The Case Of The Uninvited Egg...!!!

Patrick brought me to town on Thursday because I needed to go to the bank. I was in the bank...picked up the lodgement slip to fill it out and I couldnt find a pen...which is no big deal...except it was a huge deal at the time and I started to panic...my throat felt tight and I was starting to sweat, I felt like I just needed to get out of there...!  Fortunately, in my panic I managed to spot a pen on one of the other counters and all was fine.

Fast forward to Saturday morning...my friend Mary picked me up and we went to this beautiful cafe in Cahir for lunch. I ordered a bagel with cream cheese and bacon....except when it came out it was a bagel with cream cheese, bacon and some kind of an egg-based spread. Immediately the same thing happened, my throat got tight, I started to sweat..I was panicking. Not wanting to make it obvious...I picked up the bagel and took a bite...only to find it very difficult to swallow because my throat was so tight...so my immediate reaction was to concentrate on being able to breathe (Poor Mary, I swear she thought I was choking...!!!). So, I then told her what was going on...and I figured out that I could just scrape the eggy stuff off the bagel and all was fine.

Turns out these arent panic attacks in the conventional sense, but more an attack brought on by my body being so physically and mentally exhausted that it just cannot rationalise how to deal with such everyday occurances.

I've still not been getting much sleep if any...its usually around 6 or 7am when I'm finally dozing off. Was the same story on Sunday night...didnt start to doze off until 8am Monday morning, woke up at 11am and found that I was unable to move, my body felt like it was made of concrete. I had hit the point of being so completely exhausted that my body just could not move. I spent all of Monday in bed, flitting between dozing and just laying there. I did manage to get a few hours sleep last night...so hopefully the whole not sleeping thing is starting to improve.

Home Two Weeks...Yes, It's Only Been Two Weeks...!!!

I'm home just over 2 weeks now and am still having unreal pain. My tube has started contracting this evening, which has just been excrutiating. The Dr. told me this would happen once the embryos were completely dead as both the womb and the tube have to expel their contents...just the tube has to contract a lot more than the womb and it is so so painful. Unfortunately....I am informed that this pain can last for any length from 6 weeks to 3 months...!!!

I had a really good morning today, met a friend for coffee (or three) and a chat, called into work for a bit and then went to the supermarket...and that's when the pain started. (I think I'm going to have to stop going shopping...I seem to end up in pain everytime I go now...!!!). I ended up having to get some morphine and that just knocked me out...I slept for a few hours and the pain started again not long after I woke up.

I made the decision yesterday to go and get my hair cut, It was in such bad condition from the Methotrexate and all the other drugs, it was breaking off and starting to fall out, so I figured it was best to just get it all cut up. It absolutely killed me to do it...I just cried the whole time my hair was being cut...and then seeing all of my once beautiful hair on the floor...it was just terrible.

Everyone is telling me my hair is nice this way and I have to admit that it looks much healthier as all the bad hair is gone. I think it was just the defining moment for me...having to have all my hair cut up just compounded how badly all of this has gone wrong!

When I called into work I got loads of hugs and kisses from the children....one of whom asked if I was all better now...to which I responded that I was nearly all better....the response I got...
"But we made you a magic card to make you all better...did it not work?"  (Heart-breaking stuff...!!!)

I am now a firm believer of 'what goes around, comes around'. Me, as a person...I hate to see anyone upset or having a hard  time and it is in my nature to want to help and make everything ok. The amount of calls, messages and emails that I have received from people reminding me of how they have never forgotten that I was there for them in their time of need, telling me not to hesitiate to pick up the phone if I need anything.

I really do appreciate it because I am finally at a stage where I can actually admit that I do need help (yeah, yeah I know...finally...!!!). I am simply not able to do everything right now and most of all...I am finally able to ask for help. But the most amazing part for me is that people actually want to help...I know everyone says that they want to help...but this time...people actually do want to.

Patrick and I are starting to realise that for everything we dont have...we really do have a lot, and even though our bank balance isnt too healthy after a year of IVF treatment, we are rich with friends, real friends and most of all...we have eachother...even though there are times we could kill eachother...this whole thing has brought us so close and we know that whatever the future may hold...we will get through it so long as we have eachother.

Coffee, Chocolate Cake and No More Chemo...!!!

We went to the hospital to have bloods taken on Thursday morning to check the HCG levels, and I got a call from the nurse yestersay to say that my levels are down to 1.2, which is both good and bad....good because it means I won't need to have anymore chemotherapy...and bad because it means that my embryos are almost completely dead, and as soon as they are dead...I will start to lose them...which means more pain and bleeding as both my womb and my left fallopian tube begin to contract in order to expel the contents.

I feel like this is beginning to start already as I am starting to have some cramps this evening.

I had a really nice day today...my friend Rachel came to pick me up and brought me to town for a bit, initially I really did not want to go, as I absolutely hated the thought of going out and being around people and meeting people and having to talk to them, but it turned out to be a good thing. The more walking around I did, the less it was hurting me to move around, we went for coffee and cake, chocolate of course, and we did some shopping. I did meet some people that I know and although my concern was having to talk to people and not wanting to...it turned out to be a lot more uncomfortable for the people that I met, as they just did not know what to say, yet they wanted to say something.

The last thing I want to do is make people feel uncomfortable around me, I know everyone wants to help and people genuinely do not know what to say, but don't worry...because the 'right words' do not exist, but I really do appreciate the effort and the sentiment.

Today is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support and Awareness Day and people all over the world are lighting candles to contribute to the World Wide Wave of Light between 7pm and 8pm to show their support. Lots of people have sent me pictures of their lighted candles along with messages that they are thinking of us at this time, and even though it is heartbreaking for me, it has made me smile everytime.

We genuinely feel that people all over the world, but mostly our friends here are really and truly sharing this experience with us. From Patrick's sister-in-law who came to see me in the hospital on the day we found out that the babies were both going to die and couldnt talk because she was so upset for us, to my friend Mary who came to visit me, armed with a big box of chocolates because she just didnt know what to say (apart from telling me that there was a fire at work and the place was surrounded with fire-brigades and police cars...!!!) you have a strange sense of humour, but you made me smile...........to my friend Rachel, who is the best in the world, she is there for me no matter what I need, to laugh, to cry, to talk, to scream, to rant...whatever it is...I know she is there to help me through it....to all the girls at work who sent me flowers and lovely messages and are keeping the place standing and running in my absence (I know its hard without me, girls, but ye are doing a great job...!!!) To Paul and Hilary, who sent me flowers all the way from the UK...to my friends in America and the UK who have called and text and sent lovely emails, and even though they dont know anything other than 'Anne-Marie has a sore tummy'...to all the children at Bright Beginnings who made me the most beautiful cards...which I will treasure for ever, along with the memory of my bed in the hospital being covered in glitter from the cards. I wish I could name everyone who has sent us messages and thoughts throughout this whole experience which can only be described as a bizzare series of events, and to those of you who continue to be there for us no matter what...

Thank you all so much, we will never forget the level of support we have received and how each and every one of you has helped us at this time. Lots of Love to you all.xx.

International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support and Awareness Day.xx.

People around the world are lighting candles from 7pm to 8pm in support of October 15th, International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support and Awareness Day.

I've lit seven candles...one for each of my little angels...

It's a small gesture but it means a lot to people who have lost babies, both in the womb or shortly after birth.

Thank you for lighting your candle.xx.

Home Six Days

Ok so...I am home from hospital 6 days now and unfortunately my levels seem to have stopped at 47 and don't seem to be dropping any further. I have to  go back to the hospital tomorrow to have my levels tested again and if they have not dropped to below 5, we will have to repeat the chemotherapy......which we really really do not want to do.

