2013 You Have Been Interesting.......

As I'm scrolling down through my Facebook page, I see a resounding air of 
 '2013, you've been crap, can't wait to see the back of you. Bring on 2014' 

It's funny because I guess I feel like 2013 wasn't too crap for me. Don't get me wrong - some very crappy things happened. I had surgery in February, which was awful and the recovery was extensive, but it finally gave us answers about why I had been in so much pain. My mother's sister died in February and her brother died in September, they were both awful times, but it brought me closer to my Mother's family, I really got to know some of my cousins that I didn't really know when we were growing up because we lived so far away from each other. 
September also brought a change of Clinic, I finally listened to Gordon and went to Sims, this in turn, gave us the most heartbreaking news that we ever could have imagined, it knocked us back like we never could have imagined, it absolutely floored us, but it gave us answers, it removed all of our options except one, it gave us a definitive path that we have to take, a path of great uncertainty, but it saved us from years and years of treatment and inevitable heartbreak. We have a long way to go... but at least we know which way to go.
December brought my biggest operation to date, which involved me losing my left tube and the recovery is something I never imagined could be as difficult as it is, but with all of the 'badness' removed, once the recovery is complete, it should give me a whole new lease of life.
Ok... so some pretty crappy stuff happened in 2013, but gosh, I'm astounded at my ability to find the positives in those horrible situations.

I learned a lot in 2013, maybe I'm actually starting to 'grow up' :-). I learned who my real friends are, I learned who the ones I can depend on are, I learned who I can call on when I need something and who will be there when things aren't so good. I also learned of the people who are only my so-called-friends because it benefits them in some way, this was a huge awakening for me, it really opened my eyes and my eyes shall remain firmly locked open to this. 2013 was the year that I removed some people from my life, some of the people who really weren't good for me, people who caused me unnecessary stress and lived for pointless 'drama', but it has also allowed me to really focus on the people who I know are positive influences in my life and I so appreciate them and the fact that they also view me as a positive influence in their's.

I also learned a lot about myself. I learned that sometimes I get so hung up on things that seem hugely important at the time but are in fact pretty minuscule in the great scheme of things, that I end up missing some things that really are important and sometimes I fail to see the bigger picture because I'm so focused on the small things. I also learned a lot about other people, I learned that the people who are mean or nasty or judgmental are that way because of some failing within themselves, not because there is something wrong with me. I've learned that sometimes people say things that they don't really mean when they are angry or upset and that I should try not to take those things personally, no matter how hurtful it may have been. 

I also learned just how lucky I am, I've learned to focus positively on what I do have, instead of negatively on what I don't. Yes - bad things happen, they happen a lot, but good things also happen and I guess when horrible things happen to other people or we hear about bad things happening on the news, I can be thankful those things are not happening to us, and while we don't have and may never have what we truly want, we do have a lot and most importantly - we have each other.

Patrick might disagree with my next point, but I think 2013 was the year that we both finally realised that it's just the two of us, and we have to start living for just the two of us because that might be all there ever is. There is a huge possibility that we may never be able to have children, and you know... while that is an absolutely heartbreaking notion... if that is to be then so be it. 

Who knows what 2014 will hold, will it be the year that I finally manage to stay pregnant, or will it be the year that we find out that it is not even a possibility?. Whatever happens I do know that no matter how difficult it is to cope with or how bad it seems at the time, I know that we will somehow find the strength to get through it.

I know I've had some issues with 'hope' this year, and at several times I felt that I had been abandoned by hope and that I had abandoned all hope. I began to hate hope because I felt that it just gave me false expectations of what is going to happen and things never went the way I wanted them to and I guess it was easier to blame hope than to accept what was really going on. Probably the most important thing that I have learned this year is that if you don't have hope, you don't have anything, you may as well just give up. A very special friend of mine chose a very special and thoughtful gift for me to make sure that I always remember this and I'd like to share it with all of you.

Here it is...

So, that pretty much sums up 2013 for me, I'm going into 2014 with a very open mind. I have no real expectations. but I do have hope and I do have faith and belief that no matter what happens, we will get through it. Life will be what we make it.

It feels kinda weird to finish this post and not mention Gordon, who has done so much for us in the past 12 months. I can't imagine what this journey would have become if we didn't have his guidance and support but I do know that I would have struggled to find the strength and endurance to overcome all of the hurdles that we have overcome if Gordon hadn't been an integral part of our journey... and we both know that if someday we do manage to hold our own baby in our arms - it will be solely and completely because of Gordon Mullins and Aculife Clinic.

Tomorrow is the first day of 2014, the first day of a brand new year, a brand new blank 365 page-a-day diary...

Make it a good read.xx.

Only Human...

Turns out that not getting any sleep the night before the operation was actually a really good thing, coz when I was brought to my room to wait to be called... I actually fell asleep, so I was sleeping instead of laying there panicking and freaking out. The panicking and freaking out only started when they came to bring me down to theatre, and as soon as I was laying on the operating table with the needle in my hand - they gave me a relaxant and I suddenly became one of the many defiant toddlers who have just discovered the power of the word 'NO' that I see at work every day. I had started to panic and was feeling like I couldn't really breathe so the nurse told me that they were going to start putting the anesthetic into my arm and I would go off for a nice sleep..... my response... "I will not". She then followed with "You're gona go off for a lovely rest now" my response "No, I'm not!" Even as I could feel my arm burning from the liquid and my face was beginning to burn and I could feel myself losing control of my eyelids... I was adamant that I was not going to go to sleep and I'd really much rather just go home...... and then I woke up... almost 4 hours later.

Yep, I spent 4 hours in theatre and the pain was bad when I woke up, but the worst part was the tube in my throat had gotten stuck and I had locked my teeth around it so they had to wake me up completely so that I would open my mouth wide enough for them to remove the tube, that was the most awful sensation and my throat was in bits after it.
They gave me the maximum doses of morphine and once I had stabilised, they brought me back to my room where I sent a few text messages in between dozing in and out of sleep.

Patrick was back to see me before I knew it and he reiterated my own surprise at how good I was feeling in comparison to previous surgeries. I didn't know it at the time but it was due to the amount of pain medication that they had given me and the fact that I was breathing 100% pure oxygen through the tube in my nose.

Dr. Hayes came around to see me later that evening and he said that it couldn't have gone better, he was very happy with how it had all gone. He showed me pictures of both of my tubes. The right one was tiny and perfectly formed, the left one was swollen and mangled and looked more like brains to me than a fallopian tube - it really was no wonder I had been in so much pain with it. he then informed me that even though I wasn't feeling too bad right then, that I could expect to have an awful amount of pain in a few days time and to really not expect much ease from it for 6 to 8 weeks, and realistically I can expect to not be pain free for about 6 months. I kept telling myself that once that passes it should make a huge difference to how I feel and how I am.

I spent a few days in hospital and I really wasn't too bad even when I got home. It was really only the following Thursday, 6 days after the surgery (which also happened to be my 30th birthday) that I really started to feel miserable. Gordon came to visit me in the morning, he took my pulses and said that my liver points were screaming at him. He warned me that the points he was about to put needles in would really hurt, but they would only hurt for a minute or so and then it would disperse... and he was right. He used points in the upper part of both of my feet and good grief did they hurt, but just like he said... they stopped hurting after a short amount of time.

It was actually quite nice to just sit there and chat with him, it was very relaxed and I felt that it really was an amazing session. Gordon finished up and left after about an hour and I instantly felt really sleepy, I was completely zonked. I don't really remember but I think I may have dozed off for a bit... and then... it happened - I started to cry, I don't know why I was crying, all I know is that I couldn't stop crying. I cried for the best part of four hours, inconsolably an emotional wreck, I just could not stop crying. I think it was a combination of being exhausted coz I hadn't really been sleeping and having the full extent of the pain finally hit me, and the fact that I was spending my 30th birthday laid up, unable to move, completely miserable. I finally started to come round and could feel myself finally be able to stop crying... and then there was a knock on the door... It was only a delivery man with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers from all of the people I work with, and cards that all of the children at work had made for me... and well... that started me off again and I was a sobbing, emotional mess for pretty much the rest of the evening.

