I brought my friend's seven-year-old daughter shopping with me today and we really had a lovely time. After we'd finished shopping, we went to a restaurant to have some lunch. When we had finished eating and I was paying for our meal, the man who was serving us picked up two lollipops. He handed one to my friend's daughter and said 'one for you', he then handed the other lollipop to me and said 'and one for your Mom'.
We just kind of giggled, thanked him and left.
I really struggled to push what I was really feeling to the back of my mind, so as not to draw any attention to it, but little comments like that can really send your thoughts and emotions into absolute turmoil. You begin to think that you really should be taking your own children off shopping and taking them out for lunch, you should be sharing these giggles with your own son or daughter.... but mostly..... it reminds you very clearly of what exactly you have lost, it makes you oh so aware of what is missing in your life, it makes you wonder if you will ever have the opportunity to take your own children shopping and share these experiences with your own children... it makes you question if you will ever have your own children.....
We are going to Dublin tomorrow.... we are going to an Open Day at the SIMS IVF Clinic. I'm not entirely sure why we are going to it, I know that I am nowhere near ready to even think about going back to IVF or having any further treatment in the near future, but we registered for it and now it is the night before...
I am anxious!!! I am worried that as soon as I set foot inside the Clinic... that 'Clinic-Smell' will send the nightmare that has been the last 3 years, flooding back to me. I am worried that I will be an emotional wreck and won't be able to talk to the Doctors and ask the questions that I want to ask. I am worried that it will be yet another 'Clinical' appointment with some stone-faced consultant who wouldn't recognise empathy if it jumped up and bit him. I am worried that I will be so uncomfortable there that I will just completely emotionally detach from the whole thing. I am worried...
Maybe I am worrying about nothing, it might all be perfectly fine and may be a very productive day as it might help me to decide on a path to take from this point forward.
I guess I am kinda in a 'Limbo' of sorts with the whole baby-making thing right now. Life is almost okay right now. It has been quite nice not going through treatment, not having to inject myself, no steroids, no looming operations or procedures, no counting cycle days, no tests..... no progress.
I think I have become almost comfortable and secure in this 'Limbo' that I have created for myself, but at some point.... the realisation must strike that while I am in this 'Limbo'... I am not moving forward and therefore not moving towards the ultimate goal of having my own children.
It is almost ironic, I have become quite comfortable with what I can describe as an 'endlessness', I am not looking towards an end to this 'Limbo', this 'Limbo' is a very secure place for me.... but on the other hand... this 'endlessness' is what I fear most. To remain stagnant in this place, is to remain childless... remaining childless is not and never has been an acceptable outcome for me, but to consciously remove myself from this comfortable place means accepting the turmoil that comes with that. I have to accept the process, the risks and the ultimate knowledge that nothing is guaranteed.
I am in a very indecisive place surrounding all of this right now, I have always been a risk taker, I've always done whatever it takes to make things happen. The problem is though... I've been through this and I've experienced the worst outcomes again and again and I know what that did to me...... I don't know for certain that I can go through all that again....
Maybe there will be somebody waving a magic wand tomorrow...... maybe, just maybe...
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