Day 8.............Half Way Point

Day 8 and we have reached the half way point.

Am doing pretty good today. Had a fabulous day at work and spent the evening with some very special friends.

The nausea wasn't too bad today, it came in waves every so often but at least wasn't constant like yesterday. I have been feeling ridiculously tired for most of the day, so hopefully I will get some decent sleep tonight.

We're going away for the weekend tomorrow, so looking forward to that. Will be nice to get a break away from everything (even if its not on a fabulous Mediterranean cruise...!!!).

I am off to the land of nod for now (and hopefully for a decent number of hours)

I am not sure if I will have a wifi connection to update this while I am away, but I will do my best.

Oh...also...we got our first official donation for the Noah Foundation this evening, I was quite emotional accepting it.

So...overall, its been a pretty great day, hopefully it will continue........

Sleep...............Hellooooooooooooo.......Where Are You...???

It figures that as I have increased the hormones, my body is reacting to the increased dose in the same way that it did when I first started taking the hormones. Hence I am not able to sleep, am crippled with nausea...and its feels like it's almost reaching boiling point here right now, I keep burning up...!!!

I have to admit I am feeling quite disheartened about the whole thing right now. Yes, I know it is only a fleeting feeling and is brought on by the fact that I am feeling so crappy, and in the general scheme of things...it probably is not really that big a deal..but right now...in my sleep deprived, nauseous and feverous state...its the biggest deal ever...!!!

Ok...I'm gona try and give this sleeping lark another go.

Nighty Night.xx.

Day 7 ......Nausea, Nausea...and more Nausea...!!!

Day 7 and I've been so sick all day.

I had to double the hormones today and Oh Good God, The nausea has been unreal all day, it just hasn't let up at all.

I came home from work early and went to sleep for an hour, thinking some sleep would help, but I've been worse than ever since I woke up, nausea, headaches, dizziness... Today has just been a nightmare...!!!

Am looking forward to the long weekend and even though we will not be going on our cruise as we had planned, we are going to go away for the weekend, just to get away and relax and unwind before Implantation next week.

Hoping I'm feeling better tomorrow as we have a great day planned at work, The Easter Bunny is coming to visit.

People keep saying to me that it must be so difficult to be working with children, with what I am going through and you know what....it used to be...but not anymore, now, everytime a child runs over to give me a hug or smiles up at me, it makes me smile because it reminds me of what I will have in the (hopefully) not too distant future.

Seven days down, nine to go......

Day 6 ...... Sore 'Mangina'

Day 6 and I got loads of sleep last night, was great.

I was doing really well today, was uncomfortable all day but not in a lot of pain.

I did manage to put a staple through my finger today though...which apparently was very very funny to watch, the pain of it wasnt so funny though.

Patrick and I have taken to watching programmes about pregnancy and labour and babies and anything related to that kind of thing. So...we were watching 'A Baby Story' this evening when my brother Liam came to visit. Trying to feign interest, he asked what an epidural is and I explained to him what it is.
On the show it was explaining about how the woman's pelvis has to expand to create space for the baby's head to fit through.

On hearing this...Liam turns about 20 different shades......... and declares....

"My vagina is hurting just hearing that".

The poor guy is in shock...!!! (I didn't have the heart to explain the difference between male and female anatomy to him...but, at 30...it would explain why he is still single...!!!)

 I have to double the dose of hormones tomorrow, which I am not looking forward to, as I haven't been doing so well on the low dose....I started  crying this evening because I could only find one of my flip-flops...!!!

Ok...Desperate Housewives time.......

Day 5........ Very Tired

Day 5 and I didnt get any sleep last night, so I've been super tired all day.

I came home from work early and slept on the couch for about 30 mins until Patrick came in to the sitting room to watch Air Crash Investigation and woke me up.

The nausea was pretty bad this evening, but seemed to pass after an hour or so.

Seriously exhausted right now, so going to get some sleep...or at least try...

Day 4 cont'd...............I Stand Corrected...!!!