A few days after I had gotten home from hospital, I had noticed that I was getting a funny kind of pain in my left leg. I kept brushing it off as just being a bit crampy from not being active, until the night before Christmas Eve (well really 3am on Christmas Eve), the pain in my leg got quite intense and my foot was feeling numb and swollen. I instantly got a feeling that I had a blood clot in my leg and needed to go and have it checked out immediately (At 3am on Christmas Eve). Really, it was just as well that I did, because it turned out that I had developed a rather small clot just below my knee on my left leg. They weren't too worried about it because of where it was located and the risk of it travelling was low, but not wanting to take any chances with a deep vein thrombosis, they put me on daily Innohep injections to keep my blood thin and to prevent the clot from growing. So, I am injecting myself daily into my already swollen and bruised stomach.

Its been just over 2 weeks since the surgery and I have really struggled with the pain this last week. I am acutely aware of the amount of cauterisation that had to be done internally, because the pain I feel is the pain of charring and searing and burning and it hurts, my gosh does it hurt. It stabs deep inside me every time that I move, and I realise that I had seriously underestimated the severity and intensity of this recovery. 
We went to my Mum's house for dinner on Christmas day, a short 2 mile trip and sitting up for about 3 hours meant that by the time I got home, I was unable to move, I was crippled with pain and I spent most of the following day just vomiting with some kind of stomach bug, it was just horrible. I was beginning to feel better by the next day and soon I was able to tolerate food again.

It's been a bit trial and error trying to find a pain killer that suits me and is strong enough to deal with the severity of pain that I am experiencing. I'm a bit odd about taking pain killers, especially opiates, I just don't like how they make me feel, but I think we have finally found a pain killer that seems to be suiting me, its just a matter of getting the dosage correct now. It is a two part drug. The first part is a prolonged release drug that is to be taken twice a day; in the morning and at night. The second part is a fast acting drug that can be taken every 4 hours to top up the prolonged release drug and keep on top of the pain. We are kind of playing with dosages to try and get it to where I need it to be, so that I am getting adequate pain relief without the horrible sensations and side effects.

I had a bit of a melt-down on Saturday night just gone. I think it was a combination of not sleeping, being completely exhausted, perhaps some cabin fever from inactivity, generally being a bit up and down and the painful irony that I am so swollen and bruised that I actually look about 8 months pregnant. I found myself beginning to write, it was angry, pain-filled writing, writing that I told myself I would not put on this blog because I was perhaps embarrassed or ashamed that I could have filled a swear jar with the first paragraph alone. But I think the right thing to do is for me to share it on here, because it is true to me and it is a true representation of what I am actually going through right now and that afterall, is what this blog is all about, so here goes... 

So here I am again, this mother f'n shithole of a place that I continually return to, guided only by my personal struggle to stay alive, to work through the pain - the physical pain. "It will get easier" of course it f'n will, meanwhile put your man parts through the f'n blender and then try to empathise, then tell me that it will be ok, then tell me that you understand, that you feel my pain. You can't f'n feel it, it's mine, it's always mine. 

Surgery after surgery, all leading to and accumulating to be this surgery. I've felt pain, I've felt pain in doses that most people will never experience, I've never felt pain like this. This is pain caused by cauterisation, by burning, by singeing and searing, the vacant space left by the removal of my mangled left tube, it's not vacant. It's filled with burning, the pain is of my charred insides and every time I move, it stabs me, it stabs deep inside me and that f'n hurts!

I was doing so well, it was too easy, I knew it was too good to be true. My mind tricked me into thinking that this was gona be easy, that I could do this with no great problems... Of course that couldn't be the case. My body strikes with a curve ball - a blood clot, of course I need a f'n deep vein thrombosis on top of everything else, of course I need to be injecting myself into my already painfully swollen and bruised stomach every day just so it doesn't travel to my heart or brain and kill me... Of course I do, why wouldn't I.... It's not like I have anything f'n better to be doing.

Am I angry? No, I'm not angry. Anger would be too easy. No part of this is easy. 'Oh just try to relax and take some more drugs'. A junkie's idea of heaven.

Wouldn't it be so easy to let those drugs take my mind to a place where it is easy, where I'm so off my f'n face that I don't feel any pain, instead my days can be filled with rainbows and f'n butterflies and I could live in a hole of blissful obliviousness  - oh how easy it would be.

Maybe I am angry, maybe I'm just losing my mind or maybe, just maybe...
This is all part of the plan. I have no idea who's plan it is, it certainly isn't mine. I never asked for this, I never wanted this and I have no f'n idea what I did to deserve it!

I'd quite like to sleep, real sleep. I'd quite like to not be told that I'm looking a bit better when I'm feeling like my abdomen has been through 12 rounds with Mike Tyson and I look about 8 months pregnant, the f'n irony...!!! It's almost laughable. I wish I could laugh, but it hurts too much. I wish I could have a break from the pain, just a break from it, just enough so that I can prepare myself for it, coz I really wasn't prepared for this. I thought I was, but I seriously underestimated this. I didn't realise that it would be so much, so intense, so inconceivably painful and it's messing with my head because I can't escape it.

I'd like it to just stop for a while....

While I so hard try to keep it together and remain strong through whatever I am going through, sometimes it all does get on top of me, especially at times like this when I am not able to keep myself busy or completely occupied and I really am struggling with the pain and soreness.

I guess it is really just a matter of taking it one day at a time. It is a harsh realisation that I am in fact, only human (well... for the time being... while my super-human powers are temporarily subdued). So... one day at a time and fingers crossed that this will all have been worth it and perhaps, just perhaps... this could possibly be the end of operations for a while. I think the two surgeries I have had within 9 months of each other this year, following all of the previous operations that I have been through... I'm probably set for a few surgery-free years. Gosh I'll hardly know what to do with myself if I am not being sliced open regularly :-)

Pre-Op Freak Out.......

So yeah... I'm having surgery in just over 6 hours. It is advisable to get a good night's sleep before any kind of operation or procedure..... so why can't I sleep...??? Oh Yeah.... COZ I'M HAVING SURGERY IN JUST OVER 6 HOURS...!!!

I'm not sure what is bothering me more... the being sliced open OR the fact that they have to use a large metal speculum as part of the hysteroscopy procedure, Ok I know I'm going to be asleep for all of this and won't know a thing about it, but they're gona be sticking something that closely resembles a car jack up my you-know-what... (we all know how well I do with the medium sized speculums they use for transfers)... while slicing me open to complete that and the many other procedures that they have to do.

One of my least favourite parts of any surgical procedure is the clean-room right outside the operating theatre, for one thing, it has a very distinct smell, a memory-provoking smell which I absolutely hate, but apart from that, its the loneliness, I will be alone at this point. I will have to leave Patrick at the end of the corridor and I will be alone... being alone is a lot scarier when you are half blind and can't have your glasses or contact lenses with you, unable to focus on anything, visually or physically, I suppose. 

The anaesthetist will come and talk to me, he'll make some jokes to try and put me at ease, I'll imagine that I politely giggle, but in fact I'll probably look at him like he's bloody insane... how the hell could I be at ease...??? Then the surgeon will come and talk to me, make sure he has everything in order and is 100% clear on what he is to do. Meanwhile, I will see many nurses, each of then trying to reassure me, while also trying to assure themselves and the anaesthetist that I am in fact the right patient, with the right date of birth. They will be fascinated with my story, they always are and it is always a fantastic talking point, a way to keep the conversation flowing while they wheel me in to the operating theatre. It always reminds me of how my childhood image of being abducted by aliens looks (I have two older brothers, who spent the first 8 years of my life thinking up creative ways to scare the sh*t out of me...!!!). The huge round lights, the people wearing masks, all of the equipment..... and then there's the table. They will instruct me to transfer myself from the trolley to the operating table. Every time I feel like point blank refusing, but I do it anyway. The instructions will follow to find the outside of the table at each side and centre myself on the table. They will then tell me to lay back and relax (Relax..... are you freakin kidding me...???). I'll lie back a certain amount, but not fully. I need to be semi-sitting up, I need to be able to see (theoretically) what is going on around me, so they will either give me something to put under my head or they will raise up the head of the table for me. They will keep talking to me, keep reassuring me... while the anaesthetist searches my arms for a decent vein to put the cannula into. He'll have trouble with this because I have terrible veins but eventually he will find one. Once the cannula is in, he will put a relaxant through it and suddenly I will feel like this ain't so bad. Then I will keep talking... and talking... and talking... :-) In just a few minutes, he will tell me that I'm going to be going off to sleep now as he injects the white liquid into my arm... it will burn, my veins will feel like they are on fire. I will lock my eyes with the eyes of one of the nurses and I will fight with complete stubbornness, I am, of course, fighting a losing battle because within seconds I will lose control of my eyes...... and then.... I'll wake up. As I'm coming around I will feel them removing the tube from my throat... that's rather unpleasant, but it is very quick... and I will notice myself talking... and talking... and talking, probably spouting some serious mumbo-jumbo because the nurses are usually laughing.......... and then the pain in my abdominal area will hit me, it kinda takes your breath away when it hits and the nurses will work as quickly as they can to give me some morphine to take the edge off of it. 

