One Lovely Blog Award

OK... so up until this morning, I had no idea that such an award existed, but I have been given a 'One Lovely Blog Award' by  Ali @ Not All Dreams Are Free. From what I understand, this is an award given by other bloggers who enjoy and appreciate your blog, so Thank you so much Ali, It is so nice to know that my words are appreciated by others.

So... I'm told on accepting this award... I have to link the person who gave it to me (done that), I have to give 7 random facts about myself, I then have to list 15 blogs that I enjoy reading and attach the 'One Lovely Blog Award' pic to my page.


Ok... So Seven Random Facts About Me...

1. I LOVE pink, yep... I'm a real girly girl and love just about anything that is pink... I even make the staff at work wear bright pink... pink, pink, pink... its gotta be pink :-)

2. I love hand crafts, knitting, crocheting, embroidery, latch-hooking, lace making, I love them all and find it a lovely way to relax after a long day at work.

3. I bake when I'm upset or mad... If Patrick comes home and the Kenwood is about to burn out, he knows it's probably best if he leaves me alone for a while...... on the upside though... he does get some nice homebaked treats... later... when I'm feeling better :-)

4. I love animals, I currently have 4 cats, 2 Norwegian Elkhounds and a Bichon Frise, The Bichon is my baby and I got her after I miscarried last May... she rules the house... she is definitely the boss.

5. I managed to dye my Bichon PINK (it actually was an accident), I'd gotten her a new collar, pink of course and didnt take it off when I was giving her a bath and of course the dye ran into her lovely white fur, she had a pink mane for about a month...!!!

6. My name is Anne-Marie and I am an Apple Addict (no, not the fruit, although I like those too), I love Apple products, iPads, iPods, iPhones. I have no idea how I managed to function before I had them.

7. I love Handbags, designer handbags are my weakness. Louis Vuitton store is my idea of heaven.

Fifteen Blogs that I enjoy reading and want to pass this award on to;

1. Kat's IVF Journey
2. Our Journey through ICSI & PGD
3. The 2 Week Wait
4. In The Name Of The Father
5. The Luckiest: No Matter What!
6. Silent Hope
7. The Years Of Trying To Conceive Tears
8. Life Of An Army Wife
9. Ellie, As Always
10. Path2Parenthood
11. My Surrogate Baby
12. Fertile Dandelion
13. The Hopeful Baby Maker
14. If You Don't Stand For Something
15. {Inevitable} Motherhood


The 'One Lovely Blog Award' Picture

Done, Done and Done.xx.

Stop Trying To Be Superwoman

A week ago, just when I thought I was starting to turn a corner, we ended up having to go to Caredoc in the middle of the night because the pain got really really bad and I started vomiting so couldnt keep any pain killers down. Turns out I had a kidney infection on top of everything else.... and now, three weeks after surgery and three lots of antibiotics later... the infection still hasnt cleared and the pain has eased.

So... me being me, thought it would be a great idea to go in to work for a few hours on Monday, I didnt drive, but I did spend about 4 hours there, I wasnt exactly doing anything, just talking and meeting people... but I did spend a lot of time on my feet.........BIG MISTAKE...!!!

I was crippled on Tuesday, I couldnt move all day. I had a lot of abdominal distension and swelling... and the pain... and then I got the worst migraine I can ever remember having in my life... I was just miserable.

It turns out that was waaaayyyyy too early to be up and about and ridiculously too early to be spending that amount of time on my feet. Apparently, this operation was a much bigger deal than I had first thought. The entire surface of both my ovaries had to be blasted and completely burnt, meaning that both of my ovaries are completely black and will take quite some time to heal. They also had to fix the left tube, and also there was a lot of scar tissue and adhesions from previous surgeries that had to be cut out and removed.

Patrick took me to see Gordon on Wednesday afternoon, admittedly... I was nowhere near up to travelling to Cork and this was very obvious by the way I hobbled into the clinic. Gordon was surprised by the fact that I had travelled the whole way down there in the condition I was in. I suppose I felt that if I was going down there... I was doing something and I knew that Gordon would be able to help me sort out my head and my emotions... I just kinda forgot one thing............... I am probably in the worst physical condition I have ever been in and I need to allow my body to heal first. He told me to 'Stop trying to be Superwoman', he said that it is ok to just rest and that it is so important for me to allow my body all the time it needs to heal completely, he pointed out that my body has been through so much, that I just need to recover, I need to put me first and do what is best for me. He said that I need to be able to ask people for help, I need to be able to tell people that I am actually not ok and that I need some assistance to do things. I struggle with this, I hate the thought of asking for help, I'd hate to think that I was putting someone else out for me... at this point, Patrick pointed out that I put myself out for other people every day and I never think twice about it.

