"It's Okay To Be Okay"

I had a visit with Gordon today, it was a really nice session - we talked a lot. It felt like it had been ages since I'd been there, but really it was only a few weeks.... I had to cancel my last appointment coz I dropped my beautiful MacBook Pro on my left foot, the edge of it landed right along the line where my toes meet my foot. It's been extremely painful and I've been on crutches and unable to drive. It does seem to be improving a bit now though, so fingers crossed I'll be able to manage without the crutches in the next few days.

This was the first time in quite a while that we have talked about returning to IVF and that kind of thing. I told Gordon that my head was so messed up about it and as the time increases since our last IVF treatments - I'm finding myself getting more and more comfortable with the idea of not going back for more treatment. I told him that it feels so wrong to be feeling that way, especially as I have always said that if there is even a 1% chance that it could work, then nothing would stop me. It's just not sitting right with me at all that I am starting to feel this way.

Gordon's response completely stopped me in my tracks, it interrupted my train of thought and made me re-evaluate how I have been feeling.

Gordon said "Anne-Marie, it's okay to be okay"

He reminded me of how the past 5 years have been for me, he talked about how IVF has completely controlled my life, he recalled everything that I have been through because of IVF, he talked about what I am still going through because of IVF... He told me that the fact that I have spent so long wanting to rush straight back into all of that, just wasn't healthy for me. He said that I needed to get to a place within myself where I can just be okay and not have everything revolve around IVF, and he said that he was really happy that I seemed to be achieving that level of 'being' now.

Gordon talked about how sometimes we just need to slow down, and when we are unable to do that for ourselves... Life can make us slow down - whether we want to, or not. I guess life is kinda making me slow down (or trying to, at least). Apart from the ongoing nerve pain I've been having in my lower left abdomen, for the past 6 weeks I have been experiencing horrible attacks of cluster headaches. They are like really really intense migraines that are concentrated around my left eye, causing it to weep and swell. They also travel down the back of the left side of my head and into my neck and shoulder. These cluster headaches are occurring almost daily, sometimes several times a day and are extremely debilitating. I mentioned these headaches to my Pain Specialist during the review appointment after the last Infusion, and he suggested that we can try a procedure called an 'Occipital Nerve Block', this basically involves injecting a series of anaesthetics and steroids directly into the nerves that cause the pain (in the back of my head), in order to numb or 'block' that nerve and reduce the levels of pain that I am feeling during these attacks. If this is successful, it could achieve an end to this attack of Cluster headaches (they tend to be seasonal, so could return around the same time next year), or at the very least - reduced levels of pain for a number of weeks.

I am scheduled to have my first Occipital Nerve Block this coming Friday morning,  followed immediately by my third Nerve Block Infusion. After the horrid experience I had last time, my Pain Specialist has agreed to keep the levels of Ketamine the same as last time (to hopefully keep the hallucinations to a minimum), increase the levels of Lidocaine (for increased pain relief), and double the levels of Propofol (so that I will fall asleep much more quickly). I'm expecting to be pretty sick and out-of-it for the weekend, but hopefully after 2-3 days, I will be feeling a whole lot better.

So, with an injured foot on top of all of that going on... maybe Gordon is right. Maybe I do need to slow down a bit.... and now that I am starting to notice that I can be okay.... maybe, just maybe I can work towards being okay to be okay... and if he's right about all of that.... maybe he is right that I will just know when I am ready to go back for more treatment, but not before I am just okay for a while.xx.