A Lot Has Happened........

I haven't posted in a while. I've thought about posting a lot but lots of things have happened in the past two months and I kinda started to feel like I don't know where to start with a new post. 

I thought about posting the day I brought that quilt down to Gordon's Clinic and he was just speechless, when he found his words - he told me that he knew what this meant to me and what it will mean to the other women and couples who attend his Clinic. He told me that I can have it back anytime that I want because he knows how much of myself I put into that, and I responded by telling him that I might ask for it, but I will never ask for it back. I told him that there will be days that I will need to know that this quilt is there and there will be days that I need to sit and hold that quilt and probably cry my eyes out. That's the thing about this journey (and probably any difficult journey), there will always be 'days'... days when you are good, days when you are not so good, days when you want to physically injure the person sitting across from you in the restaurant coz he is breathing too loudly, days when you want to be left alone to curl up in a ball or just be with your thoughts and memories, days when you want to be surrounded by people, days when you need to talk about what you are going through and days when you don't want to talk to anyone.  Gordon has gotten pretty good at knowing what kind of day I'm having without me actually having to tell him. He can tell a lot from the tone of my emails (I know that sounds like I email him every day.... I really really don't, but I'm sure at times it certainly feels like I do, to him...!!!), or from how I greet him when he opens the door for me at his Clinic, so I don't doubt that someday will be the 'day' that I need to see that quilt and hold it and feel it. Probably some day when I feel like hope has abandoned me and I will need to be reminded and re-inspired by the amount of hope that has gone into that quilt... when it was being made, but also since it has been at Aculife Clinic. 
Gordon emailed me that evening to tell me that the response to the quilt at his Clinic was just amazing. He was showing it to his clients and many had actually asked to see it as they had read my blog post. He said the one resounding response from almost every woman who saw it, was "Some day I want my star to be on that quilt". They were all asking if they could have a star on the quilt when their baby finally arrives. You have to imagine that every woman who attends Aculife Clinic has a story, a journey, they have all had a difficult time trying to get pregnant or trying to stay pregnant, they all have the one same dream to hold their own baby in their arms, and if my quilt has given them the hope, strength and determination for 'if' to become 'when', even for one second.... then that makes me very very happy and I know I did the right thing. Of course the answer is 'yes', Every Aculife baby can and will have a star on that quilt.

I also thought about posting when I was referred to a pain specialist because the pain in my left side just would not ease or settle down at all, since the surgery last December. The Pain specialist believes that my pain is caused by a combination of 2 things. The first being that the nerves in my lower left abdominal area are just so badly damaged from being operated on so many times - that they just do not know how to stop hurting. He likened it to an amputee who continues to feel pain in their limb even though it is no longer there. The nerves just do not know how to stop hurting. 
The second reason is down to adhesions. Every time you are opened up and your insides are exposed to air, this creates a sticky substance that joins organs together. So, for example, if I have an adhesion joining my bowel to my ovary... every time food passes through my bowel, as my bowel contracts - it pulls on the adhesion, which in turn pulls on my ovary and this entire process causes a lot of pain.
So we got to talking about solutions or indeed, options. The only option for the adhesions is surgery, and as far as I'm concerned that is not an option right now or anytime in the foreseeable future.
There are a few options to try and help the nerve pain, but the one we decided to try was a series of nerve block infusions. This is basically an infusion of three different anaesthetic drugs - Ketamine, Lignocaine and Propofol. To date, I have had 2 of these infusions. The first was a very funny experience. The doses used were low and basically I was just laying on a bed with a needle in my arm, having a mixture of these drugs pumped into me. I felt nothing for about 10 minutes, but the nurse had warned me that it can kinda creep up on you. When the ten minute mark hit, suddenly I felt the walls and the ceiling closing in on me. I really didn't like that, I'm very claustrophobic. Then out of nowhere, my hallucinations came in the form of hedgehogs crawling all over me, and every time the blood-pressure cuff would tighten, I was convinced that it was hedgehogs biting me. Ok.... I didn't say it was a funny experience for me... but it was for everyone else. Apparently I told the anaesthetist that I was going to recommend him to all of my friends, and I demanded pizza off of the poor nurse who was getting me tea and toast in the recovery room... and when I got home, I practically attacked Patrick and my brother Liam because they wouldn't stop asking me questions while I was trying to sleep and they kept laughing at me..... well, it turns out they weren't actually asking me questions and were laughing at the fact that I was going mental at them because I was imagining that they were asking me questions. I got two days proper relief from the pain in my side after this infusion, and definitely a decreased awareness of the pain for a few weeks afterwards. I did have a pain in my head for the first day after the infusion, but that passed quickly.
The second infusion was a completely different story. The doses were a lot higher. I had brought my music and headphones in with me as a means of distracting myself from what was going on around me. I was kinda surprised as the Pain Specialist told me if I was planing on using them, I better do it at that point, as he was connecting up the syringe. I quickly found out why he told me that. Within minutes, I had lost all use of my hands, feet, legs and arms. I had no feeling in them, I couldn't move my head or my neck. I was completely paralysed. I couldn't speak. As the drugs flowed into my system, I began to hallucinate again... except this time it wasn't hedgehogs..... this time it was babies.... 10 beautiful babies around my bed. Nine little boys and one little girl... and she was beautiful, I was fixated on her. She had her hair in pigtails and she was just the most perfect, precious little thing. I can see her now, as clear as anything. In that moment, I was so thankful for this experience, In my drug induced state, I felt like I had been given a moment with my babies, something that I never got to have, and I was so so thankful for it. It was short lived though as suddenly, one by one... each of my babies was taken away and I knew that I would never see them again. I began to cry... except crying when you are paralysed is pretty much just tears running down your face. I cried and cried and cried and eventually I must have dozed off, I have no idea what I may have said to the Dr. as I was coming round and the meds were wearing off, or even if I said anything to him, it may have been because my face was tear-stained and it was very obvious that I had been crying, but he placed his hand on my left shoulder and just gently squeezed. It was a lovely gesture and I genuinely think that he knew that this infusion had been really tough for me.
After this infusion was tough also.... not least because everyone was expecting funny stories like the previous time :-), but I was in a zombie-like state for a few days, I couldn't shake off what I had just experienced, I couldn't get the image of those babies and particularly that little baby girl out of my head, I genuinely felt like I had just lost them all over again. It was tough, it was very tough.
That infusion was three weeks ago and for the majority of that time, I have been suffering with horrible attacks of cluster-headaches (they're like migraines, but more intense and can attack up to 11 times a day). I don't know if there is a connection between the infusion and this attack, as I have had an attack of cluster headaches once before, but I'm meeting with the Pain Specialist next Tuesday to discuss it and see where we go from here.

