To My Little Angel.......

Its been just over a year since you've been ripped from my womb, robbed of the chance to be born into a world where you would have been loved more than you could ever imagine.
I think of you all the time, we talk about how you would have looked, probably blue/green eyes and dark hair. I wake at night because I hear you crying in my dreams and all I want to do is comfort you, I want to hold you, I ache to hear your light breathing through silent nights.

I am crumbling tonight, a silly comment made by your Dad brought to the fore all the emotions I have been bottling up for over a year. Things keep going wrong and I am so terrified of losing another baby,  I just don't think I am strong enough to go through that again.

When I was in the emergency room on the 6th of November, exactly a year after we lost you, the lady in the next cubicle had gone into labour and had a fetal heart monitor attached, her baby's heart beat echoed throughout the room and it broke my heart to hear it.

I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in angels and I know you are there somewhere, trying to keep me strong, when in reality it should be me looking after you.

We should be preparing for your first Christmas now, every time I go to the supermarket I see something that I would love to be buying for you, the perfect 'Baby's First Christmas' outfit, a blue 'Baby's First Christmas' stocking to hang from the mantlepiece.

I shared a joke (and a secret tear) with your Dad last weekend, when we spotted a baby's shirt saying 'my Daddy rocks'. I should have been buying that for you, (although knowing your Dad, it would be accompanied by a fender strat and a drum kit...!!!!!!!)

We never got to meet you, but we never stop thinking about you. You are a huge part of our lives and we love you so much. We talk about how you would like Postman Pat and Fireman Sam, and how we would love to be showing you the shows we watched as kids, like Bosco, and how we would never have inflicted that obnoxious purple dinosaur on you.

Its so hard because we both believe that we would make great parents, but for some reason the Universe does not want that to happen right now and it is just so hard to understand.

I've cried so much tonight, cried hysterically to the point where I was crying so hard I was gasping for breathe. (I guess this is why we are not supposed to bottle up our feelings!)

I still ache when I see a new baby and I guess I always will, but I guess I just have to accept that there was a greater reason that you could not be born into this world.

" An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book

 'Too Beautiful for Earth'"

Take care my beautiful little angel.xx.

Home, Once Again.......

Four weeks, four hospital admissions.....hopefully that is the end of it now. The next time I end up in hospital, I better be in labour...!!!

I am starting to feel better, still rather sore (and very sore at times) but definately on the mend.

Starting to get out a bit now and wanting to get out more and meet people, which I think is a sign that I must be on the mend.

I am still exhausted after doing basic things and still not really sleeping very well, but I think that will improve once I start being more active.

The girls at work have come up with some fantastic ideas for fundraising for the Noah Foundation, I will post more information once we have some definate plans, but please keep sending your ideas to me.

I received a letter in the post today, it was a copy of  the report letter that Dr. Waterstone sent to my G.P.. Gosh, it is interesting to read everything I have been through in the past few weeks. I think most of it had slipped my mind actually, but it was a very interesting read.
It was also quite wonderful to be able to read back through this blog and look at how I was feeling during each stage of the process, to remember emotions both good and bad.

People keep asking how long I am going to continue writing to this blog, and I guess the answer is that I have no plans to stop anytime soon anyway. I enjoy doing it and I truly believe that it helps and informs people.

For now, I am going to get a relatively early night and hopefully some decent sleep.

4 Inch Stillettos, Hovercraft Ambulances And General Rambling...

I forgot how difficult and draining it is to do simple, everyday things when you haven't been doing them for a while.

I had to go to a work meeting this morning, wasn't ideal, but couldn't really be avoided.

I didn't sleep well last night, was very sore, but anyway I got up at 8am to get ready for the meeting. It took me about 30 minutes to get ready and I was just wiped out after that much. I had to go and lay down for half an hour before Liam came to pick me up.

Liam dropped me home afterwards and I have done absolutely nothing since. I am completely drained, so tired. I feel like I have over-exerted myself with the small amount I did today. 14 hour working days seem a distant memory now and an impossible feat...!!!