And then I will realise that it is all over, and all of that worrying and freaking out was for nothing. I will spend a while in the recovery room and then eventually they will wheel me back to my bed. The transfer from trolley to bed is always a seemingly impossible feat but somehow I always manage it. All I will want to do is call Patrick and let him know that I am out of theatre. I will be on oxygen for a few days after the surgery as I tend to have respiratory problems after anaesthesia, but once that has stabilised, I will want to come home. Several times I have come home too soon after surgery because I just so badly want to get home. I hate being in hospital, I tend to get very down and I miss Lulu something awful. This time I will follow the Dr's instructions on when it is safe for me to go home, I've never had an operation this big before, so I think its best that I follow the instructions I am given.

And that's pretty much that. I will go home and will rest and try my best to keep positive.

I was seriously freaking out for the past few hours, but somehow - writing this has helped to settle my nerves and anxiousness. It has reminded me that none of this is a surprise to me, I know exactly how it is going to play out, I know exactly how it is going to happen and I will get through it.

It's times like this that I find myself being so thankful that I ever started this blog in the first place. Writing helps me and I know that I can turn to writing when I need to and it will help me. Putting words on the screen like this really does help to clarify what is really going on and to get to the root of the emotions I am really feeling, the ones that are being clouded by nerves and anxiousness.

I'm not sure I'll be any more able to sleep than I was an hour ago, but I think having written this will help me to have an easier time tomorrow morning. I know what is going to happen... I just have to get through it... one step at a time.......

Surgery Tomorrow.......

Two weeks ago, I started feeling a pain in my left side, it was a very familiar pain and followed an exact cycle that I have experienced quite a few times.... I had an ovarian cyst. The pain was more annoying than anything and was accompanied by a lot of abdominal pressure and swelling.

10 days ago, late in the evening the pain got extremely intense and suddenly it went from being concentrated just on my left side to encompassing my entire abdominal area and the feeling of pressure and swelling became a lot more intense. I went to the hospital for an ultrasound the following morning to have my fears confirmed - The cyst had ruptured. They admitted me to hospital straight away and the plan was to operate as soon as possible. Well, that was the plan until they discovered that the ruptured cyst had caused an abdominal infection. I spent a few days in hospital on IV antibiotics and was then allowed home to take antibiotics and pain killers.

The originally scheduled surgery is going ahead tomorrow morning, my feelings about it are a bit in limbo really. I'm kinda flittering back and forth between freaking out and wanting it over with.

We worked out the other night that this is surgery number 10 for me, and doesn't that seem to be the magic number for me - 10 little angels and 10 operations.

I guess with nine surgeries under my belt I should be fairly used to it by now, but unfortunately experience isn't really working in my favour. I can't help recalling the horrible feeling when you feel yourself losing consciousness, the panickiness when you realise that you have no control over it, once that needle is in your arm, there is no longer anything you can do, anything that happens from that point onwards is completely in the hands of the surgeon and the anaesthetist and the nurses. And knowing that when I wake up after this operation I am going to be in pain, and I will be in a lot of pain for many weeks after this operation.

I'm trying to keep busy this evening, trying not to think too much about how anxious I am or how tomorrow is going to play out. I am sad that I am going to lose my left tube, but I know that has to happen, it just feels that I will be 'incomplete' or something, but I know it is for the best and it will hopefully solve some of the other problems I have been experiencing.

We have to leave the house at 7 in the morning and I am booked into theatre for 8:30, I don't know how long I will be in theatre, but I imagine it will be a few hours anyway with the amount they have to do.

I've gotten some lovely calls and messages today, all wishing me well. I appreciate that so much. Truth is I'm on the verge of properly freaking out and know that I will be a lot worse tomorrow morning

Gotta look to this time tomorrow evening  when it will hopefully be all over and all I will have to worry about then is recovering and getting home and then more recovering......

Upcoming Surgery.....

I went to see Dr. Hayes in Kilkenny yesterday, and it looks like I'm having surgery in two weeks... on the 13th of December..... yep... I'm having surgery on Friday, the 13th... of course I am... lol...!!!
This is a fairly big operation and will encompass four procedures in one. The first is to remove my left fallopian tube, the hydrosalpinx has returned and the damage to the tube is irreversible, so the only options are to clip it or remove it completely. I have spoken to Dr. Hayes and we have decided that removing it is the best option, as while clipping it will stop the infection from seeping into my womb, it won't stop the awful pain that it causes.
The second procedure is a hysteroscopy, which involves examining the exterior of my womb and removing the entire contents of my womb, as the infection has been leaking into it for so long, this has to be contributing to my womb being such an inhospitable environment.
The third procedure is to drill into and burn the entire surface of both of my ovaries, to halt the production of cysts and hopefully stimulate healthy ovulation. I've had this done twice before and the recovery from this is just awful, it is extremely painful for 4-6 weeks after the procedure and again during ovulation for about the first 6 months.
The last procedure is to cut through the many adhesions that are connecting my womb, my tube, my ovary, my bowel and the scar tissues from previous surgeries.

So, all in all.... there is a lot to be done in this one procedure and I am told to expect to be in a considerable amount of pain for a few weeks after the surgery. I am anxious about it, although at this stage... one would imagine that I'd be used to having surgery.... it really doesn't get any easier...!!!

Its a good time for me to have surgery though, it is quiet at work for a few weeks over Christmas, so I will have a few weeks to be able to properly rest and recuperate and not have to be worrying about things.

I suppose I'm a bit sad that I will be laid up for my 30th birthday (on the 19th), but we had a lovely party last weekend and Patrick tells me that we will do something special for it as soon as I have fully recovered. I'll also be laid up for Christmas and the New Year, but I'm kinda feeling ok about that. December is always a really difficult time for me, and Christmas is a constant reminder of the babies that we have lost and the fact that we do not have any children to make a fuss of at Christmas time. Our first baby from our very first pregnancy was due on Christmas eve 2007, so Christmas has been difficult since then.

I wanted to briefly comment on the fact that we have recently passed the 50,000 mark on here. What an amazing achievement that is, it is just amazing. It's hard to believe that my little blog has reached such a huge audience.

So... right now, I'm trying to tie up a few loose ends for Christmas before going in for surgery. I am also trying to put together a plan for recovery after surgery, aided hugely by the fact that Gordon has offered to come and treat me at home in the weeks immediately following the surgery, to help my body to heal and recover from the huge trauma that it is about to undergo. 

I had a session with Gordon today... and I have to admit... I was completely zonked after it, I felt like all I wanted to do was sleep, so I'm hoping this means I will have a great night's sleep tonight......

Hope Is A Four Letter Word

Hope...Hope... Hope... Its a word I've had thrown at me so many times over the past 4 years... 'No matter what... you have to hang on to some hope'... Hope... Hope... Hope.

Its a word I used to love, a word that I used to cling on to.... It is now a word that I despise... It actually annoys me when someone tells me that there has to be some hope, there has to be some way... there has to be... there just has to be...

Well... it turns out that there might be. Gordon was talking to Dr. Walsh from Sims Clinic and was able to tell me that there is a clinic in the Czech Republic that has specialised in genetic testing of embryos for the past 13 years, so while it is very very new over here, they have been doing it for quite some time. The concern is the rarity of my condition and how little information is known or about it. There is a Dr. in the US who is researching this exact condition at the current time but will be quite a few years before any information is proven or readily available. 

So anyway... even though my reproductive chromosomes are low on both sides, there is a slight possibility that not all of my eggs will be affected. Basically it will involve going to the Czech Republic, stimulating and going through a whole other cycle of ICSI or IMSI, and then having all of the resulting embryos genetically tested to see which, if any of them, are genetically viable. It could turn out that 100% of them are defective and if that is the case... we are in the same position that we are currently in. ..... But maybe... just maybe it might not be 100% and we just need one genetically viable embryo to give this a proper go.

