Enter Lulu.xx.

Yeah...so we got a puppy...!!!

I know all you Psychologists out there (both qualified and amateur) are probably screaming at the computer screen right now...!!!

I was having a really crappy day yesterday, which was spent between crying and and making my fingers raw, cleaning things that were already clean, oh yeah and much of that time was spent doing both.

So, about 7:30 yesterday evening we decided 'lets get a puppy', I think we were both so relieved at the thought of getting something that was going to distract us, even temporarily, from the constant pain and sense of loss that we are feeling.............and Lulu.....well, she has done just that.

She is the cutest, most affectionate little thing, she is just beautiful.

I did have about half an hour of feeling unbelievably guilty this evening, I felt so guilty that maybe I was trying to replace the baby we just lost with this beautiful little puppy, but in truth, that isnt the case at all.
She is just something that can make me forget my pain from time to time, something that makes me unable to not smile when I look at her because she is just so cute and she gives me lots of kisses and cuddles, so hey...that cant be a bad thing...!!!

And yeah..I am not denying that she will probably be the most spoiled puppy in the world...but we both have so much love to share right now, so we may as well share it with her until the time comes for us to go back to the Clinic to try again.

I Just Don't Get It

I really just dont understand how this could have happened.
We have had so many tests to make sure there is nothing wrong with me, we went through the gruelling process of egg collection and the selection of the best quality eggs, the Clinic lab technicians selected the best quality sperm.
They injected the best quality sperm into the best quality egg, to ensure best quality fertilisation, which resulted in an embryo and then a blastocyst of the best quality, which was then cyropreserved and survived the thawing process with no problems because it was of such good quality.
The Embryo Transfer went off without a hitch and the Embryo implanted days before it was expected to, because my womb lining was so think because of the hormones I had been taking for weeks.
I tested positive six days before it was expected to show up on a home pregnancy test.

So...where did it all go wrong...???

"Its just one of those things", I swear, if I hear that once more...how can something be 'just one of those things'? Its something that just happens...........but how can this 'just happen'? We took every precaution, every thing was in place.

We thought that the last place where it could have gone wrong was if the embryo didnt attach to the womb lining, which would have resulted in a negative pregnancy test, but it did attach and six positive pregnancy tests later, we let ourselves relax and actually believe that our time had finally come, that we were actually going to be parents. We had so many delightful moments of disbelief when we had to just remind eachother that it was actually happening, that I was actually carrying our baby. We giggled so much, it was like all our Christmasses had come at once, it was everything we ever wanted.

Suddenly all the things that used to seem 'big' to us, became so not important, the trip we had planned to New York later in the year, well lets not bother with that because we could spend that money on beautiful nursery furniture, I'm not going to buy the new Radley handbag that I wanted, because OMG, Have you seen the Radley baby changing bags, those are the cutest ever, I'm definitely going to get one of those instead!, The things that we wanted became so irrelevant because we had everything that we ever wanted right there inside my womb.

And then, in the blink of an eye, it was all taken away from us and I just can't understand it, I need a logical explanation for it and there just isn't one.

People keep saying to me 'Oh, it wasn't to be', well, I'd love to know exactly how it 'wasn't to be', am I supposed to just accept that?

It took us nine months of treatment to get to the stage where we could see those two beautiful lines on the first pregnancy test, nine months of stress and strain caused by the physical, emotional and financial demands of the IVF process, and what do we have to show at the end of it...???

Nothing, absolutely nothing (apart from an unhealthy-looking bank account and an emptiness that we are never going to be able to fill...!!!).

Weird .......... Or What ..........???

I came across this picture last night, when I was tagging some pictures on Facebook. This picture is from our wedding day, the 9th of August, 2008.

Note the orb of light on the womb of that statue..........not too strange, right? orbs often appear in photos.

Except........that orb appeared in the same place on that statue in three different pictures, taken from three different cameras, by three different people.

Weird, or What...???

Cruel, Cruel Games...!!!

