Ok..so we wanted to surprise everyone in a few weeks with the news that I am pregnant with Twins..............
Unfortunately, I will not be pregnant with twins in a few weeks time.
Once again, I will fail to get past the 8 week mark. I have a cyst on my ovary which is taking the hormones from the babies. The hormone levels have dropped very fast so once again, we play the waiting game, waiting for the inevitable to happen.......
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
An Eye Opener
I went to the Clinic today for a routine scan, just to make sure everything is ok and to check that no cysts are forming on the ovaries and that type of thing.
As Patrick was working, my friend Rachel came with me. We shared a few giggles in the waiting room about the fact that we must have looked like a same-sex couple, among a room full of hetrosexual couples.
The scan went off without a hitch, the nurse had no problem finding my ovaries which was a huge surprise and the result was that everything is fine, there are no cysts forming and everything looks good.
We got out to the car and I rang Gordon to see if he had an appointment available, which he did, so as we were already in Cork, I thought it a good idea to go and have some acupuncture done too.
When I got off the phone with Gordon, I noticed that Rachel had a troubled look on her face. I asked if she was ok and she just responded that she just could not believe the amount of people that routinely struggle with what she and many others just take for granted. I suppose ten or twelve couples passed through the waiting room in the hour that we were there, every single one of them wanting so much to be parents and every single one of them carrying a similiar story to that of mine and Patrick's.
Rachel came with me to see Gordon, who took great pleasure in asking her about me and how I was really doing between acupuncture sessions. Rachel responded that I am a lot more relaxed, not as uptight and am not thinking about fertility all the time anymore.
Gordon then said to me 'She is a very good friend, she knows you very very well', indeed she is and indeed she does. Rachel has been there for me throughout my previous IVF cycle and is one of the first people to ask about how each appointment goes with Gordon (she made the comment at the weekend that even though she has never met Gordon, she feels like he is her best friend because she hears so much about him), I think even though today was an eye opener for her and I would go as far as to say that it shocked her a little bit, I think she understands on a deeper level what we are actually going through.
On some level, I think I have become slightly oblivious to the amount of people who go through the fertility clinic as I have been on the inside looking out for so long, but for someone like Rachel, who has two beautiful children...I suppose I could liken the experience to a first-world resident visiting a third-world country...
As Patrick was working, my friend Rachel came with me. We shared a few giggles in the waiting room about the fact that we must have looked like a same-sex couple, among a room full of hetrosexual couples.
The scan went off without a hitch, the nurse had no problem finding my ovaries which was a huge surprise and the result was that everything is fine, there are no cysts forming and everything looks good.
We got out to the car and I rang Gordon to see if he had an appointment available, which he did, so as we were already in Cork, I thought it a good idea to go and have some acupuncture done too.
When I got off the phone with Gordon, I noticed that Rachel had a troubled look on her face. I asked if she was ok and she just responded that she just could not believe the amount of people that routinely struggle with what she and many others just take for granted. I suppose ten or twelve couples passed through the waiting room in the hour that we were there, every single one of them wanting so much to be parents and every single one of them carrying a similiar story to that of mine and Patrick's.
Rachel came with me to see Gordon, who took great pleasure in asking her about me and how I was really doing between acupuncture sessions. Rachel responded that I am a lot more relaxed, not as uptight and am not thinking about fertility all the time anymore.
Gordon then said to me 'She is a very good friend, she knows you very very well', indeed she is and indeed she does. Rachel has been there for me throughout my previous IVF cycle and is one of the first people to ask about how each appointment goes with Gordon (she made the comment at the weekend that even though she has never met Gordon, she feels like he is her best friend because she hears so much about him), I think even though today was an eye opener for her and I would go as far as to say that it shocked her a little bit, I think she understands on a deeper level what we are actually going through.
On some level, I think I have become slightly oblivious to the amount of people who go through the fertility clinic as I have been on the inside looking out for so long, but for someone like Rachel, who has two beautiful children...I suppose I could liken the experience to a first-world resident visiting a third-world country...
The product yearned is different, but the starvation is the same.
Every person attending that clinic has a hunger, a need to be a parent and every time they get knocked back...a tiny piece of them dies.
I now have something that a lot of the other people attending that clinic do not have, I now have hope and with my support network including professionals like Gordon and special friends like Rachel, not to mention the thousands of people around the world...I know that whenever we decide to go back for our next transfer...we will be blessed with a healthy and full term pregnancy...and what comes after that is too exciting for me to even think about at this time of night...!!!
Gordon told me "Babies choose us, we don't choose them. Babies decide when they will come into our lives"
Well, little one...whenever you are ready...Mommy and Daddy are waiting for you.xx.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Me Me Me Me Me.......
Ok...so I went back down to see Gordon yesterday and the conversation started about my last blog post...which he had read.....and he proceded to tell me off for not talking more about myself and what I had done...!!! (I just can't win...!!!)
Hence the title of this post.
My thinking has evolved so much since I began attending for acupuncture. I no longer feel bitter or negative because of the babies I have lost, I no longer fear miscarrying again the next time I get pregnant. I am so looking forward to being pregnant again. It no longer bothers me when I see new born babies or pregnant women.
When I was waiting for my appointment yesterday (I had arrived 30 minutes early as I had gotten the time wrong), the lady with the appointment before mine came out of the treatment room. This lady was definitely at least 6 months pregnant and in my mind she was just beautifully pregnant. When I said this to Gordon he commented on how much my thinking and emotions had evolved from the very first time I had gone to see him, when it was too upsetting for me to sit in his waiting room because there were lots of pictures of babies on the wall and at the time, I just couldnt handle that.
My relationship with Patrick has evolved too, we are now a lot more open with eachother and we are communicating more than we ever have. I think I spent a long time expecting him to be a mindreader, I wanted him to understand how I was feeling...but I wasn't able to tell him how I was feeling.
Lulu.....well... she is just great...it is just not even conceivable how much love I have for that dog, she is beyond spoiled...!!!
and to top it all off...My cat is pregnant and not long off delivering I would imagine. Patrick and I are going away for a few days the week after next and even though Liam is staying at our house...I have visions of us returning to a scene of Lulu running around the house with a kitten in her mouth like a squeaky toy...!!!
