Some Lovely Poems...Really Says It All.xx.

A friend sent me these this morning and I just wanted to share...

Angel of my Tears

How do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there's nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life

and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it's done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
~Author Unknown.

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here.

He took a breath

and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but I got chosen by dear God and
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
before I was set free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.

2011.......

This time last year, after what I thought was the worst year ever...I put the folllowing as my Facebook status...

"For the past 2 years on New Year's Eve, I have said the next year just has to be better than

the last...........I was wrong both times.... so 2011..........do your worst, I'm ready for ya...!!!"

Boy.....was I wrong...!!!

2011 has been a year of loss, of illness, of grief, of despair, of heartbreak. It's been 12 months of tragic occurances, each one more soul destroying than the last.

As we see out the end of 2011, we find ourselves in a Limbo of sorts. We both still want children so badly, but we are both so painfully aware of the fact that no matter which road we take on the journey from here to parenthood....it is not going to be easy, and we know that we risk enduring more of the same in the process.

The pain and grief of losing seven babies, and more prominently the five that we have lost in 2011, will always be there, but it seems to have become something that words cannot do justice to anymore. It's like it's just there, it's always there and we know it is. It has become a part of who we are and when we see new babies or pregnant women, or when we see storylines on TV about characters losing babies....... I shed silent tears which run down my face and Patrick goes quiet and picks at the skin on his hands. We don't vocalise how much it hurts anymore...because we don't need to...we both know and we both know that words could never describe that pain.

And when that moment has passed and my tears have fallen and Patrick has picked that piece of skin off his hands...we share a glance and we take eachother's hand... because....... we just know.

For 2012... we haven't made any plans (apart from a fabulous trip to Florida and a Caribbean cruise), we are not able to plan forward anymore so when we get back from our holiday...we are going to take things day by day and just see what happens.

So...whether you spend the last minutes of 2011 in a crowded pub, or just with close friends or family, or perhaps just with one special person, I hope you take a moment to accept a heartfelt 'Thank you' from me, because although I may not know you and we may never have met...the fact that you are reading this makes you one of the positive aspects of my 2011.

Have a Wonderful New Year's Eve and all the very best for 2012.xx.

(Oh...and if 2011 has taught me anything.....it's never EVER challenge destiny.......

That bitch takes no prisoners...!!!)

Merry Christmas (Well...Kinda...!!!)

So...the Christmas Eve madness seems to have settled a bit (Thank God), all the presents are wrapped and ready and my final task for this evening was to post a Merry Christmas message to everyone who reads this blog.

I kinda felt that I would just post a brief feel-good message so as not to dampen the generic 'good spirits' of the season, but I have just been reminded of the original purpose an reason for starting this blog in the first place...to be true to myself and express truthfully, honestly and openly how things really are...and if truth be told.......... I usually absolutely love Christmas and everything that comes with it...but this year.... I am hating every second of it because every little thing reminds me of the hell that this year has been and how it all should be so different.

Christmas shopping (anyone who knows me...knows that I live for shopping...!!!)...but this year...all I saw was people yelling at their kids, stressed out parents getting cross with their kids for being too excited while they rush around the shopping centre trying to pick up the last minute must-haves, people dragging their kids through grocery stores, Families queuing impatiently at Santa grottos and then aggrevated parents getting annoyed with their little ones because after they have queued for so long, the little darlings decide that they were actually afraid of the man in red and didnt want to go and see him after all.
Two weeks ago we went shopping in the Crescent Shopping Centre in Limerick and after an hour, I told Patrick that I just wanted to go home. I didnt see the joy in Christmas shopping and choosing gifts for people this year (I'm not saying it wasnt there...just I was unable to see it), I couldnt enjoy it, it was a chore...something I had to do rather than something I wanted to do.

Christmas decorations.....well Patrick took them down from the attic at the beginning of December...and well...they are still in boxes...I just havent been able to bring myself to put them up, I'm not really sure why...but something stops me everytime I think about doing it.
Again...decorating the house is something that I usually love to do, something I look forward to doing and I usually hate when January arrives and it is time to take down the decorations...but this year...again, it seems like a chore and I just cannot bring myself to open those boxes and decorate the house.

