To My Little Angel.......

Its been just over a year since you've been ripped from my womb, robbed of the chance to be born into a world where you would have been loved more than you could ever imagine.
I think of you all the time, we talk about how you would have looked, probably blue/green eyes and dark hair. I wake at night because I hear you crying in my dreams and all I want to do is comfort you, I want to hold you, I ache to hear your light breathing through silent nights.

I am crumbling tonight, a silly comment made by your Dad brought to the fore all the emotions I have been bottling up for over a year. Things keep going wrong and I am so terrified of losing another baby,  I just don't think I am strong enough to go through that again.

When I was in the emergency room on the 6th of November, exactly a year after we lost you, the lady in the next cubicle had gone into labour and had a fetal heart monitor attached, her baby's heart beat echoed throughout the room and it broke my heart to hear it.

I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in angels and I know you are there somewhere, trying to keep me strong, when in reality it should be me looking after you.

We should be preparing for your first Christmas now, every time I go to the supermarket I see something that I would love to be buying for you, the perfect 'Baby's First Christmas' outfit, a blue 'Baby's First Christmas' stocking to hang from the mantlepiece.

I shared a joke (and a secret tear) with your Dad last weekend, when we spotted a baby's shirt saying 'my Daddy rocks'. I should have been buying that for you, (although knowing your Dad, it would be accompanied by a fender strat and a drum kit...!!!!!!!)

We never got to meet you, but we never stop thinking about you. You are a huge part of our lives and we love you so much. We talk about how you would like Postman Pat and Fireman Sam, and how we would love to be showing you the shows we watched as kids, like Bosco, and how we would never have inflicted that obnoxious purple dinosaur on you.

Its so hard because we both believe that we would make great parents, but for some reason the Universe does not want that to happen right now and it is just so hard to understand.

I've cried so much tonight, cried hysterically to the point where I was crying so hard I was gasping for breathe. (I guess this is why we are not supposed to bottle up our feelings!)

I still ache when I see a new baby and I guess I always will, but I guess I just have to accept that there was a greater reason that you could not be born into this world.

" An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book

 'Too Beautiful for Earth'"

Take care my beautiful little angel.xx.

Home, Once Again.......

Four weeks, four hospital admissions.....hopefully that is the end of it now. The next time I end up in hospital, I better be in labour...!!!

I am starting to feel better, still rather sore (and very sore at times) but definately on the mend.

Starting to get out a bit now and wanting to get out more and meet people, which I think is a sign that I must be on the mend.

I am still exhausted after doing basic things and still not really sleeping very well, but I think that will improve once I start being more active.

The girls at work have come up with some fantastic ideas for fundraising for the Noah Foundation, I will post more information once we have some definate plans, but please keep sending your ideas to me.

I received a letter in the post today, it was a copy of  the report letter that Dr. Waterstone sent to my G.P.. Gosh, it is interesting to read everything I have been through in the past few weeks. I think most of it had slipped my mind actually, but it was a very interesting read.
It was also quite wonderful to be able to read back through this blog and look at how I was feeling during each stage of the process, to remember emotions both good and bad.

People keep asking how long I am going to continue writing to this blog, and I guess the answer is that I have no plans to stop anytime soon anyway. I enjoy doing it and I truly believe that it helps and informs people.

For now, I am going to get a relatively early night and hopefully some decent sleep.

4 Inch Stillettos, Hovercraft Ambulances And General Rambling...

I forgot how difficult and draining it is to do simple, everyday things when you haven't been doing them for a while.

I had to go to a work meeting this morning, wasn't ideal, but couldn't really be avoided.

I didn't sleep well last night, was very sore, but anyway I got up at 8am to get ready for the meeting. It took me about 30 minutes to get ready and I was just wiped out after that much. I had to go and lay down for half an hour before Liam came to pick me up.

Liam dropped me home afterwards and I have done absolutely nothing since. I am completely drained, so tired. I feel like I have over-exerted myself with the small amount I did today. 14 hour working days seem a distant memory now and an impossible feat...!!!

I guess I will just do a little more each day until I am back into the swing of things.

Surprisingly enough, I find wearing heels to be much more comfortable than flat shoes right now. I have figured out that this is because the pain is so low down on the right side of my abdomen, wearing flat shoes puts all my weight on my heels, which puts increased pressure on my lower abdomen, adding to the pain. Wearing heels puts most of my weight on the balls of my feet, which eases the pressure on my heels, therefore decreasing the pressure on my abdomen, making walking around much more comfortable.

I have to say I was getting some very strange looks today, walking around in boots with 4 inch stilletto heels while at the same time being off work with abdominal pain...!!!

Oh yeah...I probably should have said beforehand..........I seem to have developped a tendancy to ramble on a bit about random topics lately, one such ramble involved an idea for an ambulance design. This involved a hovercraft design with a siren attachment to stop it hurting when travelling to the hospital. As anyone who has ever been in the back of an ambulance will know that they are the most uncomfortable mode of transport ever, you end up getting battered and bruised on the way to the hospital, as you get thrown around with every little bump on the road.

Sleep Works Wonders

I finally got a decent night's sleep last night, slept from 11:30 pm til 10:00am.

Probably a combination of being home, finally knowing what's wrong and finally having some decent pain medication that actually takes away the pain.

I am up and about a bit today, getting some minor paperwork done, but at the same time following the strict orders I have been given to take it easy...!!!

Home From Hospital Again

The pain got pretty bad again on Sunday night so we went to CareDoc who sent us to Clonmel hospital.

They did some x-rays and tests and also some scans. Again, these showed the PCOS in the right ovary.

There was still some very clear blood in my urine. The Dr's were fantastic and very informative, although they readily admitted that they know very little about the IVF process.

They kept me in hospital, on Cyclomorph (morphine) injections until this morning, when we left for Cork as we had a pre-arranged appointment with Dr. Waterstone and it was very necessary that we keep this appointment.

So they did a scan at the Clinic and together we discussed and reviewed the issues and test results that had accumulated over the past four and a half weeks. Everything was pointing to a pretty significant blockage in my bowel. So, Dr. Waterstone gave me a prescription for some enemas and some medication to help to clear out my bowels, with instructions that if they haven't worked by Thursday to contact him directly and return to the Clinic.

For now though, I am super glad to be home (again) and am very tired. I never sleep properly in hospital.

We also spoke to Dr. Waterstone today about the Noah Foundation and what our plans were and how we would like to deal exclusively with his Clinic. He was quite surprised and even admitted to feeling humbled at what he was hearing.

He is very happy to liaise with us, so that through the Noah Foundation, we can provide as much support as possible to individuals and couples who are going through the same thing as us.

I am very excited about the whole Noah Foundation idea and can't wait to be well enough to really get working on it.

Must go and rest for now though, all curled up in front of the fire.