The pains started yesterday afternoon and really were quite mild, but around 6:30 yesterday evening the contractions started to get really strong and were coming about every six minutes.
I was adament that I was not going to the hospital, so instead I rang the Caredoc and got an appointment for 9pm.
We had to go to Tipperary town as there was no Dr. in Cashel at the time, but Tipp town is only about 20 mins away.

We arrived just before 9pm, I was doubled over in pain by this time but I explained to the Dr. that I did not want to go to the hospital, I really just wanted something to help with the pain and if it got worse or I started bleeding very heavily, I would go straight to the hospital.

The Dr. agreed, as I wasnt actually bleeding at all at this stage. He gave me an injection of morphine, which kicked in after just a few minutes and I got instant relief. I could still feel tightness with the contractions, but could feel no pain. The Dr. also gave me some tablets which are basically the same as what was in the injection, but just in tablet form.

We came home then, and I got absolutely no sleep at all last night, I'm not sure whether it was the morphine, or the contractions or the fact that I was conscious that my body was simulating active labour and in my mind, it just wasnt fair that I would have to go through all of that and not have a beautiful baby to hold at the end of it. Life really can play cruel games at times.

Ive been absolutely wrecked all day, kinda dozing a bit most of the day. The pains arent too bad today, the morphine is keeping on top of it and although I am aware of the pain, it is bearable. The bleeding has started too, but it is quite light yet.

I am both emotionally and physically drained, so here's hoping I actually manage to get some sleep tonight.

Ok, So Here's The Story......

I called the Clinic in Cork on Tuesday morning and explained the situation to them. The nurse told me to come down straight away and they would do a scan and run some tests to see how everything is going.

We got the the Clinic around 11:15 and they saw us straight away. The nurse did an internal scan first to see what was going on in my womb, it was very unclear.

The nurse then said that she wanted me to do a urine pregnancy test, which I did. Initially it wasnt showing anything and that was the initial heart break. The nurse then asked if we wanted to meet with Dr. Wiergandt, one of the consultants, so we did.

We went across the corridor to meet him in one of the consultation rooms. A few seconds later the nurse came back in and asked the Dr if she could see him outside the room for a minute. About three minutes later, both the nurse and the Dr came back in to the room, the pregnancy test had turned positive, but the line was faint. This provided a very faint bit of hope for us. I was definitely still pregnant.

Unsure about what was happening, she suggested that we go across the road to the Bons Hospital and have a blood test done to check the level of pregnancy hormones, in a naturally progressing pregnancy the HCG hormone level will double about every 2-3 days.

We went across to have the test and the results only took about 20 minutes to come back. The hormone level had dropped from 101.7 on Sunday to 20.4 on Tuesday, the pregnancy was fading and it was fading fast.
We had a couple of options, we could go and have a procedure to have the contents of my womb removed or we could go home and let everything happen naturally.

I just wanted to go home, I couldnt handle the thought of going through an anasthetic and just waking up 'not pregnant anymore' again, I wanted everything to happen naturally.

So basically, when the hormone level drops to almost nothing, my cervix will start to open and my body will start to expel everything in my womb. This could take anything from 10-14 days and throughout that time, I will be bleeding heavily and it could be quite painful.

These pains started last night and are continuing today, although I havent actually started bleeding yet, but I'm sure it wont be too much longer before that starts too.

Patrick is taking it very hard, much harder than any of the previous losses we have suffered. It has been such a long process to get to the stage where we could actually say that 'we're having a baby', and gosh were we excited. Patrick was in the middle of painting the nursery and I had even ordered the perfect curtains for the perfect baby's room, we were so looking forward to being parents.

But, once again, our dream has been ripped from us. We had 6 wonderful weeks of being pregnant, 21 fantastic days of knowing that our baby was in my womb, 13 of the most superb days knowing that our baby had attached and was growing in my womb and now we are left with a life time of knowing that, once again, our little one has been robbed from our clutches, we were so close, just so so close.

It just isnt fair!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'll post details later or in a few days, but for now the news is that the hormone levels are dropping very fast, which means that the embryo is dying and there is nothing anyone can do.

Once the levels drop below a certain level, which will probably happen this evening or early tomorrow, my cervix will open and I will start bleeding very heavily, this will be my body expelling the embryo, the placenta and the womb lining.