I thought about posting after Patrick's sister-in-law (and one of my truly closest friends) was in a horrific car accident 4 weeks ago. All of our lives changed in a split second, and for a few days we really didn't know if we would ever see her again. Thankfully, she is a fighter and has made fantastic progress. She is home and doing great. She has a long road of recovery ahead of her, but how it so easily could have been so different. This made me so thankful for what I do have and made me conscious of the things that really matter and those that really really don't. I'm a real worrier, but this has given me the realisation that life is so precious and can be changed permanently or taken away in a split second - do we really have time to be worrying needlessly..???

A lot has happened in a relatively short space of time, and I'm glad that I have now posted abut all the things I thought of posting about, but now let me tell you about the thing that triggered me posting this morning at all.....

I was doing some early morning browsing on Facebook, when I came across this. Initially it just made me mad. Hundreds/thousands of babies being abandoned because their parents can't afford to keep them... and they can legally just drop their babies off at these hatches, with no process, no procedures.... just abandonment and the knowledge that they will never see their child again... and yet, here we are... desperate to have a child of our own, we could give a child like that such a wonderful life.... but we can't. Why?..... because my BMI is above what is considered 'normal'.
Early last year, we went to an information meeting about Adoption... we just wanted to keep our options open and explore all avenues. Well... the outcome of that was that we would not be able to adopt an Irish child because Patrick was too old. He was 36 at the time, but as the process takes 4 years and he would then be 40, that automatically rules us out as prospective adoptive parents for Irish children. It didn't matter that I was only 29 or what our situation was... that ruled us out immediately. So we looked to International adoption. A few years back, it was a relatively easier process and lots of countries were happily adopting their children out to Irish couples. Until one couple adopted a little boy from Indonesia, but decided to return him to the Indonesian orphanage because they fell pregnant with their own child shortly after. This created havoc among the countries who were previously very willing to work with the Irish parents, and it is now a ridiculously stringent process to adopt internationally... which begins with ruling out anyone who's BMI is above 'normal'.

Things that have happened recently have made me realise that I've spent way too many years being embarrassed or ashamed about the amount of weight I put on while we were going through the IVF process and how I've struggled to shift much of that weight because I have been continuously in so much pain, but I would love someone to explain to me why the number that is produced when you divide my weight by my height is more relevant to my ability to care for a child and give a child a good stable home, and a life that they could only dream of at one of their 'hatches', than my actual ability to do this. For eleven years now, I have studied one aspect of 'Childhood' after another, I have top scoring qualifications and Degrees in Early Childhood Care and Education, Clinical Psychology, Educational Psychology, Developmental Psychology and have recently embarked on another Masters Degree in Paediatrics and Epidemiology for Children's Health.  
Five years ago I developed an Early Years Educare Centre in my home town and it has gone from strength to strength. Patrick began working with me last August and there are times that I have to stand back and just admire how good he is with the children who attend the service. He works primarily in the kitchen and doing maintenance when he gets time, but he has such a natural ability with the children (he tells me it is because he is still a big child himself). I watch him with his nieces and nephews and it is impossible not to notice what a great Dad he would make.

Yet, these things aren't even considered. I can't imagine how difficult it is to be in a position where you feel that you have no choice but to abandon your child at a hatch, knowing that you will never see them again, because you can't afford to give them the care that they need..... but wouldn't you much rather know that your child was going to a loving, caring family than be left in the care of the state indefinitely?

It seems to me the desperation of the parents having to abandon their children, is not terribly different from the desperation of those who would give anything to have a child to call their own, and it also seems to me that there is a very very simple solution to all of this.... 

But hey, I'm fat.... what do I know...???