Unfortunately, the drugs used in chemotherapy do not just attack embryonic cells...they attack any cells in the body that develop quickly, so they have attacked the cells in my nose, mouth and throat, causing lots of ulcers and blisters. It has also attacked my hair, causing it to become very brittle and parts of it are just breaking off.......so, we really do not want to repeat the chemotherapy process!

Yesterday, I got very worried that I am still in a lot of pain as I really thought it would have started to subside by now, but Patrick told me that the surgeon had said that it could be 4 or 5 weeks before I begin to notice any decrease in pain levels.

I know many people could argue that I did not cope well on previous occassions, but I am really really not coping well this time. I think that on previous occassions I always had it in my head that we would go straight back and try again, but this time...knowing that we will not be going straight back...it feels very final and that is very very hard to accept.

I am kind of flitting between being upset and being angry. Yesterday, I was watching telly and one of those ads came on about the starving children in Africa and asking people to send 'just £3 a month...'. The picture showed a woman who was clearly starving and malnourished, holding her baby....this made me so angry. I wasnt angry that they were looking for help or support....I was angry that she was starving and malnourished and had no prenatal care and yet she managed to get pregnant and give birth to a relatively healthy baby.

I know it may not be rational thought, but this blog has always been about writing truthfully and honestly from the heart and espressing how I am feeling and what is going through my head as we go along this rollercoaster of a path that has been laid before us.

However, we have just realised (or been forced to realise) that the rollercoaster is not the only amusement at this fair that we call Life, so we are going to take a break from the rollercoaster, a long-term break.

We're just going to enjoy the 'Fair' for a while.

Ectopic Pregnancy, Emergency Surgery and Chemotherapy...!!!

So...we were on our way to Clonmel on Sunday to do some shopping and I knew I was having some cramps as we were in the car. When we got to the shopping centre I just went to the bathroom where I was bleeding very heavily and then felt a ripping sensation in my left side.

We went straight to the hospital and thirty minutes later I was on the way to theatre for emergency surgery.

One of the embryos had made its way into my left fallopian tube, causing an ectopic pregnancy.

The Dr. did not remove the tube as the swelling in the tube at that time was quite small and he said that they do not like to take tubes from young women unless it is absolutely necessary.

Meanwhile, the results of Saturday's blood test came back and the levels were 811 which is a good number. The levels were checked again on Monday morning, and we got the results back yesterday morning; 356.

Initially this looked like both embryos were failing and it would just be a matter of time, however it turned out that the embryo in the womb was failing fast but the one in the tube was still developping and the pain was getting more and more intense, until it became more like a popping, throbbing sensation.

At this point the Dr. came in to tell us that we need to do something and we need to do it fast. There were 2 options; open surgery to remove the tube or Methotrexate, a course of low-dose chemotherapy (yes, the same drugs that they give to cancer patients). The purpose of the Methotrexate is to kill fast-developping cells, so it would instantly attack both embryos, however the list of side-effects appeared to be endless.

The Dr. told us that the risks involved in taking a course of Methotrexate are much less than the risks involved in open surgery, especially at Midnight.

They had to send a courier to Waterford hospital to collect the drugs as they had not used them previously in Clonmel, they arrived just after Midnight. A little while later 2 Drs and 3 nurses enter my room, covered from head to toe, the drugs were very carefully unwrapped and were then injected into my body through two needles, one in each hip. This was the scariest part of the whole experience for me, knowing that those drugs are so powerful that the Medical staff can not risk any contact with them, but yet they were being injected straight into my body!

I was very sick after this and spent most of the night vomiting, until they gave me an injection to stop the sickness.

I slept most of the day today, until the Dr. came in at 5 o'clock to say that the methotrexate had worked well and I was out of the danger zone as the levels were down to 66.

First Question: "Can I go home?"

He was happy enough to let me go home on the condition that I do absolutely nothing and I go back down to the hospital every day to continue to have my levels monitored.

So...to recap; Emergency Surgery is no fun, Ectopic pregnancies are no fun, having three incisions and lots of stitches, not to mention the bruising and pain...is no fun, Morphine on demand is kinda fun but that only lasts so long...and Chemotherapy is definitely no fun...!!!

So...This whole experience has been a whole pile of NO FUN, and we have decided that we need to give IVF a break for a while. I am going to get better, I know it will take a while but I will get better and then we will go away on a holiday and just take a break from this thing that has consumed our lives for the past 2 years.

My brother Liam rang me last night when he heard about the Chemotherapy and he said 'Anne-Marie, I know how much you want to have a baby, but you are going to kill yourself in the process' and last night compounded that for me.....ectopic pregnancies, emergency surgery, chemotherapy...these are all scary terms and they are even scarier when you have no choice but to have your body cut open and then a little while later, lay there while Dr.s pump your body full of dangerous chemicals, and all for the purpose of saving my life and saving my fertility.

It is time for us to just stop now.

On the up side, I am just home now and even though I am very sore and in a lot of pain...I have gotten so many kisses and cuddles from Lulu, the excitement when she saw me...Oh I missed that puppy so much...!!!

I Am Such A Worry-Wart...!!!

I had some more bleeding this evening, so I rang Clonmel hospital and they said to come straight down.

They did an ultra sound scan which didn't show anything, so they then did a transvaginal scan which showed definite 'occupancy of my womb' but the scanning machine was not strong enough to give a clear picture of how many embryos are in there.

They also did a urine pregnancy test which turned positive straight away, and they took some blood to check the HCG Levels, so we will have those results on Monday.

I know some bleeding in early pregnancy is probably nothing to worry about but gosh, with our history...any amount of bleeding causes pure panic and thoughts that the worst is happening again.

Right now, We are so elated that I am still pregnant, every time that we have gone to the hospital with bleeding before...we have come home with bad news...but not this time.

I know it is just a small step, but for us it is a huge leap...it is like all of our Christmasses have come together...!!!

Yaaayyyyy Still Pregnant...!!!

So... being pregnant definitely kicks not-being-pregnant's ass...!!!

Even if I do feel like my uterus is about to burst and I am routinely dreaming that I am chopping people up and feeding them to my dogs...!!!

I rang the Clinic today so my scan is scheduled for Friday week at 12pm, during which we will find out how many little miracles are in my womb.

I am having morning sickness in the afternoons, seem to be spending half my time peeing, my boobs are ginormous and I am still having some spotting.

All horrid, but all good pregnancy signs, although with the pressure and stretching pains that I am feeling...I reckon there must be about seven of them in there...!!!

I Am Soooooooooooooo

Pregnant...!!!

Turns out the bleeding was just caused by the Cyclogest pessaries irritating my cervix.

So we will find out next week how many babies are in there.

Sooooo exciting...xx.

Here We Go Again.......

I have had some bleeding tonight, a small amount but enough to be worrying.

A call to the hospital was completely useless as I was just told that unfortunately we will not be able to tell anything until Wednesday.

I know that a small amount of bleeding at this stage can be implantation bleeding, but implantation bleeding is usually dark red or brownish in colour, and the bleeding I am having is very bright red in colour.

...and so the waiting begins to see what hand Fate has dealt us this time.......

The State of P.U.P.O

I am currently in the increasingly familiar state of being Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.

I am still quite sore today and feel like I have a lot of bruising from the procedure yesterday. I am also developing a lot of horrid bruises on my stomach from the daily Innohep injections that I started yesterday, along with  NuSeal Aspirin, both of which are supposed to thin my blood and prevent clots in the hope of decreasing the chances of miscarriage.

I am also taking six lots of Fematab Hormones in tablet form every day and two lots of Cyclogest Progesterone Pessaries every day, both of which are designed to make my womb lining very thick and hopefully a snug place for the embryos to latch on to.

I've finished the course of Oxytetracycline today, which was four times a day for 5 days and its purpose is to prevent infection before, during and after the Transfer.
I also finished the course of Medrone today, which is also Progestrone based and its purpose is to prevent a build-up of estrogen in the womb.