The Health System in this Country...!!!

I started bleeding again last night, so we left for the hospital and arrived there at around midnight.

We had to wait in the maternity visiting room for a bit, while we were waiting for the Dr to arrive.
So, after about 15 minutes some guy comes in with a packet of cigarettes in his hand 'Mind if I smoke?'

eh........this is a maternity ward and I am pregnant, of course I bloody mind if you smoke...!!!

I got up and let the room and after a few minutes of waiting in the corridor, one of the nurses came and called me.

The bleeding had settled down a bit by this stage, but they decided to keep me in anyway just to be safe.

So, I was put into a ward with two mad oul biddies who kept shouting out in their sleep...!!!

This morning the Dr.s came around and said that they should have the results back by around 2pm.
I honestly thought 2pm was never going to come around, but it did and it passed.

I called Patrick and told him to come down, that we should have the results in the next few minutes.

Patrick arrived around 3pm and still no sign of the results. We waited for about 45 minutes and then a nurse came in to tell us that they have the blood results from Sunday but were still waiting for the results from Friday to compare them and see what the progression was.
I asked her what the HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels on Sunday were and she told me they were 101.7, which is a bit lower than average but is still within the normal range for the time frame. She told me that it would be about another 30 minutes before they would have Friday's results.

That was about all I could take, I broke down and cried, I just couldnt handle any more waiting and not knowing...!!!

About 50 minutes later, another nurse came in and said that the Dr. wanted to do another scan.

While I was on the scanning table, with the probe shoved up my you-know-what, another nurse broke the news to us that they had not been able to locate the results from Friday. She said she had been on the phone to the lab in Waterford and they had no record of them, she then said that she called the lab in the Hospital in Clonmel and they were unable to locate them.

So basically right now, we dont have a bloody clue what is going on...!!!

The nurse then told us that I would have to come back tomorrow to have more bloods taken, which would then be sent away and we would have the results on Wednesday evening which they would compare with the results of the bloods from Sunday to see what the progression is like!

NO BLOODY WAY...!!!

I told her that I will go to Cork in the morning and they will take the bloods and have the results back for me within an hour.

I am so drained and fed up right now, it is the hardest thing in the world not knowing whether my baby is growing inside me or not, I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take...

Playing This Waiting Game...!!!

I have had no more pain or bleeding since 10pm on Friday night, although that hasnt stopped me running to the loo every 5 minutes just to make sure. I've even stopped myself from sneezing on several occassions for fear that sneezing will cause me to start bleeding again.

We went down to the hospital this morning to have some more bloods taken, and of course all of my veins decided to hide. So after a few minutes of playing 'stick the needle into the patient' the nurse decided that the only place to get it would be the main vein on the inside of my wrist..........the exact same place that was bruised because the canula was put in there on Friday.....so yeah, that hurt a bit...!!!

Anyway, she eventually got the blood that she needed and said that they would ring me tomorrow at 4pm, when the results come back and hopefully the hormones will have increased since Friday.

So, for now I am waiting anxiously, I keep talking to my little one, telling him/her to 'hang in there'.
I've had some visitors today, so that was really nice and apart from that I have just been resting on the couch with my feet up...(oh yeah, and running to the loo every five minutes...just to be sure...!!!)
.
Having all of my loyal readers thinking positive has worked so far along this journey, so everybody ..........

Think 'Hormonal'

.xx.

Threatened Miscarriage

Ok so Thursday evening I had some cramping and shooting pains in my lower abdomen, which I just passed off as a tummy bug as Liam had been sick with a bug.

Yesterday lunchtime I had really bad pains and when I went to the bathroom, I was bleeding very very heavily. I called the Clinic in Cork and they told me to go to the nearest maternity unit as soon as possible.

We went to Clonmel straight away and the silence in the car on the way there was just deafening. We were both so convinced that I was miscarrying, we couldn't speak.

By the time we got to Clonmel I was losing a lot of blood.

They took me to the gynae emergency room and did an internal scan but I was bleeding too much, they couldnt see anything on the scan.

The Dr. then did a speculum exam (holy crap...that thing never gets easier...the pain of it...!!!), which showed that the cervix was still closed.

