Stop Trying To Be Superwoman

A week ago, just when I thought I was starting to turn a corner, we ended up having to go to Caredoc in the middle of the night because the pain got really really bad and I started vomiting so couldnt keep any pain killers down. Turns out I had a kidney infection on top of everything else.... and now, three weeks after surgery and three lots of antibiotics later... the infection still hasnt cleared and the pain has eased.

So... me being me, thought it would be a great idea to go in to work for a few hours on Monday, I didnt drive, but I did spend about 4 hours there, I wasnt exactly doing anything, just talking and meeting people... but I did spend a lot of time on my feet.........BIG MISTAKE...!!!

I was crippled on Tuesday, I couldnt move all day. I had a lot of abdominal distension and swelling... and the pain... and then I got the worst migraine I can ever remember having in my life... I was just miserable.

It turns out that was waaaayyyyy too early to be up and about and ridiculously too early to be spending that amount of time on my feet. Apparently, this operation was a much bigger deal than I had first thought. The entire surface of both my ovaries had to be blasted and completely burnt, meaning that both of my ovaries are completely black and will take quite some time to heal. They also had to fix the left tube, and also there was a lot of scar tissue and adhesions from previous surgeries that had to be cut out and removed.

Patrick took me to see Gordon on Wednesday afternoon, admittedly... I was nowhere near up to travelling to Cork and this was very obvious by the way I hobbled into the clinic. Gordon was surprised by the fact that I had travelled the whole way down there in the condition I was in. I suppose I felt that if I was going down there... I was doing something and I knew that Gordon would be able to help me sort out my head and my emotions... I just kinda forgot one thing............... I am probably in the worst physical condition I have ever been in and I need to allow my body to heal first. He told me to 'Stop trying to be Superwoman', he said that it is ok to just rest and that it is so important for me to allow my body all the time it needs to heal completely, he pointed out that my body has been through so much, that I just need to recover, I need to put me first and do what is best for me. He said that I need to be able to ask people for help, I need to be able to tell people that I am actually not ok and that I need some assistance to do things. I struggle with this, I hate the thought of asking for help, I'd hate to think that I was putting someone else out for me... at this point, Patrick pointed out that I put myself out for other people every day and I never think twice about it.

This experience has been very different for me than the previous experiences, primarily because this time my body is not pumped full of hormones and steroids, everything I am feeling is what I am actually feeling and it is very different. The scary part is that I remember very little of what I went through last year, when I read back through the blog, it is actually like I am reading someone else's story and this is purely down to the volume of hormones and steroids that was being pumped into my system. This is difficult emotionally, very difficult, but at least I know that what I am feeling is real, it is not a side effect of coming off the hormones, and this is the reason that we have decided that we will not be going back to IVF treatment.

We have answers now and we both truly believe that I can get pregnant naturally and have a healthy pregnancy right to full term............... but for now, I need to take the advice of Mr. Mullins and just recover.