Gordon finished telling me this by saying 'I know it might not be much, but at least it is a tiny bit of hope'. There it is again..... that four letter word. Lol - I think it might be the first time I have used another four-letter-word when talking to Gordon...!!!

He's right though... I don't know if it is hope... but it is one more step that we can take before we have no option but to give up completely... and then we can truly say that we have exhausted all possibilities.

We went to Amsterdam for 5 days last week as it was Mid-term at work... and it really couldn't have come at a better time. As soon as the plane left Cork Airport, I could feel my stress levels reducing... it was amazing - just being away, away from the pain and hurt and grief and the results that we had gotten... just away. Unfortunately it was the opposite when we were coming back knowing what we were returning to.

We did have a good time in Amsterdam, even though there was an awful storm there. It's funny though how the mind can alter according to the situation that you find yourself in. I saw things that I never saw before.... I never saw parents struggling with children before, I never thought about how much trouble it is to take children away on holidays... to the point where my thinking almost became ' gosh, if we had kids... we wouldn't be able to do this'. I've never found myself thinking like that before and I guess it has struck me as quite interesting how my thinking has adapted to my current situation.... sure... its probably a means of protecting myself from how difficult it actually is to imagine us not having kids and unfortunately I am only too aware that sure protection mechanisms are very very temporary and only work for so long.

I did have an interesting experience in the Amsterdam Dungeon. It was scary and dark and creepy and things kept jumping out at us in the dark... my idea of an absolute nightmare. There were about eight rooms... each one more fear inducing than the last and I was proper freaking out. I don't like anything like that... I'm afraid of the dark at the best of times...!!! But anyway... In about the third room, I noticed that I could hear a child crying. At first I thought it was part of the 'show' but then I realised that someone had actually brought a child (can't have been more than 8 yrs old) in to the Dungeon. The majority of the show was in English and this child didn't speak English so not only was it ridiculously scary for him... he couldn't even understand what was being said. Immediately, I felt my own fear disappearing and all of my concern was now for this child who was absolutely petrified and was clinging onto who I can only imagine was his mother. I wasn't scared anymore... I found myself putting every ounce of energy I had into somehow willing for it to not be such a frightening experience for this little child. It just reminded me of the strength of my 'Maternal' instinct.

So... We do have a long road ahead of us... but I am refusing to even take on board how much is going to be involved in the next year or so. So, I have decided to concentrate only on the next step.... and the next step is Surgery... just surgery and once I am home after the surgery... the next step is recovering from surgery... and that is as far as I am going to allow myself to look ahead on this journey. I know that if I start to think about how much I will have to undertake, that I will get overwhelmed and it will seem impossible, but taking it one step about a time might make it seem actually do-able.

Hope is a four letter word, not my favourite four letter word at the minute.... but where would I be without it...???

'I Don't Know How...'

Six and a half years....... it is exactly six and a half years since this journey began for us, six and a half years since I first miscarried, six and a half years since I felt my heart breaking for the very first time. I became very familiar with that feeling over the past six and a half years as I came up against the same situation again and again... it never got easier. I don't know if it got more difficult each time, but I do know that every time that the realisation struck that it was happening again... I told myself that there was no way that I could go through it again, there was no way I would be able to find the strength to cope with another loss, there was no way I would be able to recover from it... and yet I did... again... and again... and again. 

Somehow over the past six and a half years, even with everything I have gone through.... I had managed to hang on to some amount of hope. It never crossed my mind at any point that it would never happen for us... 

I always 'knew' that it would, I just didn't know how much more I would have to go through before it did happen... and that didn't matter, because I would keep going until it did, I didn't care what I had to put myself through... I would do it if it meant that some day I would get to hold my own baby, someday I would hand Patrick our baby and our world would be complete... not just complete, but completely complete.

That has been ripped from me and I am finding that so hard to comprehend, Some days I find myself actually laughing about it because it all seems just so ridiculous, like how could that be true... it just doesn't make any sense. Some days I find myself talking about it as if I was discussing the results of the football match at the weekend... all facts and figures, very clinical.... and then there are the days.... the days where I find myself panicking, struggling to breathe because it hits me so hard that this is real, very real. On one of those days..... I sat in front of Gordon... watching him fight back tears... while he struggled to find something to say to me... as I pitifully pleaded with him to find some way to change the results, some way to fix it, some way to make it not be true... as he tells me 'Anne-Marie, you know I would if I could, but I don't know how'. How could he not know how? He has to know..... Gordon has always known what to do... each time we've come up against an obstacle... he has known what to do, he's been able to point me in the right direction, he's been able to tell me who to talk to, he's been able to tell me the steps that I need to take next. How could the guy who can make a migraine disappear by giving me instructions over the phone, who can make an irregular cycle into a 28 day cycle in less than 30 minutes, the guy who can transform me from a person who walks into his clinic a worked up ball of stress into someone who is chilled out and floats out of the clinic in as much time..... No matter what the problem is... Gordon knows what to do... how can he not know what to do to fix this...???

I guess the answer is simple... you cannot fix genetics... there is no way to fix this, and despite my suspicions that he must have some super-natural powers.... I am reminded that he is, in fact... just a human being... a mere mortal who I know would do anything to change this for me... if it could be changed.... but it can't be.

He has though, promised me that he will talk to Dr. Walsh from SIMS as soon as he can, to try to find some way of at least helping me to understand this.

I realise that since I attended Gordon's clinic for the very first time back in June 2011, I have depended on him quite a lot for guidance on this journey... and he has never steered me wrong. And even though we have been hit with the last thing that we ever expected, and I know that I will never be able to accept it... I do realise that had we not started attending SIMS clinic and had the genetic testing done there, I would have continued with cycle after cycle of IVF treatment for the next 10-15 years. I would have kept getting pregnant and miscarrying time and time again... I would have kept going til it killed me, I don't think I ever would have made the decision myself to stop, it would have been made for me... one way or another, but I do know I never would have given up on my dream to have my own baby. It was Gordon who steered us to SIMS Clinic, It was Gordon who introduced me to the whole world of Auto-immune issues and practically plagued me with the 'Is your body baby friendly' book until I finally agreed to take his copy and read it. It was Gordon who pointed me in the direction of Auto-immune and genetic testing, he kept talking to me about Natural Killer cells and I kept brushing it off and letting it go over my head.... I did not want to even go there. I know it sounds like I'm blaming Gordon for a whole pile of stuff here... but I have to respect that it is because of Gordon that we finally got answers...not the answers we wanted.... but definitive answers none-the-less.

I truly do not know how I am going to get through this... I don't know how I am going to get to a point of being able to even believe that this is true, never mind a point of understanding it or coming to terms with it, but an email from Gordon that simply said 'spare parachute packed and ready' ( You might remember me being in a state before my last transfer and comparing it to jumping out of a plane again and again and my parachute failing every time, and me being afraid to jump again in case the same thing happens again... and Gordon telling me that it was ok because this time he was jumping with me and he was carrying the spare parachute) tells me that no matter how long it takes or how bad it gets.... I won't be going through it alone.

To be honest, I've been a bit surprised by people's reactions to this news. I've been met by friends, colleagues, family... who cannot speak, but simply hug me and burst into tears. This is affecting everyone very deeply and it makes me realise that there are a lot of people who have been on this journey with me, people who have no experience of IVF themselves but have followed my journey from the start and have hoped and prayed that it would work for us. From my friends who tell me that they know how lucky they are to have their babies and that it just isn't fair that this is happening to me.... to the amazing woman who continually offers me use of her womb should I ever consider going down the surrogacy route.... To Gordon who was fighting back tears so hard that he couldn't speak (sorry to ruin your macho image ;-) )..... to my friends who are planning coffee dates, shopping trips, pamper days, venting sessions..... anything to make me feel better and get me through this... to my colleagues at work who have been simply been amazing..... to Patrick's sister in-law who made me toast because I had forgotten to eat.... to my friends in Northern Ireland, the UK and America who sent me the most beautiful pendant - the design entitled The Circle of Life, which has so much relevance and meaning and is very very special to me. I have been overwhelmed by the reaction, and even though I know that I am nowhere near the point of even beginning to realise the severity and actuality of this... I will get there and I will not be alone.

Circle of Life Pendant.

That Time Of The Year Again...

15th of October ...7PM Wave of Light... One candle for each of our beautiful Angels.xx.

