So yeah... I'm having surgery in just over 6 hours. It is advisable to get a good night's sleep before any kind of operation or procedure..... so why can't I sleep...??? Oh Yeah.... COZ I'M HAVING SURGERY IN JUST OVER 6 HOURS...!!!
I'm not sure what is bothering me more... the being sliced open OR the fact that they have to use a large metal speculum as part of the hysteroscopy procedure, Ok I know I'm going to be asleep for all of this and won't know a thing about it, but they're gona be sticking something that closely resembles a car jack up my you-know-what... (we all know how well I do with the medium sized speculums they use for transfers)... while slicing me open to complete that and the many other procedures that they have to do.
One of my least favourite parts of any surgical procedure is the clean-room right outside the operating theatre, for one thing, it has a very distinct smell, a memory-provoking smell which I absolutely hate, but apart from that, its the loneliness, I will be alone at this point. I will have to leave Patrick at the end of the corridor and I will be alone... being alone is a lot scarier when you are half blind and can't have your glasses or contact lenses with you, unable to focus on anything, visually or physically, I suppose.
The anaesthetist will come and talk to me, he'll make some jokes to try and put me at ease, I'll imagine that I politely giggle, but in fact I'll probably look at him like he's bloody insane... how the hell could I be at ease...??? Then the surgeon will come and talk to me, make sure he has everything in order and is 100% clear on what he is to do. Meanwhile, I will see many nurses, each of then trying to reassure me, while also trying to assure themselves and the anaesthetist that I am in fact the right patient, with the right date of birth. They will be fascinated with my story, they always are and it is always a fantastic talking point, a way to keep the conversation flowing while they wheel me in to the operating theatre. It always reminds me of how my childhood image of being abducted by aliens looks (I have two older brothers, who spent the first 8 years of my life thinking up creative ways to scare the sh*t out of me...!!!). The huge round lights, the people wearing masks, all of the equipment..... and then there's the table. They will instruct me to transfer myself from the trolley to the operating table. Every time I feel like point blank refusing, but I do it anyway. The instructions will follow to find the outside of the table at each side and centre myself on the table. They will then tell me to lay back and relax (Relax..... are you freakin kidding me...???). I'll lie back a certain amount, but not fully. I need to be semi-sitting up, I need to be able to see (theoretically) what is going on around me, so they will either give me something to put under my head or they will raise up the head of the table for me. They will keep talking to me, keep reassuring me... while the anaesthetist searches my arms for a decent vein to put the cannula into. He'll have trouble with this because I have terrible veins but eventually he will find one. Once the cannula is in, he will put a relaxant through it and suddenly I will feel like this ain't so bad. Then I will keep talking... and talking... and talking... :-) In just a few minutes, he will tell me that I'm going to be going off to sleep now as he injects the white liquid into my arm... it will burn, my veins will feel like they are on fire. I will lock my eyes with the eyes of one of the nurses and I will fight with complete stubbornness, I am, of course, fighting a losing battle because within seconds I will lose control of my eyes...... and then.... I'll wake up. As I'm coming around I will feel them removing the tube from my throat... that's rather unpleasant, but it is very quick... and I will notice myself talking... and talking... and talking, probably spouting some serious mumbo-jumbo because the nurses are usually laughing.......... and then the pain in my abdominal area will hit me, it kinda takes your breath away when it hits and the nurses will work as quickly as they can to give me some morphine to take the edge off of it.
And then I will realise that it is all over, and all of that worrying and freaking out was for nothing. I will spend a while in the recovery room and then eventually they will wheel me back to my bed. The transfer from trolley to bed is always a seemingly impossible feat but somehow I always manage it. All I will want to do is call Patrick and let him know that I am out of theatre. I will be on oxygen for a few days after the surgery as I tend to have respiratory problems after anaesthesia, but once that has stabilised, I will want to come home. Several times I have come home too soon after surgery because I just so badly want to get home. I hate being in hospital, I tend to get very down and I miss Lulu something awful. This time I will follow the Dr's instructions on when it is safe for me to go home, I've never had an operation this big before, so I think its best that I follow the instructions I am given.
And that's pretty much that. I will go home and will rest and try my best to keep positive.
I was seriously freaking out for the past few hours, but somehow - writing this has helped to settle my nerves and anxiousness. It has reminded me that none of this is a surprise to me, I know exactly how it is going to play out, I know exactly how it is going to happen and I will get through it.
It's times like this that I find myself being so thankful that I ever started this blog in the first place. Writing helps me and I know that I can turn to writing when I need to and it will help me. Putting words on the screen like this really does help to clarify what is really going on and to get to the root of the emotions I am really feeling, the ones that are being clouded by nerves and anxiousness.
I'm not sure I'll be any more able to sleep than I was an hour ago, but I think having written this will help me to have an easier time tomorrow morning. I know what is going to happen... I just have to get through it... one step at a time.......
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