I guess I will just do a little more each day until I am back into the swing of things.

Surprisingly enough, I find wearing heels to be much more comfortable than flat shoes right now. I have figured out that this is because the pain is so low down on the right side of my abdomen, wearing flat shoes puts all my weight on my heels, which puts increased pressure on my lower abdomen, adding to the pain. Wearing heels puts most of my weight on the balls of my feet, which eases the pressure on my heels, therefore decreasing the pressure on my abdomen, making walking around much more comfortable.

I have to say I was getting some very strange looks today, walking around in boots with 4 inch stilletto heels while at the same time being off work with abdominal pain...!!!

Oh yeah...I probably should have said beforehand..........I seem to have developped a tendancy to ramble on a bit about random topics lately, one such ramble involved an idea for an ambulance design. This involved a hovercraft design with a siren attachment to stop it hurting when travelling to the hospital. As anyone who has ever been in the back of an ambulance will know that they are the most uncomfortable mode of transport ever, you end up getting battered and bruised on the way to the hospital, as you get thrown around with every little bump on the road.

Sleep Works Wonders

I finally got a decent night's sleep last night, slept from 11:30 pm til 10:00am.

Probably a combination of being home, finally knowing what's wrong and finally having some decent pain medication that actually takes away the pain.

I am up and about a bit today, getting some minor paperwork done, but at the same time following the strict orders I have been given to take it easy...!!!

Home From Hospital Again

The pain got pretty bad again on Sunday night so we went to CareDoc who sent us to Clonmel hospital.

They did some x-rays and tests and also some scans. Again, these showed the PCOS in the right ovary.

There was still some very clear blood in my urine. The Dr's were fantastic and very informative, although they readily admitted that they know very little about the IVF process.

They kept me in hospital, on Cyclomorph (morphine) injections until this morning, when we left for Cork as we had a pre-arranged appointment with Dr. Waterstone and it was very necessary that we keep this appointment.

So they did a scan at the Clinic and together we discussed and reviewed the issues and test results that had accumulated over the past four and a half weeks. Everything was pointing to a pretty significant blockage in my bowel. So, Dr. Waterstone gave me a prescription for some enemas and some medication to help to clear out my bowels, with instructions that if they haven't worked by Thursday to contact him directly and return to the Clinic.

For now though, I am super glad to be home (again) and am very tired. I never sleep properly in hospital.

We also spoke to Dr. Waterstone today about the Noah Foundation and what our plans were and how we would like to deal exclusively with his Clinic. He was quite surprised and even admitted to feeling humbled at what he was hearing.

He is very happy to liaise with us, so that through the Noah Foundation, we can provide as much support as possible to individuals and couples who are going through the same thing as us.

I am very excited about the whole Noah Foundation idea and can't wait to be well enough to really get working on it.

Must go and rest for now though, all curled up in front of the fire.

Pain Pain Go Away.......

Its nearly 4am and the pain in my lower right abdomen is just way too bad for me to be sleeping. It just won't ease up at all. I've taken the maximum amount of painkillers that I can. I even contacted my GP today to prescribe stronger painkillers for me as the ones they gave me leaving the hospital just weren't good enough.

My Mother-in-law was good enough to pick up the prescription, take it to the pharmacy to pick up the medication and bring it out to my house for me, but even those don't seem to be tackling this stabbing pain.

My right arm is also very swollen and sore from where the drip was in the hospital, something to do with the vein collapsing, so hopefully that will heal up soon.

I've spent the last hour just crying and crying. All I wanted was to have a baby and I just can't understand why I have to go through all of this, just because I wanted to have a baby. Its just not fair.

Patrick is laying beside me here, snoring away. Poor guy is exhausted and he has to go to work at 5:30am. The sound of his snoring used to drive me crazy but it doesn't really seem to bother me that much anymore. Now, it makes me smile. It reminds me of how tired he is because of how much he is doing for me. He is doing absolutely everything for me, won't let me lift a finger. He really has surprised and impressed me with how much he has stepped up to the mark and is not only taking care of me by doing all the physical things I am just not able to do right now, but he is also my emotional crutch right now, not to mention on-call cuddler, tear wiper and hand holder.