Abnormal Genes and Disintegrated Dreams...

Where do I start...???

I had kinda forgotten that Dr. Walsh from SIMS was to ring me today with test results - and how I so wish he never made that call. I wish I could turn back the clock and not take that call today, I wish I had never heard the news I heard today, I wish I never got those results, I wish I never did those damn tests... coz then I could continue living in semi-ignorant bliss where I had hope, where I could picture myself carrying my baby both inside and out, where I think about what school my child will go to, what hobbies they will have, how people will say to me that he/she looks just how I did at that age.... that all disintegrated in about the first 90 seconds of that phone call.

I have a genetic abnormality called Low Low FMR-1 Homozygote. This directly affects follicle development and egg quality. It means that I am genetically predisposed to miscarriage, and while the success rates with fertility treatment are very low in the best of circumstances, this automatically reduces our chances of success by at least half.  Basically when we are conceived, we get half of our genes from our Mother and half from our Father. A certain amount of the genes from each side are 'fertility' genes and decide things like quality of the eggs and how your follicles will develop. I have found out today that my fertility genes from both sides are inadequate. They are low on both my X and Y chromosomes. This is not good news. This is an inherited condition and is very rare. I am only the second person that Dr. Walsh has come across that has this condition. The chances of both parents having deficiencies in those specific genes are very very low, but that is what has happened.

I was also informed that I have some immune abnormalities and I have an elevated level of Natural Killer cells. This means that my body is attacking the embryos when they are put into my womb, killing them.

What this means for us..... Well basically... Patrick's sperm has 100% anti-sperm antibodies which basically eats away at the sperm, my eggs are crap and my womb is pretty much an inhospitable environment and will attack anything that enters.

So... where do we go from here...??? Well, digesting all of this and finding some way to get over the shock of yet another devastating blow will be a good start. Then Dr. Walsh wants me to have my testosterone levels and liver function tested. I then need to have surgery to address some ongoing issues in my lower left abdomen. Dr. Walsh then suggests we do what he calls a 'closure cycle'... basically a cycle of IMSI, using EEVA while suppressing my immune system with steroids and Intra-lipids to keep my Natural Killer cells at bay and stop them from attacking the embryos. If this cycle fails and I miscarry, then the only option for further treatment will be donor eggs/donor sperm.

I swear, this has to be a bloody joke...!!!

I could feel myself getting overwhelmed as Dr. Walsh was speaking to me on the phone, I could feel myself starting to tear up and my mind was drifting a bit. I had to remind myself to pull it together and focus on what he was saying to me. Then I had to tell Patrick. 

I then found myself doing something that I guess would be quite unusual to do after hearing such devastating news... I swallowed what I was feeling and I walked out of my office. I didn't tell anyone at work... I simply carried on. I went into every classroom and chatted with all of the children... like I always do. I sat at the desk in reception and greeted every child and parent as they passed... like I always do. I just carried on. I guess I didn't do too good a job at hiding it completely, as one of the senior staff members noticed something and asked if I was ok, I simply told her that I was.

I don't really know what to do now... it all feels so dismal and yet I don't fully believe it. I feel like we're 
re-enacting the episode of FRIENDS where Monica and Chandler find out much the same thing. I'm feeling pretty lost right now.

Well F**k Everything Else, That's All That Matters

Isn't life strange? Sometimes we focus on things that we think are really really important, but it turns out that they are not at all important in the general scheme of things, and then we realise that we have missed out on lots of things because we were focusing on that one pseudo-important thing.... and then sometimes you end up regretting it so badly because you lose someone close to you and suddenly you realise that all that time you wasted concentrating on that non-important thing robbed you of spending time with that important person, and now you can never change that because they are no longer here.

I've had this experience recently. On Tuesday, the 3rd of September we got word that my Uncle Ritchie had died suddenly, my Mum's oldest brother. Among the shock, sadness and grief was this huge sense of regret. I was very close to my Uncle Ritchie, he always called me his 'little girl', which I always found rather funny coz he has three daughters of his own... but every time he would ring my Mum he would ask about his little girl and want to know when I was coming to visit him again. And therein lies the source of my regret.

Before I started IVF, we would visit quite regularly and Uncle Ritchie would always make a huge fuss of me. He always gave me these big hugs, which pretty much involved him hugging me and squeezing me and never wanting to let go. He always told me how beautiful I was and much to my embarrassment, he would say to anyone who came to the house while I was visiting 'This is my niece, isn't she beautiful?'

The thing is though.... while I was going through IVF and with everything that went wrong and all the surgeries and hormones and steroids..... I put on weight, I put on a lot of weight... and I didn't feel beautiful anymore.... and when Uncle Ritchie would ring and ask my Mum 'when is your beautiful daughter coming to see me?' or 'when is my little girl coming to visit?'..... All I could think of was 'beautiful.... little.... yeah right...!!!!' As far as I was concerned I was no longer beautiful or little and I was embarrassed about that and I hated it, and I couldn't let my Uncle Ritchie see me like that. So I ran from it, I made excuses, My self confidence was so low I just couldn't bring myself to face it. I kept telling myself that as soon as I lose some weight... I will go and visit. I did lose some weight but I never felt 'beautiful'. We spoke regularly on the phone and I had registered to do the Riverdance World Record Attempt in Dublin at the end of July this year, so we stayed with my Mum's sister in Kildare and went to visit Uncle Ritchie. Well gosh, I felt like a proper idiot...!!! As soon as he saw he.... he hugged me and squeezed me and was never going to let go, it didn't matter to him in the slightest..... to him I would always be his little girl and I would always be beautiful. 
I spent a lot of time with Uncle Ritchie that weekend, we talked a lot and I realised that no matter what age I was or what size I was... our special bond would never change. I was special to him and he was special to me and that is all that would ever matter. I left there that day with a different, more confident view of myself.

So... to hear 5 weeks later that he had died... all I could do was regret the time that I had wasted, the times I didn't visit, all of the 'big hugs' that I missed out on....

We went straight to my Uncle Ritche's house after our appointment at Sims on the Thursday, It was strange seeing him laid out, but he looked so peaceful, so beautiful. I met his oldest daughter and she simply said 'No big hugs for you today Anne' (she always calls me Anne... much to my Mother's annoyance) and that was it..... no big hugs that day or ever again.

It's hard to accept and I know that it is a regret that I have to live with, but if nothing else..... It has taught me a very valuable lesson. So often in life, we let things become important... things that really don't even matter. Little things that become all consuming take the place of the things that are really important. I am losing the IVF weight and I will feel beautiful again.... but I will never hug my Uncle Ritchie again... Clarity is obvious when there is no option, unfortunately realisations sometimes come too late and all we can do is learn from the experience and try to have a more perceptive view of 'importance' in the future.

Uncle Ritchie, you taught me a lot of things (not least some words beginning with 'F' in my earlier years :-) ), but the most important thing that you taught me... you managed to do it without even knowing...!!!

You finished every conversation with 'Do you still love me?'... My response was always 'Of course I do'.

You would then say 'Well f**k everything else, that's all that matters' .....

And... Indeed it is.....

.xx.

A Genius And A Gentleman

We had an appointment with Dr. Walsh at Sims Clinic on Thursday, the 5th of September. I haven't gotten around to writing about it yet because my uncle died suddenly and was buried the day after the appointment at Sims, so... with all that entailed, I guess I didn't really get a chance to process what had taken place during that appointment.... I suppose I'm hoping that by writing about it, it will help me in some way to process it.

So... we arrived at the Clinic, had to fill out some forms and were shown to a private waiting room. We didn't have long to wait... for the first time ever... a consultant was early for an appointment...!!! Anyway... even though I was feeling very calm and comfortable about the appointment, I wasn't feeling anxious or anything.... I just could not sit still for the few minutes that we were waiting. I was walking around the room, looking out the window, checking my phone... I guess I was subconsciously anxious or something.

After a few minutes, Dr. Walsh (he is the owner of the Sims Clinic) came and introduced himself... Yep... the consultant himself came to see us in the waiting room and he brought us to his office. This alone was unheard of in our experience elsewhere. What appears to be the 'norm' is to be left waiting in a large waiting room with between five and ten other couples and have your names called out by a nurse, who then brings you to see the consultant in his big important office. This was different, very different.

