Home Two Weeks...Yes, It's Only Been Two Weeks...!!!

I'm home just over 2 weeks now and am still having unreal pain. My tube has started contracting this evening, which has just been excrutiating. The Dr. told me this would happen once the embryos were completely dead as both the womb and the tube have to expel their contents...just the tube has to contract a lot more than the womb and it is so so painful. Unfortunately....I am informed that this pain can last for any length from 6 weeks to 3 months...!!!

I had a really good morning today, met a friend for coffee (or three) and a chat, called into work for a bit and then went to the supermarket...and that's when the pain started. (I think I'm going to have to stop going shopping...I seem to end up in pain everytime I go now...!!!). I ended up having to get some morphine and that just knocked me out...I slept for a few hours and the pain started again not long after I woke up.

I made the decision yesterday to go and get my hair cut, It was in such bad condition from the Methotrexate and all the other drugs, it was breaking off and starting to fall out, so I figured it was best to just get it all cut up. It absolutely killed me to do it...I just cried the whole time my hair was being cut...and then seeing all of my once beautiful hair on the floor...it was just terrible.

Everyone is telling me my hair is nice this way and I have to admit that it looks much healthier as all the bad hair is gone. I think it was just the defining moment for me...having to have all my hair cut up just compounded how badly all of this has gone wrong!

When I called into work I got loads of hugs and kisses from the children....one of whom asked if I was all better now...to which I responded that I was nearly all better....the response I got...
"But we made you a magic card to make you all better...did it not work?"  (Heart-breaking stuff...!!!)

I am now a firm believer of 'what goes around, comes around'. Me, as a person...I hate to see anyone upset or having a hard  time and it is in my nature to want to help and make everything ok. The amount of calls, messages and emails that I have received from people reminding me of how they have never forgotten that I was there for them in their time of need, telling me not to hesitiate to pick up the phone if I need anything.

I really do appreciate it because I am finally at a stage where I can actually admit that I do need help (yeah, yeah I know...finally...!!!). I am simply not able to do everything right now and most of all...I am finally able to ask for help. But the most amazing part for me is that people actually want to help...I know everyone says that they want to help...but this time...people actually do want to.

Patrick and I are starting to realise that for everything we dont have...we really do have a lot, and even though our bank balance isnt too healthy after a year of IVF treatment, we are rich with friends, real friends and most of all...we have eachother...even though there are times we could kill eachother...this whole thing has brought us so close and we know that whatever the future may hold...we will get through it so long as we have eachother.

Coffee, Chocolate Cake and No More Chemo...!!!

We went to the hospital to have bloods taken on Thursday morning to check the HCG levels, and I got a call from the nurse yestersay to say that my levels are down to 1.2, which is both good and bad....good because it means I won't need to have anymore chemotherapy...and bad because it means that my embryos are almost completely dead, and as soon as they are dead...I will start to lose them...which means more pain and bleeding as both my womb and my left fallopian tube begin to contract in order to expel the contents.

I feel like this is beginning to start already as I am starting to have some cramps this evening.

I had a really nice day today...my friend Rachel came to pick me up and brought me to town for a bit, initially I really did not want to go, as I absolutely hated the thought of going out and being around people and meeting people and having to talk to them, but it turned out to be a good thing. The more walking around I did, the less it was hurting me to move around, we went for coffee and cake, chocolate of course, and we did some shopping. I did meet some people that I know and although my concern was having to talk to people and not wanting to...it turned out to be a lot more uncomfortable for the people that I met, as they just did not know what to say, yet they wanted to say something.

The last thing I want to do is make people feel uncomfortable around me, I know everyone wants to help and people genuinely do not know what to say, but don't worry...because the 'right words' do not exist, but I really do appreciate the effort and the sentiment.

Today is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support and Awareness Day and people all over the world are lighting candles to contribute to the World Wide Wave of Light between 7pm and 8pm to show their support. Lots of people have sent me pictures of their lighted candles along with messages that they are thinking of us at this time, and even though it is heartbreaking for me, it has made me smile everytime.

