It Should Have Been Me........

I've had a few setbacks in the past week, lots of issues with my chest and yet another abdominal infection has left me in a lot of pain, feeling like I'm back at square one and still unable to sleep at night. As I lay awake last night, watching each hour pass by until it was time for Patrick to get up for work and eventually I dozed off at I guess what must have been around 9am. 

At around 11:30am, I am awakened from my slumber by the sound of my phone beeping, thinking it was just a text message, I was prepared to ignore it and just respond later, but it was kinda niggling at me for some reason, so I picked up my phone to see that I had received an email from Gordon entitled 'New Blog', but there was no content to the email, not even an invitation to check for spelling mistakes and grammatical errors (I'm not a pedant, honestly...!!!).

I open the Aculife website on my phone to find a post from a very excited Gordon about his experience yesterday. Yesterday some pretty significant ground was broken. Yesterday two worlds collided and became one. Yesterday saw the welcoming of Complimentary Medicine into the world of Western Medicine. Yesterday was the day when a Practitioner of Traditional Chinese Medicine was welcomed into and permitted to work alongside the finest Doctors in the field of fertility and reproductive medicine. That's pretty amazing.

You see, up til now it has been a battleground where although acupuncture has been used to compliment fertility treatment for many years, It has been seen by most IVF Clinic Directors as a waste of time, as some Mickey-Mouse, complete waste of money attempt at giving yourself some sense of false hope. I've even been directly discouraged from having acupuncture as a compliment to my fertility journey by an IVF Clinic Director, despite its positive effects being unquestionably proven. 

My experience has primarily been that acupuncture is somewhat of a taboo subject inside the walls of IVF Clinics and is met with a head-tilted, nodding sympathetically gesture of feigned empathy to the tune of 'Ah sure, you'll try anything when you want something so badly'.

This has meant that the morning of Transfer, the day that you need to be at your most relaxed, becomes the day when you have to perform a feat of logistically epic proportions on top of undergoing the whole Transfer process. Your timing must be precise... especially if, like me... you have to travel the morning of the transfer. 

My experiences have been as follows... So, Transfer is at 12, but I need to call the Clinic at 10:30 to see if the embryos survived the thawing process, but in order to transfer at 12, I need to be at the Clinic by 11:30 at the latest and I need to leave at least 30 minutes of travel time between the Acupuncture Clinic and the Fertility Clinic to allow for traffic and trying to find parking and any other delays that may arise, so that means I need to leave the Acupuncture Clinic by 11, so I need to arrive at the Acupuncture Clinic for Pre-Transfer acupuncture at 10:15, which means that I need to leave home at 9am. Leaving home at 9am is not a problem, but having the constant worries of 'I'm going to be late......... I'm going to miss my appointment......... Oh God, why is there so much traffic???........ It's just raining, why has the whole world decided to drive at 5 miles an hour???... Why is there never anywhere to park?...' Along with the worries of ' I wonder if my embryos have even survived......... I've come all this way and I could be told that I have no embryos to transfer........   Only 20 more minutes til I can call the Clinic to find out.... seriously, is this clock going backwards...???' And once you have completed the Transfer, you then have to take some time to recover, before returning to the Acupuncture Clinic for Post-Transfer treatment...!!!

All of that stress and worry on top of what is a hugely stressful procedure anyway. 

Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could arrive at the Fertility Clinic on the morning of Transfer, go to your prep room (which doubles as your own private recovery room), have your Acupuncturist there to treat you immediately before and after the Transfer and then go home and relax? What a different process that would be and that is what took place yesterday at SIMS. The burden of that extra stress was taken from the patient and distributed between the Fertility Doctors and the Acupuncturist. They had to figure out the logistics and the timing and it was up to them to make sure it all went as smoothly as possible.

And from what I understand, it was something quite amazing. You can read Gordon's blog post here. 

What an amazing development and one he should be very, very proud of. He has created a synergy, he has built a bridge over sometimes hostile/sometimes toxic waters and that is an amazing step, a huge achievement........... So why have I been sitting here in a pathetic state of misery, crying inconsolably since reading it?