Our appointment with Dr. Walsh lasted almost 2 hours (yep... I did say 2 hours...!!!). The only way I can describe Dr. David Walsh is that he is a 'Genius and a Gentleman'  Nothing was rushed, nor at any point did we feel like we were an imposition or were delaying him. He went through our entire history with a fine tooth comb, explained every minute detail to us, he drew labelled diagrams for us (he has this amazing ability to write things upside down so they appear the right way for us to see as we are sitting across the desk from him. Ok... I know this says nothing about his ability to help us conceive, but it means a lot that he learned how to do this to accommodate and make things easier for the patients, the people sitting across the desk from him, the people depending on him to provide one last shred of hope that maybe, just maybe it will work this time.... It was about us, not about making things easier for him.) 

He told us about all of our options, he explained about all of the testing that we could do. He told us about the process of IMSI (Intracytoplasmic morphologically selected sperm injection) which is basically a form of ICSI, the difference being that during ICSI, the sperm is magnified 400 times, during an IMSI cycle, it is magnified more than 6000 times so it gives a much better chance of picking the best sperm, the ones that will most likely result in fertilisation and hopefully, pregnancy. You can read more info about it here.
He also introduced us to EEVA (Early Embryo Viability Assessment) which is basically a system where the embryos are not disturbed in the first few days of life, they remain in the incubator and instead of being taken out every few hours to be assessed under a microscope - they are photographed every 15 minutes to give a time-lapse account of exactly how they are developing, which in turn gives a better idea of which embryos have a better chance of resulting in pregnancy and hopefully, a healthy baby. Dr. Walsh talks about EEVA here.

So... where do we go from here...??? Well, Dr. Walsh is of the opinion that a hydrosalpinx is a threat to a healthy pregnancy even after it has been cleaned and drained, so he is anxious for me to have my left tube removed before we go ahead with any further treatment. He would also like to have the inside of my womb inspected to see if there is any damage there or anything else due to the infection that had been leaking into my womb for so long, that may be preventing me from sustaining pregnancy. So... yeah... It looks like either way.... I need to have more surgery before we can even consider going ahead with any further IVF Treatment. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this. I know how badly having surgery knocks  me back and how long it takes me to recover emotionally and mentally from surgery. I'm also not certain how I feel about having my left tube removed... I know it makes sense if it is not working or will be a hindrance to a pregnancy, but gosh.... removing it is so..... final.

We had some blood tests done after the appointment with Dr. Walsh. We are still waiting for  some of the results to come back, but one set of results, the Elastogram - have come back abnormally high, which indicates a high risk of problems with clotting. Yet another blow. It basically means that any future pregnancy, or indeed any surgical procedure - will need to be supported by thromboprophylaxis drugs. I guess... in my head... that is something that is fairly minor, but good to know. When you are going through any kind of an IVF cycle... its just one set of drugs after the next, it can almost become zombie-like. You take what you have to take - so a few more drugs and daily injections and heck, even throwing in a few Intralipid Infusions doesn't really make that much difference. You kind of accept that you are going to feel like crap for about 14 weeks (maybe longer) and just get on with it.

You know what - I've just written that last paragraph and have just stopped to notice the difference in my thinking and how it has changed. When I started the first cycle back in 2010, every injection was a big deal, every tablet that I took was of great significance... It was all so important. Even at the last clinic when they mentioned Intralipid Infusions and high dose steroids and blood thinners... I said 'No way', I was sick of drugs and hormones and steroids and just constant treatment and surgeries, I was fighting everything- I'd had enough. This makes me think that taking such a long break from it all was a really fantastic idea. I guess it has allowed me to stand back and look at the bigger picture. Does it really matter whether I have to inject myself 4 times a day or 10 times a day..... Does it really matter if I have to sit still for a few hours twice a week to have infusions.......... Does it really matter if I have to take 20 drugs a day instead of 10.......... Do any of these things really matter...??? My response right now is 'No', because all of those things are just temporary.... I can go through absolute hell for 3 or 4 months if it means that eventually... I will get to hold my baby. Of course I can.... I've gone through absolute hell for three years and all for nothing..... 4 months should be a dawdle, and even more so with my new-found confidence in a Fertility Clinic. 

All of this is just information right now anyway, I am not planning on going ahead with any of it until next year sometime. Patrick and I were married five years in August so we are going away for a week in October, and also, I am turning 30 in December so am planning the mother of all parties for that :-) I am planning on enjoying the rest of this year as much as I can and being fresh and ready to look at all of this again next year sometime. 

We meet with Dr. Walsh again early in October and hopefully we will have all of the test results back by then............. Now... back to Party Planning :-)

I Am Okay

You really could have cut the tension with a knife on the way up to Dublin this morning, we were both so anxious... we couldn't even speak to each other. Neither of us really wanted to go, and I guess I felt like I was looking for any excuse to turn the car around and go back home.

We arrived at the Clinic with about 30 minutes to spare, it was very easy to find and it appeared that we were the first couple to have arrived. We sat in the car and waited for a bit. Patrick asked if maybe I wanted to take a walk up the street for a bit before we go into the Clinic, but I didn't want to. I scanned every inch of the outside of the building and the grounds... looking for something to put me off, I almost wanted something to be wrong with the place... I wanted an excuse to not go through with it.  The outside of the building didn't give me any excuses though... there is ample parking and the grounds are beautiful and very well kept.

Eventually a few cars started to arrive and a few couples went into the Clinic. I still wasn't ready though.... but I told myself that it is bound to have that 'Clinic-smell' and that will turn me right off as soon as I walk in the door............ but it didn't, it had a very welcoming smell and didn't actually arouse any negative thoughts or memories from within me. We checked in at reception, the receptionist was very friendly and very professional. She gave us an information pack and directed us to the room where the presentations would be held. We went to the room and took a seat near the front. Patrick was looking through the information that we had been given, but I didn't really pay much notice to it.

The presentations were to start at 9:45, but as the clock ticked past 9:45 and on towards 10am, I started to think 'well, if they can't even start the presentations on time...', that was almost a good enough excuse for me to get up and leave... and if that wasn't enough.... one of the ladies who was to give a presentation later in the morning... well, she was wearing brown shoes with a black suit... seriously... what could they possibly know about IVF and reproduction if she can't even wear the right shoes with her outfit...!!! (yep, I really was scraping the barrel for excuses for this Clinic to not meet my requirements at all, I wanted them to fail in my expectations....) On some level, I think I wanted it to be yet another disappointing experience at yet another Fertility Clinic.

As soon as the first Dr. started his presentation.... I was intrigued, I was hanging on his every word. It was so informative. I imagine that most of the couples who were there were just starting out on their fertility journeys, and even though we have been through this so many times.... the process was never actually explained to us in so much detail before. 
About half way through the first presentation, the Dr. was going through the possible risks of undertaking a cycle of IVF or ICSI. He had gotten about halfway through the list and I just started laughing. He was listing off: Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome, Infection, Abdominal Fluid, Damage to organs, Egg Retrieval complications, Miscarriage, Ectopic pregnancy, Hydrosalpinx...etc.... and in my head I was going 'Check...Check... Check... Check... Check... Check...' I looked over at Patrick and he was smirking too, He was thinking the exact same thing. We had a break for some tea shortly after this and we spent most of this time just laughing.... not that it was funny, but I think there was some realisation for both of us.. that yes... we have been though all of that... anything that could have gone wrong... did go wrong... and here we are... we survived and we can look back on it now... and we can laugh.

The rest of the morning was just as informative and this was followed by a tour of the Clinic, it is an amazing set up and they seem very in-tune with the emotional needs of the people attending for treatment. We spent about 20 minutes then talking to one of the Embryologists, a very friendly chap who answered all of the questions that we had and was extremely reassuring.

We left that Clinic this afternoon and we were walking on clouds. We both felt this amazing sense of relief, like a huge weight had been lifted off of our shoulders. This had been so different to any of our previous experiences at Fertility Clinics, and for the first time in a long, long time... we were happy and the decision was made right there and then for us... that when we do decide to go back to treatment... we won't be going anywhere except this Clinic. We will go back in about 3 weeks for a consultation and to see what our options are going forward, but we really won't be looking at going ahead with anything in terms of treatment until well into next year sometime. 