So for now...we are going to enjoy the long weekend, hopefully a bbq tomorrow with some friends (weather permitting) and then some quality time with Patrick until its back to the grind on Tuesday.
Happy Weekend Everyone.xx.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
A Glimmer of Hope
Ok, so its been just over seven weeks since I have posted on here..........the reason being...I simply needed a break. The words just would not come so I decided it best to wait until I felt up to posting again.
The last seven weeks have been a mixture of heartbreak, tears, complete dispair, trauma and among all of those things...a tiny glimmer of hope.
This glimmer of hope comes in the form of Gordon Mullins, an acupuncturist who specialises in fertility issues. He has a natural fertility clinic in Cork and as of now, I have been to see him 4 times.
The first visit, we just sat and talked for two and a half hours, I got to tell my story and to my surprise...he actually listened, and not only that...he was certain that he could help. He gave me hope, he told me that he would do everything that he could to ensure that my next pregnancy is a healthy one that goes to full term...(well, everything except actually get me pregnant...he did stress on several occassions that he will not actually get me pregnant...................I assured him that was quite alright and I'd prefer my husband to do that anyway...!!!)
On the second appointment, he introduced the needles which really are not anything like what I thought they would be. They are tiny and most of the time you only barely feel them, although a few times...they have actually hurt.........I am assured that this is not actually pain but the shifting of energy. During this appointment, Gordon told me that he would induce a period, and that I would have a bleed which would consist only or bright red blood. I think I may have laughed at him.....I got my first period when I was just nine years old and in all those years, I have never had a period that was just bright red blood. Gordon explained to me that if the bleeding is usually dark or contains clots...that is not a healthy womb lining for an embryo to grow in, as there is little or no oxygen in the womb lining.
That appointment was on a Thursday, by Sunday I was crippled with back pain...just like Gordon told me I would be...and by Tuesday, I had started to bleed...and yes...it was purely bright red blood...!!!
Patrick came with me on the second and third visits, a true sceptic, but even he had no choice but to become a believer when, on the third visit...Whatever Gordon did gave me a sharp pain over my left eye, to which Gordon responded by putting a needle in the top of my right foot..............and the pain disappeared...yes, it actually just went instantly. Gordon explained that a pain over my left eye is connected to my liver and the spot where he put the needle in my foot is also connected to the Liver and therefore counter-acted the pain.
So...my most recent visit was last Thursday and during this visit I was finally able to vocalise my fear at the thought of going back to the Clinic and going through all of this again. I am terrified and at this point do not want to go back.
Initially after I miscarried, I told myself that I would go back straight away, as soon as I could and then I wouldnt have to deal with the underlying fear...I would just get on with it. But my sessions with Gordon have taught me that I need to deal with that fear and the fact that I do not want to go back to the Clinic means that I am simply not ready to. I am learning the importance of vocalising instead of internalising, a method I have studied in depth in a professional context...... but sometimes it is not so easy to follow your own advice.
For now.......Patrick and I are just enjoying being together. We are married three years on the 9th of August and in all honesty...that whole time has been spent between trying to have a baby, getting pregnant, losing babies, hospitals, clinics, medications, injections and just an unbelievable amount of stress.
So, we are spending some time just reconnecting, enjoying eachother's company and getting to know eachother as a couple, outside of trying to be parents.
As Gordon told me.....we need to bring the Happiness back into our relationship. Patrick and I have a very good relationship, we are very close....but the most-part of the past three years has been tinged with sadness and grief, so we are going to take some time just to be us.
I will see Gordon again on Thursday of next week and both Patrick and I so look forward to the appointments because it has made such a difference. The overwhelming part for us is that we have found someone who actually cares. Gordon will often call to see how we are doing or how I am feeling, and I know that I can email him at any time with any thoughts or questions.
I was feeling very tired and off form all day, so I put together what was practically a novel within an email, pretty much explaining how nothing was right with the world and I sent it to Gordon, it was not an email that he needed to read...it was an email that I needed to send.
His response basically told me that if I re-read that email, all of the answers I am looking for are portrayed very obviously in my own words.............and he was right.
However, I was able to attribute today's mood-swings, indecisiveness and well...'that email' to one thing this evening.............I am ovulating...........Its been so long since I have ovulated, I had actually forgotten how it felt. So yes...I am a little bit hormonal, but so unbelievably delighted that my system has returned to a functioning state.
I really want to thank each and every one of you that has supported us throughout this whole thing, it has been a very difficult time but it would have been a whole pile more difficult without the support of our family, friends and the many people around the world who have sent us messages.
And to my friends who put off telling me the fantastic news that they are pregnant, I am so happy for each of you, I am genuinely delighted for you and I know that you will make fantastic parents. It is not hard for me to see people who are pregnant, some days I do find it difficult but those days are few and far between and I genuinely believe that it will not be too much longer and we will be shouting to the world that we are in our second trimester.............
The last seven weeks have been a mixture of heartbreak, tears, complete dispair, trauma and among all of those things...a tiny glimmer of hope.
This glimmer of hope comes in the form of Gordon Mullins, an acupuncturist who specialises in fertility issues. He has a natural fertility clinic in Cork and as of now, I have been to see him 4 times.
The first visit, we just sat and talked for two and a half hours, I got to tell my story and to my surprise...he actually listened, and not only that...he was certain that he could help. He gave me hope, he told me that he would do everything that he could to ensure that my next pregnancy is a healthy one that goes to full term...(well, everything except actually get me pregnant...he did stress on several occassions that he will not actually get me pregnant...................I assured him that was quite alright and I'd prefer my husband to do that anyway...!!!)
On the second appointment, he introduced the needles which really are not anything like what I thought they would be. They are tiny and most of the time you only barely feel them, although a few times...they have actually hurt.........I am assured that this is not actually pain but the shifting of energy. During this appointment, Gordon told me that he would induce a period, and that I would have a bleed which would consist only or bright red blood. I think I may have laughed at him.....I got my first period when I was just nine years old and in all those years, I have never had a period that was just bright red blood. Gordon explained to me that if the bleeding is usually dark or contains clots...that is not a healthy womb lining for an embryo to grow in, as there is little or no oxygen in the womb lining.