So its after 2:30am on Day 4...........or is it Day 5...???

Right now, I couldn't care less what bloody day it is...I just want this pain to stop and I want to get some sleep...!!!

It feels like someone has been stabbing me in my left ovary for the past 4 hours, so if there is somebody out there holding a grudge and a voodoo doll...please, please stop...!!!

I'm really really thirsty too, which I assume is yet another side effect of these hormones.

The nausea seems to come in waves, but only in the evening time.

I remembered that the sulphuric smell of matches used to help with the morning sickness when I was pregnant last, and it seemed to help with the nausea this evening too, so that's something at least.

It is really difficult right now and I am finding it a lot to bear, but I suppose, in my head I am conscious that in just 2 weeks it will all be over. I think it makes it a bit easier that we have a schedule and we can count down the days, not like before when the timescale was fairly indefinite and every visit to the Clinic was tinged with uncertainty about whether the cycle would be cancelled that day or not.

Alright, I suppose I better try again to get some sleep.

Nighty night.xx.

Day 4 ....... Not too bad

Day 4 and things are not too bad.

I'm in a lot of pain today, but seem less irritable than I have been for the past few days. (Patrick might disagree)

Although...my afternoon did involve shopping and chocolate, so that could have something to do with it.

I am feeling very tired and hugely uncomfortable today, but I haven't had much nausea today, although saying that...it was much later yesterday evening when the nausea came on, so I guess time will tell.

Day 3 .............. "Seriously Ross Breathe Louder"

Day 3 and I am reminded of that episode of Friends where Rachel is unbelievably hormonal and poor Ross can't do right for doing wrong.

I woke up this morning to see what appeared to be the perfect silhouette of a pregnant woman on the curtain............yes, it was just a combination of the way the other curtain was sitting behind it and how the sun was shining in, but it did make me smile.

A sign...could it be???

Everything is annoying me today, I couldnt find my favourite jeans, my hair straightener wasnt heating up fast enough, idiots kept pulling out in front of me when I was driving into town and then just to complete my afternoon of irritation....the coleslaw was touching the lasagne on my plate when we went for lunch...!!!

My ovaries are extremely painful today too.

And here's the mad part..............I am still only on the low dose of hormones...!!!

Suffice to say...people may be offended, insulted or even injured over the next 2 weeks.

I apologise in advance and just remember...it is all for a good cause.

.xx.

Day 2 ......... Enter Hormones

Day 2 and all is not too bad, I guess.

I began taking the lower dose of the hormones today, started off not too bad, but wasn't long before the ovary pains started, mild at first but got progressively worse as the day went on.

Then, this evening the nausea and dizziness started. I called the Clinic and they said that it is normal to feel that way and it should get easier.

I'm feeling a bit weepy today too, but had a really nice day at work (I work with very understanding people...!!!)

I keep having waves of nausea, its just horrid...!!!

Here's hoping it gets easier...SOON...!!!

Never underestimate the power of THE BLOG

So.....a few minutes after my last post.............guess who makes an appearance...!!!

Full steam ahead for tomorrow...!!!

.xx.

Day 1..............I think...???

Ok, so my period, which has been like clockwork for the past 3 months, was due on Tuesday, meaning I would have started the hormones yesterday.

Tuesday came and went..................no sign...!!!

Wednesday came and went........................still no sign, but good God those cramps are unreal.

Thursday..........is almost gone and I am doubled over with cramps and some bare spotting, but................................. period...............helloooooooooooo................are you there...???????

I'm a little (VERY) hormonal this evening too, which has not been helped by the fact that one of my cats seemed to mistake one of my designer handbags for his litter tray..................thanks Charlie...!!!!!!!

Any way...I am currently chilling on the couch, Patrick sitting across the room on the other couch...poor guy afraid to open his mouth or to even look at me crooked, for fear of getting his head bitten off.............. wasn't the best evening for him to complain about me doing some work on my laptop after I got home...............!!! (Sorry Honey).

so for now...fingers crossed that I will have some progress on the whole period thing before midnight, so I can start the hormones tomorrow............Imagine how impossible I will be to live with then...!!!

