Isn't it funny how our emotions can manifest in unexpected ways? I've made no secret of the fact that I've been having the crappiest time in the past few weeks, but really since the surgery and probably as far back as when that bombshell was dropped on us last October.
When Gordon was checking my pulses last Friday, he commented that my lungs were weak and it was really jumping out at him. That didn't really surprise me as I'd been on antibiotics for a chest infection two weeks ago and while I had felt that it had cleared up, I had been feeling kinda miserable since the previous Wednesday. I was feeling kinda flu-ey, with a sore throat and had developed an annoying cough. I hadn't really thought much of it as there are so many illnesses and viruses going around at the minute... and with a compromised immune system, along with working with children... I do tend to pick up absolutely everything that is going around.
Gordon used some lung points, and they really hurt... not only while he was inserting the needles, but for quite a few minutes after they had been inserted. He said that they were hurting because there is a lot of grief in my body. I didn't really pay any attention to that comment at the time, but it has turned out to be quite a relevant and interesting observation.
So... I had a really miserable weekend, both emotionally miserable and physically miserable. I woke up at 3am this morning and was spiking a temperature of 39.6, was struggling to catch my breath and then started coughing up green, bloody mucus (TMI sorry). Time for a trip to the Caredoc. I'm always concerned when I see anything green coming from a person because it usually indicates an infection of some sort. Luckily enough there was a Dr. in Cashel and she was able to see me right away. After a fairly detailed examination, she diagnosed a bronchial infection and a sinus infection, put me on a nebuliser for a bit and prescribed a course of steroids and antibiotics for a week.
I emailed Gordon this morning to update him on what was going on and also to let him know that he was spot-on about my lungs being weak. He responded by telling me that when there is lingering grief in the body, it affects the lungs. Huge amounts of grief tends to overwhelm the lungs and manifest itself in the form of illnesses like bronchitis or even pneumonia. It was only then that I recalled the comment he had made on Friday about my lungs being weak and there being a lot of grief in my body. I began to think about my medical history and I realised that up until about 3 years ago, I had never ever suffered with any problems with my chest. In the past three years, I have had bronchitis twice, I've suffered huge issues with my chest after having operations, and I've had about 3 chest infections every year. Just some food for thought really, but something that has really made me think. Sometimes it is hard to imagine that our emotions can affect our physical well-being to such an extent, but I guess the evidence speaks for itself.
As I sat in Gordon's waiting room on Friday, feeling probably the most unsettled that I have felt in a long time, freaking out because I was forced to park my car in a way that meant I was taking up two spaces, because the two cars on either side of me had each taken up two spaces and that was the only available space. I found myself looking through the albums that Gordon has sitting on the table in his waiting room. There are three albums full of Thank You cards and pictures of the new babies that Gordon has played some part in bringing into the world. In the midst of all of those cards and beautiful pictures... I spotted a card that I had sent to Gordon (I think in 2011). It was a CHRISTMAS CARD...!!! and simply read 'Thanks for everything, have a great Christmas'. I have to say I was surprised (and that's putting it mildly). With the mindset that I was in... I found it quite difficult to see a Christmas card from me among all of those Thank You cards and new baby pictures. My initial thought was that my card doesn't belong in there.... I don't belong in there....
And... of course... me being me... I had to mention this to Gordon... (after I had managed to move my car into just one space of course, to relieve my OCD, so I could actually think about something apart from the fact that I was taking up two parking spaces...!!!) I told Gordon that it really sucks to see a Christmas card from me in there, when it should be a Thank You card with a new baby picture. Looking back now, I regret even mentioning it to him. I should have trusted him and just known that he would have put that card in there for a reason and I could have just hugged him when he told me what that reason was. He said 'Anne-Marie, that card is in there because that is your space, and that space is just waiting and ready for the day that you send me a picture of your new baby and then I will replace your Christmas card with that picture.'
It's funny how I had initially seen it so differently, it had seemed to me that it was just a huge reminder of how I just don't fit in there, when the biggest contribution I can make to an album of new babies is a Christmas card. Instead, Gordon was making sure that I truly would 'fit in'. He was making sure that there would always be a place for my baby in that album - whenever he/she finally arrives. Gordon is so certain and assured that I will have my own baby some day, and that Christmas card will be replaced with a picture of my new baby. When I think about it now (with a much clearer head), I am almost embarrassed at how it had initially seemed to me, but I can truly see now that it really is just a way of reassuring me that I will never be overlooked, and my space will be there for as long as I need it to be.... Gordon will be there on this journey with us for as long as we are on this journey.... and the day that he can replace that Christmas card with a photo of our new baby... that will be the day that I stop being concerned about 'fitting in' or being left behind... because not only will that album be 'complete'... but my world will be 'complete' too.
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