and happiness this year and this is both brought on and compounded by one main contributing factor;
I thought I was doing really well...and finally starting to cope with all that has happened but there was one factor that I didnt really ever consider...On the three occassions this year that I have been pregnant...I shared similar due-dates with several people that I know... friends, people I know through work...etc... even though I see these people on a weekly basis and have seen their pregnancies grow and develop...I guess it kinda slipped my mind that they will have their babies to hold at the end of their pregnancies.
According to my iphone app (which has recently started giving me weekly updates on how my 'pregnancy' is progressing...!!!)... from my April transfer...I would now be just over 36 weeks pregnant... I know 4 people who got pregnant right around the same time as I did then... two of those people have had their babies in the past week and the other two are due very very shortly..................and it is absolutely killing me!
I am so happy for them, but gosh...it is so difficult for me...I find myself fighting tears a lot recently and you know what...it isnt jealousy or envy or even me feeling sorry for myself...its just pure raw grief and emotion and trying to make sense of it all, and I know that I will continue to experience these feelings until the 16th of January (actual due date) and again in April and May when the babies from my second and third transfers would have been due, but I guess we will just cross that bridge when we come to it.

For now...I hope everyone does have a wonderful Christmas and I hope that reading this has not brought anyone down but instead has caused you, if just for a second...to cast a thought of appreciation for all the wonderful things you do have in life. Even though I do not have what I really really want, and even though I am finding this time of year very tough this year... I am very grateful for all my wonderful friends, for my family and for all the people who will read this post and just understand.

Merry Christmas Everyone.xx.

A Brief Update

A comment was made to me today " Your business is your baby", and this has really got me thinking, like its thrown my mind into severe overdrive. The comment wasnt made to be nasty or cause hurt (and I'm sure the person who said it was probably regretting their choice of words as soon as they had said it), it was meant to indicate an understanding of how much work I had put into building up my business and how I would never let anything happen to it.

It has sent my mind spinning off in the direction of wondering if, once again, I am using work and my 'business' as a distraction and to compensate for other things. It does tend to be the constant in my ever-changing and ever more-challenging world.

My Grandmother passed away a week ago, and was buried last Friday. An inspirational woman who lived an inspirational life of 92 years. She didnt have an easy life and had to bear the loss of many family members including her husband and her two sons, one of whom was my Dad who died shortly after my 12th birthday.
My Grandmother always adapted a 'Just get on with it' approach to whatever life threw at her and several times over the past week, I have been told that is where I get my stubbornness from.

I went to see a General Surgeon in Clonmel today as my GP wanted to further investigate this ongoing pain that I am still experiencing. On a quick read of my file and a quick run down of what has taken place over the last year he just stopped and said "What a brave person you are, I cant imagine the mental strength that it could take to put yourself through that time and time again, you truly are a remarkable person"

I was quick to tell him that I didnt think it was brave at all, but in fact, far from the most intelligent thing I have ever done. He corrected me, telling me that even though it didnt work out as we would have liked, the courage that it takes to keep going back and doing something after consistently failing at it, is immeasurable.
So anyway...he is going to do investigative surgery in February to figure out what is going on and to fix it.

More surgery...fun... fun... fun...!!!

This is just a brief update (as the title suggests) and is so because I am just shattered tired. I am seeing Gordon tomorrow so I'm sure I will find lots to blog about after that.

.xx.

Angels Do Exist.xx.

I woke up this morning to the most amazing offer.........Someone I have known for years, but have not been very close with...asked this morning if I had considered surrogacy and if so, her womb is mine if I'd like to borrow it. This lady had her own little boy just a few months ago and it has changed her life. She said that pregnancy really agreed with her and that nobody deserves a baby more than me...she is willing to let me borrow her body for 9 months...she is willing to go through pregnancy and labour and give birth...and then hand over the baby that she has carried for 9 months......and she is willing to do all of this for us...!!!

I was speechless...I just didnt know what to say, I just cannot believe that someone would even offer to make that kind of sacrifice...for us!

Surrogacy is not something that we are considering right now as unfortunately the problem is with the embryos and not with my womb, and using a different womb would not solve the problem.

An amazing offer from an amazing and very very special person, and something that I will never forget as long as I live.