Writing on this blog really is an outlet for me. It really helps me to stabilise my emotions regarding this whole thing.
People often make comments to me that it must be terribly difficult to put such personal information on here, but you know what...it isn't difficult at all. Sometimes when I am writing on here I completely forget that so many people are reading it. It almost seems at times that I am just writing my thoughts in my own personal diary, a diary that I am more than happy to share with the world.

When we started this blog, we said that if it even helps just one person who is going through a similar situation, then it will be worth it. From all the comments and private messages we have received, it seems to have helped and touched quite a number of people, this just means the world to us.
It puts a positive spin on something that is not really positive right now (but hopefully will have a very positive ending) and even through my pain, that really does put a smile on my face.

I have 2 cats, one male, one female. The female cat is only 6 months old and is really the baby right now. She is so loyal and affectionate and does not leave my side when I am in pain. She curls up with me on the recliner and is quite happy to stay like that all day long.
The male cat is about a year older than her and well, he will go to anyone who even looks like they might give him some attention..........but it seems even he knows when I am really suffering, and he will jump up and lay on the arm of the chair beside me.

So, I suppose all in all, I'm really not too badly off (apart from the pain and soreness) with my wonderful husband taking care of me, our families running errands for me and my two feline minders by my side.......

Back to Hospital

So, after a fairly good weekend, I got out a good bit and was a lot more comfortable moving around......Monday evening came along, accompanied by a lot of abdominal swelling, unbelievable pain and nausea.
I felt like my stomach was going to burst.

We made a trip into the CareDoc who gave me a morphine injection to help with the pain and a stemitol injection to help with the nausea. He gave me a referral letter and told us to get to the Hospital in Cork as quickly as possible.

We got to the Hospital after about 90 minutes and we were seen after about 30 mins in the waiting room. They took some bloods and a urine sample (which showed some very clear bright red blood). They also did both internal and external scans, which showed the swelling in the right ovary.

They admitted me straight away and hooked me up to some IV antibiotics and fluids.

The did a urine test the following morning, which again showed a significant content of blood. They also did another internal scan which showed an increased development of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

The urine tests showed an infection in the kidneys and bladder, which was to escalate to the point where my bladder just stopped working and I was unable to pass any urine.

This resulted in them having to insert a catherer, seriously there is a reason that things are NOT supposed to go up the urethra..........not a very nice experience at all...!!!

They removed the catherer this morning, which was as painful as when they inserted it, but I was super glad to have it taken out.

There also appears to be traces of infection in my bowels, which has caused some significant constipation, adding to my discomfort,

Dr. Waterstone decided it would be ok for me to come home, so long as I agreed to 14 days of bedrest, along with lots of antibiotics and pain medication.

So, I'm home now, taking it easy in front of the fire. I am in a considerable amount of pain and have a lot of soreness, but at least my bladder has started working again...!!!

Nightmares...!!!

Every night recently I have been having the most awful nightmares, they vary from being locked in a burning building, to being buried alive in an underground tomb, to Patrick having to wake me up because I am screaming and pulling my hair out in my sleep because I am dreaming that someone is stealing my baby.

I am going to see my GP on Tuesday so hopefully he will be able to help me with these.

I'm also having huge difficulty getting my head around the fact that our blastocysts are frozen and will be frozen for quite some time.

I guess I believe that once an egg is fertilised with a sperm, then it is a living being and I see these 8 blastocysts as our babies.

Its not so difficult thinking about the ones we will implant in January, but the ones that will be frozen for a few years are really bothering me. I just cant get my head around the fact that if we use 2 of them every 2 years from now, by the time we get to use the final two...they will already be 8 years old.

Maybe its my maternal instinct kicking in but I just hate the thought of our little beings being stuck in a cyrogenic freezer.

