My babies from the September transfer/October disaster would have been due yesterday and I genuinely thought I was doing ok about it. I did get a bit upset yesterday but wasnt anywhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be............... Until today.............
I bounced into Gordon's Clinic today, feeling really good, the sun was shining and I was really looking forward to the appointment. Gordon commented that he felt I was finally back to myself and said he was really proud of me for getting there. I then told him of the significance of yesterday and how I was doing surprisingly well about it... but it was at this point I found myself unable to make eye contact with him. It was only then that I realised that I really, really wasnt doing so well about it... and I knew that he could see it. It didnt take me long to get to the point of being so choked up I was unable to speak, I have no idea how long I lay there in silence, but at some point Gordon put three needles in my right wrist and forearm, he later informed me that these points are for grief and loss. I eventually began to open up and talk about what I was feeling, although I'm not entirely certain he heard most of what I was saying as I was crying a lot, not openly crying but crying from deep inside me, crying that kept getting caught in my throat and the tears just freely flowed.
I really don't know how long I was lying there, at some point Gordon left the room, when he returned we talked some more about what was going on and I made the comment jokingly that I should probably contact the Guinness Book of Records because I bet there aren't too many people who have lost six babies in the space of nine months.... I then made the comment that most women get to hold one baby inside them for the whole nine months... and of course that set me off again.
Gordon talked about how we are closer to reaching the point of carrying a pregnancy to full term than we ever have been, he said we are just one step away, he said that we have never had the answers that we have now and he reminded me of the progress we have made in the past 11 months.... from dealing with Clinical Intervention and frozen embryos to actually managing to get pregnant naturally, he told me that is a huge step and reminded me that being able to make that amount of progress while going through everything we have been through in that time is just amazing. Of course he is right (but don't tell him I said that ;-) ), we are more informed than we have ever been and the progress has been phenomenol.
At the end of the session, he reminded me of a promise he had made to me a long time ago, he said that he truly believes that I can and will have a healthy pregnancy and carry my baby to full term and he promised me that he would do everything in his power to help me achieve this. He also told me that he would never stop wanting to help me for as long as I was on this journey because that is how strong his belief is that I can have a healthy pregnancy and have a healthy baby at the end of the pregnancy.
I left there feeling a bit confused about how I was feeling and how quickly he was able to bring out my true feelings, I think he sprinkles the room with truth serum or something before I arrive because I never leave there with any feelings hidden and I always do feel better afterwards, usually straight away but I think I need to take a few days this time and allow myself to grieve for those two little angels, one which I lost to ectopic pregnancy and the other which I had to terminate two days later with low dose chemotherapy. I also need to get my head around the thought that this really is the end of an era, the IVF era of our lives. The transfer of those embryos was the last time we set foot inside the Fertility Clinic and now it truly feels like we can close that chapter in our lives. He has asked me to email him on Monday and let him know how I am doing then.
We are going to do this naturally, Gordon believes we can, we believe we can... so the only thing left to do is get fully better and then do it (no pun intended) !
Friday, May 25, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Tomorrow Will Be Better.......
Just when I thought I was turning a corner....... I've been back to work five days now, have met lots of people and have even met three beautiful new babies and somehow managed to hold it all together, but tonight... tonight, I am once again taken by surprise at how quickly and suddenly this grief can strike. I would think by now that I would be used to this, that I would be ready for it whenever it was to strike, but I wasnt and I now truly believe that nobody could ever possibly be ready for this.
It feels almost like a combination of pain, exhaustion and introvertness, except I can block out the pain (except for when it is really bad) and I can handle the tiredness. I am though, unable to vocalise what is going on in my head and in my heart.
Patrick knows I'm feeling 'off-form' tonight, he threads carefully as he is not quite sure what is wrong. What follows is five questions.....
"Are you tired?" "No"
"Are you in a lot of pain?" "No"
"Are you upset?" No response
"Do you want to talk?" I shook my head
"Will I just leave you alone?" I nod
Its really odd, because the last thing I wanted was to be left alone, in fact I wanted him to hold me and tell me that he just knew, and I wanted to cry, I really really wanted to cry... but... he left me alone...why?... because I told him to. In my head, I am then annoyed with him because he left me alone when I am feeling like this even though I know that he is probably as lost as I am right now and he just doesnt know what to do. Also... he has assured me on several occassions that he is actually not a mind reader...!!!
It is all just so strange, because we have been through this so many times and each time we are taken by surprise. When I think of 'Trauma', I think of what other people go through, never what I have been through. But the reality is that I have been through more trauma in the past 5 years, and more predominantly the last two and a half years, than most people will experience in their lifetimes, and unfortunately that takes a toll. It changes how you see things, it prevents you from truly looking forward to a time when things are better and you finally achieve what you have been fighting for.