I have to continue with the full dose of Fematab, Cyclogest, Innohep and NuSeal Aspirin for the next few weeks and possibly up to week 14 of pregnancy (all going well)...!!!

For now though, it is sleepy time for me. I'm still collecting 'Sticky Thoughts' so keep sending them my way for the next 24 hours please.

Nighty Night.xx.

Speculum Wins...So Glad That's Over...!!!

Round three definitely goes to 'The Speculum'

I am crippled after it, it was just pure agony.

So...I definitely will not be moving off of the couch for thenext few days...!!!

On the bright side though...I have 2 beautiful embryos inside me, they thawed with no problem and we had no delays with the transfer.

I was very anxious before and during the procedure, as soon as the nurse asked me how I am...I burst into tears...(and this was before we had even left the waiting room...!!!)

It was all relatively quick and we were back on the road within an hour.

The wait is only 12 days this time and in all honesty, I am not even thinking about that. I really am in too much pain right now. I am curled up on the couch waiting for one of my best friends (and she really is one of the best friends anyone could ever have) to come over for a bit and keep me company as my wonderful Husband has to go to work for a few hours.

I think I will stay on the couch tonight, as trying to make it up the 14 steps to the bedroom simply does not seem like a plausible option right now.

Thank you all so much for all your kind words, messages and prayers today, every time I received one, it made me smile and made me so aware that even though I was in bits with nerves...I knew I wouldnt be alone through this.

Still thinking 'Sticky' please.xx.

Sticky Thoughts Please.xx.

Ok...so I didn't have any nerves last night...but that has been completely rectified this morning...!!!

I woke up at 6am with a knot in my stomach, I actually feel physically sick with nerves and anxiety about today.

I won't be able to have acupuncture before and after the transfer this time. This really helped the last time as I was so relaxed getting to the Clinic, I didnt feel anything. Gordon is leaving for the UK this morning, hence my appointment with him yesterday evening and I will see him again on Monday. (I have, of course, asked him if he wouldn't mind running his plans by me in future, before confirming anything to ensure this type of thing does not happen again ;-) )

I am oozing nerves this morning and I still have 3 hours before I can even call the Clinic to see if our embryos have survived the thawing process or not.

I'm half thinking of going in to work for a few hours, but I fear I may be shot if I do...with my army of 'you take care of yourself and don't lift a finger all weekend, we have everything under control', and I know they do have everything under control, they are just fantastic.......now.......if I could only get these nerves under control...!!!

I think time is actually going backwards this morning, it is passing so slowly...!!!

Not that I am especially looking forward to beginning round three of  Me Vs 'The Speculum', but this waiting is just awful!

I think I may be a little bit delirious with nerves, it is just such an anxious time.....I hate waiting, and what is even worse than the waiting is the fact that I have absolutely no control over the outcome. I will leave the Clinic today with two embryos in my womb and what happens after that is completely in the hands of Fate...

The dice will be rolled.....the coin tossed....Will the embryos stay in place.......or......will they fail to attach,   will they attach for a while and then be hit with a curve ball, causing them to detach, will I once again get to hear my babies' heartbeats and then miscarry shortly after..................... The answer, unfortunately, is not up to me..........It lays in the hands of Fate and lets all just hope and pray that even through the wind and the rain that is lashing down outside, Fate finds a tiny window of opportunity to allow its light to shine on me and my babies for the next few weeks..........It just has to work this time, right?

I need you all to send 'sticky' thoughts my way for the next few days.....and if this doesn't work...I may be having a tube of superglue put in with them next time...!!!

All Systems Go

Just home from my last accupuncture session before the Transfer tomorrow.

I guess I'm feeling ok about it, not feeling nervous (yet...!!!), but that most likely will change in the morning.

I'm heading off to bed now...its been a very busy week and I need to be well rested for tomorrow's procedure, then its bedrest until Monday morning.

Will update tomorrow evening...fingers crossed everything goes well.xx.

Transfer Number Three

Just back from Cork and all is looking fine.

We will be transferring two more blastocysts on Friday morning.

How am I feeling about this...???...I honestly do not know.

Still experiencing a sense of numbness regarding the whole thing, I feel like I'm in a constant state of being lost in thought yet unable to think.

I do feel that it is the right thing to do to go ahead and have two more transferred straight away, so hopefully it is the right decision and all will go well this time.

Strength is . . .

Gordon said to me today 'You are one of the strongest people I know, but today you are weak'.

This completely threw my whole perception. You see....I thought I was being strong, or at least I was trying to be. Going to work, putting on a front, pretending that I am fine, refusing to deal with what is actually going on.

I arrived at Gordon's clinic today, after coming from the Fertility Clinic. I was stressed beyond belief, I was exhausted, irritable and just completely pissed off. I was at the point where I just was not even able to talk. Gordon commented that he has never seen me so tense.

After two and a half hours of mimicking a pin cushion, being made to talk and externalise what was going on inside of me, having my buttons pushed, questionning and eventually breaking down and crying..........I finally was stronger, because I had been taking the easy way out by not dealing with what was going on, and that made me weak.

I left Gordon's clinic today, and I was a different person to the person who walked in two and a half hours earlier. In that short period of time I had been made to deal with what might have taken me months to deal with had I kept going the way I was going.

I am feeling completely different now. I feel like I will finally get some decent sleep tonight, so yeah...definitely a good change.

I have to go back to the Fertility Clinic on Sunday for another scan and all going well, I think we will have 2 more embryos implanted towards the end of next week. I know this might sound like we are rushing back into this...but there is a method to my madness.......I am on medication which contain high levels of hormones from the previous transfer, and the come-down off of those hormones is just horrid, not to mention the uncertainty of waiting for my cycle to return and stabilise, so I made the decision this time that I will not go through that. I decided that I would stay on the hormones after the miscarriage and would have another implantation done as soon as possible.

We have four embryos left in cyropreservation in Cork, we had eight, we implanted one during the first transfer, one died during the thawing process of the second transfer, during which we transferred two embryos, so this time we will also have two transferred.

I know it is going to be a rough road emotionally, both dealing with what I have just gone through and dealing with the fears and uncertainties of a new transfer and all of the risks that it poses.

For now though, I need an early night and I need some decent sleep. Today turned out to be a very good day emotionally for me, I let go of a lot of the pain I was hanging on to. I know there will be some tough days in the next few weeks, some days where I will return to old habits of suppressing how I am feeling and not externalising, there will be lots of days when I will be weak again....but today.....Today, I am Strong.

Untitled...!!!

Isn't it funny how we try to fool ourselves...???

After coming from Cork on Tuesday I went straight to work and stayed there all day.......I worked all day Wednesday, I went to Cork for a scan yesterday and yes, you guessed it...I went straight back to work and stayed there all day and today again, a 10 hour day...just to keep my mind occupied.

I spent all week trying to convince everyone (and myself) that I'm actually fine, I'm doing ok. I'm much stronger this time and I am able to cope with this.

Except..............unfortunately...there comes a time when there is no more paperwork to redo just for the sake of it, there are no more reports to review for a third time...just in case I might have missed something the first two times. There comes a time when you have to come home from work, knowing you are going home to an empty house, knowing that at some point you are going to run out of distractions.

The fear of not having these pseudo-distractions, dominated only by the sheer panic of knowing that this is going to hit me, I am going to have to deal with this and it is not going to be easy.

I've done it so many times before, I was certain that I could just go through the motions this time and get on with things and just not let it affect me.

900 channels and nothing on, nobody on Facebook to chat to, that familiar knot begins to form in my stomach and it takes me a few minutes to realise what is causing it. I flick through the channels again...there must be something I can watch...anything..............but no...you see...there isn't anything that can stop this from happening. There isn't anything that can prevent me from once again having my heart ripped out and have it broken in half right before my eyes, knowing that eventually it will be replaced back into my chest...the problem being though...that once something has been broken, it never truly fits properly ever again.

