I Am Okay

You really could have cut the tension with a knife on the way up to Dublin this morning, we were both so anxious... we couldn't even speak to each other. Neither of us really wanted to go, and I guess I felt like I was looking for any excuse to turn the car around and go back home.

We arrived at the Clinic with about 30 minutes to spare, it was very easy to find and it appeared that we were the first couple to have arrived. We sat in the car and waited for a bit. Patrick asked if maybe I wanted to take a walk up the street for a bit before we go into the Clinic, but I didn't want to. I scanned every inch of the outside of the building and the grounds... looking for something to put me off, I almost wanted something to be wrong with the place... I wanted an excuse to not go through with it.  The outside of the building didn't give me any excuses though... there is ample parking and the grounds are beautiful and very well kept.

Eventually a few cars started to arrive and a few couples went into the Clinic. I still wasn't ready though.... but I told myself that it is bound to have that 'Clinic-smell' and that will turn me right off as soon as I walk in the door............ but it didn't, it had a very welcoming smell and didn't actually arouse any negative thoughts or memories from within me. We checked in at reception, the receptionist was very friendly and very professional. She gave us an information pack and directed us to the room where the presentations would be held. We went to the room and took a seat near the front. Patrick was looking through the information that we had been given, but I didn't really pay much notice to it.

The presentations were to start at 9:45, but as the clock ticked past 9:45 and on towards 10am, I started to think 'well, if they can't even start the presentations on time...', that was almost a good enough excuse for me to get up and leave... and if that wasn't enough.... one of the ladies who was to give a presentation later in the morning... well, she was wearing brown shoes with a black suit... seriously... what could they possibly know about IVF and reproduction if she can't even wear the right shoes with her outfit...!!! (yep, I really was scraping the barrel for excuses for this Clinic to not meet my requirements at all, I wanted them to fail in my expectations....) On some level, I think I wanted it to be yet another disappointing experience at yet another Fertility Clinic.

As soon as the first Dr. started his presentation.... I was intrigued, I was hanging on his every word. It was so informative. I imagine that most of the couples who were there were just starting out on their fertility journeys, and even though we have been through this so many times.... the process was never actually explained to us in so much detail before. 
About half way through the first presentation, the Dr. was going through the possible risks of undertaking a cycle of IVF or ICSI. He had gotten about halfway through the list and I just started laughing. He was listing off: Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome, Infection, Abdominal Fluid, Damage to organs, Egg Retrieval complications, Miscarriage, Ectopic pregnancy, Hydrosalpinx...etc.... and in my head I was going 'Check...Check... Check... Check... Check... Check...' I looked over at Patrick and he was smirking too, He was thinking the exact same thing. We had a break for some tea shortly after this and we spent most of this time just laughing.... not that it was funny, but I think there was some realisation for both of us.. that yes... we have been though all of that... anything that could have gone wrong... did go wrong... and here we are... we survived and we can look back on it now... and we can laugh.

The rest of the morning was just as informative and this was followed by a tour of the Clinic, it is an amazing set up and they seem very in-tune with the emotional needs of the people attending for treatment. We spent about 20 minutes then talking to one of the Embryologists, a very friendly chap who answered all of the questions that we had and was extremely reassuring.

We left that Clinic this afternoon and we were walking on clouds. We both felt this amazing sense of relief, like a huge weight had been lifted off of our shoulders. This had been so different to any of our previous experiences at Fertility Clinics, and for the first time in a long, long time... we were happy and the decision was made right there and then for us... that when we do decide to go back to treatment... we won't be going anywhere except this Clinic. We will go back in about 3 weeks for a consultation and to see what our options are going forward, but we really won't be looking at going ahead with anything in terms of treatment until well into next year sometime. 

I have this amazing feeling of just being happy, I am okay, everything is okay. I feel like I am in control and I finally feel like I have found a Clinic that will work with me and my needs, instead of expecting me to follow their 'protocol'. I feel comfortable with the idea of going back to treatment if it is to be at this Clinic with the Doctors that I met this morning. For the first time in as long as I can remember.... I actually feel like I am okay and I feel confident that I can do this and whether it works or not.... I know that I can be okay and I can get through whatever the process throws at me.