I have become an expert at 'misleading' people in this regard, I can now quite easily spout off a whole speech about how we can look forward now and close the book on what has happened, we have some answers now and we have a plan and its all great...... we do have answers now, but there is no plan, I am not able to look forward to a 'happier' time, because I am stuck in right now and right now sucks!
When I was with Gordon last Wednesday, he asked me about something I had written in my blog a little while ago. I wrote that when I read back through this blog, it is almost like reading someone else's story. I was attributing this to the medication I was on, but Gordon offered a theory that perhaps it was my mind protecting me from the memory of the trauma I have been through and in a way has blocked it out. This actually makes more sense than my theory, although I imagine it was a combination of both.
When I think about the egg collection procedure and the transfer procedures, it is almost like I am standing in the corner of the room watching what is happening, similar to how we see things in dreams. I do remember everything that has happened and everything that we have been through, but I remember it as if I was watching it happen to someone else. I guess in a sense, I have detached myself from the process and perhaps that is just my way of coping with it.
Writing on this blog is my channel for release, it is where I can be totally honest about what I am feeling and what is really going on within me, and I am especially appreciative of this mode of release at times such as tonight when I have reached the stage where I am beyond the ability to put my thoughts into spoken words. I know I could talk to Patrick, or I could pick up the phone and call a friend, but when I think about doing this... I never know what I will say.......... when I start typing on here... the words just flow and very often when I get to the end of writing a blog post, I have to read back over it because I get so lost in writing.... I dont fully know exactly what I have written.
Once again, I am left reminding myself that it is just a bad evening and maybe tomorrow will be better...... Hopefully tomorrow will be better.......
It feels almost like a combination of pain, exhaustion and introvertness, except I can block out the pain (except for when it is really bad) and I can handle the tiredness. I am though, unable to vocalise what is going on in my head and in my heart.
Patrick knows I'm feeling 'off-form' tonight, he threads carefully as he is not quite sure what is wrong. What follows is five questions.....
"Are you tired?" "No"
"Are you in a lot of pain?" "No"
"Are you upset?" No response
"Do you want to talk?" I shook my head
"Will I just leave you alone?" I nod
Its really odd, because the last thing I wanted was to be left alone, in fact I wanted him to hold me and tell me that he just knew, and I wanted to cry, I really really wanted to cry... but... he left me alone...why?... because I told him to. In my head, I am then annoyed with him because he left me alone when I am feeling like this even though I know that he is probably as lost as I am right now and he just doesnt know what to do. Also... he has assured me on several occassions that he is actually not a mind reader...!!!
It is all just so strange, because we have been through this so many times and each time we are taken by surprise. When I think of 'Trauma', I think of what other people go through, never what I have been through. But the reality is that I have been through more trauma in the past 5 years, and more predominantly the last two and a half years, than most people will experience in their lifetimes, and unfortunately that takes a toll. It changes how you see things, it prevents you from truly looking forward to a time when things are better and you finally achieve what you have been fighting for.
I have become an expert at 'misleading' people in this regard, I can now quite easily spout off a whole speech about how we can look forward now and close the book on what has happened, we have some answers now and we have a plan and its all great...... we do have answers now, but there is no plan, I am not able to look forward to a 'happier' time, because I am stuck in right now and right now sucks!
When I was with Gordon last Wednesday, he asked me about something I had written in my blog a little while ago. I wrote that when I read back through this blog, it is almost like reading someone else's story. I was attributing this to the medication I was on, but Gordon offered a theory that perhaps it was my mind protecting me from the memory of the trauma I have been through and in a way has blocked it out. This actually makes more sense than my theory, although I imagine it was a combination of both.
When I think about the egg collection procedure and the transfer procedures, it is almost like I am standing in the corner of the room watching what is happening, similar to how we see things in dreams. I do remember everything that has happened and everything that we have been through, but I remember it as if I was watching it happen to someone else. I guess in a sense, I have detached myself from the process and perhaps that is just my way of coping with it.
Writing on this blog is my channel for release, it is where I can be totally honest about what I am feeling and what is really going on within me, and I am especially appreciative of this mode of release at times such as tonight when I have reached the stage where I am beyond the ability to put my thoughts into spoken words. I know I could talk to Patrick, or I could pick up the phone and call a friend, but when I think about doing this... I never know what I will say.......... when I start typing on here... the words just flow and very often when I get to the end of writing a blog post, I have to read back over it because I get so lost in writing.... I dont fully know exactly what I have written.