The Dr. then informed us that I was experiencing a threatened miscarriage which could go either way, they took some bloods and said that they would repeat the blood test on Sunday to compare the hormone levels, which will tell us whether the baby is alive or not and if he/she is alive, whether the pregnancy is progressing or whether the baby has stopped growing.

We will have the results of both tests on Monday.

So, they kept me in hospital last night, gave me some pethidine for the pain (which I was assured several times, would not have any effect on the baby or the pregnancy). The bleeding got less and less and eventually stopped around 10 pm and hasn't started again since.
The pain also settled last night, apart from a few twinges but I have been feeling those ever since the embryo transfer so I am not worried about those.

For now, I have just gotten home and am on complete bedrest with my feet up, we will go back to the hospital tomorrow for the blood tests and if all is ok, I will be on bedrest for a few weeks until we are out of the danger zone.

People keep asking how I am feeling and the honest answer is that I really don't know. I am completely on auto-pilot. We are hoping for the best, but we are so aware and conscious of my history of miscarriages, that subconsciously I think we are both preparing ourselves for yet more bad news, while holding onto any tiny bit of hope that our little baby will fight to hold on. We feel that he/she has defied all of the odds this far,that maybe, just maybe he/she will pull through this obstacle too.

We will never forget the day the Queen of England came to Cashel...!!!

5 Weeks and I'm Loving it...!!!

5 Weeks and I have just been completely wiped out the past 2 days, I couldnt even make it out of bed this morning, never mind even think about getting into work.

So, we're currently in week 5 and apparantly our baby's heart should be developped and beating by Thursday.

I spoke to the Clinic yesterday and we have our first scan on Thursday the 26th at 12:45, exactly a year to the hour of when I sat in my Gynaecologist's office to be told 'Natural Pregnancy, it is never going to happen'.

What a year it has been, and what a complete and utter train wreck of emotional instability. It does seem though that as soon as we saw that first faint positive line, all of the emotions and stresses and the completely draining physical demands of the past year just completely dissolved.

So, for now we are putting the past behind us and although we will never forget, we are focussing all of our energies on the little person who is growing inside me, the person who we love so much already and although we just can't wait to meet him or her, I am just loving being pregnant (yes, even the sickness) and am so looking forward to the next 7ish months.xx.

Day 33 .......... D-Day Tomorrow....(Well...Officially...!!!)

Day 33 and my connection was too crappy to allow me to post last night (probably because the Eurovision was on and everybody had to post to facebook about it...!!!).

We went to Limerick yesterday and I didnt actually manage to find something to wear to the wedding, well I found a few nice dresses, but the queue for the dressing rooms was so long, I just couldnt be bothered queueing, especially when I was feeling so crap.

I was having a lot of stretching pains in my lower abdomen yesterday and those have continued today, along with some like serious overwhelming tiredness, causing me to nap for at least an hour a day.

So...at a count...I have taken 6 pregnancy tests, 2 of them digital and every single one of them positive...!!!
Pretty good going...considering I really wasn't supposed to test til tomorrow.

I will call the clinic again tomorrow and they will give me a date for my first scan, which will tell me how many bambinos are in my womb (even though they only implanted one blastocyst, it was of very good quality and there is a chance that it could have split in two).

The night time sickness seems to have settled down a bit for the last two nights and apart from a few bouts of quesiness during the day, the sickness really hasnt been too bad for the last 2 days.
I have however, been suffering with headaches a bit more than usual.

So, am looking forward to getting in touch with the clinic tomorrow and sharing our good news, for now though, I am going to relax on the couch with a class of juice and my wonderful husband.xx.

Day 30 .......... Til Someone Loses an Eye...!!!

Day 30 and I'm feeling really good today.

Still been quite sick but I think I am getting used to the sickness...and hey...if I wasn't sick...I'd probably think there is something wrong...!!!

I had a really nice day at work and Patrick and I went out to lunch for his birthday...but of course, when we got to the restaurant...I just couldnt eat anything, I did however manage two cartons of apple juice.

So, am looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend and maybe some shopping tomorrow.