I've laughed off the knowing looks of my friends all week....my real friends...the people who see past my facade and know that its all going to come crashing down, no matter how hard I try to avoid it.

Well, my dear friends..........you were right!

That knot in my stomach escalates to an unignorable level and I notice a warm tear rolling down my cheek.

I panic...I cannot go through this again! This stupid television...why can't there just be something on...???

The truth though, is that it wouldn't matter what was on the television tonight. My two little angels need me to deal with this and to let them go.

As I lay here, fighting to see the screen through my tears, knowing that as each of my real friends read this, they will want to know why I didnt just pick up the phone and call them, because every single one of them will feel this pain for me...............but tonight...this pain is all mine, it belongs to me and over the next few days as my body expels what could have been our beautiful twins and the physical pain escalates to the point where I honestly believe that it cant get any worse (and it will!), I will be comforted, if only slightly, by the fact that the physical pain is the easy part!

I hate to admit it, but I am beginning to lose hope. How many more times do I have to go through this before I can hold my own baby in my arms?...Will I ever hold my own baby in my arms...???

Two More Angels.......

Ok..so we wanted to surprise everyone in a few weeks with the news that I am pregnant with Twins..............

Unfortunately, I will not be pregnant with twins in a few weeks time.

Once again, I will fail to get past the 8 week mark. I have a cyst on my ovary which is taking the hormones from the babies. The hormone levels have dropped very fast so once again, we play the waiting game, waiting for the inevitable to happen.......

An Eye Opener

I went to the Clinic today for a routine scan, just to make sure everything is ok and to check that no cysts are forming on the ovaries and that type of thing.
As Patrick was working, my friend Rachel came with me. We shared a few giggles in the waiting room about the fact that we must have looked like a same-sex couple, among a room full of hetrosexual couples.

The scan went off without a hitch, the nurse had no problem finding my ovaries which was a huge surprise and the result was that everything is fine, there are no cysts forming and everything looks good.

We got out to the car and I rang Gordon to see if he had an appointment available, which he did, so as we were already in Cork, I thought it a good idea to go and have some acupuncture done too.

When I got off the phone with Gordon, I noticed that Rachel had a troubled look on her face. I asked if she was ok and she just responded that she just could not believe the amount of people that routinely struggle with what she and many others just take for granted. I suppose ten or twelve couples passed through the waiting room in the hour that we were there, every single one of them wanting so much to be parents and every single one of them carrying a similiar story to that of mine and Patrick's.

Rachel came with me to see Gordon, who took great pleasure in asking her about me and how I was really doing between acupuncture sessions. Rachel responded that I am a lot more relaxed, not as uptight and am not thinking about fertility all the time anymore.

Gordon then said to me 'She is a very good friend, she knows you very very well', indeed she is and indeed she does. Rachel has been there for me throughout my previous IVF cycle and is one of the first people to ask about how each appointment goes with Gordon (she made the comment at the weekend that even though she has never met Gordon, she feels like he is her best friend because she hears so much about him), I think even though today was an eye opener for her and I would go as far as to say that it shocked her a little bit, I think she understands on a deeper level what we are actually going through.

On some level, I think I have become slightly oblivious to the amount of people who go through the fertility clinic as I have been on the inside looking out for so long, but for someone like Rachel, who has two beautiful children...I suppose I could liken the experience to a first-world resident visiting a third-world country...

The product yearned is different, but the starvation is the same.

Every person attending that clinic has a hunger, a need to be a parent and every time they get knocked back...a tiny piece of them dies.

I now have something that a lot of the other people attending that clinic do not have, I now have hope and with my support network including professionals like Gordon and special friends like Rachel, not to mention the thousands of people around the world...I know that whenever we decide to go back for our next transfer...we will be blessed with a healthy and full term pregnancy...and what comes after that is too exciting for me to even think about at this time of night...!!!

Gordon told me "Babies choose us, we don't choose them. Babies decide when they will come into our lives"

Well, little one...whenever you are ready...Mommy and Daddy are waiting for you.xx.

Me Me Me Me Me.......

Ok...so I went back down to see Gordon yesterday and the conversation started about my last blog post...which he had read.....and he proceded to tell me off for not talking more about myself and what I had done...!!! (I just can't win...!!!)

Hence the title of this post.

My thinking has evolved so much since I began attending for acupuncture. I no longer feel bitter or negative because of the babies I have lost, I no longer fear miscarrying again the next time I get pregnant. I am so looking forward to being pregnant again. It no longer bothers me when I see new born babies or pregnant women.

When I was waiting for my appointment yesterday (I had arrived 30 minutes early as I had gotten the time wrong), the lady with the appointment before mine came out of the treatment room. This lady was definitely at least 6 months pregnant and in my mind she was just beautifully pregnant. When I said this to Gordon he commented on how much my thinking and emotions had evolved from the very first time I had gone to see him, when it was too upsetting for me to sit in his waiting room because there were lots of pictures of babies on the wall and at the time, I just couldnt handle that.

My relationship with Patrick has evolved too, we are now a lot more open with eachother and we are communicating more than we ever have. I think I spent a long time expecting him to be a mindreader, I wanted him to understand how I was feeling...but I wasn't able to tell him how I was feeling.

Lulu.....well... she is just great...it is just not even conceivable how much love I have for that dog, she is beyond spoiled...!!!

and to top it all off...My cat is pregnant and not long off delivering I would imagine. Patrick and I are going away for a few days the week after next and even though Liam is staying at our house...I have visions of us returning to a scene of Lulu running around the house with a kitten in her mouth like a squeaky toy...!!!

So for now...we are going to enjoy the long weekend, hopefully a bbq tomorrow with some friends (weather permitting) and then some quality time with Patrick until its back to the grind on Tuesday.

Happy Weekend Everyone.xx.

A Glimmer of Hope

Ok, so its been just over seven weeks since I have posted on here..........the reason being...I simply needed a break. The words just would not come so I decided it best to wait until I felt up to posting again.

The last seven weeks have been a mixture of heartbreak, tears, complete dispair, trauma and among all of those things...a tiny glimmer of hope.

This glimmer of hope comes in the form of Gordon Mullins, an acupuncturist who specialises in fertility issues. He has a natural fertility clinic in Cork and as of now, I have been to see him 4 times.

The first visit, we just sat and talked for two and a half hours, I got to tell my story and to my surprise...he actually listened, and not only that...he was certain that he could help. He gave me hope, he told me that he would do everything that he could to ensure that my next pregnancy is a healthy one that goes to full term...(well, everything except actually get me pregnant...he did stress on several occassions that he will not actually get me pregnant...................I assured him that was quite alright and I'd prefer my husband to do that anyway...!!!)

On the second appointment, he introduced the needles which really are not anything like what I thought they would be. They are tiny and most of the time you only barely feel them, although a few times...they have actually hurt.........I am assured that this is not actually pain but the shifting of energy. During this appointment, Gordon told me that he would induce a period, and that I would have a bleed which would consist only or bright red blood. I think I may have laughed at him.....I got my first period when I was just nine years old and in all those years, I have never had a period that was just bright red blood. Gordon explained to me that if the bleeding is usually dark or contains clots...that is not a healthy womb lining for an embryo to grow in, as there is little or no oxygen in the womb lining.

That appointment was on a Thursday, by Sunday I was crippled with back pain...just like Gordon told me I would be...and by Tuesday, I had started to bleed...and yes...it was purely bright red blood...!!!

This guy is a Miracle Worker...!!!

Patrick came with me on the second and third visits, a true sceptic, but even he had no choice but to become a believer when, on the third visit...Whatever Gordon did gave me a sharp pain over my left eye, to which Gordon responded by putting a needle in the top of my right foot..............and the pain disappeared...yes, it actually just went instantly. Gordon explained that a pain over my left eye is connected to my liver and the spot where he put the needle in my foot is also connected to the Liver and therefore counter-acted the pain.