We genuinely feel that people all over the world, but mostly our friends here are really and truly sharing this experience with us. From Patrick's sister-in-law who came to see me in the hospital on the day we found out that the babies were both going to die and couldnt talk because she was so upset for us, to my friend Mary who came to visit me, armed with a big box of chocolates because she just didnt know what to say (apart from telling me that there was a fire at work and the place was surrounded with fire-brigades and police cars...!!!) you have a strange sense of humour, but you made me smile...........to my friend Rachel, who is the best in the world, she is there for me no matter what I need, to laugh, to cry, to talk, to scream, to rant...whatever it is...I know she is there to help me through it....to all the girls at work who sent me flowers and lovely messages and are keeping the place standing and running in my absence (I know its hard without me, girls, but ye are doing a great job...!!!) To Paul and Hilary, who sent me flowers all the way from the UK...to my friends in America and the UK who have called and text and sent lovely emails, and even though they dont know anything other than 'Anne-Marie has a sore tummy'...to all the children at Bright Beginnings who made me the most beautiful cards...which I will treasure for ever, along with the memory of my bed in the hospital being covered in glitter from the cards. I wish I could name everyone who has sent us messages and thoughts throughout this whole experience which can only be described as a bizzare series of events, and to those of you who continue to be there for us no matter what...

Thank you all so much, we will never forget the level of support we have received and how each and every one of you has helped us at this time. Lots of Love to you all.xx.

International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support and Awareness Day.xx.

People around the world are lighting candles from 7pm to 8pm in support of October 15th, International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support and Awareness Day.

I've lit seven candles...one for each of my little angels...

It's a small gesture but it means a lot to people who have lost babies, both in the womb or shortly after birth.

Thank you for lighting your candle.xx.

Home Six Days

Ok so...I am home from hospital 6 days now and unfortunately my levels seem to have stopped at 47 and don't seem to be dropping any further. I have to  go back to the hospital tomorrow to have my levels tested again and if they have not dropped to below 5, we will have to repeat the chemotherapy......which we really really do not want to do.

Unfortunately, the drugs used in chemotherapy do not just attack embryonic cells...they attack any cells in the body that develop quickly, so they have attacked the cells in my nose, mouth and throat, causing lots of ulcers and blisters. It has also attacked my hair, causing it to become very brittle and parts of it are just breaking off.......so, we really do not want to repeat the chemotherapy process!

Yesterday, I got very worried that I am still in a lot of pain as I really thought it would have started to subside by now, but Patrick told me that the surgeon had said that it could be 4 or 5 weeks before I begin to notice any decrease in pain levels.

I know many people could argue that I did not cope well on previous occassions, but I am really really not coping well this time. I think that on previous occassions I always had it in my head that we would go straight back and try again, but this time...knowing that we will not be going straight back...it feels very final and that is very very hard to accept.

I am kind of flitting between being upset and being angry. Yesterday, I was watching telly and one of those ads came on about the starving children in Africa and asking people to send 'just £3 a month...'. The picture showed a woman who was clearly starving and malnourished, holding her baby....this made me so angry. I wasnt angry that they were looking for help or support....I was angry that she was starving and malnourished and had no prenatal care and yet she managed to get pregnant and give birth to a relatively healthy baby.

I know it may not be rational thought, but this blog has always been about writing truthfully and honestly from the heart and espressing how I am feeling and what is going through my head as we go along this rollercoaster of a path that has been laid before us.

However, we have just realised (or been forced to realise) that the rollercoaster is not the only amusement at this fair that we call Life, so we are going to take a break from the rollercoaster, a long-term break.

We're just going to enjoy the 'Fair' for a while.

Ectopic Pregnancy, Emergency Surgery and Chemotherapy...!!!

So...we were on our way to Clonmel on Sunday to do some shopping and I knew I was having some cramps as we were in the car. When we got to the shopping centre I just went to the bathroom where I was bleeding very heavily and then felt a ripping sensation in my left side.