One of my friends is getting married in a few weeks, so I need to find something to wear to that...something that fits over my newly humongous boobs ( well, they weren't exactly small to begin with...!!!).

I want all the focus to be on the beautiful bride and not on me coz I turned around too fast and took somebody's eye out...!!!

Day 29 .......... The Dark Blue Line

Day 29 and the pregnancy line was much darker on the test this morning, so yep... still pregnant...!!!

I was wickedly sick today, it was just horrid. I went to work for a bit and was just feeling horrible all day...and then the vomiting started...!!!

So I came home early and slept for a couple of hours, feeling a bit better now.

Its Patrick's birthday tomorrow so I'm just hoping I'm feeling well enough to maybe go out to dinner or lunch or something, although judging by how I've been feeling I doubt I will be up to doing much.

Sibling Rivalry at its best...!!!

Ok so on getting my result this morning, of course I called Liam to tell him. Liam arrived at our house in about 10 minutes. No 'Congratulations', No 'Thats Great News' ....... Oh No......My big brother Liam said

' Have you any more of those sticks...I want to pee on a stick...!!!'

So yes, Liam took the pregnancy test into the bathroom and followed the instructions...(although admittedly had trouble keeping the flow of urine on the tab for 10 seconds...!!!) and then emerges from the bathroom looking very down-trodden at the fact that he is, in fact, not pregnant...!!!

Talk about trying to steal my thunder...!!!

So anyway, I got ready to go into work then and we went out to the car, Liam had his ipod on shuffle and the song which played immediately was 'Sweet Child of Mine' from Guns n' Roses...!!!

So what have we learned today...???

1. I am pregnant.

2 Liam is not pregnant.

3.I have the best friends in the world (Thank you so much for all the lovely messages.xx.)

Day 28 .......... I Couldn't Wait...!!!

Day 28 and I just couldnt wait any longer to test, it was a bit of a risk testing five days early.......but........

The faintest positive line but it is definitely there...!!!

I'm Pregnant...!!!

Day 27 .......... Big Thunder Mountain(s)

Day 27 and no the title is not in any way related to my recently doubled-in-size, crazy painful boobs...!!!

I had really really bad pains at around 3am, they lasted just over an hour and then just stopped. I was convinced that that was the end of it, but I'm still having lots of the same symptoms today that I've been having, along with lots of headaches.

I went in to work for a while again today, and again, fell asleep for a bit when I got home.

I've been having lots of cramps this evening, they almost feel like pre-menstrual cramps, but my next period isn't due til the 17th.

All this waiting and experiencing symptoms and not knowing what they mean..........it is all completely headwrecking...!!!

The whole IVF process is an unbelievable emotional rollercoaster, the waiting, the worrying, the uncertainty. At times it just seems so much, but we are clinging on to whatever hope we can find that whenever this journey ends for us, we will have a precious little baby to hold in our arms.

Day 26 .......... Bowling Balls...!!!

Day 26 and I didn't sleep well last night, got very little sleep actually. I went into work this morning and ended up staying there til 3:30, I wasnt doing anything much, just some light paperwork (oh and lots of talking...!!!). I was, however, completely exhausted by the time I got home and have slept until now.
Just hope I'm able to sleep tonight now...!!!

The nausea was really really bad today, I was getting waves of it every few minutes it was just horrid.

I didn't have much pain, just some minor lower-abdominal cramping today.

My breasts have started to become very sore and swollen, I feel like I have 2 bowling balls (minus the finger holes ) hanging on the front of my chest...!!! (Ok Guys.......Stop picturing that NOW)

So, 'D' Day is only a week away now...xx.

Day 25 .......... 5 Days Post-Transfer

Day 25 and I got out of the house for a bit today. We went in to town for some lunch and to do some shopping. It was nice to get out of the house, but gosh, I was wrecked by the time we got home.

I am feeling a lot of lower abdominal pressure today.

So, we're at Day 5 post-transfer, 8 days to go...although I have to admit, I am itching to test sooner than the 16th, I know I really should wait but gosh, it is oh so difficult...!!!