Short of actually losing my life as a result of IVF treatment, I can check the 'Been there, done that' box for every single risk involved in the process.... I have been there and I have done it, but more importantly..... I got through it  and I came out the other side stronger because of it. Maybe I have a clouded version of what the last few years has been like, but looking forward... I feel like I could almost breeze through the next cycle... I am feeling very very confident after today's visit... I can do this and I will do this.

First though, I am currently working on getting myself and my body into the healthiest condition possible, so that we really will be giving the next cycle every possible chance of being successful. 

I do have to say a little 'Thank You' to Gordon though.... because... against what I thought was my 'better judgement', I agreed to register for the SIMS Clinic Open Day on his recommendation. I guess he felt that it would really help me to look forward and focus on what I truly want and to start to be able to put a plan together going forward, by seeing how things are done at this Clinic. I really didn't think that I was ready to set foot inside a Fertility Clinic again just yet or anytime in the near future, but it turns out that it was just what I needed and even though I was terribly anxious before going today.... I no longer feel any anxiety or sense of turmoil at all, I feel calm and secure and confident. I guess there was a method to what I thought was his madness :-) 

Secure Endless Turmoil...

I brought my friend's seven-year-old daughter shopping with me today and we really had a lovely time. After we'd finished shopping, we went to a restaurant to have some lunch. When we had finished eating and I was paying for our meal, the man who was serving us picked up two lollipops. He handed one to my friend's daughter and said 'one for you', he then handed the other lollipop to me and said 'and one for your Mom'.
We just kind of giggled, thanked him and left. 
I really struggled to push what I was really feeling to the back of my mind, so as not to draw any attention to it, but little comments like that can really send your thoughts and emotions into absolute turmoil. You begin to think that you really should be taking your own children off shopping and taking them out for lunch, you should be sharing these giggles with your own son or daughter.... but mostly..... it reminds you very clearly of what exactly you have lost, it makes you oh so aware of what is missing in your life, it makes you wonder if you will ever have the opportunity to take your own children shopping and share these experiences with your own children... it makes you question if you will ever have your own children.....

We are going to Dublin tomorrow.... we are going to an Open Day at the SIMS IVF Clinic. I'm not entirely sure why we are going to it, I know that I am nowhere near ready to even think about going back to IVF or having any further treatment in the near future, but we registered for it and now it is the night before...

I am anxious!!! I am worried that as soon as I set foot inside the Clinic... that 'Clinic-Smell' will send the nightmare that has been the last 3 years, flooding back to me. I am worried that I will be an emotional wreck and won't be able to talk to the Doctors and ask the questions that I want to ask. I am worried that it will be yet another 'Clinical' appointment with some stone-faced consultant who wouldn't recognise empathy if it jumped up and bit him. I am worried that I will be so uncomfortable there that I will just completely emotionally detach from the whole thing. I am worried...

Maybe I am worrying about nothing, it might all be perfectly fine and may be a very productive day as it might help me to decide on a path to take from this point forward. 

I guess I am kinda in a 'Limbo' of sorts with the whole baby-making thing right now. Life is almost okay right now. It has been quite nice not going through treatment, not having to inject myself, no steroids, no looming operations or procedures, no counting cycle days, no tests..... no progress. 
I think I have become almost comfortable and secure in this 'Limbo' that I have created for myself, but at some point.... the realisation must strike that while I am in this 'Limbo'... I am not moving forward and therefore not moving towards the ultimate goal of having my own children. 
It is almost ironic, I have become quite comfortable with what I can describe as an 'endlessness', I am not looking towards an end to this 'Limbo', this 'Limbo' is a very secure place for me.... but on the other hand... this 'endlessness' is what I fear most. To remain stagnant in this place, is to remain childless... remaining childless is not and never has been an acceptable outcome for me, but to consciously remove myself from this comfortable place means accepting the turmoil that comes with that. I have to accept the process, the risks and the ultimate knowledge that nothing is guaranteed. 