Countdown to Implantation

Ok.....so...Patrick's ankle is proper broken, so we've had to cancel our cruise...!!!

We were super disappointed for a while, but then we realised...well....if we're not going to be away...we have no reason to wait til May to go back to the Clinic.

I rang the Clinic on Tuesday and the said I could go for my Pre-Menstrual Scan on Friday morning.

So, we went down this morning to have the scan, basically they need to check if there are any cysts on my ovaries before resuming treatment.

The scan hurt as much as it ever did...that left ovary is a master at hide-and-seek...!!!

But ...GOOD NEWS.....no cysts...!!!!!

So, we have all the medication...we just have to wait for my cycle to begin and can start the medication on Day 2, then there will be about 14-16 days of medication before Implantation.

Exciting times...very, very exciting...!!!

Mother's Day Tomorrow...

Ok, so I was doing really well...or at least I thought I was.

I guess I kept pushing it to the back of my mind that tomorrow should have been my first Mother's Day as a Mother.
Avoiding (or at least trying to avoid) these crippling feelings of loss and grief.

I've been restless all day, trying to keep busy...needing to keep busy, anything to keep me occupied to avoid dealing with how I am feeling.

But...as usual...my evasive plan was self-foiled and I am being hit with an overwhelming feeling of missing my son, of needing my son, of wanting him here so badly it actually hurts, it physically hurts...!!!

Mother's Day is supposed to be a happy day, where we show our appreciation to our Mothers, we buy them gifts and take them out to lunch, but do we forget all of the Mothers in the world, who are without their babies? The Mothers out there who find Mother's Day to be one of the hardest days of the year, its right up there with the day they lost their baby and the day their little angel was due.
It is a day which compounds in our hearts just what we have lost, it reminds us of what we are missing from our lives, of what we want the most in our lives but was taken from us.

All is not lost though...my current need to nurture is being well 'accomodated' right now (and not exploited at all...!!!!!!!!) by my husband who missed the bottom step while climbing out of his truck last night and ended up breaking his foot. So, after spending the majority of the day at the hospital, Patrick is laid up on the couch with a hard cast right up to his knee, he is in a lot of pain and is pretty much unable to do anything for himself.
I guess its my turn to look after him for a while.

To all the Mothers out there, whether you can hold your little ones in your arms or not,

Have a very Special Day Tomorrow

.xx.

Baby Retail Therapy...!!!

After getting that fantastic news on Friday, I have been pretty much just buzzing ever since.

One of my best friends had a beautiful baby girl about 4 weeks ago. I so much wanted to go shopping for the perfect present for this beautiful little lady, but after about 7 attempts...during only one of which I managed to actually make it into the baby section of the store, I just couldnt do it.

So, I got the brainwave that if I told my friend that I was going shopping for a baby present, well then...surely I would have to do it.

So, as I was chatting to her on facebook chat, I made a joke that I was going shopping the following day for a baby present, asked whether the little princess preferred Baby Burberry or Gucci Baby, of course the response was 'oh she is a fan of both' (Clever Mommy...!!!)

So, the following day, Patrick and I went off shopping. All day, I was super confident that we were going to buy a pressie for the baby at some stage during the day. So, of course we managed to go to every section of every store, apart from the baby section...!!!

Eventually Patrick that he wanted to go and look at the Guitar Magazines, so I thought...ok, this is my chance, 'I'll go and have a look for something for the baby while you're doing that'

As I entered the store I was still feeling super confident...well, I'd told my friend I was doing it...so I had to...right?

WRONG...!!!

I came to a junction in the store....go left to the baby section...go right to the accessories.............well.....I needed some hair clips, so I'll just go and get those first.  So, I pick some clips (that I havent actually worn to this day) and notice that Patrick is entering the store, having finished looking at the magazines.

Well, I didnt want to keep him waiting (yes, there is a first time for everything...!!!)...I pay for the clips and we leave the store.

I just couldn't do it.

