I did something today that I have never done before, something I thought I never would do........... I cancelled my appointment with Gordon...at the last minute. It was no reflection on Gordon or the wonderful work that he does, he has helped so many people have happy, healthy pregnancies, I just cant praise him enough. So...I'll rewind a bit and explain.......
We had a fabulous holiday, it truly was wonderful and was just what we needed. We had an appointment with Gordon a few days after we got back, a very positive appointment...in which we decided that we never wanted to see the inside of the Cork Fertility Clinic again. Gordon reiterated what he had said to us over 6 months ago...that he is certain that there is no reason that I could not get pregnant naturally and have a very healthy pregnancy to full term. So, at the end of the appointment, we were both feeling very positive, we had no schedule, just Patrick had to start taking some supplements and we were just going to see what happens. It was great, it was like we were in control again, we fully believed that this will work and we were ready to do it.
Fast forward to 5 days later...I was booked in to have a minor prodedure in Clonmel hospital...to investigate the pain I am still having since the ectopic pregnancy in October. I was fine, wasnt a bit nervous, I knew I was going to be knocked out for it and wasnt a bit bothered............until I got to the operating theatre and got that distinctive operating theatre smell. That smell brought back the fear and heartbreak I had experienced last October, knowing that entering that room meant that I was coming out of that room no longer pregnant with two beautiful babies.................and I began to cry and I began to panic. The poor theatre nurses didnt know what was going on and I wasnt able to explain it because I really didnt know what was going on myself. I guess they thought I was just really really nervous about this very minor procedure I was having done.
Ever since then (about 9 days ago) I have been feeling really down. I know that I want to get pregnant and have a baby more than anything in the world, however...I also realise that I now have a serious fear of being pregnant and everything that means for me...the fear, the worry, the waiting for something to go wrong, the trips to the hospital in case something is wrong, the over thinking everything, the what ifs......... I feel like we came back from holidays and we were on top of the world, we were feeling good and felt like we could do anything...felt like we could maybe embark on this journey again, but take a different path...a path that allowed us to control the pace, but yet something as small but as hugely significant as the smell of the operating theatre threw me right back into a place where I am once again terrified of being pregnant..... And that is why I cancelled that appointment today...because I simply couldnt do it...and I know I have gone to see Gordon before when I was having feelings similar to this and he helped me work through those feelings and I have left his clinic feeling a million times better, but today I just felt like I didnt want to vocalise it, I didnt want to make it real.....I didnt want to be back 'there'.
I emailled Gordon this evening to apologise for cancelling at the last minute, he emailled me back telling me that he was expecting this to happen, that it had to happen at some point. (I guess it isnt possible to go through what I have been through and not have a fear of it happening again...imagine that...!!!).
He also told me to 'be good to you'...and I think that is the part I struggle with the most. I guess there will always be a part of me that blames myself for losing all of my babies, there is always the 'what ifs' (what if I didnt go to work, what if I didnt eat chocolate, what if I drank more water...). So...when I feel down about it...I really do not want to be good to me. It really is hard to treat yourself when you are feeling so crap....!!!
I will make another appointment to see Gordon really soon, as soon as I am feeling any way up to talking about all of this and actually vocalising it (isnt it amazing that I can write all about it here, but find vocalising it absolutely impossible right now...???).
I also have some really interesting pictures of African Fertility Dolls which I took in Florida, that I must post on here...I will get around to that in the next few days hopefully.xx.
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