Apart from that, I'm not feeling too bad. I'm tired all the time because I am just not sleeping well. I am starting to get out of the house a bit now which is good, and I am having short periods of time where my pain is not too bad.
I am still quite swollen, finding it difficult to get any of my clothes to fit around my tummy right now, as it is quite swollen, so I am pretty much living in leggings for the time being.

Patrick did manage to get out for a drink this afternoon, the poor guy hadn't seen the inside of a pub in so long. It was good for him to get out and after how he's been looking after me, it was definately a well deserved few drinks.

Vomiting Bug :(

I am suffering with a horrid vomiting bug and just feeling overall crappy. Feeling so bad, I almost forgot to change the font to pink...!!!

I think I picked up something when I called into work briefly on Tuesday, I absolutely love working with kids, but when your immune system is compromised, you do tend to pick up absolutely everything from the little darlings.

I am not sleeping very well either, I keep having a horrid dream that we keep thawing out our embryos two at a time and implanting them and every single one of them dies.

We are having a great response to the Noah Foundation, with lots of people coming up with wonderful ideas for fundraising.

All suggestions are welcome................

Good News at the Clinic

Just back from the Clinic, and yes...things are starting to look better.

The fluid is almost gone and my ovaries, although still rather big, are half the size of what they were.

I am still having pain and am assured that this will stop in the next week or so, as soon as all the swelling is gone and the ovaries have completely returned to a normal size.

I am noticing bruises on my arms and legs and one very sore bruise on my right elbow, knowing that I havent been up and about to injure myself..........and I'm fairly certain Patrick is not beating me up in my sleep. I assume this is connected to the blood thinning injections I am taking daily, making me bruise much more easily.

So...the Clinic are hoping to implant in January, however they will scan regularly between now and then, just to make sure everything is ok.

I still find myself having food cravings (Hormones...!!!), my newest and most recent craving is chocolate covered biscuits with Natural Confectionary Company Jellies.

The Hormones also seem to be affecting my eyesight as I have been finding it quite difficult to focus on writing that is further than 3 metres away. I'm a little reluctant to go and get my perscription changed as I think it might return to normal once the hormones settle down.

So. for now, I'm on bedrest for another few days anyway (I'm kinda itching to get back to work), still on painkillers and daily Innohep injections. I finished all of the antibiotics yesterday, so hopefully its all good news from here...

Noah Foundation

Even though I am bedresting at the present time, I have plenty to keep me busy. Thank God for Laptops.

My husband and I, with the help of my brother Liam, are setting up a Charity Foundation to help people in Ireland who are suffering from infertility and need to go down a similar road to what we are going down.

The charity is called the Noah Foundation, aptly named after our baby who was due on the 23rd of June this year.

The aim of the Noah Foundation is to provide support, information and assistance to people who are needing Assisted Reproduction, with the hope that we can offer some financial assistance too.

We will be fundraising in the coming weeks to raise money to cover the set up costs, all donations will be greatly appreciated. Also, if anyone has any ideas for fundraising activities, please let us know.

Email: noah230610@gmail.com


Donations can be made by sending money through Paypal to noah230610@gmail.com


http://www.paypal.com/

Noah Foundation

Providing Hope......

What A Week.......

Since I last posted I've spent a week in hospital with Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome and a pretty serious Pelvic Infection. I've been in agony as I have 11.5 lbs of loose fluid in my abdominal cavity.

so after an intensive course of IV antibiotics and 4 hourly pethidine injections everyday for a week, I am finally home. still in a lot of pain, but very very glad to be home.

The good news is we have 8 frozen blastocysts, one which was advanced in development and seven little miracles which just developped at the last minute.

So...for now, I am on bedrest, trying to keep on top of the pain. we will return to the clinic on Tuesday at which point they will decide whether they need to drain the fluid with a needle or leave it for another few days to see if it will leave the body naturally.

Day 22: 10 Perfect Embryos

Day 22 and I'm still in pain. It had settled a bit when I woke up this morning but wasnt gone for long, its been on and off all day.

I called the clinic this morning to tell them I was feeling a bit better and to check how our embryos are doing.