I am in a very indecisive place surrounding all of this right now, I have always been a risk taker, I've always done whatever it takes to make things happen. The problem is though... I've been through this and I've experienced the worst outcomes again and again and I know what that did to me...... I don't know for certain that I can go through all that again.... 

Maybe there will be somebody waving a magic wand tomorrow...... maybe, just maybe...

This Makes Me MAD...!!!

I recently wrote a piece as a guest 'author' for Aculife. You can read this piece here . It is about how empathy and emotional awareness are pretty-much non existent in a lot of fertility clinics, and the importance of creating your own emotional outlet while going through this process. 

Over the past number of years, I have joined a few support groups, mostly online... for people who are on a similar journey to ours. A lot of the people who post on there mostly write about their losses and when their babies would have been due and how long they have been trying... etc, but recently... the majority of the posts are about their experiences at fertility clinics and how they feel like they are being 'told off' for getting emotional.

I defy any person in this world to go through just one miscarriage... get your positive pregnancy test.... see your baby on the screen... hear your baby's heartbeat..... feel that enormous sense of unconditional love... make those promises to your unborn child that you will do anything to protect them and never let anyone hurt them.... think about names for your baby...... then one day, wake up and you are bleeding and you know what that means... you go to the hospital, but you already know... you can feel it... you know that you will never get the chance to show your baby just how much you love them... you will never get to protect them... you will never even get to meet them. Your baby is dying inside of you and there is nothing you can do about it, but wait, all you can do is wait... wait for your baby to die so that your body can expel the 'contents' of your womb. (Don't you hate clinical terminology that makes your baby sound like the fecal residue of last night's Chinese takeaway...!!!) Then it happens... you lose your baby, a little part of you dies right there and then, you lose part of your soul and you know that things will never be ok again. 

Then honestly say that you have no emotional 'baggage' because of it...??? Liar!

It is 'ok' though... if you listen to the fertility 'professionals'.... you've just had a 'spontaneous abortion', sure that's no big deal... right? I hate terminology that makes your journey sound like a list of specifications for an out of date computer. Under 'Children' on my medical files... it reads '0 + 10'. ... Its 'ok' though... only five of those were 'spontaneous abortions', three others were ectopic and of course the two that I had to 'abort' with chemotherapy. It's simple isn't it, its easy to read those words off the screen. They are just words. 

I guess it would be so much easier to look at it in terms of 'specifications', that removes all emotional connection... if there are no emotional connections... well then, you can't get hurt.... you just keep updating the software and eventually you might be lucky enough that someone will have updated the 'This is your month' app with the correct bug fixes that means that this truly is your month. 

Unfotunately... this is what fertility medicine has become. 

What I described above is just one miscarriage... most couples attending fertility clinics have been through a lot more than one miscarriage, but I assure you.... One is more than enough to change your world forever and give you the right to cry whenever you need to or do what ever you need to do to make yourself be able to get through each day. Nobody would tell a parent who has lost a toddler that crying or being emotional about it is not 'normal'......... Who the hell is anyone, especially a medical professional to tell a person who has lost their unborn child that they shouldn't be having such emotional reactions...???

I know I mentioned before that at one appointment... After I got teary-eyed... I was told I was suffering from PMS and was given a prescription for Anti-depressants to help with 'all this weepiness'. Apparently this is quite common. We are made to feel like even less versions of human beings than we already feel we are. Like there really is something wrong with us. 

Take a piece of paper.... tear it once.... you can stick it back together, but it will never really be the same......... tear it twice, three times........... tear it ten times. You can keep sticking the pieces back together, but now it nowhere near resembles the piece of paper that you started with. 
That piece of paper is the heart of every woman who has lost a child, you can never be the same person after going through something like that, and nobody has the right to tell you how to feel or how to react or what is 'normal'.