So....after talking to the clinic on Friday..................I went to the store on Saturday and pretty much bought every pink baby outfit in sight. I called to my friend's house on the way home to give her the pressies, and was immediately handed this tiny little baby girl, oh gosh she was so tiny.

And.....for the first time in months, it wasnt breaking my heart to be holding this beautiful little being.

So, yes...that is definately progress..!!!

Needed a Break

As you will have noticed, I haven't posted for a while. I simply wasn't able to, I was seriously struggling with the overwhelming emotions of what we had just been through and just needed to take a break from it for a bit.


Over the past 4 months, I have basically picked up every illness going, my system was so low.


But I'm on the road to fighting fit again.


So, I spoke to the Clinic yesterday and everything is fine, we are good to go ahead with the Frozen Embryo Transfer on my next cycle (if we want to).


We are going to wait til the following cycle though, as we are going away on a fantastic Mediterranean Cruise at the end of next month, which would not be allowing enough time for the F.E.T cycle.


So, pretty much...when we come back from our holiday, we will have about a week and then we will be able to start back into treatment.


It really just was the best news I could have heard and I have been floating ever since hearing it.

To My Little Angel.......

Its been just over a year since you've been ripped from my womb, robbed of the chance to be born into a world where you would have been loved more than you could ever imagine.
I think of you all the time, we talk about how you would have looked, probably blue/green eyes and dark hair. I wake at night because I hear you crying in my dreams and all I want to do is comfort you, I want to hold you, I ache to hear your light breathing through silent nights.

I am crumbling tonight, a silly comment made by your Dad brought to the fore all the emotions I have been bottling up for over a year. Things keep going wrong and I am so terrified of losing another baby,  I just don't think I am strong enough to go through that again.

When I was in the emergency room on the 6th of November, exactly a year after we lost you, the lady in the next cubicle had gone into labour and had a fetal heart monitor attached, her baby's heart beat echoed throughout the room and it broke my heart to hear it.

I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in angels and I know you are there somewhere, trying to keep me strong, when in reality it should be me looking after you.

We should be preparing for your first Christmas now, every time I go to the supermarket I see something that I would love to be buying for you, the perfect 'Baby's First Christmas' outfit, a blue 'Baby's First Christmas' stocking to hang from the mantlepiece.

I shared a joke (and a secret tear) with your Dad last weekend, when we spotted a baby's shirt saying 'my Daddy rocks'. I should have been buying that for you, (although knowing your Dad, it would be accompanied by a fender strat and a drum kit...!!!!!!!)

We never got to meet you, but we never stop thinking about you. You are a huge part of our lives and we love you so much. We talk about how you would like Postman Pat and Fireman Sam, and how we would love to be showing you the shows we watched as kids, like Bosco, and how we would never have inflicted that obnoxious purple dinosaur on you.

Its so hard because we both believe that we would make great parents, but for some reason the Universe does not want that to happen right now and it is just so hard to understand.

I've cried so much tonight, cried hysterically to the point where I was crying so hard I was gasping for breathe. (I guess this is why we are not supposed to bottle up our feelings!)

I still ache when I see a new baby and I guess I always will, but I guess I just have to accept that there was a greater reason that you could not be born into this world.

" An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book

 'Too Beautiful for Earth'"

Take care my beautiful little angel.xx.

Home, Once Again.......

Four weeks, four hospital admissions.....hopefully that is the end of it now. The next time I end up in hospital, I better be in labour...!!!

I am starting to feel better, still rather sore (and very sore at times) but definately on the mend.

Starting to get out a bit now and wanting to get out more and meet people, which I think is a sign that I must be on the mend.

I am still exhausted after doing basic things and still not really sleeping very well, but I think that will improve once I start being more active.

The girls at work have come up with some fantastic ideas for fundraising for the Noah Foundation, I will post more information once we have some definate plans, but please keep sending your ideas to me.