That appointment was on a Thursday, by Sunday I was crippled with back pain...just like Gordon told me I would be...and by Tuesday, I had started to bleed...and yes...it was purely bright red blood...!!!
This guy is a Miracle Worker...!!!
Patrick came with me on the second and third visits, a true sceptic, but even he had no choice but to become a believer when, on the third visit...Whatever Gordon did gave me a sharp pain over my left eye, to which Gordon responded by putting a needle in the top of my right foot..............and the pain disappeared...yes, it actually just went instantly. Gordon explained that a pain over my left eye is connected to my liver and the spot where he put the needle in my foot is also connected to the Liver and therefore counter-acted the pain.
So...my most recent visit was last Thursday and during this visit I was finally able to vocalise my fear at the thought of going back to the Clinic and going through all of this again. I am terrified and at this point do not want to go back.
Initially after I miscarried, I told myself that I would go back straight away, as soon as I could and then I wouldnt have to deal with the underlying fear...I would just get on with it. But my sessions with Gordon have taught me that I need to deal with that fear and the fact that I do not want to go back to the Clinic means that I am simply not ready to. I am learning the importance of vocalising instead of internalising, a method I have studied in depth in a professional context...... but sometimes it is not so easy to follow your own advice.
For now.......Patrick and I are just enjoying being together. We are married three years on the 9th of August and in all honesty...that whole time has been spent between trying to have a baby, getting pregnant, losing babies, hospitals, clinics, medications, injections and just an unbelievable amount of stress.
So, we are spending some time just reconnecting, enjoying eachother's company and getting to know eachother as a couple, outside of trying to be parents.
As Gordon told me.....we need to bring the Happiness back into our relationship. Patrick and I have a very good relationship, we are very close....but the most-part of the past three years has been tinged with sadness and grief, so we are going to take some time just to be us.
I will see Gordon again on Thursday of next week and both Patrick and I so look forward to the appointments because it has made such a difference. The overwhelming part for us is that we have found someone who actually cares. Gordon will often call to see how we are doing or how I am feeling, and I know that I can email him at any time with any thoughts or questions.
I was feeling very tired and off form all day, so I put together what was practically a novel within an email, pretty much explaining how nothing was right with the world and I sent it to Gordon, it was not an email that he needed to read...it was an email that I needed to send.
His response basically told me that if I re-read that email, all of the answers I am looking for are portrayed very obviously in my own words.............and he was right.
However, I was able to attribute today's mood-swings, indecisiveness and well...'that email' to one thing this evening.............I am ovulating...........Its been so long since I have ovulated, I had actually forgotten how it felt. So yes...I am a little bit hormonal, but so unbelievably delighted that my system has returned to a functioning state.
I really want to thank each and every one of you that has supported us throughout this whole thing, it has been a very difficult time but it would have been a whole pile more difficult without the support of our family, friends and the many people around the world who have sent us messages.
And to my friends who put off telling me the fantastic news that they are pregnant, I am so happy for each of you, I am genuinely delighted for you and I know that you will make fantastic parents. It is not hard for me to see people who are pregnant, some days I do find it difficult but those days are few and far between and I genuinely believe that it will not be too much longer and we will be shouting to the world that we are in our second trimester.............
Gordon says so.....and we believe him.
(He does want us to call our first boy 'Gordon' though......ah, we can discuss that when the time comes...!!!)
Monday, May 30, 2011
Enter Lulu.xx.
Yeah...so we got a puppy...!!!
I know all you Psychologists out there (both qualified and amateur) are probably screaming at the computer screen right now...!!!
I was having a really crappy day yesterday, which was spent between crying and and making my fingers raw, cleaning things that were already clean, oh yeah and much of that time was spent doing both.
So, about 7:30 yesterday evening we decided 'lets get a puppy', I think we were both so relieved at the thought of getting something that was going to distract us, even temporarily, from the constant pain and sense of loss that we are feeling.............and Lulu.....well, she has done just that.
She is the cutest, most affectionate little thing, she is just beautiful.
I did have about half an hour of feeling unbelievably guilty this evening, I felt so guilty that maybe I was trying to replace the baby we just lost with this beautiful little puppy, but in truth, that isnt the case at all.
She is just something that can make me forget my pain from time to time, something that makes me unable to not smile when I look at her because she is just so cute and she gives me lots of kisses and cuddles, so hey...that cant be a bad thing...!!!
And yeah..I am not denying that she will probably be the most spoiled puppy in the world...but we both have so much love to share right now, so we may as well share it with her until the time comes for us to go back to the Clinic to try again.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
I Just Don't Get It
I really just dont understand how this could have happened.
We have had so many tests to make sure there is nothing wrong with me, we went through the gruelling process of egg collection and the selection of the best quality eggs, the Clinic lab technicians selected the best quality sperm.
They injected the best quality sperm into the best quality egg, to ensure best quality fertilisation, which resulted in an embryo and then a blastocyst of the best quality, which was then cyropreserved and survived the thawing process with no problems because it was of such good quality.
The Embryo Transfer went off without a hitch and the Embryo implanted days before it was expected to, because my womb lining was so think because of the hormones I had been taking for weeks.
I tested positive six days before it was expected to show up on a home pregnancy test.
So...where did it all go wrong...???
"Its just one of those things", I swear, if I hear that once more...how can something be 'just one of those things'? Its something that just happens...........but how can this 'just happen'? We took every precaution, every thing was in place.
We thought that the last place where it could have gone wrong was if the embryo didnt attach to the womb lining, which would have resulted in a negative pregnancy test, but it did attach and six positive pregnancy tests later, we let ourselves relax and actually believe that our time had finally come, that we were actually going to be parents. We had so many delightful moments of disbelief when we had to just remind eachother that it was actually happening, that I was actually carrying our baby. We giggled so much, it was like all our Christmasses had come at once, it was everything we ever wanted.
Suddenly all the things that used to seem 'big' to us, became so not important, the trip we had planned to New York later in the year, well lets not bother with that because we could spend that money on beautiful nursery furniture, I'm not going to buy the new Radley handbag that I wanted, because OMG, Have you seen the Radley baby changing bags, those are the cutest ever, I'm definitely going to get one of those instead!, The things that we wanted became so irrelevant because we had everything that we ever wanted right there inside my womb.