I've been having a lot of pain today, a strange burning type pain in the area of my left fallopian tube...I do not know if this is a good thing or bad thing, but it has become more of a tight, pinchy-type pain as the evening has progressed and I'm beginning to think that a trip to A+E may be on the cards during the night if it doesnt settle down. I've taken some pain killers, so hopefully it will settle down........

And all the sympathy I'm getting from my husband..." I told you not to carry those bags...you're doing way too much, you need to rest yourself!"

...yeah, ok....maybe he is right......this time.......

'Not the Mama'

I have been having a really tough time lately, and to top it all off...I'm ill with a chest and throat infection and still having a lot of pain from the ectopic pregnancy. Dr took lots of bloods today, so hopefully we will have a better idea of what is going on when the results come back.

I had a beautifully vivid dream last night...or early this morning to be more precise. I dreamt that I was in labour...very very vivid labour, and I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy. He had the brightest blue eyes and although in the dream we had already decided what we were going to call him...when he arrived, we just couldnt think of a name special enough to suit him. Anyway...it was continuing to be a beautiful dream and everything I ever wanted until Patrick arrives, the proud Dad and picks the baby up...who then snaps at Patrick's nose in a Dinosaur style 'not the mama' motion. It then became very clear that it was a dream and I woke up in tears at the fact that once again...it wasnt to happen.

As many of you will know by now...Ive had some rather horrid messages from a certain person, these messages have not bothered me and have not caused my desire to continue with this blog to diminish in any way. It has however shown me the kind of support that I have out there in the world. The amount of people who jumped to my defense and to that of this blog, both on here and on Facebook and in private messages. It really is lovely to see, and it is so meaningful to me that people continue to read and support this blog...even though the story seems never ending.

I went to see Gordon last Wednesday, primarily because I needed my receipts for Tax purposes, but we ended up sitting and chatting for quite a while. He used the analogy of a car crash that just keeps on happening. 'its like you had a car accident and then the ambulance that came to bring you to hospital crashed into a wall and then the next ambulance drove off a cliff, each time it gets worse and at some point you realise that travelling by vehicle is not working out right now, so how about walking for a while?'

And he is right, because if I just 'walk' for a while, then I am in control of how everything is happening, I am in control of what we do and the pace at which we do it, I am not a passenger in a vehicle that is being driven erratically, with the hope that I arrive at my destination safely but the outcome constantly being the exact opposite.

My immune system is quite badly compromised from the chemotherapy, hence being so ill right now but I am on antibiotics to fight the infections, and after we chatted on Wednesday, Gordon said that he felt I would benefit from a session of acupuncture...during which he worked on points that would hopefully help with the panic attacks that I am still having.

My GP gave me some meds to help with these today, but I dont think I am going to take them (unless I really really need them) because I know that this is a phase that will pass and I am the worst in the world for taking tablets unless I absolutely need to!

So...for now...I am under strict orders from my GP and from Gordon to 'Just rest', so...that is the plan...for a few days anyway...at least until I am starting to feel a bit better.

The Case Of The Uninvited Egg...!!!

Patrick brought me to town on Thursday because I needed to go to the bank. I was in the bank...picked up the lodgement slip to fill it out and I couldnt find a pen...which is no big deal...except it was a huge deal at the time and I started to panic...my throat felt tight and I was starting to sweat, I felt like I just needed to get out of there...!  Fortunately, in my panic I managed to spot a pen on one of the other counters and all was fine.

Fast forward to Saturday morning...my friend Mary picked me up and we went to this beautiful cafe in Cahir for lunch. I ordered a bagel with cream cheese and bacon....except when it came out it was a bagel with cream cheese, bacon and some kind of an egg-based spread. Immediately the same thing happened, my throat got tight, I started to sweat..I was panicking. Not wanting to make it obvious...I picked up the bagel and took a bite...only to find it very difficult to swallow because my throat was so tight...so my immediate reaction was to concentrate on being able to breathe (Poor Mary, I swear she thought I was choking...!!!). So, I then told her what was going on...and I figured out that I could just scrape the eggy stuff off the bagel and all was fine.

