Wishing It Was Me.......

I guess I've not made a secret of the fact that I'm having a pretty crap time at the minute, really feel like the universe is testing me to see just how far I can be pushed before I crack.

Aside from what I wrote in the First Time for Everything  post, Two of my best friends have just broken the news to be that they are pregnant. I suppose what surprises me most is how difficult it was for them to tell me, they were fretting so much about how I was going to react. Both of these peole have had struggles in this area, both have been trying for a long time to get pregnant and funnily enough, both had recently confided in me that they are just ready to give up trying (before they found out they were pregnant obvioulsy).

These people are my friends, and that is not something that I can honestly say about a lot of people; There are not too many people in this world that I truly consider to be my 'friend'. I am so happy for both of them and I would hate for their joy and happiness in this time to be ruined for them because of how they imagined I would feel about it. Is there a part of me that wishes it was me? Of course there is, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't starting to feel more and more left behind everytime I hear of someone else who has found a way through their struggle and has become pregnant, but I truly want this to be the most special pregnancy experience ever for my friends, because although I am green with envy, I know how hard the journey has been for them and I know how much they deserve to be where they are right now. So ladies...stop worrying about how you think this is affecting me and just enjoy this womderful time in your lives...(Just promise to keep notes for me and tell me all about it when I finally get to that stage.xx.)

So...as I was alone last night, I took to Twitter to find some people who blog for similar reasons to mine, and I was overwhelmed by the number of people who are going through the same thing...like hundreds of thousands of people who are having this same struggle. I got talking to some people and I found that it was really helping. I got talking to one lady in particular, who is a similar age to me and in a very similar situation and she simply asked me 'how many attempts have you had?'

You know...I really had to think............ and when I did...the result was just staggering...I really did lock a lot of things away in the back of my mind to the point where it felt like someone else's story, and as this conversation was taking place in text form...I had to type it out (as Twitter only allows 140 characters, it had to all be abbreviated, hence why people suffering from infertility issues become masters of abbreviation), but the results are as follows;

1 x Natural Miscarriage at 9 weeks.
1 x Natural Ectopic Pregnancy at 7 weeks.
ICSI-IVF resulting in 8 Embryos and a severe case of Ovarian HyperStimulation Syndrome.
Transfer No.1; 1 embryo, BFP, Miscarried at 7 weeks.
Transfer No.2; 1 embryo died in thawing process, 2 embryos implanted, BFP,  Miscarried at 6 weeks.
Transfer No. 3; 2 embryos, BFP, 1 lost by ectopic pregnancy at 6 weeks, 1 lost by Methotrexate at 7 weeks.
2 embryos left in cyropreservation.

It seems so clinical writing it all out like that, its just a history of facts, there are no emotions, no feelings, no concept or indication of just how difficult it all is, And unfortunately, to a lot of people who are not going through something similar or have no experience of infertility, miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies and anything related to subfertility.....that list that I have typed out could just as well be a list of what their mechanic did to their car during its last service. It seems that even though the number of people suffering in a similar manner to me is absolutely huge, we have to come to terms with the fact that unless they have experienced it and lived it, other people simply cannot understand how truly it difficult it is. This is not a negative reflection on those people, its just impossible to truly understand if you haven't experienced it.

I think this is why it was so hard for my friends to tell me that they are pregnant...because they have lived the struggle and they know how difficult it is, they have felt those feelings when others have broken the news to them that they were pregnant, they have experience of wanting to be happy for your friends but at the same time wishing so much that it was you to the point where you start to question if it will ever be you.

I know that in a few days, I will be able to draw hope from my friends' pregnancies, hope that it can happen for me too...but for right now... I'm still stuck on wishing it was me.xx.