And then, in the blink of an eye, it was all taken away from us and I just can't understand it, I need a logical explanation for it and there just isn't one.
People keep saying to me 'Oh, it wasn't to be', well, I'd love to know exactly how it 'wasn't to be', am I supposed to just accept that?
It took us nine months of treatment to get to the stage where we could see those two beautiful lines on the first pregnancy test, nine months of stress and strain caused by the physical, emotional and financial demands of the IVF process, and what do we have to show at the end of it...???
Nothing, absolutely nothing (apart from an unhealthy-looking bank account and an emptiness that we are never going to be able to fill...!!!).
We have had so many tests to make sure there is nothing wrong with me, we went through the gruelling process of egg collection and the selection of the best quality eggs, the Clinic lab technicians selected the best quality sperm.
They injected the best quality sperm into the best quality egg, to ensure best quality fertilisation, which resulted in an embryo and then a blastocyst of the best quality, which was then cyropreserved and survived the thawing process with no problems because it was of such good quality.
The Embryo Transfer went off without a hitch and the Embryo implanted days before it was expected to, because my womb lining was so think because of the hormones I had been taking for weeks.
I tested positive six days before it was expected to show up on a home pregnancy test.
So...where did it all go wrong...???
"Its just one of those things", I swear, if I hear that once more...how can something be 'just one of those things'? Its something that just happens...........but how can this 'just happen'? We took every precaution, every thing was in place.
We thought that the last place where it could have gone wrong was if the embryo didnt attach to the womb lining, which would have resulted in a negative pregnancy test, but it did attach and six positive pregnancy tests later, we let ourselves relax and actually believe that our time had finally come, that we were actually going to be parents. We had so many delightful moments of disbelief when we had to just remind eachother that it was actually happening, that I was actually carrying our baby. We giggled so much, it was like all our Christmasses had come at once, it was everything we ever wanted.
Suddenly all the things that used to seem 'big' to us, became so not important, the trip we had planned to New York later in the year, well lets not bother with that because we could spend that money on beautiful nursery furniture, I'm not going to buy the new Radley handbag that I wanted, because OMG, Have you seen the Radley baby changing bags, those are the cutest ever, I'm definitely going to get one of those instead!, The things that we wanted became so irrelevant because we had everything that we ever wanted right there inside my womb.
And then, in the blink of an eye, it was all taken away from us and I just can't understand it, I need a logical explanation for it and there just isn't one.
People keep saying to me 'Oh, it wasn't to be', well, I'd love to know exactly how it 'wasn't to be', am I supposed to just accept that?
It took us nine months of treatment to get to the stage where we could see those two beautiful lines on the first pregnancy test, nine months of stress and strain caused by the physical, emotional and financial demands of the IVF process, and what do we have to show at the end of it...???
Nothing, absolutely nothing (apart from an unhealthy-looking bank account and an emptiness that we are never going to be able to fill...!!!).
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Weird .......... Or What ..........???
I came across this picture last night, when I was tagging some pictures on Facebook. This picture is from our wedding day, the 9th of August, 2008.
Note the orb of light on the womb of that statue..........not too strange, right? orbs often appear in photos.
Except........that orb appeared in the same place on that statue in three different pictures, taken from three different cameras, by three different people.
Weird, or What...???
Friday, May 27, 2011
Cruel, Cruel Games...!!!
The pains started yesterday afternoon and really were quite mild, but around 6:30 yesterday evening the contractions started to get really strong and were coming about every six minutes.
I was adament that I was not going to the hospital, so instead I rang the Caredoc and got an appointment for 9pm.
We had to go to Tipperary town as there was no Dr. in Cashel at the time, but Tipp town is only about 20 mins away.
We arrived just before 9pm, I was doubled over in pain by this time but I explained to the Dr. that I did not want to go to the hospital, I really just wanted something to help with the pain and if it got worse or I started bleeding very heavily, I would go straight to the hospital.
The Dr. agreed, as I wasnt actually bleeding at all at this stage. He gave me an injection of morphine, which kicked in after just a few minutes and I got instant relief. I could still feel tightness with the contractions, but could feel no pain. The Dr. also gave me some tablets which are basically the same as what was in the injection, but just in tablet form.
We came home then, and I got absolutely no sleep at all last night, I'm not sure whether it was the morphine, or the contractions or the fact that I was conscious that my body was simulating active labour and in my mind, it just wasnt fair that I would have to go through all of that and not have a beautiful baby to hold at the end of it. Life really can play cruel games at times.
Ive been absolutely wrecked all day, kinda dozing a bit most of the day. The pains arent too bad today, the morphine is keeping on top of it and although I am aware of the pain, it is bearable. The bleeding has started too, but it is quite light yet.
I am both emotionally and physically drained, so here's hoping I actually manage to get some sleep tonight.
I was adament that I was not going to the hospital, so instead I rang the Caredoc and got an appointment for 9pm.
We had to go to Tipperary town as there was no Dr. in Cashel at the time, but Tipp town is only about 20 mins away.
We arrived just before 9pm, I was doubled over in pain by this time but I explained to the Dr. that I did not want to go to the hospital, I really just wanted something to help with the pain and if it got worse or I started bleeding very heavily, I would go straight to the hospital.
The Dr. agreed, as I wasnt actually bleeding at all at this stage. He gave me an injection of morphine, which kicked in after just a few minutes and I got instant relief. I could still feel tightness with the contractions, but could feel no pain. The Dr. also gave me some tablets which are basically the same as what was in the injection, but just in tablet form.
We came home then, and I got absolutely no sleep at all last night, I'm not sure whether it was the morphine, or the contractions or the fact that I was conscious that my body was simulating active labour and in my mind, it just wasnt fair that I would have to go through all of that and not have a beautiful baby to hold at the end of it. Life really can play cruel games at times.
Ive been absolutely wrecked all day, kinda dozing a bit most of the day. The pains arent too bad today, the morphine is keeping on top of it and although I am aware of the pain, it is bearable. The bleeding has started too, but it is quite light yet.