So...my most recent visit was last Thursday and during this visit I was finally able to vocalise my fear at the thought of going back to the Clinic and going through all of this again. I am terrified and at this point do not want to go back.

Initially after I miscarried, I told myself that I would go back straight away, as soon as I could and then I wouldnt have to deal with the underlying fear...I would just get on with it. But my sessions with Gordon have taught me that I need to deal with that fear and the fact that I do not want to go back to the Clinic means that I am simply not ready to. I am learning the importance of vocalising instead of internalising, a method I have studied in depth in a professional context...... but sometimes it is not so easy to follow your own advice.

For now.......Patrick and I are just enjoying being together. We are married three years on the 9th of August and in all honesty...that whole time has been spent between trying to have a baby, getting pregnant, losing babies, hospitals, clinics, medications, injections and just an unbelievable amount of stress.
So, we are spending some time just reconnecting, enjoying eachother's company and getting to know eachother as a couple, outside of trying to be parents.

As Gordon told me.....we need to bring the Happiness back into our relationship. Patrick and I have a very good relationship, we are very close....but the most-part of the past three years has been tinged with sadness and grief, so we are going to take some time just to be us.

I will see Gordon again on Thursday of next week and both Patrick and I so look forward to the appointments because it has made such a difference. The overwhelming part for us is that we have found someone who actually cares. Gordon will often call to see how we are doing or how I am feeling, and I know that I can email him at any time with any thoughts or questions.

I was feeling very tired and off form all day, so I put together what was practically a novel within an email, pretty much explaining how nothing was right with the world and I sent it to Gordon, it was not an email that he needed to read...it was an email that I needed to send.

His response basically told me that if I re-read that email, all of the answers I am looking for are portrayed very obviously in my own words.............and he was right.

However, I was able to attribute today's mood-swings, indecisiveness and well...'that email' to one thing this evening.............I am ovulating...........Its been so long since I have ovulated, I had actually forgotten how it felt.  So yes...I am a little bit hormonal, but so unbelievably delighted that my system has returned to a functioning state.

I really want to thank each and every one of you that has supported us throughout this whole thing, it has been a very difficult time but it would have been a whole pile more difficult without the support of our family, friends and the many people around the world who have sent us messages.

And to my friends who put off telling me the fantastic news that they are pregnant, I am so happy for each of you, I am genuinely delighted for you and I know that you will make fantastic parents. It is not hard for me to see people who are pregnant, some days I do find it difficult but those days are few and far between and I genuinely believe that it will not be too much longer and we will be shouting to the world that we are in our second trimester.............

Gordon says so.....and we believe him.

(He does want us to call our first boy 'Gordon' though......ah, we can discuss that when the time comes...!!!)

Enter Lulu.xx.

Yeah...so we got a puppy...!!!

I know all you Psychologists out there (both qualified and amateur) are probably screaming at the computer screen right now...!!!

I was having a really crappy day yesterday, which was spent between crying and and making my fingers raw, cleaning things that were already clean, oh yeah and much of that time was spent doing both.

So, about 7:30 yesterday evening we decided 'lets get a puppy', I think we were both so relieved at the thought of getting something that was going to distract us, even temporarily, from the constant pain and sense of loss that we are feeling.............and Lulu.....well, she has done just that.

She is the cutest, most affectionate little thing, she is just beautiful.

I did have about half an hour of feeling unbelievably guilty this evening, I felt so guilty that maybe I was trying to replace the baby we just lost with this beautiful little puppy, but in truth, that isnt the case at all.
She is just something that can make me forget my pain from time to time, something that makes me unable to not smile when I look at her because she is just so cute and she gives me lots of kisses and cuddles, so hey...that cant be a bad thing...!!!

And yeah..I am not denying that she will probably be the most spoiled puppy in the world...but we both have so much love to share right now, so we may as well share it with her until the time comes for us to go back to the Clinic to try again.

I Just Don't Get It

I really just dont understand how this could have happened.
We have had so many tests to make sure there is nothing wrong with me, we went through the gruelling process of egg collection and the selection of the best quality eggs, the Clinic lab technicians selected the best quality sperm.
They injected the best quality sperm into the best quality egg, to ensure best quality fertilisation, which resulted in an embryo and then a blastocyst of the best quality, which was then cyropreserved and survived the thawing process with no problems because it was of such good quality.
The Embryo Transfer went off without a hitch and the Embryo implanted days before it was expected to, because my womb lining was so think because of the hormones I had been taking for weeks.
I tested positive six days before it was expected to show up on a home pregnancy test.

So...where did it all go wrong...???

"Its just one of those things", I swear, if I hear that once more...how can something be 'just one of those things'? Its something that just happens...........but how can this 'just happen'? We took every precaution, every thing was in place.

We thought that the last place where it could have gone wrong was if the embryo didnt attach to the womb lining, which would have resulted in a negative pregnancy test, but it did attach and six positive pregnancy tests later, we let ourselves relax and actually believe that our time had finally come, that we were actually going to be parents. We had so many delightful moments of disbelief when we had to just remind eachother that it was actually happening, that I was actually carrying our baby. We giggled so much, it was like all our Christmasses had come at once, it was everything we ever wanted.

Suddenly all the things that used to seem 'big' to us, became so not important, the trip we had planned to New York later in the year, well lets not bother with that because we could spend that money on beautiful nursery furniture, I'm not going to buy the new Radley handbag that I wanted, because OMG, Have you seen the Radley baby changing bags, those are the cutest ever, I'm definitely going to get one of those instead!, The things that we wanted became so irrelevant because we had everything that we ever wanted right there inside my womb.

And then, in the blink of an eye, it was all taken away from us and I just can't understand it, I need a logical explanation for it and there just isn't one.

People keep saying to me 'Oh, it wasn't to be', well, I'd love to know exactly how it 'wasn't to be', am I supposed to just accept that?

It took us nine months of treatment to get to the stage where we could see those two beautiful lines on the first pregnancy test, nine months of stress and strain caused by the physical, emotional and financial demands of the IVF process, and what do we have to show at the end of it...???

Nothing, absolutely nothing (apart from an unhealthy-looking bank account and an emptiness that we are never going to be able to fill...!!!).

Weird .......... Or What ..........???

I came across this picture last night, when I was tagging some pictures on Facebook. This picture is from our wedding day, the 9th of August, 2008.

Note the orb of light on the womb of that statue..........not too strange, right? orbs often appear in photos.

Except........that orb appeared in the same place on that statue in three different pictures, taken from three different cameras, by three different people.

Weird, or What...???

Cruel, Cruel Games...!!!

The pains started yesterday afternoon and really were quite mild, but around 6:30 yesterday evening the contractions started to get really strong and were coming about every six minutes.
I was adament that I was not going to the hospital, so instead I rang the Caredoc and got an appointment for 9pm.
We had to go to Tipperary town as there was no Dr. in Cashel at the time, but Tipp town is only about 20 mins away.

We arrived just before 9pm, I was doubled over in pain by this time but I explained to the Dr. that I did not want to go to the hospital, I really just wanted something to help with the pain and if it got worse or I started bleeding very heavily, I would go straight to the hospital.

The Dr. agreed, as I wasnt actually bleeding at all at this stage. He gave me an injection of morphine, which kicked in after just a few minutes and I got instant relief. I could still feel tightness with the contractions, but could feel no pain. The Dr. also gave me some tablets which are basically the same as what was in the injection, but just in tablet form.

We came home then, and I got absolutely no sleep at all last night, I'm not sure whether it was the morphine, or the contractions or the fact that I was conscious that my body was simulating active labour and in my mind, it just wasnt fair that I would have to go through all of that and not have a beautiful baby to hold at the end of it. Life really can play cruel games at times.