I received a letter in the post today, it was a copy of  the report letter that Dr. Waterstone sent to my G.P.. Gosh, it is interesting to read everything I have been through in the past few weeks. I think most of it had slipped my mind actually, but it was a very interesting read.
It was also quite wonderful to be able to read back through this blog and look at how I was feeling during each stage of the process, to remember emotions both good and bad.

People keep asking how long I am going to continue writing to this blog, and I guess the answer is that I have no plans to stop anytime soon anyway. I enjoy doing it and I truly believe that it helps and informs people.

For now, I am going to get a relatively early night and hopefully some decent sleep.

4 Inch Stillettos, Hovercraft Ambulances And General Rambling...

I forgot how difficult and draining it is to do simple, everyday things when you haven't been doing them for a while.

I had to go to a work meeting this morning, wasn't ideal, but couldn't really be avoided.

I didn't sleep well last night, was very sore, but anyway I got up at 8am to get ready for the meeting. It took me about 30 minutes to get ready and I was just wiped out after that much. I had to go and lay down for half an hour before Liam came to pick me up.

Liam dropped me home afterwards and I have done absolutely nothing since. I am completely drained, so tired. I feel like I have over-exerted myself with the small amount I did today. 14 hour working days seem a distant memory now and an impossible feat...!!!

I guess I will just do a little more each day until I am back into the swing of things.

Surprisingly enough, I find wearing heels to be much more comfortable than flat shoes right now. I have figured out that this is because the pain is so low down on the right side of my abdomen, wearing flat shoes puts all my weight on my heels, which puts increased pressure on my lower abdomen, adding to the pain. Wearing heels puts most of my weight on the balls of my feet, which eases the pressure on my heels, therefore decreasing the pressure on my abdomen, making walking around much more comfortable.

I have to say I was getting some very strange looks today, walking around in boots with 4 inch stilletto heels while at the same time being off work with abdominal pain...!!!

Oh yeah...I probably should have said beforehand..........I seem to have developped a tendancy to ramble on a bit about random topics lately, one such ramble involved an idea for an ambulance design. This involved a hovercraft design with a siren attachment to stop it hurting when travelling to the hospital. As anyone who has ever been in the back of an ambulance will know that they are the most uncomfortable mode of transport ever, you end up getting battered and bruised on the way to the hospital, as you get thrown around with every little bump on the road.

Sleep Works Wonders

I finally got a decent night's sleep last night, slept from 11:30 pm til 10:00am.

Probably a combination of being home, finally knowing what's wrong and finally having some decent pain medication that actually takes away the pain.

I am up and about a bit today, getting some minor paperwork done, but at the same time following the strict orders I have been given to take it easy...!!!

Home From Hospital Again

The pain got pretty bad again on Sunday night so we went to CareDoc who sent us to Clonmel hospital.

They did some x-rays and tests and also some scans. Again, these showed the PCOS in the right ovary.

There was still some very clear blood in my urine. The Dr's were fantastic and very informative, although they readily admitted that they know very little about the IVF process.

They kept me in hospital, on Cyclomorph (morphine) injections until this morning, when we left for Cork as we had a pre-arranged appointment with Dr. Waterstone and it was very necessary that we keep this appointment.

So they did a scan at the Clinic and together we discussed and reviewed the issues and test results that had accumulated over the past four and a half weeks. Everything was pointing to a pretty significant blockage in my bowel. So, Dr. Waterstone gave me a prescription for some enemas and some medication to help to clear out my bowels, with instructions that if they haven't worked by Thursday to contact him directly and return to the Clinic.

For now though, I am super glad to be home (again) and am very tired. I never sleep properly in hospital.

We also spoke to Dr. Waterstone today about the Noah Foundation and what our plans were and how we would like to deal exclusively with his Clinic. He was quite surprised and even admitted to feeling humbled at what he was hearing.

He is very happy to liaise with us, so that through the Noah Foundation, we can provide as much support as possible to individuals and couples who are going through the same thing as us.

I am very excited about the whole Noah Foundation idea and can't wait to be well enough to really get working on it.

Must go and rest for now though, all curled up in front of the fire.