Turns out these arent panic attacks in the conventional sense, but more an attack brought on by my body being so physically and mentally exhausted that it just cannot rationalise how to deal with such everyday occurances.

I've still not been getting much sleep if any...its usually around 6 or 7am when I'm finally dozing off. Was the same story on Sunday night...didnt start to doze off until 8am Monday morning, woke up at 11am and found that I was unable to move, my body felt like it was made of concrete. I had hit the point of being so completely exhausted that my body just could not move. I spent all of Monday in bed, flitting between dozing and just laying there. I did manage to get a few hours sleep last night...so hopefully the whole not sleeping thing is starting to improve.

Home Two Weeks...Yes, It's Only Been Two Weeks...!!!

I'm home just over 2 weeks now and am still having unreal pain. My tube has started contracting this evening, which has just been excrutiating. The Dr. told me this would happen once the embryos were completely dead as both the womb and the tube have to expel their contents...just the tube has to contract a lot more than the womb and it is so so painful. Unfortunately....I am informed that this pain can last for any length from 6 weeks to 3 months...!!!

I had a really good morning today, met a friend for coffee (or three) and a chat, called into work for a bit and then went to the supermarket...and that's when the pain started. (I think I'm going to have to stop going shopping...I seem to end up in pain everytime I go now...!!!). I ended up having to get some morphine and that just knocked me out...I slept for a few hours and the pain started again not long after I woke up.

I made the decision yesterday to go and get my hair cut, It was in such bad condition from the Methotrexate and all the other drugs, it was breaking off and starting to fall out, so I figured it was best to just get it all cut up. It absolutely killed me to do it...I just cried the whole time my hair was being cut...and then seeing all of my once beautiful hair on the floor...it was just terrible.

Everyone is telling me my hair is nice this way and I have to admit that it looks much healthier as all the bad hair is gone. I think it was just the defining moment for me...having to have all my hair cut up just compounded how badly all of this has gone wrong!

When I called into work I got loads of hugs and kisses from the children....one of whom asked if I was all better now...to which I responded that I was nearly all better....the response I got...
"But we made you a magic card to make you all better...did it not work?"  (Heart-breaking stuff...!!!)

I am now a firm believer of 'what goes around, comes around'. Me, as a person...I hate to see anyone upset or having a hard  time and it is in my nature to want to help and make everything ok. The amount of calls, messages and emails that I have received from people reminding me of how they have never forgotten that I was there for them in their time of need, telling me not to hesitiate to pick up the phone if I need anything.

I really do appreciate it because I am finally at a stage where I can actually admit that I do need help (yeah, yeah I know...finally...!!!). I am simply not able to do everything right now and most of all...I am finally able to ask for help. But the most amazing part for me is that people actually want to help...I know everyone says that they want to help...but this time...people actually do want to.

Patrick and I are starting to realise that for everything we dont have...we really do have a lot, and even though our bank balance isnt too healthy after a year of IVF treatment, we are rich with friends, real friends and most of all...we have eachother...even though there are times we could kill eachother...this whole thing has brought us so close and we know that whatever the future may hold...we will get through it so long as we have eachother.

Coffee, Chocolate Cake and No More Chemo...!!!

We went to the hospital to have bloods taken on Thursday morning to check the HCG levels, and I got a call from the nurse yestersay to say that my levels are down to 1.2, which is both good and bad....good because it means I won't need to have anymore chemotherapy...and bad because it means that my embryos are almost completely dead, and as soon as they are dead...I will start to lose them...which means more pain and bleeding as both my womb and my left fallopian tube begin to contract in order to expel the contents.

I feel like this is beginning to start already as I am starting to have some cramps this evening.

I had a really nice day today...my friend Rachel came to pick me up and brought me to town for a bit, initially I really did not want to go, as I absolutely hated the thought of going out and being around people and meeting people and having to talk to them, but it turned out to be a good thing. The more walking around I did, the less it was hurting me to move around, we went for coffee and cake, chocolate of course, and we did some shopping. I did meet some people that I know and although my concern was having to talk to people and not wanting to...it turned out to be a lot more uncomfortable for the people that I met, as they just did not know what to say, yet they wanted to say something.

