Well F**k Everything Else, That's All That Matters

Isn't life strange? Sometimes we focus on things that we think are really really important, but it turns out that they are not at all important in the general scheme of things, and then we realise that we have missed out on lots of things because we were focusing on that one pseudo-important thing.... and then sometimes you end up regretting it so badly because you lose someone close to you and suddenly you realise that all that time you wasted concentrating on that non-important thing robbed you of spending time with that important person, and now you can never change that because they are no longer here.

I've had this experience recently. On Tuesday, the 3rd of September we got word that my Uncle Ritchie had died suddenly, my Mum's oldest brother. Among the shock, sadness and grief was this huge sense of regret. I was very close to my Uncle Ritchie, he always called me his 'little girl', which I always found rather funny coz he has three daughters of his own... but every time he would ring my Mum he would ask about his little girl and want to know when I was coming to visit him again. And therein lies the source of my regret.

Before I started IVF, we would visit quite regularly and Uncle Ritchie would always make a huge fuss of me. He always gave me these big hugs, which pretty much involved him hugging me and squeezing me and never wanting to let go. He always told me how beautiful I was and much to my embarrassment, he would say to anyone who came to the house while I was visiting 'This is my niece, isn't she beautiful?'

The thing is though.... while I was going through IVF and with everything that went wrong and all the surgeries and hormones and steroids..... I put on weight, I put on a lot of weight... and I didn't feel beautiful anymore.... and when Uncle Ritchie would ring and ask my Mum 'when is your beautiful daughter coming to see me?' or 'when is my little girl coming to visit?'..... All I could think of was 'beautiful.... little.... yeah right...!!!!' As far as I was concerned I was no longer beautiful or little and I was embarrassed about that and I hated it, and I couldn't let my Uncle Ritchie see me like that. So I ran from it, I made excuses, My self confidence was so low I just couldn't bring myself to face it. I kept telling myself that as soon as I lose some weight... I will go and visit. I did lose some weight but I never felt 'beautiful'. We spoke regularly on the phone and I had registered to do the Riverdance World Record Attempt in Dublin at the end of July this year, so we stayed with my Mum's sister in Kildare and went to visit Uncle Ritchie. Well gosh, I felt like a proper idiot...!!! As soon as he saw he.... he hugged me and squeezed me and was never going to let go, it didn't matter to him in the slightest..... to him I would always be his little girl and I would always be beautiful. 
I spent a lot of time with Uncle Ritchie that weekend, we talked a lot and I realised that no matter what age I was or what size I was... our special bond would never change. I was special to him and he was special to me and that is all that would ever matter. I left there that day with a different, more confident view of myself.

So... to hear 5 weeks later that he had died... all I could do was regret the time that I had wasted, the times I didn't visit, all of the 'big hugs' that I missed out on....

We went straight to my Uncle Ritche's house after our appointment at Sims on the Thursday, It was strange seeing him laid out, but he looked so peaceful, so beautiful. I met his oldest daughter and she simply said 'No big hugs for you today Anne' (she always calls me Anne... much to my Mother's annoyance) and that was it..... no big hugs that day or ever again.

It's hard to accept and I know that it is a regret that I have to live with, but if nothing else..... It has taught me a very valuable lesson. So often in life, we let things become important... things that really don't even matter. Little things that become all consuming take the place of the things that are really important. I am losing the IVF weight and I will feel beautiful again.... but I will never hug my Uncle Ritchie again... Clarity is obvious when there is no option, unfortunately realisations sometimes come too late and all we can do is learn from the experience and try to have a more perceptive view of 'importance' in the future.

Uncle Ritchie, you taught me a lot of things (not least some words beginning with 'F' in my earlier years :-) ), but the most important thing that you taught me... you managed to do it without even knowing...!!!

You finished every conversation with 'Do you still love me?'... My response was always 'Of course I do'.

You would then say 'Well f**k everything else, that's all that matters' .....

And... Indeed it is.....

.xx.