Ive been absolutely wrecked all day, kinda dozing a bit most of the day. The pains arent too bad today, the morphine is keeping on top of it and although I am aware of the pain, it is bearable. The bleeding has started too, but it is quite light yet.

I am both emotionally and physically drained, so here's hoping I actually manage to get some sleep tonight.

Ok, So Here's The Story......

I called the Clinic in Cork on Tuesday morning and explained the situation to them. The nurse told me to come down straight away and they would do a scan and run some tests to see how everything is going.

We got the the Clinic around 11:15 and they saw us straight away. The nurse did an internal scan first to see what was going on in my womb, it was very unclear.

The nurse then said that she wanted me to do a urine pregnancy test, which I did. Initially it wasnt showing anything and that was the initial heart break. The nurse then asked if we wanted to meet with Dr. Wiergandt, one of the consultants, so we did.

We went across the corridor to meet him in one of the consultation rooms. A few seconds later the nurse came back in and asked the Dr if she could see him outside the room for a minute. About three minutes later, both the nurse and the Dr came back in to the room, the pregnancy test had turned positive, but the line was faint. This provided a very faint bit of hope for us. I was definitely still pregnant.

Unsure about what was happening, she suggested that we go across the road to the Bons Hospital and have a blood test done to check the level of pregnancy hormones, in a naturally progressing pregnancy the HCG hormone level will double about every 2-3 days.

We went across to have the test and the results only took about 20 minutes to come back. The hormone level had dropped from 101.7 on Sunday to 20.4 on Tuesday, the pregnancy was fading and it was fading fast.
We had a couple of options, we could go and have a procedure to have the contents of my womb removed or we could go home and let everything happen naturally.

I just wanted to go home, I couldnt handle the thought of going through an anasthetic and just waking up 'not pregnant anymore' again, I wanted everything to happen naturally.

So basically, when the hormone level drops to almost nothing, my cervix will start to open and my body will start to expel everything in my womb. This could take anything from 10-14 days and throughout that time, I will be bleeding heavily and it could be quite painful.

These pains started last night and are continuing today, although I havent actually started bleeding yet, but I'm sure it wont be too much longer before that starts too.

Patrick is taking it very hard, much harder than any of the previous losses we have suffered. It has been such a long process to get to the stage where we could actually say that 'we're having a baby', and gosh were we excited. Patrick was in the middle of painting the nursery and I had even ordered the perfect curtains for the perfect baby's room, we were so looking forward to being parents.

But, once again, our dream has been ripped from us. We had 6 wonderful weeks of being pregnant, 21 fantastic days of knowing that our baby was in my womb, 13 of the most superb days knowing that our baby had attached and was growing in my womb and now we are left with a life time of knowing that, once again, our little one has been robbed from our clutches, we were so close, just so so close.

It just isnt fair!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'll post details later or in a few days, but for now the news is that the hormone levels are dropping very fast, which means that the embryo is dying and there is nothing anyone can do.

Once the levels drop below a certain level, which will probably happen this evening or early tomorrow, my cervix will open and I will start bleeding very heavily, this will be my body expelling the embryo, the placenta and the womb lining.

The Health System in this Country...!!!

I started bleeding again last night, so we left for the hospital and arrived there at around midnight.

We had to wait in the maternity visiting room for a bit, while we were waiting for the Dr to arrive.
So, after about 15 minutes some guy comes in with a packet of cigarettes in his hand 'Mind if I smoke?'

eh........this is a maternity ward and I am pregnant, of course I bloody mind if you smoke...!!!

I got up and let the room and after a few minutes of waiting in the corridor, one of the nurses came and called me.

The bleeding had settled down a bit by this stage, but they decided to keep me in anyway just to be safe.

So, I was put into a ward with two mad oul biddies who kept shouting out in their sleep...!!!

This morning the Dr.s came around and said that they should have the results back by around 2pm.
I honestly thought 2pm was never going to come around, but it did and it passed.

I called Patrick and told him to come down, that we should have the results in the next few minutes.

Patrick arrived around 3pm and still no sign of the results. We waited for about 45 minutes and then a nurse came in to tell us that they have the blood results from Sunday but were still waiting for the results from Friday to compare them and see what the progression was.
I asked her what the HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels on Sunday were and she told me they were 101.7, which is a bit lower than average but is still within the normal range for the time frame. She told me that it would be about another 30 minutes before they would have Friday's results.

That was about all I could take, I broke down and cried, I just couldnt handle any more waiting and not knowing...!!!

About 50 minutes later, another nurse came in and said that the Dr. wanted to do another scan.

While I was on the scanning table, with the probe shoved up my you-know-what, another nurse broke the news to us that they had not been able to locate the results from Friday. She said she had been on the phone to the lab in Waterford and they had no record of them, she then said that she called the lab in the Hospital in Clonmel and they were unable to locate them.

So basically right now, we dont have a bloody clue what is going on...!!!

The nurse then told us that I would have to come back tomorrow to have more bloods taken, which would then be sent away and we would have the results on Wednesday evening which they would compare with the results of the bloods from Sunday to see what the progression is like!

NO BLOODY WAY...!!!

I told her that I will go to Cork in the morning and they will take the bloods and have the results back for me within an hour.

I am so drained and fed up right now, it is the hardest thing in the world not knowing whether my baby is growing inside me or not, I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take...

Playing This Waiting Game...!!!

I have had no more pain or bleeding since 10pm on Friday night, although that hasnt stopped me running to the loo every 5 minutes just to make sure. I've even stopped myself from sneezing on several occassions for fear that sneezing will cause me to start bleeding again.

We went down to the hospital this morning to have some more bloods taken, and of course all of my veins decided to hide. So after a few minutes of playing 'stick the needle into the patient' the nurse decided that the only place to get it would be the main vein on the inside of my wrist..........the exact same place that was bruised because the canula was put in there on Friday.....so yeah, that hurt a bit...!!!

Anyway, she eventually got the blood that she needed and said that they would ring me tomorrow at 4pm, when the results come back and hopefully the hormones will have increased since Friday.

So, for now I am waiting anxiously, I keep talking to my little one, telling him/her to 'hang in there'.
I've had some visitors today, so that was really nice and apart from that I have just been resting on the couch with my feet up...(oh yeah, and running to the loo every five minutes...just to be sure...!!!)
.
Having all of my loyal readers thinking positive has worked so far along this journey, so everybody ..........

Think 'Hormonal'

.xx.

Threatened Miscarriage

Ok so Thursday evening I had some cramping and shooting pains in my lower abdomen, which I just passed off as a tummy bug as Liam had been sick with a bug.

Yesterday lunchtime I had really bad pains and when I went to the bathroom, I was bleeding very very heavily. I called the Clinic in Cork and they told me to go to the nearest maternity unit as soon as possible.

We went to Clonmel straight away and the silence in the car on the way there was just deafening. We were both so convinced that I was miscarrying, we couldn't speak.

By the time we got to Clonmel I was losing a lot of blood.

They took me to the gynae emergency room and did an internal scan but I was bleeding too much, they couldnt see anything on the scan.

The Dr. then did a speculum exam (holy crap...that thing never gets easier...the pain of it...!!!), which showed that the cervix was still closed.

The Dr. then informed us that I was experiencing a threatened miscarriage which could go either way, they took some bloods and said that they would repeat the blood test on Sunday to compare the hormone levels, which will tell us whether the baby is alive or not and if he/she is alive, whether the pregnancy is progressing or whether the baby has stopped growing.

We will have the results of both tests on Monday.

So, they kept me in hospital last night, gave me some pethidine for the pain (which I was assured several times, would not have any effect on the baby or the pregnancy). The bleeding got less and less and eventually stopped around 10 pm and hasn't started again since.
The pain also settled last night, apart from a few twinges but I have been feeling those ever since the embryo transfer so I am not worried about those.