Once again, I am left reminding myself that it is just a bad evening and maybe tomorrow will be better...... Hopefully tomorrow will be better.......
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Healing Needles From Healing Hands
Sooo... its been just over 5 weeks since I had surgery and I am just now finally starting to feel a bit better. About 3 weeks ago, I started getting the most awful, really debilitating migraines. I was getting them every day, they were coming on very early in the morning and lasting 8-9 hours.
After the last visit with Gordon, I really was taking it easy and in all honesty... with the migraines I was getting, I really wasnt able to do anything, just lifting my head off the pillow was a very painful experience.
Patrick called Gordon 2 weeks ago to give him an update on how I am doing and to tell him how bad the migraines had gotten. Gordon then did something that I never would have imagined... he offered to drive up here and treat me at home. I genuinely could not believe that he was willing to do that... but he was... and the following Saturday, Gordon arrived at my house equipped with needles and alcohol swabs. He put needles in my feet and in my face, one in the middle of my forehead and one in either temple. He left them in for about 30 minutes and then removed them. He then told me that he would come back up the following week to treat me again.
After he had taken those needles out... I was physically unable to do anything, the only way I can describe how I was feeling is 'completely zonked'. I fell asleep right after he had left and slept deeply for a few hours... and I slept really really well that night too.
I didnt notice much difference in the frequency and severity of the migraines in the next few days and at one point, the pain got so bad that I actually passed out with it.
Gordon came back up here last Friday and repeated the process he had done the previous Saturday. When he had removed the needles, he produced 'press needles', they look like little thumb tacks. He put two in each foot in the grove between my big toes and my second toes, He then put one on the inside of each ankle. These tacks are to be left in and changed every 48 hours.
Almost immediately I felt my head clear. I was migraine free until Sunday evening (but I was out and about on Sunday, so may have overdone it a bit), We changed the tacks on Sunday evening and once that migraine had cleared, my head didnt bother me again until yesterday, but the severity of yesterday's migraine was a lot milder than what I had been experiencing for the previous 3 weeks.
I guess I just can't believe that he went to that trouble for me... It takes over an hour to drive from Cork to here, but it just goes to show once again, how different this experience has been from our previous experiences. Now, our case is not just a number on a chart to be referenced only on invoices, Gordon Mullins actually cares about his patients and for the past 10 months, he has gone through every step of this journey with us and he is the source of all of our hope.
We went to see Gordon in Cork today and he commented on how much better I was doing, he said that I was beginning to be myself again, and he is right, I am. I am feeling much better and am ready to start getting out again.
As I lay on the table and he was checking my pulses, he said something that really put a lump in my throat. He said 'Well done on coming out the other side', He went on to say that 99.9% of people would most likely have taken the Prozac (which has been almost pushed on me several times since the surgery) but I wouldnt take it. It was amazing to me how willing Dr's were to write perscriptions. I'm sure there have been times over the past 5 weeks where it must have seemed that I was hovering on the borderline of depression... and perhaps I was, it would seem almost natural, taking into account my history and what I have just been through, but to me... I was just having bad days and having been in this situation many, many times before... I know that bad days happen and as time goes on they become less and less frequent.
I always remember what Gordon said to me after my very first visit with him... 'Remember, its just a bad day, And remember its not about the bad day, but how quickly you come out of your bad days, thats the improvement.'
In other news, my cat had three beautiful kittens 10 days ago. Two of them were healthy, but the third was delayed and when she was born, I suppose the mother cat thought she was dead and didnt really bother with her. I had to cut the cord and stimulate her to take her first breathe... which she did. The little one wouldnt latch on to the mother and the mother appeared to have no interest in her at all. We began feeding her with a syringe and she was doing really well. We rang the vet the day after she was born to be told that there is nothing that could be done and we might be best to just 'let her go'... Not on my watch...!!!
We continue to syringe feed the little one every couple of hours and she lasted well for 4 days, but when Patrick checked on her on Thursday morning, she was dead. It is impossible for me to describe how devestated we both were, I guess I dont think we were devestated about the kitten so much as what that kitten represented for us, this tiny little being who depended completely on us. Patrick buried the little one and I genuinely do not think I have ever seen him so upset.
The other two kittens were doing well... until one of them developped kitten flu. We were able to get her a powdered antibiotic but she has also stopped feeding from her mother and we are having to syringe feed her now also. The poor little thing has lost so much weight and is so weak she cant hold her head up. To be honest, we werent really expecting her to still be alive when we got back from Cork today, but she was. She is hanging in there, just barely, it will be an absolute miracle if she pulls through.