It should have been me... and that is not just me saying generally 'it should be me, when is it going to be my turn?'........ it actually should have been me.

On my second visit to SIMS Clinic, during my first full consultation with Dr. Walsh when we were discussing our next cycle (this was before we got the genetic results), I asked Dr. Walsh about acupuncture before and after Transfer and he responded that he would highly recommend it and knowing my connections with Gordon and Aculife Clinic, he suggested that I ask Gordon to recommend an Acupuncturist in Dublin that I can attend before and after Transfer. So... me being me, knowing that Gordon is already in discussions with Dr. Walsh over trying to create some sort of 'synergy' between the two Clinics, and also being of the long-standing impression that if you don't ask - you don't get.... explained to Dr. Walsh the importance of having your own Acupuncturist by your side, not just any Acupuncturist, but the Acupuncturist who has been on this journey with you, the Acupuncturist that you know, trust and respect, but also... the Acupuncturist that knows you, and knows what will work best for you. (Seriously, if I'm not gona let 'just anybody' cut my hair, I'm certainly not going to want 'just anybody' influencing the outcome of the most important procedure of my life...!!!). Aided by Patrick's smirking statement 'if its not gona be Gordon, its not gona happen'.

 - Dr. Walsh agreed to it and thanked me for opening his eyes to the connection between the patient and her Acupuncturist. He told me to have Mr. Mullins contact him about it and they would put arrangements in place for Gordon to be present in SIMS immediately before and after my next transfer. He explained to me that it is not something that is usually allowed, but as they are in talks about it anyway and because of my long-time connection with Gordon and Aculife Clinic, it would actually be a good opportunity to trial and assess how it would actually work in practice.

Reading Gordon's blog post, I wanted to be so happy for him and I so appreciated that he had notified me directly of this blog post - I think it would have hit me a lot harder if I had just casually come across it. I couldn't help but have this be a huge reminder of just how much things have changed for me, Of where I am versus where I thought I would be. Yet again a reminder that I am being left behind and the world is moving ahead regardless. I felt like he was handing me the most amazing ice-cream with one hand, but chopping my arm off with the other. A fantastic step for fertility treatment, but one that is becoming further and further from my reach.

A follow-up email from Gordon told me that he was conscious of how it would make me feel and that even yesterday, as he entered SIMS Clinic to break this new ground, he was very aware that 

'This was supposed to be Anne-Marie'

I am honoured that I even crossed his mind yesterday, and to that extent I guess I do feel that perhaps I was part of the process in some tiny way and I know I will be very proud of that... once the initial blow has passed. 

It really shows the strength of Gordon's dedication and determination that he traveled from Cork to Dublin to carry out Pre and Post Transfer Acupuncture for one patient. He is a true advocate for this and his understanding of what a fertility patient actually goes though is second to none.

Now... I wonder how he feels about travelling to the Czech Republic for Pre and Post Transfer Acupuncture........ ;-)

Eighteen Years Ago.......

Eighteen years ago tomorrow... and it could have been just yesterday. I sat in Dualla National School, a sixth class pupil... had just completed the weekly spelling test that we had every Friday. 20 out of 20. of course I did... that's the score I got every week... but this week was different. The nineteenth of January 1996, exactly a month after my 12th birthday at 12:25 in the middle of the day. My friend's Mother came to the classroom and spoke with the teacher. The whole class was instructed to go outside and I was told to pack up my things as I was going home early. I don't know why I didn't figure out at that point what was going on. My friend's Mother had just gotten a new car and we talked about this on the 5 minute journey home. Even when we got home and there were so many cars there and so many people in the kitchen as we entered the house, people putting their hand on my shoulder as I walked past them.... and I still didn't figure it out.
I went upstairs to my room, took off my coat and was hanging it up in my wardrobe when my Mother and a nurse entered my room and five words were spoken, five words that would change everything, five words that I remember to this day... 'Anne-Marie, Daddy's gone to heaven'. I froze. My Dad had been sick. He had lung cancer and after having one of his lungs removed and receiving the 'all clear', we found out that the cancer had spread to his brain and 'there was nothing more they could do'.

