'2013, you've been crap, can't wait to see the back of you. Bring on 2014'
It's funny because I guess I feel like 2013 wasn't too crap for me. Don't get me wrong - some very crappy things happened. I had surgery in February, which was awful and the recovery was extensive, but it finally gave us answers about why I had been in so much pain. My mother's sister died in February and her brother died in September, they were both awful times, but it brought me closer to my Mother's family, I really got to know some of my cousins that I didn't really know when we were growing up because we lived so far away from each other.
September also brought a change of Clinic, I finally listened to Gordon and went to Sims, this in turn, gave us the most heartbreaking news that we ever could have imagined, it knocked us back like we never could have imagined, it absolutely floored us, but it gave us answers, it removed all of our options except one, it gave us a definitive path that we have to take, a path of great uncertainty, but it saved us from years and years of treatment and inevitable heartbreak. We have a long way to go... but at least we know which way to go.
December brought my biggest operation to date, which involved me losing my left tube and the recovery is something I never imagined could be as difficult as it is, but with all of the 'badness' removed, once the recovery is complete, it should give me a whole new lease of life.
Ok... so some pretty crappy stuff happened in 2013, but gosh, I'm astounded at my ability to find the positives in those horrible situations.
I learned a lot in 2013, maybe I'm actually starting to 'grow up' :-). I learned who my real friends are, I learned who the ones I can depend on are, I learned who I can call on when I need something and who will be there when things aren't so good. I also learned of the people who are only my so-called-friends because it benefits them in some way, this was a huge awakening for me, it really opened my eyes and my eyes shall remain firmly locked open to this. 2013 was the year that I removed some people from my life, some of the people who really weren't good for me, people who caused me unnecessary stress and lived for pointless 'drama', but it has also allowed me to really focus on the people who I know are positive influences in my life and I so appreciate them and the fact that they also view me as a positive influence in their's.
I also learned a lot about myself. I learned that sometimes I get so hung up on things that seem hugely important at the time but are in fact pretty minuscule in the great scheme of things, that I end up missing some things that really are important and sometimes I fail to see the bigger picture because I'm so focused on the small things. I also learned a lot about other people, I learned that the people who are mean or nasty or judgmental are that way because of some failing within themselves, not because there is something wrong with me. I've learned that sometimes people say things that they don't really mean when they are angry or upset and that I should try not to take those things personally, no matter how hurtful it may have been.
I also learned just how lucky I am, I've learned to focus positively on what I do have, instead of negatively on what I don't. Yes - bad things happen, they happen a lot, but good things also happen and I guess when horrible things happen to other people or we hear about bad things happening on the news, I can be thankful those things are not happening to us, and while we don't have and may never have what we truly want, we do have a lot and most importantly - we have each other.
Patrick might disagree with my next point, but I think 2013 was the year that we both finally realised that it's just the two of us, and we have to start living for just the two of us because that might be all there ever is. There is a huge possibility that we may never be able to have children, and you know... while that is an absolutely heartbreaking notion... if that is to be then so be it.
Who knows what 2014 will hold, will it be the year that I finally manage to stay pregnant, or will it be the year that we find out that it is not even a possibility?. Whatever happens I do know that no matter how difficult it is to cope with or how bad it seems at the time, I know that we will somehow find the strength to get through it.
I know I've had some issues with 'hope' this year, and at several times I felt that I had been abandoned by hope and that I had abandoned all hope. I began to hate hope because I felt that it just gave me false expectations of what is going to happen and things never went the way I wanted them to and I guess it was easier to blame hope than to accept what was really going on. Probably the most important thing that I have learned this year is that if you don't have hope, you don't have anything, you may as well just give up. A very special friend of mine chose a very special and thoughtful gift for me to make sure that I always remember this and I'd like to share it with all of you.
Here it is...
So, that pretty much sums up 2013 for me, I'm going into 2014 with a very open mind. I have no real expectations. but I do have hope and I do have faith and belief that no matter what happens, we will get through it. Life will be what we make it.
It feels kinda weird to finish this post and not mention Gordon, who has done so much for us in the past 12 months. I can't imagine what this journey would have become if we didn't have his guidance and support but I do know that I would have struggled to find the strength and endurance to overcome all of the hurdles that we have overcome if Gordon hadn't been an integral part of our journey... and we both know that if someday we do manage to hold our own baby in our arms - it will be solely and completely because of Gordon Mullins and Aculife Clinic.
Tomorrow is the first day of 2014, the first day of a brand new year, a brand new blank 365 page-a-day diary...
Make it a good read.xx.
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