I have this amazing feeling of just being happy, I am okay, everything is okay. I feel like I am in control and I finally feel like I have found a Clinic that will work with me and my needs, instead of expecting me to follow their 'protocol'. I feel comfortable with the idea of going back to treatment if it is to be at this Clinic with the Doctors that I met this morning. For the first time in as long as I can remember.... I actually feel like I am okay and I feel confident that I can do this and whether it works or not.... I know that I can be okay and I can get through whatever the process throws at me.

Short of actually losing my life as a result of IVF treatment, I can check the 'Been there, done that' box for every single risk involved in the process.... I have been there and I have done it, but more importantly..... I got through it  and I came out the other side stronger because of it. Maybe I have a clouded version of what the last few years has been like, but looking forward... I feel like I could almost breeze through the next cycle... I am feeling very very confident after today's visit... I can do this and I will do this.

First though, I am currently working on getting myself and my body into the healthiest condition possible, so that we really will be giving the next cycle every possible chance of being successful. 

I do have to say a little 'Thank You' to Gordon though.... because... against what I thought was my 'better judgement', I agreed to register for the SIMS Clinic Open Day on his recommendation. I guess he felt that it would really help me to look forward and focus on what I truly want and to start to be able to put a plan together going forward, by seeing how things are done at this Clinic. I really didn't think that I was ready to set foot inside a Fertility Clinic again just yet or anytime in the near future, but it turns out that it was just what I needed and even though I was terribly anxious before going today.... I no longer feel any anxiety or sense of turmoil at all, I feel calm and secure and confident. I guess there was a method to what I thought was his madness :-) 

Secure Endless Turmoil...

I brought my friend's seven-year-old daughter shopping with me today and we really had a lovely time. After we'd finished shopping, we went to a restaurant to have some lunch. When we had finished eating and I was paying for our meal, the man who was serving us picked up two lollipops. He handed one to my friend's daughter and said 'one for you', he then handed the other lollipop to me and said 'and one for your Mom'.
We just kind of giggled, thanked him and left. 
I really struggled to push what I was really feeling to the back of my mind, so as not to draw any attention to it, but little comments like that can really send your thoughts and emotions into absolute turmoil. You begin to think that you really should be taking your own children off shopping and taking them out for lunch, you should be sharing these giggles with your own son or daughter.... but mostly..... it reminds you very clearly of what exactly you have lost, it makes you oh so aware of what is missing in your life, it makes you wonder if you will ever have the opportunity to take your own children shopping and share these experiences with your own children... it makes you question if you will ever have your own children.....

We are going to Dublin tomorrow.... we are going to an Open Day at the SIMS IVF Clinic. I'm not entirely sure why we are going to it, I know that I am nowhere near ready to even think about going back to IVF or having any further treatment in the near future, but we registered for it and now it is the night before...

I am anxious!!! I am worried that as soon as I set foot inside the Clinic... that 'Clinic-Smell' will send the nightmare that has been the last 3 years, flooding back to me. I am worried that I will be an emotional wreck and won't be able to talk to the Doctors and ask the questions that I want to ask. I am worried that it will be yet another 'Clinical' appointment with some stone-faced consultant who wouldn't recognise empathy if it jumped up and bit him. I am worried that I will be so uncomfortable there that I will just completely emotionally detach from the whole thing. I am worried...

Maybe I am worrying about nothing, it might all be perfectly fine and may be a very productive day as it might help me to decide on a path to take from this point forward. 

I guess I am kinda in a 'Limbo' of sorts with the whole baby-making thing right now. Life is almost okay right now. It has been quite nice not going through treatment, not having to inject myself, no steroids, no looming operations or procedures, no counting cycle days, no tests..... no progress. 
I think I have become almost comfortable and secure in this 'Limbo' that I have created for myself, but at some point.... the realisation must strike that while I am in this 'Limbo'... I am not moving forward and therefore not moving towards the ultimate goal of having my own children. 
It is almost ironic, I have become quite comfortable with what I can describe as an 'endlessness', I am not looking towards an end to this 'Limbo', this 'Limbo' is a very secure place for me.... but on the other hand... this 'endlessness' is what I fear most. To remain stagnant in this place, is to remain childless... remaining childless is not and never has been an acceptable outcome for me, but to consciously remove myself from this comfortable place means accepting the turmoil that comes with that. I have to accept the process, the risks and the ultimate knowledge that nothing is guaranteed. 

I am in a very indecisive place surrounding all of this right now, I have always been a risk taker, I've always done whatever it takes to make things happen. The problem is though... I've been through this and I've experienced the worst outcomes again and again and I know what that did to me...... I don't know for certain that I can go through all that again.... 

Maybe there will be somebody waving a magic wand tomorrow...... maybe, just maybe...

This Makes Me MAD...!!!

I recently wrote a piece as a guest 'author' for Aculife. You can read this piece here . It is about how empathy and emotional awareness are pretty-much non existent in a lot of fertility clinics, and the importance of creating your own emotional outlet while going through this process. 

Over the past number of years, I have joined a few support groups, mostly online... for people who are on a similar journey to ours. A lot of the people who post on there mostly write about their losses and when their babies would have been due and how long they have been trying... etc, but recently... the majority of the posts are about their experiences at fertility clinics and how they feel like they are being 'told off' for getting emotional.

I defy any person in this world to go through just one miscarriage... get your positive pregnancy test.... see your baby on the screen... hear your baby's heartbeat..... feel that enormous sense of unconditional love... make those promises to your unborn child that you will do anything to protect them and never let anyone hurt them.... think about names for your baby...... then one day, wake up and you are bleeding and you know what that means... you go to the hospital, but you already know... you can feel it... you know that you will never get the chance to show your baby just how much you love them... you will never get to protect them... you will never even get to meet them. Your baby is dying inside of you and there is nothing you can do about it, but wait, all you can do is wait... wait for your baby to die so that your body can expel the 'contents' of your womb. (Don't you hate clinical terminology that makes your baby sound like the fecal residue of last night's Chinese takeaway...!!!) Then it happens... you lose your baby, a little part of you dies right there and then, you lose part of your soul and you know that things will never be ok again. 

Then honestly say that you have no emotional 'baggage' because of it...??? Liar!

It is 'ok' though... if you listen to the fertility 'professionals'.... you've just had a 'spontaneous abortion', sure that's no big deal... right? I hate terminology that makes your journey sound like a list of specifications for an out of date computer. Under 'Children' on my medical files... it reads '0 + 10'. ... Its 'ok' though... only five of those were 'spontaneous abortions', three others were ectopic and of course the two that I had to 'abort' with chemotherapy. It's simple isn't it, its easy to read those words off the screen. They are just words. 

I guess it would be so much easier to look at it in terms of 'specifications', that removes all emotional connection... if there are no emotional connections... well then, you can't get hurt.... you just keep updating the software and eventually you might be lucky enough that someone will have updated the 'This is your month' app with the correct bug fixes that means that this truly is your month. 

Unfotunately... this is what fertility medicine has become. 

What I described above is just one miscarriage... most couples attending fertility clinics have been through a lot more than one miscarriage, but I assure you.... One is more than enough to change your world forever and give you the right to cry whenever you need to or do what ever you need to do to make yourself be able to get through each day. Nobody would tell a parent who has lost a toddler that crying or being emotional about it is not 'normal'......... Who the hell is anyone, especially a medical professional to tell a person who has lost their unborn child that they shouldn't be having such emotional reactions...???

I know I mentioned before that at one appointment... After I got teary-eyed... I was told I was suffering from PMS and was given a prescription for Anti-depressants to help with 'all this weepiness'. Apparently this is quite common. We are made to feel like even less versions of human beings than we already feel we are. Like there really is something wrong with us. 

Take a piece of paper.... tear it once.... you can stick it back together, but it will never really be the same......... tear it twice, three times........... tear it ten times. You can keep sticking the pieces back together, but now it nowhere near resembles the piece of paper that you started with. 
That piece of paper is the heart of every woman who has lost a child, you can never be the same person after going through something like that, and nobody has the right to tell you how to feel or how to react or what is 'normal'. 

Amazing Ability To Forget

I had a lovely appointment with Gordon today, it was very relaxed and we spent quite a bit of time just chatting about where I'm hoping to go from this point on this journey. He asked me how my cycles have been and I told him that they are all over the place and I'm pretty sure I've not been ovulating. I told him that I couldn't understand why my cycles are so messed up for the past few months because they have always been so regular.