We'd known for 5 months that he was going to die, but somehow it never seemed real... how could it? I remember being 'helpful' for that 5 months. I would meet the hospice nurses when they called every day. I became very close to them, they became members of my family. The would hand me the batteries of the machine that they used, for the life of me I cannot remember what that machine was for, but I remember that my job was to use the battery tester and make sure that the batteries were working. I remember that they gave him this orange coloured liquid to help his bowels to move. He hated this liquid, said it tasted awful. As I look to the table to my right, I realise that orange liquid was probably 'Codalax', the same as I was given after my most recent surgery... and he was right... it does taste awful...!!!
In the last 2 weeks or so before he died, he was very very bad. I remember laying in bed one night and pleading with God to just take him because I couldn't watch him suffer anymore. How can a 12 year old little girl watch her Dad scream in pain and become completely helpless, watch him have to be carried everywhere like a small child because his legs are too weak to support him. This man who fought monsters from my bedroom when I was too scared of the dark, the man who held me on his shoulders so I could see over the crowd, the man who lifted me over fences and gates when we went on adventures through forests and fields, the man who jumped in front of my brother's horse to stop her because she got out of control when I was riding her, the man who suffered countless bruises on his ankles from helping me to improve my camogie skills, the man who carried me to bed and tucked me in when I fell asleep on the couch, the man who was my hero..... and I watch as they wheel his cold dead body into the back room of the funeral parlour... knowing that they will put the lid on his coffin and I will never see my Dad again.

My Dad died at 12:15 that day and I remember promising his still-warm body that he would always be a part of my life and that someday when I have a son, I would name him after my Dad. This became a bit of a joke with my oldest brother who shares the same name as our Dad. About 30 minutes ago, my Dad's youngest sister (My Godmother and beautiful lady that I was named after) posted a lovely poem on Facebook to recognise the 18th Anniversary of his passing and suddenly I realise that I made a promise to my Dad all of those years ago and this is the first time it has struck me... that is a promise I may not be able to keep. 

As I sit here and cry, I am reminded of something my Dad used to say 'You can do anything if you put your mind to it... and if you can't find a way, find a way to make one' 

I inherited a lot of things from my Dad... his blue/green eyes, his dark hair, his messed up sense of humour, his ability to write (my Dad was an amazing writer and poet and we spent many, many hours together just writing and putting stories together, and when we weren't doing that... we were singing and dancing or solving some crossword or puzzle), but probably the most useful things I got from my Dad were his sense of fairness, his problem-solving ability and his downright stubbornness. 

He fought til the very last second, he never gave up... right until he took his last breath, I hope that I can find the strength that he had and can find some way to keep the last promise that I ever made to my Dad.xx.

Pregnant Arachnids... Or Something Like That...

I am so up and down at the minute, it's actually ridiculous. One minute I'm fine and I'm laughing and joking... the next I'm in tears. I don't know - maybe its just hormones, they're gona be all over the place right now.

I have this feeling of anxiousness, like I have a million things to do and no time to do them - which is crazy coz all I have right now is time, so much time. I pretty much have 24 hours a day coz I'm not really able to get much sleep. I think a lot of it is because I am used to working 12-14 hours a day and being kept busy for all of that time. Gosh, I can work 14 hour days and still feel like there aren't enough hours in the day...!!!... Now... now I have time, its all I have... and all I want to do is get back to work... can't stand up straight... but want to go back to work...!!! 

I don't do very well when I'm not being challenged or stimulated or kept busy and gosh, I've tried to keep busy. I love to sew but I'm not able to sit up at my sewing machine so I thought I'd keep myself busy by knitting. I've knit so many scarves in the past 2 weeks, but I'm kinda getting bored with that now. 