The last thing I want to do is make people feel uncomfortable around me, I know everyone wants to help and people genuinely do not know what to say, but don't worry...because the 'right words' do not exist, but I really do appreciate the effort and the sentiment.

Today is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support and Awareness Day and people all over the world are lighting candles to contribute to the World Wide Wave of Light between 7pm and 8pm to show their support. Lots of people have sent me pictures of their lighted candles along with messages that they are thinking of us at this time, and even though it is heartbreaking for me, it has made me smile everytime.

We genuinely feel that people all over the world, but mostly our friends here are really and truly sharing this experience with us. From Patrick's sister-in-law who came to see me in the hospital on the day we found out that the babies were both going to die and couldnt talk because she was so upset for us, to my friend Mary who came to visit me, armed with a big box of chocolates because she just didnt know what to say (apart from telling me that there was a fire at work and the place was surrounded with fire-brigades and police cars...!!!) you have a strange sense of humour, but you made me smile...........to my friend Rachel, who is the best in the world, she is there for me no matter what I need, to laugh, to cry, to talk, to scream, to rant...whatever it is...I know she is there to help me through it....to all the girls at work who sent me flowers and lovely messages and are keeping the place standing and running in my absence (I know its hard without me, girls, but ye are doing a great job...!!!) To Paul and Hilary, who sent me flowers all the way from the UK...to my friends in America and the UK who have called and text and sent lovely emails, and even though they dont know anything other than 'Anne-Marie has a sore tummy'...to all the children at Bright Beginnings who made me the most beautiful cards...which I will treasure for ever, along with the memory of my bed in the hospital being covered in glitter from the cards. I wish I could name everyone who has sent us messages and thoughts throughout this whole experience which can only be described as a bizzare series of events, and to those of you who continue to be there for us no matter what...

Thank you all so much, we will never forget the level of support we have received and how each and every one of you has helped us at this time. Lots of Love to you all.xx.

International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support and Awareness Day.xx.

People around the world are lighting candles from 7pm to 8pm in support of October 15th, International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support and Awareness Day.

I've lit seven candles...one for each of my little angels...

It's a small gesture but it means a lot to people who have lost babies, both in the womb or shortly after birth.

Thank you for lighting your candle.xx.

Home Six Days

Ok so...I am home from hospital 6 days now and unfortunately my levels seem to have stopped at 47 and don't seem to be dropping any further. I have to  go back to the hospital tomorrow to have my levels tested again and if they have not dropped to below 5, we will have to repeat the chemotherapy......which we really really do not want to do.

Unfortunately, the drugs used in chemotherapy do not just attack embryonic cells...they attack any cells in the body that develop quickly, so they have attacked the cells in my nose, mouth and throat, causing lots of ulcers and blisters. It has also attacked my hair, causing it to become very brittle and parts of it are just breaking off.......so, we really do not want to repeat the chemotherapy process!

Yesterday, I got very worried that I am still in a lot of pain as I really thought it would have started to subside by now, but Patrick told me that the surgeon had said that it could be 4 or 5 weeks before I begin to notice any decrease in pain levels.

I know many people could argue that I did not cope well on previous occassions, but I am really really not coping well this time. I think that on previous occassions I always had it in my head that we would go straight back and try again, but this time...knowing that we will not be going straight back...it feels very final and that is very very hard to accept.

I am kind of flitting between being upset and being angry. Yesterday, I was watching telly and one of those ads came on about the starving children in Africa and asking people to send 'just £3 a month...'. The picture showed a woman who was clearly starving and malnourished, holding her baby....this made me so angry. I wasnt angry that they were looking for help or support....I was angry that she was starving and malnourished and had no prenatal care and yet she managed to get pregnant and give birth to a relatively healthy baby.

I know it may not be rational thought, but this blog has always been about writing truthfully and honestly from the heart and espressing how I am feeling and what is going through my head as we go along this rollercoaster of a path that has been laid before us.

However, we have just realised (or been forced to realise) that the rollercoaster is not the only amusement at this fair that we call Life, so we are going to take a break from the rollercoaster, a long-term break.

We're just going to enjoy the 'Fair' for a while.

Ectopic Pregnancy, Emergency Surgery and Chemotherapy...!!!