I am both emotionally and physically drained, so here's hoping I actually manage to get some sleep tonight.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Ok, So Here's The Story......
I called the Clinic in Cork on Tuesday morning and explained the situation to them. The nurse told me to come down straight away and they would do a scan and run some tests to see how everything is going.
We got the the Clinic around 11:15 and they saw us straight away. The nurse did an internal scan first to see what was going on in my womb, it was very unclear.
The nurse then said that she wanted me to do a urine pregnancy test, which I did. Initially it wasnt showing anything and that was the initial heart break. The nurse then asked if we wanted to meet with Dr. Wiergandt, one of the consultants, so we did.
We went across the corridor to meet him in one of the consultation rooms. A few seconds later the nurse came back in and asked the Dr if she could see him outside the room for a minute. About three minutes later, both the nurse and the Dr came back in to the room, the pregnancy test had turned positive, but the line was faint. This provided a very faint bit of hope for us. I was definitely still pregnant.
Unsure about what was happening, she suggested that we go across the road to the Bons Hospital and have a blood test done to check the level of pregnancy hormones, in a naturally progressing pregnancy the HCG hormone level will double about every 2-3 days.
We went across to have the test and the results only took about 20 minutes to come back. The hormone level had dropped from 101.7 on Sunday to 20.4 on Tuesday, the pregnancy was fading and it was fading fast.
We had a couple of options, we could go and have a procedure to have the contents of my womb removed or we could go home and let everything happen naturally.
I just wanted to go home, I couldnt handle the thought of going through an anasthetic and just waking up 'not pregnant anymore' again, I wanted everything to happen naturally.
So basically, when the hormone level drops to almost nothing, my cervix will start to open and my body will start to expel everything in my womb. This could take anything from 10-14 days and throughout that time, I will be bleeding heavily and it could be quite painful.
These pains started last night and are continuing today, although I havent actually started bleeding yet, but I'm sure it wont be too much longer before that starts too.
Patrick is taking it very hard, much harder than any of the previous losses we have suffered. It has been such a long process to get to the stage where we could actually say that 'we're having a baby', and gosh were we excited. Patrick was in the middle of painting the nursery and I had even ordered the perfect curtains for the perfect baby's room, we were so looking forward to being parents.
But, once again, our dream has been ripped from us. We had 6 wonderful weeks of being pregnant, 21 fantastic days of knowing that our baby was in my womb, 13 of the most superb days knowing that our baby had attached and was growing in my womb and now we are left with a life time of knowing that, once again, our little one has been robbed from our clutches, we were so close, just so so close.
We got the the Clinic around 11:15 and they saw us straight away. The nurse did an internal scan first to see what was going on in my womb, it was very unclear.
The nurse then said that she wanted me to do a urine pregnancy test, which I did. Initially it wasnt showing anything and that was the initial heart break. The nurse then asked if we wanted to meet with Dr. Wiergandt, one of the consultants, so we did.
We went across the corridor to meet him in one of the consultation rooms. A few seconds later the nurse came back in and asked the Dr if she could see him outside the room for a minute. About three minutes later, both the nurse and the Dr came back in to the room, the pregnancy test had turned positive, but the line was faint. This provided a very faint bit of hope for us. I was definitely still pregnant.
Unsure about what was happening, she suggested that we go across the road to the Bons Hospital and have a blood test done to check the level of pregnancy hormones, in a naturally progressing pregnancy the HCG hormone level will double about every 2-3 days.
We went across to have the test and the results only took about 20 minutes to come back. The hormone level had dropped from 101.7 on Sunday to 20.4 on Tuesday, the pregnancy was fading and it was fading fast.
We had a couple of options, we could go and have a procedure to have the contents of my womb removed or we could go home and let everything happen naturally.
I just wanted to go home, I couldnt handle the thought of going through an anasthetic and just waking up 'not pregnant anymore' again, I wanted everything to happen naturally.
So basically, when the hormone level drops to almost nothing, my cervix will start to open and my body will start to expel everything in my womb. This could take anything from 10-14 days and throughout that time, I will be bleeding heavily and it could be quite painful.
These pains started last night and are continuing today, although I havent actually started bleeding yet, but I'm sure it wont be too much longer before that starts too.
Patrick is taking it very hard, much harder than any of the previous losses we have suffered. It has been such a long process to get to the stage where we could actually say that 'we're having a baby', and gosh were we excited. Patrick was in the middle of painting the nursery and I had even ordered the perfect curtains for the perfect baby's room, we were so looking forward to being parents.
But, once again, our dream has been ripped from us. We had 6 wonderful weeks of being pregnant, 21 fantastic days of knowing that our baby was in my womb, 13 of the most superb days knowing that our baby had attached and was growing in my womb and now we are left with a life time of knowing that, once again, our little one has been robbed from our clutches, we were so close, just so so close.
It just isnt fair!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'll post details later or in a few days, but for now the news is that the hormone levels are dropping very fast, which means that the embryo is dying and there is nothing anyone can do.
Once the levels drop below a certain level, which will probably happen this evening or early tomorrow, my cervix will open and I will start bleeding very heavily, this will be my body expelling the embryo, the placenta and the womb lining.
Once the levels drop below a certain level, which will probably happen this evening or early tomorrow, my cervix will open and I will start bleeding very heavily, this will be my body expelling the embryo, the placenta and the womb lining.
Monday, May 23, 2011
The Health System in this Country...!!!
I started bleeding again last night, so we left for the hospital and arrived there at around midnight.
We had to wait in the maternity visiting room for a bit, while we were waiting for the Dr to arrive.
So, after about 15 minutes some guy comes in with a packet of cigarettes in his hand 'Mind if I smoke?'
eh........this is a maternity ward and I am pregnant, of course I bloody mind if you smoke...!!!
I got up and let the room and after a few minutes of waiting in the corridor, one of the nurses came and called me.
The bleeding had settled down a bit by this stage, but they decided to keep me in anyway just to be safe.
So, I was put into a ward with two mad oul biddies who kept shouting out in their sleep...!!!
This morning the Dr.s came around and said that they should have the results back by around 2pm.