For now, I have just gotten home and am on complete bedrest with my feet up, we will go back to the hospital tomorrow for the blood tests and if all is ok, I will be on bedrest for a few weeks until we are out of the danger zone.

People keep asking how I am feeling and the honest answer is that I really don't know. I am completely on auto-pilot. We are hoping for the best, but we are so aware and conscious of my history of miscarriages, that subconsciously I think we are both preparing ourselves for yet more bad news, while holding onto any tiny bit of hope that our little baby will fight to hold on. We feel that he/she has defied all of the odds this far,that maybe, just maybe he/she will pull through this obstacle too.

We will never forget the day the Queen of England came to Cashel...!!!

5 Weeks and I'm Loving it...!!!

5 Weeks and I have just been completely wiped out the past 2 days, I couldnt even make it out of bed this morning, never mind even think about getting into work.

So, we're currently in week 5 and apparantly our baby's heart should be developped and beating by Thursday.

I spoke to the Clinic yesterday and we have our first scan on Thursday the 26th at 12:45, exactly a year to the hour of when I sat in my Gynaecologist's office to be told 'Natural Pregnancy, it is never going to happen'.

What a year it has been, and what a complete and utter train wreck of emotional instability. It does seem though that as soon as we saw that first faint positive line, all of the emotions and stresses and the completely draining physical demands of the past year just completely dissolved.

So, for now we are putting the past behind us and although we will never forget, we are focussing all of our energies on the little person who is growing inside me, the person who we love so much already and although we just can't wait to meet him or her, I am just loving being pregnant (yes, even the sickness) and am so looking forward to the next 7ish months.xx.

Day 33 .......... D-Day Tomorrow....(Well...Officially...!!!)

Day 33 and my connection was too crappy to allow me to post last night (probably because the Eurovision was on and everybody had to post to facebook about it...!!!).

We went to Limerick yesterday and I didnt actually manage to find something to wear to the wedding, well I found a few nice dresses, but the queue for the dressing rooms was so long, I just couldnt be bothered queueing, especially when I was feeling so crap.

I was having a lot of stretching pains in my lower abdomen yesterday and those have continued today, along with some like serious overwhelming tiredness, causing me to nap for at least an hour a day.

So...at a count...I have taken 6 pregnancy tests, 2 of them digital and every single one of them positive...!!!
Pretty good going...considering I really wasn't supposed to test til tomorrow.

I will call the clinic again tomorrow and they will give me a date for my first scan, which will tell me how many bambinos are in my womb (even though they only implanted one blastocyst, it was of very good quality and there is a chance that it could have split in two).

The night time sickness seems to have settled down a bit for the last two nights and apart from a few bouts of quesiness during the day, the sickness really hasnt been too bad for the last 2 days.
I have however, been suffering with headaches a bit more than usual.

So, am looking forward to getting in touch with the clinic tomorrow and sharing our good news, for now though, I am going to relax on the couch with a class of juice and my wonderful husband.xx.

Day 30 .......... Til Someone Loses an Eye...!!!

Day 30 and I'm feeling really good today.

Still been quite sick but I think I am getting used to the sickness...and hey...if I wasn't sick...I'd probably think there is something wrong...!!!

I had a really nice day at work and Patrick and I went out to lunch for his birthday...but of course, when we got to the restaurant...I just couldnt eat anything, I did however manage two cartons of apple juice.

So, am looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend and maybe some shopping tomorrow.

One of my friends is getting married in a few weeks, so I need to find something to wear to that...something that fits over my newly humongous boobs ( well, they weren't exactly small to begin with...!!!).

I want all the focus to be on the beautiful bride and not on me coz I turned around too fast and took somebody's eye out...!!!

Day 29 .......... The Dark Blue Line

Day 29 and the pregnancy line was much darker on the test this morning, so yep... still pregnant...!!!

I was wickedly sick today, it was just horrid. I went to work for a bit and was just feeling horrible all day...and then the vomiting started...!!!

So I came home early and slept for a couple of hours, feeling a bit better now.

Its Patrick's birthday tomorrow so I'm just hoping I'm feeling well enough to maybe go out to dinner or lunch or something, although judging by how I've been feeling I doubt I will be up to doing much.

Sibling Rivalry at its best...!!!

Ok so on getting my result this morning, of course I called Liam to tell him. Liam arrived at our house in about 10 minutes. No 'Congratulations', No 'Thats Great News' ....... Oh No......My big brother Liam said

' Have you any more of those sticks...I want to pee on a stick...!!!'

So yes, Liam took the pregnancy test into the bathroom and followed the instructions...(although admittedly had trouble keeping the flow of urine on the tab for 10 seconds...!!!) and then emerges from the bathroom looking very down-trodden at the fact that he is, in fact, not pregnant...!!!

Talk about trying to steal my thunder...!!!

So anyway, I got ready to go into work then and we went out to the car, Liam had his ipod on shuffle and the song which played immediately was 'Sweet Child of Mine' from Guns n' Roses...!!!

So what have we learned today...???

1. I am pregnant.

2 Liam is not pregnant.

3.I have the best friends in the world (Thank you so much for all the lovely messages.xx.)

Day 28 .......... I Couldn't Wait...!!!

Day 28 and I just couldnt wait any longer to test, it was a bit of a risk testing five days early.......but........

The faintest positive line but it is definitely there...!!!

I'm Pregnant...!!!

Day 27 .......... Big Thunder Mountain(s)

Day 27 and no the title is not in any way related to my recently doubled-in-size, crazy painful boobs...!!!

I had really really bad pains at around 3am, they lasted just over an hour and then just stopped. I was convinced that that was the end of it, but I'm still having lots of the same symptoms today that I've been having, along with lots of headaches.

I went in to work for a while again today, and again, fell asleep for a bit when I got home.

I've been having lots of cramps this evening, they almost feel like pre-menstrual cramps, but my next period isn't due til the 17th.

All this waiting and experiencing symptoms and not knowing what they mean..........it is all completely headwrecking...!!!

The whole IVF process is an unbelievable emotional rollercoaster, the waiting, the worrying, the uncertainty. At times it just seems so much, but we are clinging on to whatever hope we can find that whenever this journey ends for us, we will have a precious little baby to hold in our arms.

Day 26 .......... Bowling Balls...!!!

Day 26 and I didn't sleep well last night, got very little sleep actually. I went into work this morning and ended up staying there til 3:30, I wasnt doing anything much, just some light paperwork (oh and lots of talking...!!!). I was, however, completely exhausted by the time I got home and have slept until now.
Just hope I'm able to sleep tonight now...!!!

The nausea was really really bad today, I was getting waves of it every few minutes it was just horrid.

I didn't have much pain, just some minor lower-abdominal cramping today.

My breasts have started to become very sore and swollen, I feel like I have 2 bowling balls (minus the finger holes ) hanging on the front of my chest...!!! (Ok Guys.......Stop picturing that NOW)

So, 'D' Day is only a week away now...xx.

Day 25 .......... 5 Days Post-Transfer

Day 25 and I got out of the house for a bit today. We went in to town for some lunch and to do some shopping. It was nice to get out of the house, but gosh, I was wrecked by the time we got home.

I am feeling a lot of lower abdominal pressure today.

So, we're at Day 5 post-transfer, 8 days to go...although I have to admit, I am itching to test sooner than the 16th, I know I really should wait but gosh, it is oh so difficult...!!!

I feel like I might go into work tomorrow for an hour or so, just to get out of the house for a bit,obviously I wont be driving because I am still experiencing regular dizzy spells, but Patrick is still off of work with his ankle so he will be able to drive me into work for a bit.

Day 24 .......... Fussy Little Fecker...!!!

Day 24 and I am just completely wiped out, I managed to get up for a bit today but not for long.