This experience has been very different for me than the previous experiences, primarily because this time my body is not pumped full of hormones and steroids, everything I am feeling is what I am actually feeling and it is very different. The scary part is that I remember very little of what I went through last year, when I read back through the blog, it is actually like I am reading someone else's story and this is purely down to the volume of hormones and steroids that was being pumped into my system. This is difficult emotionally, very difficult, but at least I know that what I am feeling is real, it is not a side effect of coming off the hormones, and this is the reason that we have decided that we will not be going back to IVF treatment.

We have answers now and we both truly believe that I can get pregnant naturally and have a healthy pregnancy right to full term............... but for now, I need to take the advice of Mr. Mullins and just recover.

Pain Through Poetry...

Poetic Insanity

The obliviousness hidden behind a clear screen of opaqueness

The only light being that what is opaque is not dark, not yet.

In this state of familiarity, I will wait…

I will wait for the darkness because it will come, it always comes.

The pain will strike and not that remnant of the surgery,

Not that which can be subdued by opiates. There is no solace from this pain.

It will pounce from within, its wrath symbolising the consequence of a helpless wildebeest

encountering a ravenous lion, there will be no mercy.

The silhouette of my grief a perfect octagon, each side guarded by a perfect angel, eight perfect

angels, akin only to the Madonna and child, they had eight angels,
differing only by the fact that she

got to keep her baby……..

Classification Sucks.......

So... with Easter coming up I have just received an email entitled 'How to survive family occasions as an infertile.'

This has gotten me thinking... Do we now belong to a whole new category of 'sub-humans' because we have fertility issues...???

In the last year, I have become more and more aware of a very supportive community of people, who are struggling with getting pregnant or staying pregnant, most of these people admit to having such problems only in an online capacity. (I think the statistic is one couple in every eight) We have recently found out that some close friends of ours had been going through IVF for years and they never told anyone. I suppose I struggle with the thought of it being such a taboo subject, I just don't understand why it is.

I've recently been made aware of a comparision that has been made between how 'fertile' people view infertility in relation to other illnesses....

I dont know how many times over the past 5 years it has been said to me to 'just relax, take it easy', 'don't be worrying about it, no stress'...etc...

The point being made by the comparison was that... those things would not be said to someone who was suffering from a different kind of illness/disease. Someone who was suffering with cancer would not be told not to be worrying about it, someone with diabetes isnt told to just forget about it and someone suffering from athsma definitely isnt told to just get on with their lives.

Why then, are people suffering with fertility issues told these things every day...?????

I'll tell you why... because it just isnt recognised as a 'real' dis-ease, and certainly not in this country. In the UK, people with fertility issues are entitled to up to three cycles of IVF on the NHS... whereas here... I cant even claim back on my health insurance for any of my GP/Consultant visits if they are IVF related. My Health Insurance Company claims to refund half the cost of alternative medicines like acupuncture..... eh... yeah... except if it is 'fertility acupuncture...!!!

It just makes me so mad... if I had cancer, diabetes or athsma I'd be given professional help and support, but because I am an 'infertile'... I'm told to just forget about it and get on with my life...!!!

Yes, I have fertility issues but I most certainly am not an 'infertile', I refuse to be considered less of a human because of this.

I know there are hundreds of people with fertility issues who read this blog... the question you need to ask yourself is

'Am I a person who has some fertility issues, or am I am 'infertile'?'

The Beginning Of The Journey

So... This day 5 years ago our infertility journey began. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks.  At the time we just took it for what it was and didnt really dwell too much on it. It was only two and a half years later when I had an ectopic pregnancy and the rollercoaster started from there.... and what a ride it has been...!!!

Hopefully, just hopefully all of the problems have been identified and addressed now and perhaps we can look forward to brighter times.

I'm having a lot of pain and soreness from the operation six days ago, but I'm told that is to be expected as they did have to do a lot of patching up inside.

I am having some trouble sleeping, partly due to the pain and soreness, but I always have trouble sleeping after having surgery, things just seem to play on my mind more at night.

I guess I could be considered a pro at this stage, but it certainly doesnt get any easier.......