I feel like I might go into work tomorrow for an hour or so, just to get out of the house for a bit,obviously I wont be driving because I am still experiencing regular dizzy spells, but Patrick is still off of work with his ankle so he will be able to drive me into work for a bit.

Day 24 .......... Fussy Little Fecker...!!!

Day 24 and I am just completely wiped out, I managed to get up for a bit today but not for long.

Liam thought it might be nice if we went out for dinner, a lovely idea...but not a hope in hell my body was going to let me do that.
Patrick went out with Liam and a few friends, so he should be home shortly enough.

I was absolutely certain that I wanted some green tea earlier, so I made some........ but as soon as I got the smell of it, I was hit by a wave of nausea.

I tell ya this baby is a fussy little fecker...!!!

Everyone keeps sympathising with my pain and sickness, but I really don't mind it too much, every twinge or bout of nausea is just my baby's way of telling me that he/she is still there.

Day 23 .......... Not Much Change

Day 23 and I was very sick last night, but have not been sick so far today. Am still very tired all the time and crampy and headachy, but apart from that......not much progress since yesterday.

Still feeling very positive about everything as I am feeling exactly the same as I did the last time I was pregnant, even my gums are annoying me...!!!

I've completed my three days of complete bed-rest now, so will try and get up a bit tomorrow and progressively more over the next few days and hopefully that will make the time go a bit faster until we can test.

Day 22 .......... Day Time TV

Day 22 and I am completely wiped out...!!!

I'm feeling very very tired, but not sleepy. The cramps are worse today too, accompanied by a feeling of pressure in my lower abdomen and I keep getting a light-headed, almost dizzy feeling.

I feel like I need to go to the loo every 30 minutes.

The headaches are pretty bad today too, and Patrick thought maybe I should take some paracetamol (which apparantly is safe to take), but I just couldn't. I'd prefer to put up with the pain because if I took something, I would never stop blaming myself if the test comes back negative on the 16th.

I've pretty much had about all the Day-time TV that I can sanely handle, Thank God for the Internet...!!! 

Day 22 .......... Day Time TV

Day 22 and I am completely wiped out...!!!

I'm feeling very very tired, but not sleepy. The cramps are worse today too, accompanied by a feeling of pressure in my lower abdomen and I keep getting a light-headed, almost dizzy feeling.

I feel like I need to go to the loo every 30 minutes.

The headaches are pretty bad today too, and Patrick thought maybe I should take some paracetamol (which apparantly is safe to take), but I just couldn't. I'd prefer to put up with the pain because if I took something, I would never stop blaming myself if the test comes back negative on the 16th.

I've pretty much had about all the Day-time TV that I can sanely handle, Thank God for the Internet...!!! 

Day 21 ..........So Bad, Its Good...!!!

Day 21 and I am very sore, but feeling very positive.

Headaches ... check, cramping ... check, being so tired I feel like I've been hit by a bus ... check, having pulling feelings and twinges in my abdomen ... check...!!!

All the symptoms are as they should be, painful and uncomfortable but easier to bear with the knowledge that it is our baby in my womb that is causing the symptoms.
I am experiencing all the signs of early pregnancy, exactly as I should be, and difficult as it is to cope with, every twinge makes me smile.

Ok...so...maybe a bit hasty........but I checked what my due date will be.............the 19th of January ...... which is my Dad's anniversary, perhaps a coincidence, perhaps a sign, either way...it made me smile.

I have lots of internal bruising from yesterday's procedure, but hopefully that will ease after a few more days.

Now...my body is telling me that I need to doze off for a bit....so...nighty night.xx.

Day 20 ..........Successful Transfer...!!!

Day 20 and I got pretty much no sleep lastnight, I was just really anxious about today.

I got up early and headed into work for a bit, just to pass the time.

I couldn't wait til 10:30 though, I rang the clinic at 10:10 and was put through to the lab. At that stage, they were able to tell me that the embryo had been thawed and had survived the thawing process. At that point, it hadn't started to swell yet, so they were going to leave it about another 30 minutes and if it did not start to swell at that point, they would thaw another embryo. Fortunately the embryo did start to swell a few minutes later and was looking very very healthy.