Liam thought it might be nice if we went out for dinner, a lovely idea...but not a hope in hell my body was going to let me do that.
Patrick went out with Liam and a few friends, so he should be home shortly enough.

I was absolutely certain that I wanted some green tea earlier, so I made some........ but as soon as I got the smell of it, I was hit by a wave of nausea.

I tell ya this baby is a fussy little fecker...!!!

Everyone keeps sympathising with my pain and sickness, but I really don't mind it too much, every twinge or bout of nausea is just my baby's way of telling me that he/she is still there.

Day 23 .......... Not Much Change

Day 23 and I was very sick last night, but have not been sick so far today. Am still very tired all the time and crampy and headachy, but apart from that......not much progress since yesterday.

Still feeling very positive about everything as I am feeling exactly the same as I did the last time I was pregnant, even my gums are annoying me...!!!

I've completed my three days of complete bed-rest now, so will try and get up a bit tomorrow and progressively more over the next few days and hopefully that will make the time go a bit faster until we can test.

Day 22 .......... Day Time TV

Day 22 and I am completely wiped out...!!!

I'm feeling very very tired, but not sleepy. The cramps are worse today too, accompanied by a feeling of pressure in my lower abdomen and I keep getting a light-headed, almost dizzy feeling.

I feel like I need to go to the loo every 30 minutes.

The headaches are pretty bad today too, and Patrick thought maybe I should take some paracetamol (which apparantly is safe to take), but I just couldn't. I'd prefer to put up with the pain because if I took something, I would never stop blaming myself if the test comes back negative on the 16th.

I've pretty much had about all the Day-time TV that I can sanely handle, Thank God for the Internet...!!! 

Day 22 .......... Day Time TV

Day 22 and I am completely wiped out...!!!

I'm feeling very very tired, but not sleepy. The cramps are worse today too, accompanied by a feeling of pressure in my lower abdomen and I keep getting a light-headed, almost dizzy feeling.

I feel like I need to go to the loo every 30 minutes.

The headaches are pretty bad today too, and Patrick thought maybe I should take some paracetamol (which apparantly is safe to take), but I just couldn't. I'd prefer to put up with the pain because if I took something, I would never stop blaming myself if the test comes back negative on the 16th.

I've pretty much had about all the Day-time TV that I can sanely handle, Thank God for the Internet...!!! 

Day 21 ..........So Bad, Its Good...!!!

Day 21 and I am very sore, but feeling very positive.

Headaches ... check, cramping ... check, being so tired I feel like I've been hit by a bus ... check, having pulling feelings and twinges in my abdomen ... check...!!!

All the symptoms are as they should be, painful and uncomfortable but easier to bear with the knowledge that it is our baby in my womb that is causing the symptoms.
I am experiencing all the signs of early pregnancy, exactly as I should be, and difficult as it is to cope with, every twinge makes me smile.

Ok...so...maybe a bit hasty........but I checked what my due date will be.............the 19th of January ...... which is my Dad's anniversary, perhaps a coincidence, perhaps a sign, either way...it made me smile.

I have lots of internal bruising from yesterday's procedure, but hopefully that will ease after a few more days.

Now...my body is telling me that I need to doze off for a bit....so...nighty night.xx.

Day 20 ..........Successful Transfer...!!!

Day 20 and I got pretty much no sleep lastnight, I was just really anxious about today.

I got up early and headed into work for a bit, just to pass the time.

I couldn't wait til 10:30 though, I rang the clinic at 10:10 and was put through to the lab. At that stage, they were able to tell me that the embryo had been thawed and had survived the thawing process. At that point, it hadn't started to swell yet, so they were going to leave it about another 30 minutes and if it did not start to swell at that point, they would thaw another embryo. Fortunately the embryo did start to swell a few minutes later and was looking very very healthy.

We headed down to the Clinic and got there just after 12, had to wait about 10 minutes and then we both got gowned up and went down to one of the recovery rooms. We had to sign some more consents and got to talk with the embryologist for a bit. Then we went in to the operating theatre. The Dr. did some scans first to make sure everything was ok and to ensure that no cysts had appeared in the past week.

Then the Dr inserted this big metal speculum thing.....Holy Mother Of Christ..............the size of it...!!!!! That was bad enough...but once it was in place he made it expand............the pain, oh Jesus, the pain...!!!

He then informs me that it will have to stay in place for about 15 minutes while the embryo is being loaded into the catheter. Eventually the lab technician arrived with the loaded catheter and they checked like 10 times to make sure it was the correct embryo ....ie...that it was actually belonging to Patrick and I..!!!

During the actual transfer I only felt a little pinch and it was over very quickly. The removal of that speculum hurt really bad as well, but it didnt take long.

We had to wait around for a bit but we got back on the road quickly and I've been on the couch ever since.

Moving around is very painful and Patrick is being an absolute star. I slept for about 2 hours when I got home. I have to have complete bedrest for 3 days and then take it very easy for the rest of the 14 day period.

We have to test on the 16th to see if the embryo has successfully attached to the womb (I'm having lots of cramps...so that is a good sign)..................so 13 sleeps to go :)

Day 19 ..........It's Only A Day A-Way ..........

Day 19 and we're almost there.

I've tried not to really think about it all day, but I am beginning to find it difficult to ignore the butterflies that are dancing treble jigs in my tummy...!!!

I've been in kinda crappy form all day and have been feeling a lot of pressure in my lower abdomen.

Gosh, its hard to believe that the time is almost here, although it really shouldnt be hard to believe as I have received 16 messages today saying " One More Sleep", Those made me smile.

So.. I had a bit of a panic this morning when I realised that Patrick wont be able to drive me home from the Clinic tomorrow because of his broken foot, and I wont be able to drive after the Transfer. I was getting myself into a state about it, until Patrick reminded me of the many many friends I have (sometimes I do forget...!!!), and in the end my brother Liam said that he would be able to move some classes around and he would bring us to Cork and then bring us home again afterwards.
I had suggested that maybe we should just book into a hotel for tomorrow night, forgetting of course that Patrick is going back to the hospital about his ankle early on Wednesday morning.

I suppose...up til a few hours ago, I hadn't really considered the possibility of our blastocyst not surviving the thawing process, but now I am absolutely dreading making that phone call tomorrow morning.
I suppose I just feel like there must be something we can do to increase the chances...but in reality...there is absolutely nothing we can do that is going to make any difference to the outcome of tomorrow's thawing process.

I was thinking I would get an early night tonight, but I think there is little chance of me getting much sleep.

Regardless of what happens tomorrow, Patrick and I want to express our heart-felt gratitude and appreciation for all the support we have received to date. All the messages of support we have received from people we haven't seen in years, and the thousands of messages we receive from strangers all over the world, but most of all to our families and our many fantastic friends who have supported us no end throughout our journey to date.............and also...apologies to anyone I may have upset or offended over the past few weeks..........it wasn't intentional....it was the hormones...!!!

Thank you all so much.xx.

Day 18 ................ Fish, Meringues and Sulphur Lollipops

Day 18 and I woke up at 6am with the most horrific headache. It was very similar to a migraine-type pain, but without the other migraine symptoms. It was just awful and it took ages for it to go away, I had it for a good 7 hours and then I have just been feeling horrid and nauseous all day.

So, I was laying on the couch, doing some work on the laptop, feeling just horrible and craving meringues (which we didnt have)............when Patrick decided to light the fire...........The smell of the sulphur from the matches...OMG it was fabulous....and yes, you can probably guess what I did next.............straight into my gob, sulphur end first and oh gosh did it taste just fabulous...and the nausea just like...disappeared...!!!

So...it looks like a diet of fish, meringues and matches for the foreseeable future...!!!

It just hit me about an hour ago that today is Sunday, tomorrow is Monday and then like its just the day after that......Two More Sleeps...!!!