We went shopping this morning with the intent of me picking something that I want for Christmas from Patrick. I usually have a list of things that I want...but this year...it wasnt that I couldnt think of something that I wanted...I genuinely did not want anything. Everything just seemed so material to me.
Patrick pointed out lots of nice sparkly things...things that I usually would have just had to have...but today...I just felt like...yes, those are very pretty and yes, they will make me happy for about 5 minutes...but then the initial feeling is gone and they will just be yet another material thing that will, in truth, mean nothing in the greater scheme of things.

I know I'm sounding like a proper Grinch now, but I just cannot bring myself to get into the spirit of joy and happiness this year and this is both brought on and compounded by one main contributing factor;
I thought I was doing really well...and finally starting to cope with all that has happened but there was one factor that I didnt really ever consider...On the three occassions this year that I have been pregnant...I shared similar due-dates with several people that I know... friends, people I know through work...etc... even though I see these people on a weekly basis and have seen their pregnancies grow and develop...I guess it kinda slipped my mind that they will have their babies to hold at the end of their pregnancies.
According to my iphone app (which has recently started giving me weekly updates on how my 'pregnancy' is progressing...!!!)... from my April transfer...I would now be just over 36 weeks pregnant... I know 4 people who got pregnant right around the same time as I did then... two of those people have had their babies in the past week and the other two are due very very shortly..................and it is absolutely killing me!
I am so happy for them, but gosh...it is so difficult for me...I find myself fighting tears a lot recently and you know what...it isnt jealousy or envy or even me feeling sorry for myself...its just pure raw grief and emotion and trying to make sense of it all, and I know that I will continue to experience these feelings until the 16th of January (actual due date) and again in April and May when the babies from my second and third transfers would have been due, but I guess we will just cross that bridge when we come to it.

For now...I hope everyone does have a wonderful Christmas and I hope that reading this has not brought anyone down but instead has caused you, if just for a second...to cast a thought of appreciation for all the wonderful things you do have in life. Even though I do not have what I really really want, and even though I am finding this time of year very tough this year... I am very grateful for all my wonderful friends, for my family and for all the people who will read this post and just understand.

Merry Christmas Everyone.xx.

A Brief Update

A comment was made to me today " Your business is your baby", and this has really got me thinking, like its thrown my mind into severe overdrive. The comment wasnt made to be nasty or cause hurt (and I'm sure the person who said it was probably regretting their choice of words as soon as they had said it), it was meant to indicate an understanding of how much work I had put into building up my business and how I would never let anything happen to it.

It has sent my mind spinning off in the direction of wondering if, once again, I am using work and my 'business' as a distraction and to compensate for other things. It does tend to be the constant in my ever-changing and ever more-challenging world.

My Grandmother passed away a week ago, and was buried last Friday. An inspirational woman who lived an inspirational life of 92 years. She didnt have an easy life and had to bear the loss of many family members including her husband and her two sons, one of whom was my Dad who died shortly after my 12th birthday.
My Grandmother always adapted a 'Just get on with it' approach to whatever life threw at her and several times over the past week, I have been told that is where I get my stubbornness from.

I went to see a General Surgeon in Clonmel today as my GP wanted to further investigate this ongoing pain that I am still experiencing. On a quick read of my file and a quick run down of what has taken place over the last year he just stopped and said "What a brave person you are, I cant imagine the mental strength that it could take to put yourself through that time and time again, you truly are a remarkable person"

I was quick to tell him that I didnt think it was brave at all, but in fact, far from the most intelligent thing I have ever done. He corrected me, telling me that even though it didnt work out as we would have liked, the courage that it takes to keep going back and doing something after consistently failing at it, is immeasurable.
So anyway...he is going to do investigative surgery in February to figure out what is going on and to fix it.

More surgery...fun... fun... fun...!!!

This is just a brief update (as the title suggests) and is so because I am just shattered tired. I am seeing Gordon tomorrow so I'm sure I will find lots to blog about after that.

.xx.