Today is Day 3 post egg collection, by now embryos are expected to have multiplied to eight-cell beings.

10 of our 11 embryos had reached this stage by 9am this morning, and one was still at 6 cell stage.

We will return to the hospital in the morning to get blood tests done and then on to the Clinic for a scan to determine whether the transfer will go ahead the following day or not.

Our embryos are developping perfectly so hopefully all will be well at the Clinic tomorrow

Day 21: OHSS?

Day 21 and I woke up during the night in awful pain.

I called the Clinic first thing and they said I needed to come and see them straight away.

We got to the Clinic and they immediately scanned me. This scan hurt so much, because of course I am still bruised and swollen from the op on Saturday. I was screaming at Patrick to get the Dr. to stop, of course the Dr. couldnt stop, he had to measure the size of my ovaries.

I'm crying in pain, the nurse is trying to get me to concentrate on my breathing and then I catch a glimpse of my husband's face and notice the tears in his eyes at watching what I am going through.

My ovaries are supposed to be less than 5cm x 5cm, the right one is 8.2cm x 7.6cm, the left one is 7.2cm x 6.9cm. The Dr. has huge concerns that I am developping Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome and I semm to have contracted an infection after the Egg collection operation.

So, basically the story is that they think they will not be able to go ahead with the scheduled embryo transfer on Thursday as this could cause the OHSS to get worse. They will scan me again on Wednesday morning and make the decision then; best case scenario: the OHSS has settled down and they will go ahead with the transfer on Thursday, worst case scenario: they freeze all of the embryos and hope they survive the freezing and thawing process and implant in 3 months or however long it takes for my body to return to a healthy level.

So, for now, I am on 9 different medications, which include 4 lots of antibiotics, progesterone, steroids and innohep injections to prevent my blood from thikening and causing blood clots.

I am in a lot of pain on my right side and am not able to walk or move around.

I need to drink lots and lots of fluids and hope for the best for Wednesday...

Day 20: One Day Post-Op

Day 20 and I am very very sore after yesterday's procedure.

There were a lot of complications and even the Clinic admitted that it was a very difficult egg collection.

Anyway, they managed to collect 21 eggs yesterday.

15 were of good enough quality to inject with sperm.

The Clinic rang this morning to say that 11 of the injected eggs had survived the night and were developping into embryos.

The lab technician said that some of them were looking very good and developping nicely and others were looking quite average but it was too early to say for certain yet.

They said nothing will change by Tuesday, so we have to return to the Clinic on Tuesday morning for a scan to make sure that I havent developped any symptoms of Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome, and we will discuss whether we want to have the embryos implanted on Tuesday (Day 3) or wait til they become blastocysts and transfer on Thursday (Day 5).

So, for now, its bedrest, plenty of pain killers and copious amounts of fluids.......

Day 18: Pre-Op

Day 18 and I'm feeling really really good all day today.

Its made a huge difference not having to take the FSH injection last night. I haven't been feeling really hormonal and emotional all day.

I've had a very productive day workwise, trying to keep my mind off of how anxious I am about tomorrow morning.

I know everything will be fine, but I suppose its kinda natural to be nervous and anxious before any kind of procedure.

So, we have to be at the clinic for 8:30 in the morning, operation at 9 sharp.

They gave me a sleeping tablet to take at 8 in the morning, to help me relax on the way to the clinic. Then I will be put to sleep and the whole thing should last only about an hour, and then of course however length of time it takes for me to wake up after.

So then they will be able to tell us exactly how many eggs they got and what the quality is like, and also what the sperm quality is like.

If everything is ok, they will go ahead and prepare the sperm and select the best ones and inject one into each egg.

Thats the difference between ICSI and IVF...........in IVF the egg and sperm are allowed to fuse naturally in a petri dish, in ICSI the sperm is injected into the egg.

I'll be getting an early night tonight, although probably won't sleep much.

and fingers crossed for tomorrow.................

Day 17: Follicle Maturity

Day 17 and we have achieved Follicle Maturity...!!!

