Do you ever feel like you don't want to be 'nice' anymore? Isn't it bad when you feel like you have to make an effort to be 'nice', and it doesn't just happen naturally anymore? I'm finding myself being 'snappy' lately, my usual 'its ok to think that, but not say it' filter seems to have been deactivated (hopefully temporarily). Its just one of the ways that I'm feeling kinda lost right now, just feeling that I'm not myself but struggling to figure out who 'myself' is now.
It's so odd, because when I'm at work.... the minute I walk in that door... I know who I am, I can answer any question that is asked of me and deal with any situation that is presented to me. I am instinctively intuitive and level-headed and 'nice' when I'm at work, I don't have to think about it. Work is where I want to be, because I know who I am when I'm there. I'm comfortable there.. I'm in control there... I have no doubts or insecurities when I'm there... because I have a purpose when I'm at work and I create purpose for others.... and to be completely honest... it is impossible to not be 'happy' at work... how can you not be happy to see the smile appear on a 2 years old's face just because they have seen you... to have a child that is only just walking almost trip over themselves because they are so excited to see you and they just want to get to you to give you a hug... to have a parent bring in their new baby, who might be just a few days old... and place that baby in your arms and tell you that they trust you with the most precious thing in the world to them and before we know it, they will be 6 months old and will be attending the service and you will get to see that child every day and you will get to know that child and you will become such a huge part of that child's life, but more than they know it - they become a huge part of yours.
People always ask me how I do what I do, does it not absolutely kill me to see all of these beautiful little children every day and know that I may never have one of my own. The answer is that it is not difficult for me. Sure - there are days when it is hard for me, of course it is... but those are the days when all I want to do is be surrounded by the small babies because I get so much happiness from them. There is never a time when I don't know what to do when I'm at work, no matter what the situation... I find that I just instinctively 'know' and I suppose... I trust my own judgement 100% when I'm there. I am 100% confident in everything that I do when I am at work... because I just 'know'.
I'm still not back to work full time, but have been spending an increasing amount of time in there every day (or at least - most days), and to be completely truthful... work is an escape for me right now. It is my haven... It is the place where I can be the person that I know I am.... The problem for me right now though, is that I don't know who I am when I'm not at work.
I have always known that I am not at my best when I am stagnant, when I'm not moving forward. Right now I feel like I am not moving at all though... and I don't know how to 'be' that person. I don't know how to not have a plan. I'm the person who plans, who makes lists, who always has a schedule, a goal, a point that I am going to reach and a deadline by which to reach it. I don't have a plan right now and that scares me. I don't know who I am without a plan. I have been a 'planner' forever. I have been pretty much physically unable to do anything without planning it first.... and now, I find myself lost in this plan-less limbo.
Everyone is telling me to just take a break and enjoy the break. Sure, we are taking a break from any kind of fertility treatment or any baby-making plans. It will be at least another year before we begin to look at going forward with that. Unfortunately, all of my 'plans' to date have been made with the assumption that we would have at least one child by now. I want to be planning a child-friendly Summer Holiday, I want to be part of the 'Mommy Club'. I want to have to plan my life around the needs of my baby. I want to be planning night feeds and nappy changes. I want to at least be able to plan for being able to plan these things in the not too distant future.... but unfortunately... all I can plan for is uncertainty... and I don't do well with uncertainty.
Uncertainty makes me anxious, it makes me uneasy. Up until recently... I have always 'known', or at least I thought I did, but now there is no knowing... there is just hoping and in many ways... Uncertainty is the best that we can hope for... and that just is not sitting well with me at all.
I find myself at home being uneasy and uncertain, finding it difficult to make even the simplest decisions., finding it hard to explain myself and even harder to realise that that the reason I can't explain it is because it is impossible to explain what you do not understand - which leads on to my unhappiness at not understanding and therein lies the vicious circle that I find myself both stuck in and surrounded by at the current time.
I really do feel quite 'lost' right now and I guess I'm hoping that I'll 'find myself' soon because I really don't like this feeling of being lost... or perhaps I will find a way to not feel so lost in this limbo of uncertainty but instead to appreciate the 'break' because what faces me has the potential to knock me harder than anything has ever knocked me before... I need to find a way to just be 'me'.
Hi, I came across your blog by chance during some random googling as I am facing my own fertility/IVF challenges. Your pain and honesty really struck a chord with me and I just wanted to say..... you are not alone, you have had such a long journey and faced so much heartache sometimes it seems there is no justice in this crazy world and I am not sure I can say anything to help. There is just this........ do everything you can to find peace in your heart. Whatever you need to do to make it happen, make that your goal in everything you do. You have decided to take a (much needed by the sound of it) break, this is your time now and no one knows what is right for you except you, honour yourself and what you need right now and don't let anyone tell you what you should be feeling or doing. When you find your peace you will find yourself. Sent with love and light to you from a far away friend x
ReplyDeleteHi there and thank you so much for your words. I've left this for a few days without responding because I thought that I would eventually find the perfect words to use in my response, but I haven't been able to.
DeleteYour words are beautiful and reading that you are currently facing similar obstacles has reminded me of why I started this blog in the first place - because I couldn't find the info that I wanted online... sure, there is loads about the facts and medical side of things, but very little about what you actually go through.
In response to your very kind and very helpful words... should you find yourself at any point being unsure about any part of the process or what you are going through - feel free to email me directly - I can't promise to be able to answer your questions, but I can promise to listen and to share any words of advice or experience that I may have.
xx
You shared such a really wonderful information..
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