I honestly thought 2pm was never going to come around, but it did and it passed.
I called Patrick and told him to come down, that we should have the results in the next few minutes.
Patrick arrived around 3pm and still no sign of the results. We waited for about 45 minutes and then a nurse came in to tell us that they have the blood results from Sunday but were still waiting for the results from Friday to compare them and see what the progression was.
I asked her what the HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels on Sunday were and she told me they were 101.7, which is a bit lower than average but is still within the normal range for the time frame. She told me that it would be about another 30 minutes before they would have Friday's results.
That was about all I could take, I broke down and cried, I just couldnt handle any more waiting and not knowing...!!!
About 50 minutes later, another nurse came in and said that the Dr. wanted to do another scan.
While I was on the scanning table, with the probe shoved up my you-know-what, another nurse broke the news to us that they had not been able to locate the results from Friday. She said she had been on the phone to the lab in Waterford and they had no record of them, she then said that she called the lab in the Hospital in Clonmel and they were unable to locate them.
So basically right now, we dont have a bloody clue what is going on...!!!
The nurse then told us that I would have to come back tomorrow to have more bloods taken, which would then be sent away and we would have the results on Wednesday evening which they would compare with the results of the bloods from Sunday to see what the progression is like!
We had to wait in the maternity visiting room for a bit, while we were waiting for the Dr to arrive.
So, after about 15 minutes some guy comes in with a packet of cigarettes in his hand 'Mind if I smoke?'
eh........this is a maternity ward and I am pregnant, of course I bloody mind if you smoke...!!!
I got up and let the room and after a few minutes of waiting in the corridor, one of the nurses came and called me.
The bleeding had settled down a bit by this stage, but they decided to keep me in anyway just to be safe.
So, I was put into a ward with two mad oul biddies who kept shouting out in their sleep...!!!
This morning the Dr.s came around and said that they should have the results back by around 2pm.
I honestly thought 2pm was never going to come around, but it did and it passed.
I called Patrick and told him to come down, that we should have the results in the next few minutes.
Patrick arrived around 3pm and still no sign of the results. We waited for about 45 minutes and then a nurse came in to tell us that they have the blood results from Sunday but were still waiting for the results from Friday to compare them and see what the progression was.
I asked her what the HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels on Sunday were and she told me they were 101.7, which is a bit lower than average but is still within the normal range for the time frame. She told me that it would be about another 30 minutes before they would have Friday's results.
That was about all I could take, I broke down and cried, I just couldnt handle any more waiting and not knowing...!!!
About 50 minutes later, another nurse came in and said that the Dr. wanted to do another scan.
While I was on the scanning table, with the probe shoved up my you-know-what, another nurse broke the news to us that they had not been able to locate the results from Friday. She said she had been on the phone to the lab in Waterford and they had no record of them, she then said that she called the lab in the Hospital in Clonmel and they were unable to locate them.
So basically right now, we dont have a bloody clue what is going on...!!!
The nurse then told us that I would have to come back tomorrow to have more bloods taken, which would then be sent away and we would have the results on Wednesday evening which they would compare with the results of the bloods from Sunday to see what the progression is like!
NO BLOODY WAY...!!!
I told her that I will go to Cork in the morning and they will take the bloods and have the results back for me within an hour.
I am so drained and fed up right now, it is the hardest thing in the world not knowing whether my baby is growing inside me or not, I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take...
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Playing This Waiting Game...!!!
I have had no more pain or bleeding since 10pm on Friday night, although that hasnt stopped me running to the loo every 5 minutes just to make sure. I've even stopped myself from sneezing on several occassions for fear that sneezing will cause me to start bleeding again.
We went down to the hospital this morning to have some more bloods taken, and of course all of my veins decided to hide. So after a few minutes of playing 'stick the needle into the patient' the nurse decided that the only place to get it would be the main vein on the inside of my wrist..........the exact same place that was bruised because the canula was put in there on Friday.....so yeah, that hurt a bit...!!!
Anyway, she eventually got the blood that she needed and said that they would ring me tomorrow at 4pm, when the results come back and hopefully the hormones will have increased since Friday.
So, for now I am waiting anxiously, I keep talking to my little one, telling him/her to 'hang in there'.
I've had some visitors today, so that was really nice and apart from that I have just been resting on the couch with my feet up...(oh yeah, and running to the loo every five minutes...just to be sure...!!!)
.
Having all of my loyal readers thinking positive has worked so far along this journey, so everybody ..........
We went down to the hospital this morning to have some more bloods taken, and of course all of my veins decided to hide. So after a few minutes of playing 'stick the needle into the patient' the nurse decided that the only place to get it would be the main vein on the inside of my wrist..........the exact same place that was bruised because the canula was put in there on Friday.....so yeah, that hurt a bit...!!!
Anyway, she eventually got the blood that she needed and said that they would ring me tomorrow at 4pm, when the results come back and hopefully the hormones will have increased since Friday.
So, for now I am waiting anxiously, I keep talking to my little one, telling him/her to 'hang in there'.
I've had some visitors today, so that was really nice and apart from that I have just been resting on the couch with my feet up...(oh yeah, and running to the loo every five minutes...just to be sure...!!!)
.
Having all of my loyal readers thinking positive has worked so far along this journey, so everybody ..........
Think 'Hormonal'
.xx.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Threatened Miscarriage
Ok so Thursday evening I had some cramping and shooting pains in my lower abdomen, which I just passed off as a tummy bug as Liam had been sick with a bug.
Yesterday lunchtime I had really bad pains and when I went to the bathroom, I was bleeding very very heavily. I called the Clinic in Cork and they told me to go to the nearest maternity unit as soon as possible.
We went to Clonmel straight away and the silence in the car on the way there was just deafening. We were both so convinced that I was miscarrying, we couldn't speak.
By the time we got to Clonmel I was losing a lot of blood.
They took me to the gynae emergency room and did an internal scan but I was bleeding too much, they couldnt see anything on the scan.
The Dr. then did a speculum exam (holy crap...that thing never gets easier...the pain of it...!!!), which showed that the cervix was still closed.