The scan this morning was ... well, I don't know a word to describe it. I was super bruised from yesterday's scan, so today was worse.

I just lay on the scanning bed and just cried and sobbed, it was hurting so much I just couldnt even talk. The tears just flowed. Patrick just held my hand and squeezed it.

I think today was a point of realisation for Patrick, I think he actually realised how difficult all of this is for me and he could see it in my eyes today, that I am just at breaking point.
I have adapted many zombie-like qualities while going through the motions of injecting myself and during the scans.

Fortunately, enough of my follicles have reached a sufficient level of maturity that they can go ahead with the egg-collection procedure on Saturday morning.
So, this evening I do not have to take the FSH injection, I have to take the Orgalutron at the later time of 8:30 and I have to take a different injection  'Pregnyl' at exactly 9:30 on the dot. This stimulates ovulation which will take place at exactly 35.5 hours after taking the injection. This injection has to be timed to the minute, so that the egg-collection can take place at 9am on Saturday morning.

So I have a welcome break from injections tomorrow and then a few days to recouperate after the procedure on Saturday.

Day 16: A 'Nice' Cycle

Day 16 and appearantly we are having a 'nice' cycle.

We were at the Clinic first thing this morning and things are still going well. The follicles on the right side are doing fantastically and should be fully developped by tomorrow. The left side are still a bit behind but this is no real cause for concern as there are enough on the right side to produce a small army (or at least a football team).
The nurse kept referring to it as a 'nice' cycle. In my head I was thinking 'what's so bloody nice about it???', while she was practically making a human kebab out of me with her scanning probe...!!!

The scan this morning hurt more than ever (I didn't think it was possible but turns out it is), I did discover the art of 'pregnancy breathing' and it actually does work, breathing through the pain.

I have to increase my fluid intake again by adding a litre of milk a day to the 3 litres of water, so I figure I may as well just move into the bathroom altogether...!!!

So, we have to go back to the Clinic first thing in the morning for another scan, which hopefully will show that the follicles have fully matured and we can go ahead with the egg collection procedure on Saturday.

Day 14: Things Are Looking Up

Day 14 and it was good news at the Clinic.

The scan was very difficult and I am left with a feeling of internal bruising, which isn't very pleasant.

I got very little sleep last night and managed to chew off all of my beautiful gel nails coz I was so aggitated, I was convinced there would be something wrong when we got to the Clinic this morning.

But I was wrong............!!!!!

My right ovary is doing wonderfully, follicles are growing and they look great.

The left one still has a long way to go, but between the two of them, the nurse was able to count more than 30 maturing follicles. Which is exactly what we want.

We must continue with the increased dose of hormones for the next few days and have to return to the Clinic on Wednesday for another internal scan, at that point they will decide whether to do the egg-collection procedure on Friday or wait til Saturday to do it.

The nurse told me I would have to drink between 3 and 4 litres of water a day between now and egg collection time.

She was quite concerned with the way I was breathing while she was doing the scan, she felt I was breathing too fast and that could cause me to faint (well, she was hurting me.....that's how I breathe when I'm being hurt!).

Oh and her final piece of advise today..................'please abstain from love-making between now and egg-collection time, as potentially you could produce more than 30 eggs and if some of those get released prematurely and mix with sperm, they could fertilise'

Wouldn't that just be our luck.......!!!!!!!

Day 12: I Don't Want To Do This Anymore...!!!

Day 12 and I've had enough of needles.

Even the FSH injection  doesnt want to go in anymore. I think the skin on my tummy has gotten thicker, therefore making it a lot more difficult to inject myself. The injections seem to hurt more each evening, of course this could be due to the hormones making my skin and nerves more sensitive.

The injections hurt so much this evening I just thought that I can't do it anymore, I've had enough!

I'm so sick of hurting all the time.

I guess we just have to take one day at a time. We only have one more set of injections to do (tomorrow evening) before the consultation and scan on Monday morning. Which, best case scenario will lead to egg collection  procedure on Wednesday.