Hope Is A Four Letter Word

Hope...Hope... Hope... Its a word I've had thrown at me so many times over the past 4 years... 'No matter what... you have to hang on to some hope'... Hope... Hope... Hope.

Its a word I used to love, a word that I used to cling on to.... It is now a word that I despise... It actually annoys me when someone tells me that there has to be some hope, there has to be some way... there has to be... there just has to be...

Well... it turns out that there might be. Gordon was talking to Dr. Walsh from Sims Clinic and was able to tell me that there is a clinic in the Czech Republic that has specialised in genetic testing of embryos for the past 13 years, so while it is very very new over here, they have been doing it for quite some time. The concern is the rarity of my condition and how little information is known or about it. There is a Dr. in the US who is researching this exact condition at the current time but will be quite a few years before any information is proven or readily available. 

So anyway... even though my reproductive chromosomes are low on both sides, there is a slight possibility that not all of my eggs will be affected. Basically it will involve going to the Czech Republic, stimulating and going through a whole other cycle of ICSI or IMSI, and then having all of the resulting embryos genetically tested to see which, if any of them, are genetically viable. It could turn out that 100% of them are defective and if that is the case... we are in the same position that we are currently in. ..... But maybe... just maybe it might not be 100% and we just need one genetically viable embryo to give this a proper go.

Gordon finished telling me this by saying 'I know it might not be much, but at least it is a tiny bit of hope'. There it is again..... that four letter word. Lol - I think it might be the first time I have used another four-letter-word when talking to Gordon...!!!

He's right though... I don't know if it is hope... but it is one more step that we can take before we have no option but to give up completely... and then we can truly say that we have exhausted all possibilities.

We went to Amsterdam for 5 days last week as it was Mid-term at work... and it really couldn't have come at a better time. As soon as the plane left Cork Airport, I could feel my stress levels reducing... it was amazing - just being away, away from the pain and hurt and grief and the results that we had gotten... just away. Unfortunately it was the opposite when we were coming back knowing what we were returning to.

We did have a good time in Amsterdam, even though there was an awful storm there. It's funny though how the mind can alter according to the situation that you find yourself in. I saw things that I never saw before.... I never saw parents struggling with children before, I never thought about how much trouble it is to take children away on holidays... to the point where my thinking almost became ' gosh, if we had kids... we wouldn't be able to do this'. I've never found myself thinking like that before and I guess it has struck me as quite interesting how my thinking has adapted to my current situation.... sure... its probably a means of protecting myself from how difficult it actually is to imagine us not having kids and unfortunately I am only too aware that sure protection mechanisms are very very temporary and only work for so long.

I did have an interesting experience in the Amsterdam Dungeon. It was scary and dark and creepy and things kept jumping out at us in the dark... my idea of an absolute nightmare. There were about eight rooms... each one more fear inducing than the last and I was proper freaking out. I don't like anything like that... I'm afraid of the dark at the best of times...!!! But anyway... In about the third room, I noticed that I could hear a child crying. At first I thought it was part of the 'show' but then I realised that someone had actually brought a child (can't have been more than 8 yrs old) in to the Dungeon. The majority of the show was in English and this child didn't speak English so not only was it ridiculously scary for him... he couldn't even understand what was being said. Immediately, I felt my own fear disappearing and all of my concern was now for this child who was absolutely petrified and was clinging onto who I can only imagine was his mother. I wasn't scared anymore... I found myself putting every ounce of energy I had into somehow willing for it to not be such a frightening experience for this little child. It just reminded me of the strength of my 'Maternal' instinct.

So... We do have a long road ahead of us... but I am refusing to even take on board how much is going to be involved in the next year or so. So, I have decided to concentrate only on the next step.... and the next step is Surgery... just surgery and once I am home after the surgery... the next step is recovering from surgery... and that is as far as I am going to allow myself to look ahead on this journey. I know that if I start to think about how much I will have to undertake, that I will get overwhelmed and it will seem impossible, but taking it one step about a time might make it seem actually do-able.

Hope is a four letter word, not my favourite four letter word at the minute.... but where would I be without it...???