So, I'm thinking about venturing into work for a bit tomorrow, so long as the migraines stay away. I feel like I have rested completely for long enough and although I will ease myself back in to my usual hectic schedule, I do feel like it is time for me to start getting out again. I am assured that it is ok for me to do this, so long as I listen to my body and know when enough is enough.
After the last visit with Gordon, I really was taking it easy and in all honesty... with the migraines I was getting, I really wasnt able to do anything, just lifting my head off the pillow was a very painful experience.
Patrick called Gordon 2 weeks ago to give him an update on how I am doing and to tell him how bad the migraines had gotten. Gordon then did something that I never would have imagined... he offered to drive up here and treat me at home. I genuinely could not believe that he was willing to do that... but he was... and the following Saturday, Gordon arrived at my house equipped with needles and alcohol swabs. He put needles in my feet and in my face, one in the middle of my forehead and one in either temple. He left them in for about 30 minutes and then removed them. He then told me that he would come back up the following week to treat me again.
After he had taken those needles out... I was physically unable to do anything, the only way I can describe how I was feeling is 'completely zonked'. I fell asleep right after he had left and slept deeply for a few hours... and I slept really really well that night too.
I didnt notice much difference in the frequency and severity of the migraines in the next few days and at one point, the pain got so bad that I actually passed out with it.
Gordon came back up here last Friday and repeated the process he had done the previous Saturday. When he had removed the needles, he produced 'press needles', they look like little thumb tacks. He put two in each foot in the grove between my big toes and my second toes, He then put one on the inside of each ankle. These tacks are to be left in and changed every 48 hours.
Almost immediately I felt my head clear. I was migraine free until Sunday evening (but I was out and about on Sunday, so may have overdone it a bit), We changed the tacks on Sunday evening and once that migraine had cleared, my head didnt bother me again until yesterday, but the severity of yesterday's migraine was a lot milder than what I had been experiencing for the previous 3 weeks.
I guess I just can't believe that he went to that trouble for me... It takes over an hour to drive from Cork to here, but it just goes to show once again, how different this experience has been from our previous experiences. Now, our case is not just a number on a chart to be referenced only on invoices, Gordon Mullins actually cares about his patients and for the past 10 months, he has gone through every step of this journey with us and he is the source of all of our hope.
We went to see Gordon in Cork today and he commented on how much better I was doing, he said that I was beginning to be myself again, and he is right, I am. I am feeling much better and am ready to start getting out again.
As I lay on the table and he was checking my pulses, he said something that really put a lump in my throat. He said 'Well done on coming out the other side', He went on to say that 99.9% of people would most likely have taken the Prozac (which has been almost pushed on me several times since the surgery) but I wouldnt take it. It was amazing to me how willing Dr's were to write perscriptions. I'm sure there have been times over the past 5 weeks where it must have seemed that I was hovering on the borderline of depression... and perhaps I was, it would seem almost natural, taking into account my history and what I have just been through, but to me... I was just having bad days and having been in this situation many, many times before... I know that bad days happen and as time goes on they become less and less frequent.
I always remember what Gordon said to me after my very first visit with him... 'Remember, its just a bad day, And remember its not about the bad day, but how quickly you come out of your bad days, thats the improvement.'
In other news, my cat had three beautiful kittens 10 days ago. Two of them were healthy, but the third was delayed and when she was born, I suppose the mother cat thought she was dead and didnt really bother with her. I had to cut the cord and stimulate her to take her first breathe... which she did. The little one wouldnt latch on to the mother and the mother appeared to have no interest in her at all. We began feeding her with a syringe and she was doing really well. We rang the vet the day after she was born to be told that there is nothing that could be done and we might be best to just 'let her go'... Not on my watch...!!!
We continue to syringe feed the little one every couple of hours and she lasted well for 4 days, but when Patrick checked on her on Thursday morning, she was dead. It is impossible for me to describe how devestated we both were, I guess I dont think we were devestated about the kitten so much as what that kitten represented for us, this tiny little being who depended completely on us. Patrick buried the little one and I genuinely do not think I have ever seen him so upset.
The other two kittens were doing well... until one of them developped kitten flu. We were able to get her a powdered antibiotic but she has also stopped feeding from her mother and we are having to syringe feed her now also. The poor little thing has lost so much weight and is so weak she cant hold her head up. To be honest, we werent really expecting her to still be alive when we got back from Cork today, but she was. She is hanging in there, just barely, it will be an absolute miracle if she pulls through.
So, I'm thinking about venturing into work for a bit tomorrow, so long as the migraines stay away. I feel like I have rested completely for long enough and although I will ease myself back in to my usual hectic schedule, I do feel like it is time for me to start getting out again. I am assured that it is ok for me to do this, so long as I listen to my body and know when enough is enough.
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