We headed down to the Clinic and got there just after 12, had to wait about 10 minutes and then we both got gowned up and went down to one of the recovery rooms. We had to sign some more consents and got to talk with the embryologist for a bit. Then we went in to the operating theatre. The Dr. did some scans first to make sure everything was ok and to ensure that no cysts had appeared in the past week.

Then the Dr inserted this big metal speculum thing.....Holy Mother Of Christ..............the size of it...!!!!! That was bad enough...but once it was in place he made it expand............the pain, oh Jesus, the pain...!!!

He then informs me that it will have to stay in place for about 15 minutes while the embryo is being loaded into the catheter. Eventually the lab technician arrived with the loaded catheter and they checked like 10 times to make sure it was the correct embryo ....ie...that it was actually belonging to Patrick and I..!!!

During the actual transfer I only felt a little pinch and it was over very quickly. The removal of that speculum hurt really bad as well, but it didnt take long.

We had to wait around for a bit but we got back on the road quickly and I've been on the couch ever since.

Moving around is very painful and Patrick is being an absolute star. I slept for about 2 hours when I got home. I have to have complete bedrest for 3 days and then take it very easy for the rest of the 14 day period.

We have to test on the 16th to see if the embryo has successfully attached to the womb (I'm having lots of cramps...so that is a good sign)..................so 13 sleeps to go :)

Day 19 ..........It's Only A Day A-Way ..........

Day 19 and we're almost there.

I've tried not to really think about it all day, but I am beginning to find it difficult to ignore the butterflies that are dancing treble jigs in my tummy...!!!

I've been in kinda crappy form all day and have been feeling a lot of pressure in my lower abdomen.

Gosh, its hard to believe that the time is almost here, although it really shouldnt be hard to believe as I have received 16 messages today saying " One More Sleep", Those made me smile.

So.. I had a bit of a panic this morning when I realised that Patrick wont be able to drive me home from the Clinic tomorrow because of his broken foot, and I wont be able to drive after the Transfer. I was getting myself into a state about it, until Patrick reminded me of the many many friends I have (sometimes I do forget...!!!), and in the end my brother Liam said that he would be able to move some classes around and he would bring us to Cork and then bring us home again afterwards.
I had suggested that maybe we should just book into a hotel for tomorrow night, forgetting of course that Patrick is going back to the hospital about his ankle early on Wednesday morning.

I suppose...up til a few hours ago, I hadn't really considered the possibility of our blastocyst not surviving the thawing process, but now I am absolutely dreading making that phone call tomorrow morning.
I suppose I just feel like there must be something we can do to increase the chances...but in reality...there is absolutely nothing we can do that is going to make any difference to the outcome of tomorrow's thawing process.

I was thinking I would get an early night tonight, but I think there is little chance of me getting much sleep.

Regardless of what happens tomorrow, Patrick and I want to express our heart-felt gratitude and appreciation for all the support we have received to date. All the messages of support we have received from people we haven't seen in years, and the thousands of messages we receive from strangers all over the world, but most of all to our families and our many fantastic friends who have supported us no end throughout our journey to date.............and also...apologies to anyone I may have upset or offended over the past few weeks..........it wasn't intentional....it was the hormones...!!!

Thank you all so much.xx.

Day 18 ................ Fish, Meringues and Sulphur Lollipops

Day 18 and I woke up at 6am with the most horrific headache. It was very similar to a migraine-type pain, but without the other migraine symptoms. It was just awful and it took ages for it to go away, I had it for a good 7 hours and then I have just been feeling horrid and nauseous all day.

So, I was laying on the couch, doing some work on the laptop, feeling just horrible and craving meringues (which we didnt have)............when Patrick decided to light the fire...........The smell of the sulphur from the matches...OMG it was fabulous....and yes, you can probably guess what I did next.............straight into my gob, sulphur end first and oh gosh did it taste just fabulous...and the nausea just like...disappeared...!!!

So...it looks like a diet of fish, meringues and matches for the foreseeable future...!!!

It just hit me about an hour ago that today is Sunday, tomorrow is Monday and then like its just the day after that......Two More Sleeps...!!!