Back To CFC

So we went back to Cork Fertility Centre on Tuesday. We parked the car across the road and as we walked to the building.. with every step I dreaded entering that building even more. I stopped on the footpath outside the Clinic and told Patrick that there is not one part of me that wants to enter that building. But we did enter the building...

The nurse scanned me and of course it hurt as much as it always did, and they went through the whole protocol once again about what will take place. To be honest, I found the whole thing quite tiresome and irritating. I just did not want to be there.

We then met with one of the Dr's who had some concerns about what has taken place since the transfer last September and what I have been through. Some of the cysts have returned already, but they are microcysts and apparantly should not pose too much of a risk.

We then met with an embryologist from the lab to sign consent forms for the fourth time. I felt that he put a lot of emphasis on the risk of the embryos not surviving the thawing process. Maybe he didnt emphasize it any more than they had before but it just seemed to me that he kept coming back to that point.

Everyone at the Clinic seemed quite surprised that we didnt have any questions about the transfer or the procedure... seriously like... we are pros at this stage!

We are both very numb to this, just going through the motions. Going back for the final transfer should have been our decision to make, but it wasnt... that decision was made for us and this isnt sitting very well with us.

Patrick picked up all the drugs for me today... so much medication, hormones and steroids. I think I am actually resentful that I have to pump all of those into my body again. I feel like I am just finally getting back to myself, all the weight I had put on with IVF Treatment was finally falling off and I was beginning to feel like myself again.

I keep reminding myself of why we are doing this but I genuinely do not have those jittery excited feelings I had every other time. I am now of the opinion that what will be, will be and our contribution to what will be has minimal effect on the outcome.

So basically I am now waiting for my cycle to begin so that I can start taking the hormones.

I will keep you all updated.......

Acupuncture-versary ;-)

On the 15th of June last year, I set foot in Gordon's Clinic for the first time ever. I had just miscarried from the first transfer and was in a pretty bad place within myself. When I first walked into the Clinic, Gordon asked me to wait in his waiting room... I went in there, saw all the pictures on the wall of all the babies that had come into the world after their mothers had attended Gordon's Clinic.
I walked straight out of the waiting room and waited in the lobby, I was in such a bad place within myself that I just could not bear to even look at those pictures.

Gordon and I sat and talked for more than 2 hours that day, and instantly I knew that this was someone who I could trust, I knew that he genuinely wanted to help and he truly believed that he could. From that very first appointment, he told me that I could definitely get pregnant and would be able to carry to full term, and every time that it has gone wrong in the past year... I have asked him if he feels the same way or have his thoughts changed in any way.... his response is always that there is no doubt in his mind that I can go to full term...... and when things have felt really bad and I have been at my lowest points over the past year... hearing that from Gordon has always been enough to pick me up a bit and renew my hope.

I left Gordon's Clinic that day with a sense of hope, something I had not had in a long time. I walked out of the treatment room and straight into the waiting room. I was able to look at the pictures then, accompanied by the knowledge that every baby in that frame had been born to a woman who has been on a journey similar to mine, it was at that point that I knew that someday there will be a picture of my baby in that frame and I still believe that.

I have attended Gordon's Clinic regularly for the past year, but the appointments will become more frequent now as we prepare for the next transfer. He told me this week that we need to give these embryos the best possible chance that we can, so that is what we are going to do. I truly believe that this transfer will be the one that works, but there is part of me that is absolutely terrified that the past will repeat itself. Added to that, the pressure of the knowledge that the results of this transfer will have a huge impact on Patrick... it is not going to be easy.

So..... I dont ask for much... but I'm asking for thoughts and prayers and telepathetic messages and anything else that may help this transfer be 'The One'.  Please, please, please.......

Decisions, Decisions.......

Isn't it funny how we can have our minds so firmly made up and in a split second, everything can change. This time last week, I was adamant that I would not be going back for more fertility treatment, I swore that I would never go through taking all of those drugs and hormones again, that I would never put myself through the pain of a transfer again, not to mention the emotional rollercoaster that begins every time one sets foot in the fertility clinic.

But now... Just 5 days later... I have scheduled all of the scans and appointments for another transfer... I am going to put myself through all of that again, the process and the risks remain the same, and even though I swore that I would never do it again... faced with the results that we got last Friday and everything those results mean... we do what we have to.

We both absolutely hate the thought of going through this again, this is primarily based on our past experiences and knowing what all of those drugs and hormones have done to me in the past, but I suppose the ray of hope comes in the knowledge that my system is clear now and while all the cysts have contributed to miscarriages in the past... those are all gone now and we are assured that my chances of being able to carry to full term have improved dramatically.

So, Ive booked the pre scan for the 27th of June with the hope of transferring on the 3rd or 4th of July.... then its the dreaded two week wait, then test day............. and then, the scariest 4 weeks of my life.

We went to see our GP yesterday and had lots of blood tests done so we should have the results back next Tuesday and hopefully that will shed some light on the rapid rise in IgG levels.

Are You Freaking Kidding Me...???

We went to see Dr Haq in Clonmel on Wednesday as a follow up after my operation and he suggested that Patrick go and have another semen analysis done, just so we can see exactly where we are in order to decide the best course of action from here.
So... On Friday morning Patrick went down to the new Fertility Check Clinic which happens to be right across the road from Gordon's clinic. Dr. Michelle O'Connor is the andrologist there, a lovely lady who agreed to do the test straight away and have the results for us in 30 minutes.

