Time to Smile xx

I turn 31 on Friday, and this has gotten me thinking about how I spent a whole year of being 30. Realistically, I spent it either having surgeries and procedures, or recovering from those surgeries and procedures. I have spent an entire year in horrible pain, attempting and failing to find something to ease that pain. I'm still having the same pain, it is getting worse and the Specialists are looking at options for me, but I really think I am resigning myself to being in pain for the foreseeable future, and realising that I need to find the strength from within myself to cope with that and not have it dictate my life as it has been doing.

Lots of things happened while I was 30, I had 2 major operations, 3 IV nerve-block infusions, I had an occipital infusion, I had injections to basically put my reproductive system to sleep to allow my body to heal (I'll write more about this soon). This was the year that we got a new puppy (the beautiful and not-at-all spoiled, Penny), we went on an amazing cruise holiday in the Caribbean - our activities were very limited due to my pain levels, as this was only a few weeks after my last surgery, but we had an absolutely amazing time, and probably the most difficult thing I did while I was 30.... I did this past week..... I went to the DENTIST...!!!

We had booked this cruise holiday back in January 2013, and it felt like it was never going to come round. Of course, having surgery six weeks before our departure date did put a spanner in the works, and we were sure I wouldn't be cleared to go.... but thanks to my amazing GP and an insane amount of medication (I don't know how I got through airport security), I was cleared to go, equipped with a detailed letter clearly outlining my medical information and current situation - should I need to receive medical attention while we were away. Thankfully, this didn't become necessary and just getting away from everything for a bit really was exactly what we both needed.

This holiday was significant for us in another way, it meant that we would be docked at the beautiful port of Belize on the 6th of November, exactly 5 years after we lost Noah. This had crossed my mind when I returned from the UK in August, and I wanted to make it special for both of us, but I also wanted to make sure that this was a turning point for us.... Of course then I had emergency surgery, and I actually completely forgot about what I had arranged.

On the morning of the 6th of November, we got off the ship and had a lovely few hours in Belize. Even though it was well above 30 degrees and the sun was blazing, there was an unseen dark cloud surrounding us, neither of us needed to vocalise it - we just knew what the other was feeling, memories of that day five years earlier are etched in our minds and we can easily recall that day, minute by minute as if it were yesterday. Knowing that I needed a distraction, but also wanting to do something special, Patrick took me to a jewellery store and got me the most beautiful diamond and blue tourmaline ring. It is beautiful, it is precious and I will treasure it forever. It is the most beautiful ring I have ever seen and it means the world to me, not only because of the connection it now has with Noah, but because of the thought and sentiment behind Patrick buying it for me.

We got back to the ship a little after 4pm - it took a little longer to get back, as I had to stop every few feet to admire the amazing sparkle off of my new ring as the sun bounced off of it. The sun easily hit this ring, as that dark cloud had lifted just enough to let the light in.
We went straight back to our stateroom when we got back on the ship, and there waiting for us... was what I had arranged back in August. It was as much a surprise for me as I had genuinely completely forgotten about it. It was a gift from Noah... chocolate covered strawberries and a bottle of champagne... accompanied by a simple note that read 'It's Time to Smile xx'

... And smile, we did. Patrick was astounded that I had managed to organise this without his knowledge, as we hadn't been apart for the entire holiday. I noticed his eyes welling up as he considered the sentiment behind this gesture, not only the memory of Noah, but also what this gesture signified. He has waited a long, long time for me to reach a point where I could feel that it is time to smile again, and in a way, even though I had organised this myself.... it truly felt to us like Noah was giving us permission to smile again. He was giving us permission to let go of the grief and sadness and to move on with our lives. We will never forget, and it will never be easy. Significant dates will always be difficult, but maybe, just maybe.. we will remember to find a reason to smile no matter how difficult those days become.


I mentioned earlier about going to the Dentist this past week. I know this is a routine thing for most people, but I have the most horrendous fear of Dentists. I hadn't been in 9 years, but I made myself go last Saturday (I had some help with this, and in all honesty, there is no way I would have gone if it hadn't been for a little push from some of my friends). I was in such a state, I was in tears just entering the Surgery. The Dentist and the hygienist were just lovely and put me right at ease. They talked me through everything and made me feel like I had total control. If I wanted them to stop at any point, all I had to do was raise my right hand. They did a routine examination, and a scale and polish. I was feeling super proud of myself for going through with the appointment... but then they told me that I would have to return for three fillings, and would have to be admitted to hospital in the New Year to have two of my wisdom teeth surgically removed. I went yesterday to have the first of three fillings. I have honestly never felt fear like that in my life. He put gel on my gums to make the needle less painful, and I was freaking out just at the gel part. I wasn't worried about the needle, they don't bother me, but I really cannot pinpoint the actual root of my fear. I was ready to leave at that point, I was panicky and just did not want to be there. That Dentist is an absolute genius, because he somehow managed to calm me down enough for me to give it another go. As soon as I felt the needle enter my gum, I found myself in a very familiar situation. I found myself forcing my mind to detach from my body, and suddenly I was somewhere else. I was aware of the drills and whatever else he was using to work on my tooth, but I was okay. I wasn't even there. This is an escape mechanism that I perfected during the many, many painful procedures I endured while going through IVF. I could detach from my body and put myself in an environment where I was safe and comfortable. This is why I often describe those procedures as if I was standing there watching them happen to somebody else. 

I left there feeling so much more confident, but also extremely proud of myself. I had accomplished something that I had been putting off for so long. I have to go back on Saturday for 2 more fillings, so I hope I'm feeling as confident going in on Saturday morning...!!!

A lot of things happened while I was 30, the most significant thing being my heart stopping for 24 seconds. This has definitely been the most defining and clarifying occurrence  of the last 12 months... if not, the last 31 years. It's made me appreciate life and just how delicate life is. It's woken me up to just how much my body can take, and I truly see this as a warning from my body that it just cannot take anymore. People keep asking me if I saw a light or anything like that when my heart stopped.... the answer is that I did not see a light when my heart stopped... it was when I woke up and realised what had happened, that I saw the light. 

I did a lot while I was 30, but there was one thing that I forgot to do..... I forgot to live.

I will not be making that mistake again xx