To My Little Angel.......

Its been just over a year since you've been ripped from my womb, robbed of the chance to be born into a world where you would have been loved more than you could ever imagine.
I think of you all the time, we talk about how you would have looked, probably blue/green eyes and dark hair. I wake at night because I hear you crying in my dreams and all I want to do is comfort you, I want to hold you, I ache to hear your light breathing through silent nights.

I am crumbling tonight, a silly comment made by your Dad brought to the fore all the emotions I have been bottling up for over a year. Things keep going wrong and I am so terrified of losing another baby,  I just don't think I am strong enough to go through that again.

When I was in the emergency room on the 6th of November, exactly a year after we lost you, the lady in the next cubicle had gone into labour and had a fetal heart monitor attached, her baby's heart beat echoed throughout the room and it broke my heart to hear it.

I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in angels and I know you are there somewhere, trying to keep me strong, when in reality it should be me looking after you.

We should be preparing for your first Christmas now, every time I go to the supermarket I see something that I would love to be buying for you, the perfect 'Baby's First Christmas' outfit, a blue 'Baby's First Christmas' stocking to hang from the mantlepiece.

I shared a joke (and a secret tear) with your Dad last weekend, when we spotted a baby's shirt saying 'my Daddy rocks'. I should have been buying that for you, (although knowing your Dad, it would be accompanied by a fender strat and a drum kit...!!!!!!!)

We never got to meet you, but we never stop thinking about you. You are a huge part of our lives and we love you so much. We talk about how you would like Postman Pat and Fireman Sam, and how we would love to be showing you the shows we watched as kids, like Bosco, and how we would never have inflicted that obnoxious purple dinosaur on you.

Its so hard because we both believe that we would make great parents, but for some reason the Universe does not want that to happen right now and it is just so hard to understand.

I've cried so much tonight, cried hysterically to the point where I was crying so hard I was gasping for breathe. (I guess this is why we are not supposed to bottle up our feelings!)

I still ache when I see a new baby and I guess I always will, but I guess I just have to accept that there was a greater reason that you could not be born into this world.

" An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book

 'Too Beautiful for Earth'"

Take care my beautiful little angel.xx.