Fertility Olympics

I currently find myself in a mindset where I really do not want to write, but if history has taught me anything..... it's that when I find myself not wanting to write - that really is the time that I most need to write. Similarly, when I find myself not 'wanting' to go to Cork to have a session with Gordon - that is the time when I most need to go to Cork. I had an appointment with Gordon yesterday, and I found myself very reluctantly travelling to Cork. It wasn't that I didn't want to see Gordon, or that I didn't want to have acupuncture - it was that my head was in such a messed up place that I felt like I didn't want to burden him with it.  Gordon always tells me that it is the day that I do not show up for an appointment, the day that I do not have the strength to meet with him, even to just talk about what is going on..... that is the day that he will worry about me. 

So... what is going on...??? The truthful answer is that I really don't know. I am still in a lot of pain. I am pretty much going from being premenstrual, to menstruating, to ovulating and back to being premenstrual again. I am having about four days a month where I am just uncomfortable and not in really bad pain. I feel like I am just not getting a break from it and it is seriously messing with my head. My GP is referring me to a pain specialist to see if we can find a way to manage this pain until it settles down.... in about 6 to 8 cycles...!!!

The most accurate way to describe how I am currently feeling, would be 'fed up'. I'm fed up with being in pain, I'm fed up of feeling crap, I'm fed up of pregnancy announcements, I'm fed up of feeling like I'm being left behind, I'm fed up of not knowing where this journey is going to take me, I'm fed up of not being in control. I'm finding myself wanting to scream at the world... to just STOP! I want the world to stop moving forward without me. I want the whole world to stop getting pregnant until I do. (I never said my feelings were reasonable - just honest). Mostly though, I'm fed up of being fed up. 

This weekend is especially difficult for me and I so wish it wasn't, as it was my beautiful bichon, Lulu's third birthday yesterday and we got a new bichon puppy (Penny) so she will have some company. I should be loving this, it should be such an exciting time - just like when we got Lulu first, but instead I am reminded that I missed Lulu's first birthday 2 years ago because I was having surgery for yet another ectopic pregnancy, yet another baby that should be here... just... lost. Also, I'm dealing with the torture that is tomorrow. 'Mother's Day' is always horrific for me. It is the one day every year when I really just want to climb under a rock and wait for it to just pass me by. I know I have lots of predetermined 'bad days' throughout the year... days that would have been my due dates, days that I lost my babies, days when bad things happened..... but 'Mother's Day' is just a culmination of all of those 'bad days'. It is the day when all of the things that I should have, but don't have, hit me with the power of an arctic truck filled with grief and sadness and just... well... missing my babies.

Here is a pic of our new puppy...

I spoke with Gordon for quite a long time yesterday, and the one comment he kept making was that 'there is just no spark anymore'. He kept telling me that I need to find something, anything to relight that spark in my life. Everything I have been through has completely drained me of any spark of happiness and he said that I need to make it my mission to find some way to see the positives in things. He also told me that we need to find that spark long before we even consider going to the Czech Republic for more treatment. 

Gordon did give me some amazing advice yesterday. He told me that I need to stop looking at the processes that I need to go through on this journey, as a group of individual battles that I must fight with everything that I have to conquer each one as I encounter them. He told me that I need to look at this whole journey as my 'Fertility Olympics', and I need to view the entire process in the same manner that an athlete views the actual Olympics. It is not just about putting everything into the four weeks that you are actually 'competing', it is more about the build-up, the preparations, the four years immediately previous to the Olympics, and all of the minor 'competitions' that you must conquer on the road to the Olympics. 
My 'Fertility Olympics' will take place in the Czech Republic in 2015, so I need to put everything that I have into making sure that I am in the best place possible within myself, and that my body is in the best condition possible to give our last chance at this, the best chance possible at being successful.

I know this is amazing advice and I know that I will so embrace that and take that completely onboard, as soon as my head is in a better place. In order to help to get my head in a better place, Gordon has asked me to do one thing - He said that because having a baby is my ultimate goal in life, and that is not an option in the immediate future - he has asked me to find something in life that I want to do... something that is just for me, not for Patrick, or for work, or for my family or friends, or for Lulu, or for anybody.... something that is just for me.

To be completely honest..... my response was: "I don't think there is anything", but I will certainly make a genuine attempt at finding something.

Right now, all I want to do is curl up and get through this weekend.......