Isn't life strange? Sometimes we focus on things that we think are really really important, but it turns out that they are not at all important in the general scheme of things, and then we realise that we have missed out on lots of things because we were focusing on that one pseudo-important thing.... and then sometimes you end up regretting it so badly because you lose someone close to you and suddenly you realise that all that time you wasted concentrating on that non-important thing robbed you of spending time with that important person, and now you can never change that because they are no longer here.
I've had this experience recently. On Tuesday, the 3rd of September we got word that my Uncle Ritchie had died suddenly, my Mum's oldest brother. Among the shock, sadness and grief was this huge sense of regret. I was very close to my Uncle Ritchie, he always called me his 'little girl', which I always found rather funny coz he has three daughters of his own... but every time he would ring my Mum he would ask about his little girl and want to know when I was coming to visit him again. And therein lies the source of my regret.
Before I started IVF, we would visit quite regularly and Uncle Ritchie would always make a huge fuss of me. He always gave me these big hugs, which pretty much involved him hugging me and squeezing me and never wanting to let go. He always told me how beautiful I was and much to my embarrassment, he would say to anyone who came to the house while I was visiting 'This is my niece, isn't she beautiful?'
The thing is though.... while I was going through IVF and with everything that went wrong and all the surgeries and hormones and steroids..... I put on weight, I put on a lot of weight... and I didn't feel beautiful anymore.... and when Uncle Ritchie would ring and ask my Mum 'when is your beautiful daughter coming to see me?' or 'when is my little girl coming to visit?'..... All I could think of was 'beautiful.... little.... yeah right...!!!!' As far as I was concerned I was no longer beautiful or little and I was embarrassed about that and I hated it, and I couldn't let my Uncle Ritchie see me like that. So I ran from it, I made excuses, My self confidence was so low I just couldn't bring myself to face it. I kept telling myself that as soon as I lose some weight... I will go and visit. I did lose some weight but I never felt 'beautiful'. We spoke regularly on the phone and I had registered to do the Riverdance World Record Attempt in Dublin at the end of July this year, so we stayed with my Mum's sister in Kildare and went to visit Uncle Ritchie. Well gosh, I felt like a proper idiot...!!! As soon as he saw he.... he hugged me and squeezed me and was never going to let go, it didn't matter to him in the slightest..... to him I would always be his little girl and I would always be beautiful.
I spent a lot of time with Uncle Ritchie that weekend, we talked a lot and I realised that no matter what age I was or what size I was... our special bond would never change. I was special to him and he was special to me and that is all that would ever matter. I left there that day with a different, more confident view of myself.
So... to hear 5 weeks later that he had died... all I could do was regret the time that I had wasted, the times I didn't visit, all of the 'big hugs' that I missed out on....
We went straight to my Uncle Ritche's house after our appointment at Sims on the Thursday, It was strange seeing him laid out, but he looked so peaceful, so beautiful. I met his oldest daughter and she simply said 'No big hugs for you today Anne' (she always calls me Anne... much to my Mother's annoyance) and that was it..... no big hugs that day or ever again.
It's hard to accept and I know that it is a regret that I have to live with, but if nothing else..... It has taught me a very valuable lesson. So often in life, we let things become important... things that really don't even matter. Little things that become all consuming take the place of the things that are really important. I am losing the IVF weight and I will feel beautiful again.... but I will never hug my Uncle Ritchie again... Clarity is obvious when there is no option, unfortunately realisations sometimes come too late and all we can do is learn from the experience and try to have a more perceptive view of 'importance' in the future.
Uncle Ritchie, you taught me a lot of things (not least some words beginning with 'F' in my earlier years :-) ), but the most important thing that you taught me... you managed to do it without even knowing...!!!
You finished every conversation with 'Do you still love me?'... My response was always 'Of course I do'.
You would then say 'Well f**k everything else, that's all that matters' .....
And... Indeed it is.....
.xx.
We had an appointment with Dr. Walsh at Sims Clinic on Thursday, the 5th of September. I haven't gotten around to writing about it yet because my uncle died suddenly and was buried the day after the appointment at Sims, so... with all that entailed, I guess I didn't really get a chance to process what had taken place during that appointment.... I suppose I'm hoping that by writing about it, it will help me in some way to process it.
So... we arrived at the Clinic, had to fill out some forms and were shown to a private waiting room. We didn't have long to wait... for the first time ever... a consultant was early for an appointment...!!! Anyway... even though I was feeling very calm and comfortable about the appointment, I wasn't feeling anxious or anything.... I just could not sit still for the few minutes that we were waiting. I was walking around the room, looking out the window, checking my phone... I guess I was subconsciously anxious or something.