I couldnt understand why, but I was really anxious about getting these test results. I was expecting them to be good as Gordon had put Patrick on lots of supplements back in February to improve his fertility.

Patrick rang me with the results and initially they seemed to have improved significantly, the count and motility had improved and the IgA antibodies (antibodies from infection) had improved unbelievably. It all seemed quite positive until we got the IgG antibodies result and that was 100%,  this has risen from 2% in 2 years. IgG antibodies are antibodies that the body can produce and are commonly known as Anti-Sperm antibodies, and exactly as the name suggests... they are antibodies that surround the sperm and attack them. Michelle explained it to me in terms of when she looks at sperm with no or few IgG antibodies under the microscope, the sperm appears to swim, but sperm with high levels of IgG antibodies appears to vibrate but not progress or move along, as the IgG antibodies have surrounded each sperm and are fighting to destroy them.
So... as you can imagine... this is really really bad news, as if the sperm cannot progress... it certainly cannot fertilise an egg.

I called Michelle, I called Gordon and then I called my G.P. and it became very obvious that the results themselves and what they meant was not our most immediate problem............ usually men who have high levels of IgG antibodies have them because of a childhood illness or injury, but 2 years ago Patrick's IgG levels were normal at just 2%, Last December the DNA Fragmentation of the sperm was 13.2% , again within the normal range............... but now, just 6 months later it has risen to 100%, and this is something that cannot be reversed. The most immediate thing for us now though, is to find out what has caused the levels to rise so high so quickly. My G.P booked both Patrick and myself in for full screening on Monday morning to see if we can figure it out and also to make sure that there is nothing serious going on that has been overlooked.

Isn't life just ridiculously unfair...???  We finally got to a stage where we were certain that all of the issues had been addressed and resolved, we had been assured by several Dr.s that if I were to get pregnant in the next 6 months... I would have a much better chance of carrying to full term... we were ready to start trying again and we were so hopeful and confident.......... and then we get hit with this and find out that things are actually worse than they have ever been, this is something that could not have been foreseen, something that was never even an issue, never even a consideration in our fertility journey and now it has jumped in with two feet and pretty much put a halt to our plans.

We have to find out what has caused this before we can even think of looking at our options for getting pregnant, again, we need to be sure that Patrick is healthy and there is nothing wrong.

It looks though that our only option after that for getting pregnant again... will be more IVF treatment unfortunately, even though I had promised myself that I would never put myself through that again... faced with the prospect of never being able to get pregnant safely again.... I am once again of the mindset that I will do whatever it takes. We have 2 remaining embryos in Cork and I suppose implanting those will be the next step on our fertility journey as at least we know that Patrick's sperm was practically IgG free when they were injected into my eggs 2 years ago. After that... we have a lot of decisions to make and may even have to consider using donor sperm, but either way it means a lot more treatment.......

I suppose we are both in shock, it does feel like everytime we get ahead, something happens that puts us right back where we started and even now... we are in a worse place than we were 2 years ago. It just all seems so terribly unfair.

20,000 Page Views

There are so many things I have in my head that I want to write about... and I will... but this post is purely about reaching the milestone that is achieving 20,000 page views.

I truly cannot believe that there are so many people reading and appreciating this blog, when I write on here... its just my words, my feeling, my thoughts and sometimes just pure ranting and I truly do forget that there are a lot of people out there reading my words and thoughts and feelings.

I remember being hugely surprised when the pageviews had reached 2,000 and at that point I couldnt believe that my words had reached out to so many people. Every day I get messages from people all over the world... sometimes even from people who live in places that I have never even heard of (geography never was my strong point). People who are suffering with infertility and people who are embarking on IVF tell me that they get so much information about what to expect from reading this blog, People who has suffered baby loss tell me that I have managed to put their exact feelings into words and it helps them so much knowing that they are not alone, but most of all... I get messages from people who have no fertility issues and have never suffered the loss of a pregnancy... mostly they stumble upon this blog by complete accident when googling something else... they tell me that reading this blog has opened their eyes up to something they were completely oblivious to, something they have always taken for granted and they tell me that it has made them more aware of what people actually go through and it has made them more sensitive and accepting of people who have been on a similar journey to mine.

This truly makes it all worth while, as while it is difficult enough to go through it all, it is even more difficult to plaster that fake smile on your face and pretend that everything is fine... for the sake of not making other people uncomfortable. I think this blog has made some people more aware and open to talking about fertility issues and baby loss and I truly hope that at some point the whole idea of it being a 'taboo' subject will no longer exist and people will no longer feel that they have to go through this pain alone.

I know there are probably times when I might be a little bit too open about talking about my experiences and everything we have been through, but it has taken me a long time to realise that just because someone asks me how I am, doesnt mean I have to respond with 'I'm fine'. I've also become an expert at knowing when some is asking 'how are you?' just to be polite and when someone genuinely wants to know the answer.


20,000 pageviews truly is an amazing and unbelievable number and I would like to thank everybody who has ever clicked onto this blog. As the pageviews increase, so does my sense of support and not being alone, so thank you so much to every single one of you and I truly hope that in the near future I will be able to write some good news on here for you all to read.


From the bottom of my heart, Thank you all so much for helping me achieve this milestone.xx.