At work... Christmas is huge, we pull out all of the stops to make Christmas so special for every single child and their families and I love that, I really really do, its all so special and so perfect and it makes me think about how we will do Christmas in our house when we have kids......
I was doing quite well on Christmas Eve, got through it without getting too upset, well except a little bit when I was chatting to one of my best friends and I made a promise to myself that this would be the last year that there are no children in our house for Christmas.
Christmas Day.......... well..... that was a different story. I woke up and was feeling ok........ and then I logged into Facebook....... BIG MISTAKE...!!!!!!! Every post on there was about all my friends and the wonderful time they were having with their kids, how much fun they were having with what Santa brought...... most of them accompanied by beautiful photographs of beaming children.
The tears started and I actually felt my heart crumbling in my chest.... and it hurt, it physically hurt.
I cried and cried for ages, sobbing uncontrollably. It is just so terribly unfair. I wanted to go back to bed and stay there til all of the merriment had passed, I felt like a proper Scrooge... and actually I guess I really did feel like a proper Scrooge..... I started to think about how much I used to love Christmas and how I'd have the tree and the decorations taken down from the attic in November some time and how Patrick and I would argue about when was too early to put them up and how much was 'too much', and how I used to hate having to take down the tree and the decorations............ then I got to thinking about how different things are now and how much I absolutely hate Christmas Day, and how we havent even put up a tree for the past two years because it was just too hard for us to face even doing that much................ then I began to think about the promise I had made to myself the night before.. that this would be the absolute last Christmas without a child in our house, and I began to think about how future Christmasses might be, but I couldnt allow my mind to wander too far in that direction, I think I was subconsciously protecting myself from creating a false sense of hope (I am the absolute master of thinking that if I say something and create an ultimatum for myself, well then it has to happen). Life has most certainly taught me that this is not the case...!!!
I then logged into Twitter, where I follow and am followed-by a lot of fertility related people and companies, one in particular had simply tweeted 'so, anyone else finding today really really difficult?', I responded to her saying that it was one of the hardest days ever for me and I'd spent most of the morning crying. We chatted a bit back and forth and that support was really great, knowing that other people were feeling exactly how I was feeling, they understood because they are in the exact same situation as I am in. So yeah.... Christmas was hard...!!!!!!!
As we approach New Year's Eve, I think back on the events of the year and how this time last year I said that things just could not be worse in 2012 than they had been in 2011. For once I was right, things certainly were not as bad in 2012 as they were in 2011.... that's not really to say that things were very good in 2012... just not as bad as the previous year.
What 2012 held for us..... A fantastic holiday to Florida... from which I returned home pregnant (naturally)..... an ectopic pregnancy which resulted in extensive ovarian surgery... from which I am still suffering pain, we received results that the condition of Patrick's sperm has gotten so much worse that it is at the worst that it could possibly be and there is no hope of reversing this condition, we went ahead with a double transfer which resulted in a double miscarriage, I suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns which will leave me scarred for life, I am having ongoing problems with cysts and ovarian pain.
What 2013 holds for us...... Another fantastic holiday to Florida, on which I am planning on having the time of my life. We are still awaiting results from The Kilkenny Clinic, which will tell us what options (if any) that we have going forward, We have been looking into fostering and adoption and depending on the results from The Kilkenny Clinic... those might be on the cards for us much sooner than we had expected. And really... well, I have no idea what else 2013 might hold for us.
Apart from my very good friends Rachel and Mary, and the online support I have received which has just been overwhelming, I cannot finish this end-of-year post without mentionning the person who has been most instrumental in keeping me sane over the past 12 months, and that person is Gordon, my acupuncturist. When I think of how many times during this year that I have called or emailled him and told him that I'm not in a good 'place', and his response has always been 'come down, we'll fix it', and you know what.... he has fixed it, every single time, The emails I've sent him ranting and raving and well, just venting about how much I hate the world and how everything just isn't fair and well... basically me being hormonal and irrational and I have never once gotten a response from him that didn't make me feel better, The two occasions that he travelled up here to treat me when I was post-op and couldn't travel to Cork for treatment, The phone calls between him and Patrick when they have been concerned about how I am doing. I have had a rough year both physically and emotionally, and I genuinely believe that I have gotten through it in the way that I have because of this support and moreso the availability of this support. I believe that angels walk this Earth and I am convinced that one operates from the Aculife Clinic in Cork, in the form of Gordon Mullins.
To Rachel, to Mary, to Gordon, to all my online supporters, to everyone who reads this blog, to all my facebook and twitter friends who keep up-to-date with how we are doing, to everyone who has ever taken one second to hope or pray that this will happen for us and to everybody out there who is on a similar journey to us........ Thank you all so much for you support, wishes, prayers, mesages..... just thank you for being there.
A lot of people expect 2013 to be a year of bad luck... but its gotta be the opposite for us.... right???????
Happy New Year Everyone xx