After a few minutes, Dr. Walsh (he is the owner of the Sims Clinic) came and introduced himself... Yep... the consultant himself came to see us in the waiting room and he brought us to his office. This alone was unheard of in our experience elsewhere. What appears to be the 'norm' is to be left waiting in a large waiting room with between five and ten other couples and have your names called out by a nurse, who then brings you to see the consultant in his big important office. This was different, very different.
Our appointment with Dr. Walsh lasted almost 2 hours (yep... I did say 2 hours...!!!). The only way I can describe Dr. David Walsh is that he is a 'Genius and a Gentleman' Nothing was rushed, nor at any point did we feel like we were an imposition or were delaying him. He went through our entire history with a fine tooth comb, explained every minute detail to us, he drew labelled diagrams for us (he has this amazing ability to write things upside down so they appear the right way for us to see as we are sitting across the desk from him. Ok... I know this says nothing about his ability to help us conceive, but it means a lot that he learned how to do this to accommodate and make things easier for the patients, the people sitting across the desk from him, the people depending on him to provide one last shred of hope that maybe, just maybe it will work this time.... It was about us, not about making things easier for him.)
He told us about all of our options, he explained about all of the testing that we could do. He told us about the process of IMSI (Intracytoplasmic morphologically selected sperm injection) which is basically a form of ICSI, the difference being that during ICSI, the sperm is magnified 400 times, during an IMSI cycle, it is magnified more than 6000 times so it gives a much better chance of picking the best sperm, the ones that will most likely result in fertilisation and hopefully, pregnancy. You can read more info about it here.
He also introduced us to EEVA (Early Embryo Viability Assessment) which is basically a system where the embryos are not disturbed in the first few days of life, they remain in the incubator and instead of being taken out every few hours to be assessed under a microscope - they are photographed every 15 minutes to give a time-lapse account of exactly how they are developing, which in turn gives a better idea of which embryos have a better chance of resulting in pregnancy and hopefully, a healthy baby. Dr. Walsh talks about EEVA here.
So... where do we go from here...??? Well, Dr. Walsh is of the opinion that a hydrosalpinx is a threat to a healthy pregnancy even after it has been cleaned and drained, so he is anxious for me to have my left tube removed before we go ahead with any further treatment. He would also like to have the inside of my womb inspected to see if there is any damage there or anything else due to the infection that had been leaking into my womb for so long, that may be preventing me from sustaining pregnancy. So... yeah... It looks like either way.... I need to have more surgery before we can even consider going ahead with any further IVF Treatment. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this. I know how badly having surgery knocks me back and how long it takes me to recover emotionally and mentally from surgery. I'm also not certain how I feel about having my left tube removed... I know it makes sense if it is not working or will be a hindrance to a pregnancy, but gosh.... removing it is so..... final.
We had some blood tests done after the appointment with Dr. Walsh. We are still waiting for some of the results to come back, but one set of results, the Elastogram - have come back abnormally high, which indicates a high risk of problems with clotting. Yet another blow. It basically means that any future pregnancy, or indeed any surgical procedure - will need to be supported by thromboprophylaxis drugs. I guess... in my head... that is something that is fairly minor, but good to know. When you are going through any kind of an IVF cycle... its just one set of drugs after the next, it can almost become zombie-like. You take what you have to take - so a few more drugs and daily injections and heck, even throwing in a few Intralipid Infusions doesn't really make that much difference. You kind of accept that you are going to feel like crap for about 14 weeks (maybe longer) and just get on with it.
You know what - I've just written that last paragraph and have just stopped to notice the difference in my thinking and how it has changed. When I started the first cycle back in 2010, every injection was a big deal, every tablet that I took was of great significance... It was all so important. Even at the last clinic when they mentioned Intralipid Infusions and high dose steroids and blood thinners... I said 'No way', I was sick of drugs and hormones and steroids and just constant treatment and surgeries, I was fighting everything- I'd had enough. This makes me think that taking such a long break from it all was a really fantastic idea. I guess it has allowed me to stand back and look at the bigger picture. Does it really matter whether I have to inject myself 4 times a day or 10 times a day..... Does it really matter if I have to sit still for a few hours twice a week to have infusions.......... Does it really matter if I have to take 20 drugs a day instead of 10.......... Do any of these things really matter...??? My response right now is 'No', because all of those things are just temporary.... I can go through absolute hell for 3 or 4 months if it means that eventually... I will get to hold my baby. Of course I can.... I've gone through absolute hell for three years and all for nothing..... 4 months should be a dawdle, and even more so with my new-found confidence in a Fertility Clinic.
All of this is just information right now anyway, I am not planning on going ahead with any of it until next year sometime. Patrick and I were married five years in August so we are going away for a week in October, and also, I am turning 30 in December so am planning the mother of all parties for that :-) I am planning on enjoying the rest of this year as much as I can and being fresh and ready to look at all of this again next year sometime.
We meet with Dr. Walsh again early in October and hopefully we will have all of the test results back by then............. Now... back to Party Planning :-)