The Dr. then informed us that I was experiencing a threatened miscarriage which could go either way, they took some bloods and said that they would repeat the blood test on Sunday to compare the hormone levels, which will tell us whether the baby is alive or not and if he/she is alive, whether the pregnancy is progressing or whether the baby has stopped growing.
We will have the results of both tests on Monday.
So, they kept me in hospital last night, gave me some pethidine for the pain (which I was assured several times, would not have any effect on the baby or the pregnancy). The bleeding got less and less and eventually stopped around 10 pm and hasn't started again since.
The pain also settled last night, apart from a few twinges but I have been feeling those ever since the embryo transfer so I am not worried about those.
For now, I have just gotten home and am on complete bedrest with my feet up, we will go back to the hospital tomorrow for the blood tests and if all is ok, I will be on bedrest for a few weeks until we are out of the danger zone.
People keep asking how I am feeling and the honest answer is that I really don't know. I am completely on auto-pilot. We are hoping for the best, but we are so aware and conscious of my history of miscarriages, that subconsciously I think we are both preparing ourselves for yet more bad news, while holding onto any tiny bit of hope that our little baby will fight to hold on. We feel that he/she has defied all of the odds this far,that maybe, just maybe he/she will pull through this obstacle too.
We will never forget the day the Queen of England came to Cashel...!!!
Yesterday lunchtime I had really bad pains and when I went to the bathroom, I was bleeding very very heavily. I called the Clinic in Cork and they told me to go to the nearest maternity unit as soon as possible.
We went to Clonmel straight away and the silence in the car on the way there was just deafening. We were both so convinced that I was miscarrying, we couldn't speak.
By the time we got to Clonmel I was losing a lot of blood.
They took me to the gynae emergency room and did an internal scan but I was bleeding too much, they couldnt see anything on the scan.
The Dr. then did a speculum exam (holy crap...that thing never gets easier...the pain of it...!!!), which showed that the cervix was still closed.
The Dr. then informed us that I was experiencing a threatened miscarriage which could go either way, they took some bloods and said that they would repeat the blood test on Sunday to compare the hormone levels, which will tell us whether the baby is alive or not and if he/she is alive, whether the pregnancy is progressing or whether the baby has stopped growing.
We will have the results of both tests on Monday.
So, they kept me in hospital last night, gave me some pethidine for the pain (which I was assured several times, would not have any effect on the baby or the pregnancy). The bleeding got less and less and eventually stopped around 10 pm and hasn't started again since.
The pain also settled last night, apart from a few twinges but I have been feeling those ever since the embryo transfer so I am not worried about those.
For now, I have just gotten home and am on complete bedrest with my feet up, we will go back to the hospital tomorrow for the blood tests and if all is ok, I will be on bedrest for a few weeks until we are out of the danger zone.
People keep asking how I am feeling and the honest answer is that I really don't know. I am completely on auto-pilot. We are hoping for the best, but we are so aware and conscious of my history of miscarriages, that subconsciously I think we are both preparing ourselves for yet more bad news, while holding onto any tiny bit of hope that our little baby will fight to hold on. We feel that he/she has defied all of the odds this far,that maybe, just maybe he/she will pull through this obstacle too.
We will never forget the day the Queen of England came to Cashel...!!!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
5 Weeks and I'm Loving it...!!!
5 Weeks and I have just been completely wiped out the past 2 days, I couldnt even make it out of bed this morning, never mind even think about getting into work.
So, we're currently in week 5 and apparantly our baby's heart should be developped and beating by Thursday.
I spoke to the Clinic yesterday and we have our first scan on Thursday the 26th at 12:45, exactly a year to the hour of when I sat in my Gynaecologist's office to be told 'Natural Pregnancy, it is never going to happen'.
What a year it has been, and what a complete and utter train wreck of emotional instability. It does seem though that as soon as we saw that first faint positive line, all of the emotions and stresses and the completely draining physical demands of the past year just completely dissolved.
So, for now we are putting the past behind us and although we will never forget, we are focussing all of our energies on the little person who is growing inside me, the person who we love so much already and although we just can't wait to meet him or her, I am just loving being pregnant (yes, even the sickness) and am so looking forward to the next 7ish months.xx.
So, we're currently in week 5 and apparantly our baby's heart should be developped and beating by Thursday.
I spoke to the Clinic yesterday and we have our first scan on Thursday the 26th at 12:45, exactly a year to the hour of when I sat in my Gynaecologist's office to be told 'Natural Pregnancy, it is never going to happen'.
What a year it has been, and what a complete and utter train wreck of emotional instability. It does seem though that as soon as we saw that first faint positive line, all of the emotions and stresses and the completely draining physical demands of the past year just completely dissolved.
So, for now we are putting the past behind us and although we will never forget, we are focussing all of our energies on the little person who is growing inside me, the person who we love so much already and although we just can't wait to meet him or her, I am just loving being pregnant (yes, even the sickness) and am so looking forward to the next 7ish months.xx.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Day 33 .......... D-Day Tomorrow....(Well...Officially...!!!)
Day 33 and my connection was too crappy to allow me to post last night (probably because the Eurovision was on and everybody had to post to facebook about it...!!!).
We went to Limerick yesterday and I didnt actually manage to find something to wear to the wedding, well I found a few nice dresses, but the queue for the dressing rooms was so long, I just couldnt be bothered queueing, especially when I was feeling so crap.
I was having a lot of stretching pains in my lower abdomen yesterday and those have continued today, along with some like serious overwhelming tiredness, causing me to nap for at least an hour a day.
So...at a count...I have taken 6 pregnancy tests, 2 of them digital and every single one of them positive...!!!
Pretty good going...considering I really wasn't supposed to test til tomorrow.
I will call the clinic again tomorrow and they will give me a date for my first scan, which will tell me how many bambinos are in my womb (even though they only implanted one blastocyst, it was of very good quality and there is a chance that it could have split in two).
The night time sickness seems to have settled down a bit for the last two nights and apart from a few bouts of quesiness during the day, the sickness really hasnt been too bad for the last 2 days.
I have however, been suffering with headaches a bit more than usual.
So, am looking forward to getting in touch with the clinic tomorrow and sharing our good news, for now though, I am going to relax on the couch with a class of juice and my wonderful husband.xx.