I logged into the Aculife website a few minutes ago. I check it every few days to see if there have been any updates. Gordon is doing this new video blogging thing which is kinda cool. On the bottom left of the webpage, there is a testimonial section... I see it every time I log in, at least 2-3 times a week and I've never had a reaction to it, it has never bothered me, but when I logged in a few minutes ago a testimonial popped up that read "Thank you for everything, and also for keeping me so calm during my pregnancy. We are so so HAPPY" and I was hit with his overwhelming feeling of 'This is never going to happen for me!' and 'Seriously, what if it never does happen?' I began to feel panicky, looked for a way out (its a webpage... just close the screen, right?), Nope... the next thing that I see is a post from December 23rd announcing that the Clinic was finishing up for Christmas on that date, but not before they were announcing 5 new pregnancies...!!!  
I was reminded of an experience I had 8 or 9 weeks ago, Patrick and I went to Amsterdam for 5 days. Bearing in mind that I am terrified of spiders - We spent our last day there at the Artis Zoo, an amazing zoo. I'm not entirely sure why, but I agreed to go into the Insectarium. Ok, I knew that there would probably be a spider or two in there, but I figured once I knew where they were I could avoid them and all would be ok. So we go inside, and I am being very very cautious and all of a sudden I hear Patrick gasp and say 'Oh God' I look up and I am face to face with this huge tarantula (he probably wasn't huge, but he seemed humongous to me!)... and I start to panic. Patrick said the blood just drained from my face. I have to get out of there, but it seems that everywhere I now look... there are more and more spiders and I can't find the way out. I'm sure it was very very funny to watch, but it was my worst nightmare come true. I know I wasn't in any danger at any point, the spiders were all behind glass cases. We eventually found the way out and I had to sit down for a bit. I was so mad with Patrick, I know it was probably misplaced anger but I felt that if I had just come across the spiders by myself, I probably would have been ok and it was probably the shock of reacting to his reaction and realising that I was face to face with the tarantula, that made it such a terrible experience for me, and then the panickiness because they are all around me and it's that feeling of being trapped or having no escape and I guess infertility is a bit like that. There is no escape, the whole world is like the insectarium and pregnant women are like the tarantulas. They are EVERYWHERE! And some days it is ok to be around that and surrounded by women who are pregnant... the days that I am prepared for it, the days that I spot to 'glass cases' and know that they are there... and then there are the days when I'm not prepared for it and I realise, usually when it is too late, that I am face to face with a pregnant woman.. and not only that... I am surrounded by them... they are everywhere and it's hard to get out of a situation like that.

It's funny coz I have quite a few friends who are pregnant right now and I can see them reading this and thinking 'Has she just called me a tarantula...???' I'm honestly not looking to insult or offend anybody, I'm making somewhat of an analogy... one that makes perfect sense to me at 6am in my completely sleep deprived state.

Maybe I'm my own worst enemy though... maybe I shouldn't go into the Insectarium when I know I suffer from a ridiculous fear of spiders.... and maybe, just maybe I shouldn't log on to the website of the most amazing Clinic that makes miracles happen and helps people to have children... when I know I'm not quite ready to hear that 5 more women have moved ahead of me on the ability-to-have-their-own-children spectrum. Gordon lives to help people get pregnant and have their own children... of course he is going to announce on his website when his patients finally get those two pink lines. I often ask him why can't it just be easy? and his answer is always that it isn't easy for anyone who attends his Clinic. Everybody has a story, a past, a journey, everybody who Gordon works with has maybe failed to become pregnant after years of trying, or perhaps has a history of recurrent miscarriage or ectopic pregnancies, or perhaps has been through cycle after cycle of failed IVF cycles... of course he is going to announce when these women become pregnant, these are true miracles and I know if it was me, I'd be shouting it from the rooftops.

It's funny though... I know all of this, I know how amazing it is and I know that feeling only too well... the feeling when you finally see those two pink lines and your whole world changes in that split second... I know this, I know how those women feel... but I can't help feeling that I'm somehow being left behind... and I know that there is nothing that Gordon could do that he hasn't done for me, he has gone over and above the duty of 'acupuncturist' many many times... so why do I feel like I want to scream at him, that I want to tell him that it is my turn now, it has to be, I've been here the longest and I don't want to wait anymore. When do I get the two pink lines?, when do I get to hear my baby's heartbeat?, when do I get to crave pickles and marshmallows?, when do I get to go through 17 hours of labour?, when do I get to hold my baby in my arms??? So many questions, so many unanswered questions... 

Perhaps I should substitute 'When do I' for 'Will I' and maybe those are the questions I should be asking...