Gordon's response: "Anne-Marie, you have this amazing ability to forget".
I had to ask him what he was talking about.... which prompted him to remind me of the major surgery I had been through just 4 months ago... I guess I must have blocked it out to some degree, but I would have to agree with Gordon about the amazing ability that I have to forget past pain or perhaps block it out.
Its quite strange for me when I read back through this blog and read about all the things I have been through on this journey... every procedure, every cycle, everything that went right... and then ultimately... went wrong. Sometimes it feels to me like I am reading somebody else's story, I feel almost parallel to it, like I'm watching it happening to myself as if it were happening to someone else.

Gordon placed needles in my right arm and wrist today and then left me for a bit. When he returned, he placed needles in my forehead and temples and once again left me alone for a short time. While I was laying on the bed with needles in my face and arms, I heard a lady come in to the waiting room. It was clearly this lady's first appointment with Gordon because I overheard her tell Gordon that she had finally found the place. She sounded very bubbly, very confident...... it made me think about my first appointment with Gordon... and I believe 'I finally found the place' were my first words to him too. I remember having trouble finding the clinic, but once I did... I didn't go in straight away. I sat in the car trying to psyche myself up for yet another appointment at yet another clinic. I remember trying to summon up the strength to feign confidence and bubbliness and somehow give the impression that I was ok and I was in control. I had been through so much even up to that point, I was really struggling with it.... but I wasn't going to let him see that.... at that point, he was nothing to me but yet another appointment at yet another clinic. I thought today about the sadness that I tried so hard to hide at that first appointment, the grief that I didn't want him to see and how I had entered Gordon's clinic back in 2011 in pretty much the exact same way that this lady entered his clinic today. It made me wonder if perhaps she had sat in her car for a few minutes trying to 'pull herself together', if maybe she was feigning confidence and bubbliness too, did she stop outside the door and take a deep breath before entering, as I had done, did she have the same feelings of entering into yet another world of uncertainty that I had  over 2 years ago.

When Gordon returned to the room I was in, I mentioned to him that I could sense the vibes of sadness from the lady in the waiting room.... (I guess I don't know if I could actually sense them, or perhaps I was just recalling them from my own experiences). Ever the professional... he responded by telling me that there are a few ladies out there :-)

My appointment finished shortly after that and I left the clinic... completely oblivious to the fact that I had brought my mother to Cork with me and dropped her off at the shopping centre on my way to Gordon's clinic...... I was back on the motorway before I even remembered that I had abandoned her in Cork! I returned to the shopping centre and picked her up and then we were on the way home again. The whole way home, I couldn't stop thinking about that lady who had come into the waiting room. I have no idea who she was or what she even looked like, all I knew was that I felt such a strong connection to her. I felt like I was two years down a road that she was just embarking on. I could be completely wrong about all of this and I guess... in all honesty... I will never truly know because it is unlikely that our paths will ever cross again (not that they really even crossed this time), its just interesting how something so simple can raise so many memories and so many questions.

I bet no matter how she was feeling when she entered that clinic.... she was feeling a million times better by the time she left........

Opportunities........

I've been writing this blog for nearly three years now, and during that time I have been contacted by more people than I could ever have imagined, people who are going through IVF or fertility issues, people who are just starting on their journey, people who were IVF babies themselves, people who are supporting friends going through IVF. I've been contacted by public figures, fertility clinics all over the world, alternative medicine practitioners, and of course... the people who think that I shouldn't be putting this kind of stuff on the internet.

Something happened today that initially made my eyes light up and made me remember why I started writing this blog in the first place..... in the hope of making IVF and baby loss less 'taboo' subjects. It was my dream to reach a point where people weren't afraid to talk about what they are going through or how they are feeling, and I felt like I was on the way to making this happen on some level.

This morning I was contacted by RTE (the main television broadcasting agency here in Ireland), they asked me if I would be interested in featuring in a 6-month series that they are making to be aired next year. They had seen my blog and were interested in my story, but more so they were interested in my willingness and openness to talk about what I have been through.
My initial reaction was one of elation, that I would now have a decent platform to help people become more knowledgeable about IVF and baby loss and all things fertility related. It was such an honour to be asked... I couldn't believe that my little blog... that I had started writing mostly as an outlet for myself had gotten me to the point where I was being asked to feature in a TV series. I spoke in detail with the producer on the phone, and it really was seeming quite appealing to me.

I'm not sure what will happen or whether it even makes sense to go further with it. It would be a fantastic platform to tell our story, but  my journey is my journey, and while it has been a nightmare to date, I owe it to my angel babies and my husband and myself, to ensure that our story is only portrayed and told in the way that we want it to be.... the real way.

So...... I don't know if I'm going to be  TV star anytime soon. It is an absolute honour to be asked, and I'm still in disbelief that RTE have read my blog. I've quite quickly been reminded that I have a pretty good platform right here, my story has reached and touched tens of thousands of people, I can't really ask for more than that...... and anyway.... Lulu is afraid that the camera would make her look fat...!!! :-)


Now I want to talk about my acupuncturist and good friend, Gordon, who has recently become affiliated with the SIMS IVF clinic in Dublin and more recently in Cork. SIMS is the leading reproductive medicine clinic in Ireland and with Gordon working on their mind and body programme, it really can only get better. Well Done Gordon, that's really fantastic.
What I really love about this is that he is working on a programme that would be used during the dreaded two-week-wait.... the most horrible part of any IVF cycle, or in fact any cycle where there are fertility issues. That two week period between ovulation/transfer and your testing date... that is the time when you are most likely to get stressed out and be on the verge of going out of your mind... yep... that's why we start testing at day 4...!!! It is a stroke of pure genius to put together a programme to keep the mind and body (but mostly the mind) healthy during this time, and I know that anybody who is on a similar journey to mine will agree 100% with this. My only gripe with this is that it wasn't developed three years ago when I was starting my IVF journey...!!!

I also recently became aware that Gordon had linked my blog-page to his website, I really was honoured to discover this... it is a wonderful feeling when someone that you have so much respect for is willing to link your work to theirs.

The last thing that I wanted to mention about Gordon, is a slight tweak to his website Aculife. Gordon has added an instant chat feature to the site. When you enter the site you will see an orange box to the bottom right of the screen, this will either say Contact Us or Chatting Now. When it says Contact Us,  you can leave a message and contact details and Gordon will get back to you as soon as he can, but.... when it says Chatting Now, you can chat to Gordon in real time and get the answers to your important questions and queries right there and then. I absolutely love this feature. Anyone who is on this journey will confirm that you don't get any answers straight away, every question that you ask is followed by a long drawn out process and most of the time, you never get the answers that you were looking for. I think this is a fantastic opportunity for anybody who is considering acupuncture or is perhaps just starting out on their journey to parenthood, whichever path they take. I know how daunting it is to take that first step... in all honesty... Gordon's number was written on a post-it, stuck to the side of my desk for about 6 months before I summoned up the courage to make that first call... and now I can honestly say that making that call was one of the best things I have ever done in my life.... (Gordon may not agree though... I'm sure after seeing me for over two years, he must be looking into restraining orders or something at this stage...!!!)

One more thing I wanted to write about.... One of my closest friends had a beautiful baby girl last week. She is the most perfect little thing, ten perfect fingers, ten perfect toes, everything about her is perfect. I wanted so badly to go and see her but I was afraid that it would be really difficult for me... as it has been with new babies in the past. I got a text from my friend on Wednesday to say that she was at home and visitor-free if I would like to come and visit. My reaction surprised me...
I was excited... I was anxious about seeing the new baby, but I was so happy to be going to visit my friend. I hadn't really seen her that much towards the end of her pregnancy, it wasn't intentional, just how things worked out, and I was so looking forward to getting together with her.

I can tell you... my anxiousness completely melted as soon as I arrived at her house and this perfect little girl was placed in my arms. I didn't feel that usual sense of 'when will it be me?' that I usually feel. I was pure mesmerised by her absolute beauty, her perfectness. And when this beautiful little girl, just nine days old wrapped her fingers around my finger and wouldn't let go... that was probably the most amazing moment of my life. It amazed me that this tiny little being, less than 7 pounds in weight could fill me with such a wonderful sense of just being ok, because what can possibly be wrong when something so tiny and innocent can sleep happily in your arms, the picture of contentment, not a care in the world. I could have quite happily stayed there just holding her and looking at her all day.

Maybe some day it will be my turn, maybe it wont... but I can certainly appreciate the special moments in life, and this was by far one of the most special.