We went to Limerick yesterday and I didnt actually manage to find something to wear to the wedding, well I found a few nice dresses, but the queue for the dressing rooms was so long, I just couldnt be bothered queueing, especially when I was feeling so crap.
I was having a lot of stretching pains in my lower abdomen yesterday and those have continued today, along with some like serious overwhelming tiredness, causing me to nap for at least an hour a day.
So...at a count...I have taken 6 pregnancy tests, 2 of them digital and every single one of them positive...!!!
Pretty good going...considering I really wasn't supposed to test til tomorrow.
I will call the clinic again tomorrow and they will give me a date for my first scan, which will tell me how many bambinos are in my womb (even though they only implanted one blastocyst, it was of very good quality and there is a chance that it could have split in two).
The night time sickness seems to have settled down a bit for the last two nights and apart from a few bouts of quesiness during the day, the sickness really hasnt been too bad for the last 2 days.
I have however, been suffering with headaches a bit more than usual.
So, am looking forward to getting in touch with the clinic tomorrow and sharing our good news, for now though, I am going to relax on the couch with a class of juice and my wonderful husband.xx.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Day 30 .......... Til Someone Loses an Eye...!!!
Day 30 and I'm feeling really good today.
Still been quite sick but I think I am getting used to the sickness...and hey...if I wasn't sick...I'd probably think there is something wrong...!!!
I had a really nice day at work and Patrick and I went out to lunch for his birthday...but of course, when we got to the restaurant...I just couldnt eat anything, I did however manage two cartons of apple juice.
So, am looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend and maybe some shopping tomorrow.
One of my friends is getting married in a few weeks, so I need to find something to wear to that...something that fits over my newly humongous boobs ( well, they weren't exactly small to begin with...!!!).
I want all the focus to be on the beautiful bride and not on me coz I turned around too fast and took somebody's eye out...!!!
Still been quite sick but I think I am getting used to the sickness...and hey...if I wasn't sick...I'd probably think there is something wrong...!!!
I had a really nice day at work and Patrick and I went out to lunch for his birthday...but of course, when we got to the restaurant...I just couldnt eat anything, I did however manage two cartons of apple juice.
So, am looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend and maybe some shopping tomorrow.
One of my friends is getting married in a few weeks, so I need to find something to wear to that...something that fits over my newly humongous boobs ( well, they weren't exactly small to begin with...!!!).
I want all the focus to be on the beautiful bride and not on me coz I turned around too fast and took somebody's eye out...!!!
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Day 29 .......... The Dark Blue Line
Day 29 and the pregnancy line was much darker on the test this morning, so yep... still pregnant...!!!
I was wickedly sick today, it was just horrid. I went to work for a bit and was just feeling horrible all day...and then the vomiting started...!!!
So I came home early and slept for a couple of hours, feeling a bit better now.
Its Patrick's birthday tomorrow so I'm just hoping I'm feeling well enough to maybe go out to dinner or lunch or something, although judging by how I've been feeling I doubt I will be up to doing much.
I was wickedly sick today, it was just horrid. I went to work for a bit and was just feeling horrible all day...and then the vomiting started...!!!
So I came home early and slept for a couple of hours, feeling a bit better now.
Its Patrick's birthday tomorrow so I'm just hoping I'm feeling well enough to maybe go out to dinner or lunch or something, although judging by how I've been feeling I doubt I will be up to doing much.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Sibling Rivalry at its best...!!!
Ok so on getting my result this morning, of course I called Liam to tell him. Liam arrived at our house in about 10 minutes. No 'Congratulations', No 'Thats Great News' ....... Oh No......My big brother Liam said
' Have you any more of those sticks...I want to pee on a stick...!!!'
So yes, Liam took the pregnancy test into the bathroom and followed the instructions...(although admittedly had trouble keeping the flow of urine on the tab for 10 seconds...!!!) and then emerges from the bathroom looking very down-trodden at the fact that he is, in fact, not pregnant...!!!
Talk about trying to steal my thunder...!!!
So anyway, I got ready to go into work then and we went out to the car, Liam had his ipod on shuffle and the song which played immediately was 'Sweet Child of Mine' from Guns n' Roses...!!!
So what have we learned today...???
1. I am pregnant.
2 Liam is not pregnant.
3.I have the best friends in the world (Thank you so much for all the lovely messages.xx.)
Day 28 .......... I Couldn't Wait...!!!
Day 28 and I just couldnt wait any longer to test, it was a bit of a risk testing five days early.......but........
The faintest positive line but it is definitely there...!!!
I'm Pregnant...!!!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Day 27 .......... Big Thunder Mountain(s)
Day 27 and no the title is not in any way related to my recently doubled-in-size, crazy painful boobs...!!!
I had really really bad pains at around 3am, they lasted just over an hour and then just stopped. I was convinced that that was the end of it, but I'm still having lots of the same symptoms today that I've been having, along with lots of headaches.
I went in to work for a while again today, and again, fell asleep for a bit when I got home.
I've been having lots of cramps this evening, they almost feel like pre-menstrual cramps, but my next period isn't due til the 17th.
All this waiting and experiencing symptoms and not knowing what they mean..........it is all completely headwrecking...!!!
The whole IVF process is an unbelievable emotional rollercoaster, the waiting, the worrying, the uncertainty. At times it just seems so much, but we are clinging on to whatever hope we can find that whenever this journey ends for us, we will have a precious little baby to hold in our arms.
I had really really bad pains at around 3am, they lasted just over an hour and then just stopped. I was convinced that that was the end of it, but I'm still having lots of the same symptoms today that I've been having, along with lots of headaches.
I went in to work for a while again today, and again, fell asleep for a bit when I got home.
I've been having lots of cramps this evening, they almost feel like pre-menstrual cramps, but my next period isn't due til the 17th.
All this waiting and experiencing symptoms and not knowing what they mean..........it is all completely headwrecking...!!!
The whole IVF process is an unbelievable emotional rollercoaster, the waiting, the worrying, the uncertainty. At times it just seems so much, but we are clinging on to whatever hope we can find that whenever this journey ends for us, we will have a precious little baby to hold in our arms.
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