I Am Okay

You really could have cut the tension with a knife on the way up to Dublin this morning, we were both so anxious... we couldn't even speak to each other. Neither of us really wanted to go, and I guess I felt like I was looking for any excuse to turn the car around and go back home.

We arrived at the Clinic with about 30 minutes to spare, it was very easy to find and it appeared that we were the first couple to have arrived. We sat in the car and waited for a bit. Patrick asked if maybe I wanted to take a walk up the street for a bit before we go into the Clinic, but I didn't want to. I scanned every inch of the outside of the building and the grounds... looking for something to put me off, I almost wanted something to be wrong with the place... I wanted an excuse to not go through with it.  The outside of the building didn't give me any excuses though... there is ample parking and the grounds are beautiful and very well kept.

Eventually a few cars started to arrive and a few couples went into the Clinic. I still wasn't ready though.... but I told myself that it is bound to have that 'Clinic-smell' and that will turn me right off as soon as I walk in the door............ but it didn't, it had a very welcoming smell and didn't actually arouse any negative thoughts or memories from within me. We checked in at reception, the receptionist was very friendly and very professional. She gave us an information pack and directed us to the room where the presentations would be held. We went to the room and took a seat near the front. Patrick was looking through the information that we had been given, but I didn't really pay much notice to it.

The presentations were to start at 9:45, but as the clock ticked past 9:45 and on towards 10am, I started to think 'well, if they can't even start the presentations on time...', that was almost a good enough excuse for me to get up and leave... and if that wasn't enough.... one of the ladies who was to give a presentation later in the morning... well, she was wearing brown shoes with a black suit... seriously... what could they possibly know about IVF and reproduction if she can't even wear the right shoes with her outfit...!!! (yep, I really was scraping the barrel for excuses for this Clinic to not meet my requirements at all, I wanted them to fail in my expectations....) On some level, I think I wanted it to be yet another disappointing experience at yet another Fertility Clinic.

As soon as the first Dr. started his presentation.... I was intrigued, I was hanging on his every word. It was so informative. I imagine that most of the couples who were there were just starting out on their fertility journeys, and even though we have been through this so many times.... the process was never actually explained to us in so much detail before. 
About half way through the first presentation, the Dr. was going through the possible risks of undertaking a cycle of IVF or ICSI. He had gotten about halfway through the list and I just started laughing. He was listing off: Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome, Infection, Abdominal Fluid, Damage to organs, Egg Retrieval complications, Miscarriage, Ectopic pregnancy, Hydrosalpinx...etc.... and in my head I was going 'Check...Check... Check... Check... Check... Check...' I looked over at Patrick and he was smirking too, He was thinking the exact same thing. We had a break for some tea shortly after this and we spent most of this time just laughing.... not that it was funny, but I think there was some realisation for both of us.. that yes... we have been though all of that... anything that could have gone wrong... did go wrong... and here we are... we survived and we can look back on it now... and we can laugh.

The rest of the morning was just as informative and this was followed by a tour of the Clinic, it is an amazing set up and they seem very in-tune with the emotional needs of the people attending for treatment. We spent about 20 minutes then talking to one of the Embryologists, a very friendly chap who answered all of the questions that we had and was extremely reassuring.

We left that Clinic this afternoon and we were walking on clouds. We both felt this amazing sense of relief, like a huge weight had been lifted off of our shoulders. This had been so different to any of our previous experiences at Fertility Clinics, and for the first time in a long, long time... we were happy and the decision was made right there and then for us... that when we do decide to go back to treatment... we won't be going anywhere except this Clinic. We will go back in about 3 weeks for a consultation and to see what our options are going forward, but we really won't be looking at going ahead with anything in terms of treatment until well into next year sometime. 

I have this amazing feeling of just being happy, I am okay, everything is okay. I feel like I am in control and I finally feel like I have found a Clinic that will work with me and my needs, instead of expecting me to follow their 'protocol'. I feel comfortable with the idea of going back to treatment if it is to be at this Clinic with the Doctors that I met this morning. For the first time in as long as I can remember.... I actually feel like I am okay and I feel confident that I can do this and whether it works or not.... I know that I can be okay and I can get through whatever the process throws at me.

Short of actually losing my life as a result of IVF treatment, I can check the 'Been there, done that' box for every single risk involved in the process.... I have been there and I have done it, but more importantly..... I got through it  and I came out the other side stronger because of it. Maybe I have a clouded version of what the last few years has been like, but looking forward... I feel like I could almost breeze through the next cycle... I am feeling very very confident after today's visit... I can do this and I will do this.

First though, I am currently working on getting myself and my body into the healthiest condition possible, so that we really will be giving the next cycle every possible chance of being successful. 

I do have to say a little 'Thank You' to Gordon though.... because... against what I thought was my 'better judgement', I agreed to register for the SIMS Clinic Open Day on his recommendation. I guess he felt that it would really help me to look forward and focus on what I truly want and to start to be able to put a plan together going forward, by seeing how things are done at this Clinic. I really didn't think that I was ready to set foot inside a Fertility Clinic again just yet or anytime in the near future, but it turns out that it was just what I needed and even though I was terribly anxious before going today.... I no longer feel any anxiety or sense of turmoil at all, I feel calm and secure and confident. I guess there was a method to what I thought was his madness :-)