So...we were on our way to Clonmel on Sunday to do some shopping and I knew I was having some cramps as we were in the car. When we got to the shopping centre I just went to the bathroom where I was bleeding very heavily and then felt a ripping sensation in my left side.

We went straight to the hospital and thirty minutes later I was on the way to theatre for emergency surgery.

One of the embryos had made its way into my left fallopian tube, causing an ectopic pregnancy.

The Dr. did not remove the tube as the swelling in the tube at that time was quite small and he said that they do not like to take tubes from young women unless it is absolutely necessary.

Meanwhile, the results of Saturday's blood test came back and the levels were 811 which is a good number. The levels were checked again on Monday morning, and we got the results back yesterday morning; 356.

Initially this looked like both embryos were failing and it would just be a matter of time, however it turned out that the embryo in the womb was failing fast but the one in the tube was still developping and the pain was getting more and more intense, until it became more like a popping, throbbing sensation.

At this point the Dr. came in to tell us that we need to do something and we need to do it fast. There were 2 options; open surgery to remove the tube or Methotrexate, a course of low-dose chemotherapy (yes, the same drugs that they give to cancer patients). The purpose of the Methotrexate is to kill fast-developping cells, so it would instantly attack both embryos, however the list of side-effects appeared to be endless.

The Dr. told us that the risks involved in taking a course of Methotrexate are much less than the risks involved in open surgery, especially at Midnight.

They had to send a courier to Waterford hospital to collect the drugs as they had not used them previously in Clonmel, they arrived just after Midnight. A little while later 2 Drs and 3 nurses enter my room, covered from head to toe, the drugs were very carefully unwrapped and were then injected into my body through two needles, one in each hip. This was the scariest part of the whole experience for me, knowing that those drugs are so powerful that the Medical staff can not risk any contact with them, but yet they were being injected straight into my body!

I was very sick after this and spent most of the night vomiting, until they gave me an injection to stop the sickness.

I slept most of the day today, until the Dr. came in at 5 o'clock to say that the methotrexate had worked well and I was out of the danger zone as the levels were down to 66.

First Question: "Can I go home?"

He was happy enough to let me go home on the condition that I do absolutely nothing and I go back down to the hospital every day to continue to have my levels monitored.

So...to recap; Emergency Surgery is no fun, Ectopic pregnancies are no fun, having three incisions and lots of stitches, not to mention the bruising and pain...is no fun, Morphine on demand is kinda fun but that only lasts so long...and Chemotherapy is definitely no fun...!!!

So...This whole experience has been a whole pile of NO FUN, and we have decided that we need to give IVF a break for a while. I am going to get better, I know it will take a while but I will get better and then we will go away on a holiday and just take a break from this thing that has consumed our lives for the past 2 years.

My brother Liam rang me last night when he heard about the Chemotherapy and he said 'Anne-Marie, I know how much you want to have a baby, but you are going to kill yourself in the process' and last night compounded that for me.....ectopic pregnancies, emergency surgery, chemotherapy...these are all scary terms and they are even scarier when you have no choice but to have your body cut open and then a little while later, lay there while Dr.s pump your body full of dangerous chemicals, and all for the purpose of saving my life and saving my fertility.

It is time for us to just stop now.

On the up side, I am just home now and even though I am very sore and in a lot of pain...I have gotten so many kisses and cuddles from Lulu, the excitement when she saw me...Oh I missed that puppy so much...!!!

I Am Such A Worry-Wart...!!!

I had some more bleeding this evening, so I rang Clonmel hospital and they said to come straight down.

They did an ultra sound scan which didn't show anything, so they then did a transvaginal scan which showed definite 'occupancy of my womb' but the scanning machine was not strong enough to give a clear picture of how many embryos are in there.

They also did a urine pregnancy test which turned positive straight away, and they took some blood to check the HCG Levels, so we will have those results on Monday.

I know some bleeding in early pregnancy is probably nothing to worry about but gosh, with our history...any amount of bleeding causes pure panic and thoughts that the worst is happening again.

Right now, We are so elated that I am still pregnant, every time that we have gone to the hospital with bleeding before...we have come home with bad news...but not this time.

I know it is just a small step, but for us it is a huge leap...it is like all of our Christmasses have come together...!!!