We went straight to the hospital and thirty minutes later I was on the way to theatre for emergency surgery.

One of the embryos had made its way into my left fallopian tube, causing an ectopic pregnancy.

The Dr. did not remove the tube as the swelling in the tube at that time was quite small and he said that they do not like to take tubes from young women unless it is absolutely necessary.

Meanwhile, the results of Saturday's blood test came back and the levels were 811 which is a good number. The levels were checked again on Monday morning, and we got the results back yesterday morning; 356.

Initially this looked like both embryos were failing and it would just be a matter of time, however it turned out that the embryo in the womb was failing fast but the one in the tube was still developping and the pain was getting more and more intense, until it became more like a popping, throbbing sensation.

At this point the Dr. came in to tell us that we need to do something and we need to do it fast. There were 2 options; open surgery to remove the tube or Methotrexate, a course of low-dose chemotherapy (yes, the same drugs that they give to cancer patients). The purpose of the Methotrexate is to kill fast-developping cells, so it would instantly attack both embryos, however the list of side-effects appeared to be endless.

The Dr. told us that the risks involved in taking a course of Methotrexate are much less than the risks involved in open surgery, especially at Midnight.

They had to send a courier to Waterford hospital to collect the drugs as they had not used them previously in Clonmel, they arrived just after Midnight. A little while later 2 Drs and 3 nurses enter my room, covered from head to toe, the drugs were very carefully unwrapped and were then injected into my body through two needles, one in each hip. This was the scariest part of the whole experience for me, knowing that those drugs are so powerful that the Medical staff can not risk any contact with them, but yet they were being injected straight into my body!

I was very sick after this and spent most of the night vomiting, until they gave me an injection to stop the sickness.

I slept most of the day today, until the Dr. came in at 5 o'clock to say that the methotrexate had worked well and I was out of the danger zone as the levels were down to 66.

First Question: "Can I go home?"

He was happy enough to let me go home on the condition that I do absolutely nothing and I go back down to the hospital every day to continue to have my levels monitored.

So...to recap; Emergency Surgery is no fun, Ectopic pregnancies are no fun, having three incisions and lots of stitches, not to mention the bruising and pain...is no fun, Morphine on demand is kinda fun but that only lasts so long...and Chemotherapy is definitely no fun...!!!

So...This whole experience has been a whole pile of NO FUN, and we have decided that we need to give IVF a break for a while. I am going to get better, I know it will take a while but I will get better and then we will go away on a holiday and just take a break from this thing that has consumed our lives for the past 2 years.

My brother Liam rang me last night when he heard about the Chemotherapy and he said 'Anne-Marie, I know how much you want to have a baby, but you are going to kill yourself in the process' and last night compounded that for me.....ectopic pregnancies, emergency surgery, chemotherapy...these are all scary terms and they are even scarier when you have no choice but to have your body cut open and then a little while later, lay there while Dr.s pump your body full of dangerous chemicals, and all for the purpose of saving my life and saving my fertility.

It is time for us to just stop now.

On the up side, I am just home now and even though I am very sore and in a lot of pain...I have gotten so many kisses and cuddles from Lulu, the excitement when she saw me...Oh I missed that puppy so much...!!!

I Am Such A Worry-Wart...!!!

I had some more bleeding this evening, so I rang Clonmel hospital and they said to come straight down.

They did an ultra sound scan which didn't show anything, so they then did a transvaginal scan which showed definite 'occupancy of my womb' but the scanning machine was not strong enough to give a clear picture of how many embryos are in there.

They also did a urine pregnancy test which turned positive straight away, and they took some blood to check the HCG Levels, so we will have those results on Monday.

I know some bleeding in early pregnancy is probably nothing to worry about but gosh, with our history...any amount of bleeding causes pure panic and thoughts that the worst is happening again.

Right now, We are so elated that I am still pregnant, every time that we have gone to the hospital with bleeding before...we have come home with bad news...but not this time.

I know it is just a small step, but for us it is a huge leap...it is like all of our Christmasses have come together...!!!